Pinterest Show and Tell

Last Friday I was organizing my Pinterest boards, eliminating things I had pinned twice and cleaning out pins that I just wasn't interested in anymore.  It gave me a chance to really sort through all the recipes that I have pinned and I found three that inspired me to cook this week!

Sunday night: Chicken Enchilada Pasta

Via

The recipe is super long so I'm not going to post it here, but not very hard to follow and it makes a TON of food!  Craig and I definitely had at least two more meals each of pasta for lunch and dinner this week.  I'd personally like it a little bit spicier but maybe next time I could liven it up with some pico de gallo on top or something.  

Tuesday night: Ham and Cheese Sliders

Via

These little sandwiches were SO easy to make!  I made the dressing to go on top while Craig cut up the ham and cheese.  It was a great "dinner" sandwich that we paired with some barbeque chips.  I was a little nervous about how the leftovers would taste after being in the fridge but they were just as good!  I would definitely not skimp on buying GOOD ham from the deli - I think that makes a HUGE difference.

Friday night: Pizza Casserole

Via

I'm trying this one tonight - it seems easy to make and looks like it will taste great with a big salad.  

That's all the pinning that I've been doing lately - my plan for Saturday is to make Natalie a Christmas tutu to wear when she goes to visit Santa on Sunday!

Nine Months Old!

Natalie is now nine months old which is a little scary because that means we are only three months away from having a one year old running around our house.  This past month has been super busy with Cross Country meets, basketball games and of course the Thanksgiving holiday.

Her nine month appointment won't be until a week from next Monday so I don't have her official stats, but I can tell you that she is definitely still long and lean.  As I was rocking her to sleep the other night I looked at her face and body and she is looking less and less like a "baby" and more like a little girl.  It doesn't help that she has SIX teeth!  Two on the bottom and FOUR on top!  She broke all four on top during the same week that she had croup.  But we all survived and I think Craig and I are just about caught up on the sleep we missed that week.

She has graduated from the belly crawl to the full hands and knees crawl and when she is cruising around the house on all fours, for whatever reason, she hums to herself.  In addition to humming, although she isn't really saying WORDS out loud, she is mimicking the tone and inflection of our voices.  Sometimes when I'm talking with Angie, I call out her name in a singsong voice "An-ge-LI-na!" and sure enough, Natalie mimics the same singsong tone.  She is pulling up on everything but not really consistently "cruising" on the furniture.  If there is something down the couch that she wants, she'll just drop to her bottom and crawl over to get it instead of holding onto the couch and walking.  

Natalie's sleeping schedule has gotten better for the most part.  We added rice cereal to thicken up her baby food in the evenings and she began sleeping through the night.  But now she is boldly fighting being spoon fed the baby food and is instead much happier when able to feed herself solid food such as cheese, bread, puffs etc.  So I guess we're going to have to rethink her diet and how we can still get the same amount of food into her belly so that she'll sleep through the night.  

Her personality is developing more and more - she is still a relatively cautious child with new people and you certainly have to work hard to get a smile out of her.  But she is curious and always checking out what is going on around her.  She loves watching Craig's basketball games and she cheers (okay.....screams) after the crowd cheers.  She figured out how to make the kissing *smack* sound with her lips, but after a few days of impressing us with her new trick, she has quit doing it and has moved onto clicking her tongue.  

Here are a few things that she's been up to this month!

Riding on the Barbie four-wheeler at Nonna and Grandaddy's house for Thanksgiving.

My dad would make the "vroom-vroom" noises and Natalie would echo with her own grunts and growls.

She played with her cousin Alexander at Thanksgiving.

She has started this funny little nose scrunch and giggle thing.

The best picture of the three older cousins that we could get.

We've started giving her bubble baths because it's easier to get her clean with the tub full of soap than just putting the soap on a washcloth and rubbing her down.

Sunshine

First off, yesterday ended up much better than expected.  The initial response was hurtful and harsh, but I was expecting that.  We talked it out last night and I think the other party involved has a better understanding of the larger issue that Craig and I have been dealing with this year - one that did not have anything to do with them.

Spurred on by the courage of a college friend and blog buddy, Meagan....I'm ready to say the words for myself.

Postpartum Depression and Anxiety sucks.

Soon after Natalie was born (as in minutes) I felt that something in me wasn't right.  I didn't react to her the way I THOUGHT I should.  When she was placed in my arms I wasn't overcome with that intense love that everyone talks about.  I thought something was wrong with me and that because I didn't feel that initial rush of emotions for her, that I should never have had a child in the first place.  I felt that God had made a mistake in giving me a child.  I struggled to identify myself as somebody's mother, but yet still as myself.  I took my job as her caregiver and as Craig's wife very seriously - I wanted to be perfect for them.  But I just couldn't.  Looking back I can't even explain it except that I was in a fog that I just couldn't snap out of.

There were (and still are somedays) two of me.  The real me was standing on the beach in the sunshine.  On the dark days I was standing across stormy water on a cold and lonely island.  I could see myself vaguely through the fog that rested on top of the water but I couldn't figure out how to get there.  Occasionally there were days where I was on the shore and basking in the sun but for the most part I was trapped on that island unable to communicate to anyone about how I felt or why I felt that way.

It was awful.  And not just for me but for Craig as well.  I have a feeling that even Angie the pup noticed a change in me.  At first I was just sad, anxious and worried all the time - I didn't like to be alone with Natalie.  I felt trapped to the bed nursing her and then I felt guilty for feeling trapped and even a little resentful of her.  Over time, my sadness turned to anger - why wasn't I getting better?  Why was I being such an awful person and most frequently - why was Craig still married to me when I was obviously making his life so miserable?

I prayed so many nights for God to take this away and for me to be able to stand back in the sunshine on the beach in my vision.  I just wanted to enjoy my husband, my child and my life.

And here we are today.  Last Tuesday I woke up and had to deal with certain issues in our world and I was no longer angry - I could clearly see the situation and assessed how I felt about it and most importantly, I felt confident in myself and my feelings.  I was in the sunshine.  But this time was different.  I had been in the sunshine before but it was fleeting for only a day, an afternoon or even a moment.  I can't put my finger on it but I just knew that the bulk of my struggle was over and behind us - God had answered my prayer and I had survived nine harrowing months.  And just in time for me to truly enjoy the holiday season with Natalie and Craig as a truly happy and grateful family.

And then I cried for the millionth time this year.

Luckily this time it was tears of joy and praise.

Am I cured?  Absolutely not and I know that I could slip back at any time but right now I feel so strong and competent and unafraid.  I can't tell you why right NOW feels different from two weeks ago or two months ago but I don't feel the fog at all.  I feel at "one" with myself - and when that "other" person sneaks into my brain and tries to take over, I can shut down those negative thoughts.  For the past nine months when I was feeling good I would almost feel the fog coming in and wrapping around my brain and dragging me away from my sunshine and back onto my cold island.  Not now.  I already had my first "test" this week - Craig called me on Thursday at school and he has been tentatively diagnosed with the mumps (I know!  This isn't 1950!  Who gets the mumps!  That's another blogpost entirely) and cannot be around Natalie without a face mask because she hasn't completely gotten her MMR vaccine.  So.  I'm in charge of everything.  Cooking dinner, feeding Natalie, changing diapers, bathtime, keeping her entertained, and the most frustrating for me - bedtime and nighttime.  But two nights in and I haven't lost my temper and I haven't uttered the words "I can't do this."  I've had frustrating moments (Go.  To.  Sleep.  My.  PRECIOUS.  Child.) but I've calmed myself down and gotten through it.

This is big.  Huge.

So here I am putting this out there and making what everyone around me has suspected into cold, hard truth.  I'm not ashamed of what we've gone through this year because it could happen to anyone (although I think my type-A, perfectionist personality made me more susceptible) and above all - IT'S NOT MY FAULT.  I didn't cause this and going forward Craig and I know what could happen IF we decide to have another child - we will be more prepared for the aftermath of birth.

There you have it.  If you need more information or are curious, my go-to website has been Postpartum Progress.  They've got tons of great testimonials, research information and just general "this sucks right now but you'll get through it" kind of things to help out women going struggling with this tough issue.

Email

I sent an email today that is going to get a reaction.....and not a good one.  It is something that I have been meaning to send for a long time but never had the courage.  I was full of fear and weak in spirit.   I didn't have confidence in myself as a person, as a wife or as a mother.  It is not full of anger or accusations, but it is full of my truth....OUR truth because the feelings expressed are shared and supported by my husband.

As I sit here at my computer anticipating the response, I am a bit nervous.  There are butterflies in my stomach and I am a bit light headed.  But I also am confident that the world will not collapse if I express my point of view.  My marriage will not fall apart if I stand up for myself.  Sure, there will be some awkwardness, some tears and some lashing out in response.

But I am strong because God knows my heart.  He knows my struggles and he knows my pain.  I've prayed to him many times over the past nine months for the courage, strength and wisdom to speak what is in my heart.  I prayed as I wrote the email for the words and feelings in my heart to stay pure and not come from anger.  But even having said that, I am not in control of how the email is interpreted.  I understand that and I will dutifully read and try to comprehend the response that is sent.  I will pray for the wisdom to look past the hurtful words and self-serving attitude and see the heart of the matter.

But whatever is sent back to me it will not change the strength and love in my marriage and it will not change the fierce love and attachment I have with my child.  And as long as I have those two things in my life, I will survive.

This is a big deal for me.  Huge.  I hate confrontation.  I hate people being upset with me.  But I have a right to express how I feel and people have the right to either accept it or become angry and lash out.  And you know what?  I'm okay with either response.  I'm not afraid to "get in trouble" because I am confident in the emotions and feelings that I (and Craig as well) have regarding this particular situation.

Things will be uncomfortable for awhile and that's okay.  Life isn't always easy and it's not always comfortable. Eventually it will end.  Everything in life comes in seasons.  A very dark season of my life has ended and I'm not going to allow anyone to take away from the sunshine that I am experiencing.

Too long

For far too long I have tried to please everyone and not taken care of myself.  I have given of myself even when it caused me stress and anxiety.  I have stayed silent about my frustrations and I have been run over.  I have suffered silently while putting on a polite smile.  I have ravaged my own self-worth desperately trying to live up to everyone else's expectations.

Today....I am done.  It is exhausting.

I am not angry.  I am not vindictive.  I am filled with a gentle peace with myself and a deep sorrow for others.

I have prayed for this day to come and it is here.  I have been absolved of that deep seeded anger at myself and at others.  God has heard my prayers and taken the weight off my shoulders.  I questioned Him through the entire journey - wondering if He was listening or if He even cared.  I was losing faith.

And all the while He was leading me to the place of peace.  I am peaceful.  My mind is at rest.  The demons have been settled.

I know now that God has not been testing me.  He has been providing opportunities for me to draw closer to not only Him but to my husband.  To create such a bond between the two of us that no man on this Earth can undo.  I am not angry at God for the trials of this year.  I rejoice in the fact that I have a stronger faith in Him and in my husband.

This does not mean that there aren't stormy skies ahead or that the beast of insecurity, anxiety and depression won't strike again but for today....in this moment....I am calm.  My heart is calm.

And for that, I am thankful.

Today

Today I refuse to be a victim.

Today I am not allowing myself to be bullied, guilted or shamed.

Today I am confident and strong but still compassionate and understanding.

Today I know that I am a good mother and that Natalie adores me.

Today I am proud of the mother, wife, daughter and human being that I am.

Today is a good day.

Merry Christmas Y'all!

This is the photo that I sent out with our Christmas cards last week!  I edited in Photoshop and added Natalie's full name and "Christmas 2011" to the photo.  Through a great deal at Walgreens I was able to print off 50 FREE copies of this photo which saved us a bunch of money!  This picture was taken by a friend of mine from college, Heather - you can visit her over at Cute and Classy Photography or at the Hubbard Family.

After Christmas is over I'm going to put up a lot more of her six month photos that she took back in September.  Some of them are sitting under our Christmas tree wrapped up as presents and I don't want to spoil the surprise!