Chores

I used to joke with my parents that the only reason they decided to have children was to have free child labor.

Now I understand....it wasn't so much a joke as the absolute truth.

That's why we've decided that Natalie has been living off our paychecks for FAR too long and it's high time that she start pulling her weight around the house.

Just kidding.

Kind of.

But in all honesty, she isn't too young for chores and it's never too early to start teaching young children about helping with a generous heart and gracious attitude.  I want Natalie to learn that she is a contributing member of our household and there are tasks around the home that she must help perform in order to one day become a functioning member of society.

Now.  She's not out mowing the lawn (yet) or ironing my dress pants (that's next week) but there are plenty of small tasks that Craig and I have taught her how to do.  My hope is that if we start her on "chores" early enough, they will become part of her daily life and routine and she will never know a life without helping unload the dishwasher or hauling laundry up the stairs.

Granted, I'm not under any delusion that she'll always do these tasks with a wonderful attitude....but all that will matter is that the work is done, right?

Right.

So without further ado....Natalie's chore list, as of 20 months old.

- Pick up and put away toys in the play room.  Usually this action is accompanied by the Barney "Clean Up" song but she does a great job all on her own.  She knows where the blocks, Little People and kitchen stuff does and we hardly ever have to fight her to get things straightened up.

- Pick up and put away dirty clothes into the hamper. I tried this one out the other day out of sheer laziness.  I told her to pick up my socks and put them in the basket in my closet.......and she did.  So while I straightened up the bathroom and made the bed, she picked up all the dirty laundry lying around our bedroom and plopped them all in the hamper.

- Help load and unload the dishwasher.  This gets a little tricky and hard to manage because there are some sharp knives and breakable bowls that get washed in our dishwasher.  Luckily our kitchen isn't too big so there is always someone close by to help actively monitor the progress.  She is great at picking up HER dishes and the smaller plastic cups and Tupperware that won't break or get damaged by little hands.

- Help set the table for dinner.  This one started the other day and in a very limited and controlled setting.  She can put up butter knives, forks, her plastic plate and napkins......and that's about it.  But it does give her something to do while I'm finishing up the preparations for dinner.

- Put away Tupperware.  Her favorite and the absolute easiest task for her to complete.  Maybe it's because I'm lazy or possibly due to the fact that she's grown out of the "must get into every cabinet that I can" phase, but the Tupperware cabinet is totally unlocked at all times.  Since Craig and I both take our lunch to school every day, we accumulate TONS of dirty (and then clean) Tupperware throughout the week.  Natalie knows exactly where all the pieces go and she shuttles all the lids and bottoms to the cabinet.  Now let me go on record and say this - my Tupperware cabinet is NOT organized by any means, but I'll deal with a little bit of mess if it means that Natalie learns a new task and I have one task taken off my hands.

- Get out and put away dog food.  Our girl loves her puppies.  She also loves routines.  And one of those routines involves feeding the pups in the morning and the evening.  The dog food is kept in a Rubbermaid container with a spout on a lower shelf in the pantry.  She can go to the pantry, get the container off the shelf and carry it to me (or Craig) standing at the kitchen island.  Her job continues with picking the dog bowls off the ground and handing them to me and then returning the container after the food has been doled out.

- Clean up spills with towel.  This is one that I totally did not teach nor anticipate.  The other day when she spilled the tiniest bit of milk onto the floor, without provocation from Craig or myself, she ran into the kitchen, grabbed the towel hanging on the side of the sink and then ran back and wiped up her spill.  Craig and I just sat in stunned silence.  I'm not sure whether to be proud or terrified of her penchant for cleanliness and order.

- Wipe down the table after dinner.  Give her a Wet One and Natalie will go to town on the space in front of her chair after dinner is over.  She will also attempt to wipe her own face and hands, but she's not nearly as successful with that.

- Put trash into the garbage can.  Again.  This one originated out of laziness combined with the fact that Natalie is pretty adorable when she knows she did something good - she claps and cheers for herself.  Craig was the one that really got her going on trash detail this summer when he would be wrapping up his baseball card orders and he would have her pick up all his trash.

I'm really hoping that by putting this stuff out into the universe that karma isn't going to circle around and bite me in the butt by having my child boycott all helpfulness that I just seemingly bragged about.

And on the bragging note....I'm really not.  I'm just sharing with you stuff that we've found works for us with our daughter.  Most of these chores that she does started out by her showing an interest in and a desire to help us around the house.  And then from there, it was easier for me to engage her in the task than to try to keep her entertained in something else while I finished working.

Perhaps the overarching theme is that I want my daughter to feel productive, competent and successful.  But she won't learn how to encompass any of those traits without us as parents providing opportunities for her to try new things, carry responsibility and contribute to the family.

Toddler Terrorists

A lot of times when people ask me what grade and subject I teach, their eyes grow huge and they ask the inevitable question:

"How do you deal with middle school teenagers?"

I get that.  I do.  Out in the wild where I can't control them, I'm not a big fan of teenagers either.  They're loud, obnoxious and awkward.  But the good news is...that's pretty standard and normal behavior for their age.  We were ALL loud, obnoxious and awkward at that age.  Seeing teenagers out and about reminds me why I'm so glad I'm not in middle or high school anymore.

But in all honesty, when I am working with them at school, they are the least of my worries, problems, frustrations and concerns.

They just don't bother me that much.

When working with kids you have to keep things in perspective.  THEY  AREN'T ADULTS.  They do not have fully functioning brains to make rational decisions and to have a world view that does not focus on themselves and their own needs.  It's not that they're TRYING to be incorrigible and self-centered........that's the stage in development that they're at.  The terms "good" and "bad" get thrown around a lot with middle school students and I cringe when I hear kids being referred to as "bad."  That's just such a final verdict when the child isn't even fully grown yet.  Let's wait until they have a few convictions before we start labeling, no?  But in all seriousness, underneath all the bad attitude and disrespectful mouthiness..........most kids at their core are GOOD kids.  The "bad" kids are the ones that perhaps haven't been given a fair shake at life or haven't been set up for success by the habits and actions of their parents.  It's my job as an educator to cut through their "bad" facade and get to the good heart that lies beneath.

And most importantly, you can't take any of it personally.  Not the rolling of their eyes, the forgetting of gym clothes or homework, or even when they talk back.  It perplexes me when adults get so offended by the behavior of a teenager.  Frustrated I can understand, but offended?  They're just kids.  Half the time they truly don't know any better and isn't that kind of my job?  To point out their missteps and instruct them on appropriate behavior in an effort to guide them on their path to becoming an adult?!

There's a little disciplinary philosophy and program out there called Love and Logic and the basic tenets revolve around letting kids know that above everything else, they are cared for.........but that doesn't exclude them from suffering the natural consequences of their actions.  It takes the frustration of discipline out of the hands of the adults and places it squarely where it belongs - on the shoulders of the child.  Why should my good day be ruined because a preteen forgot his gym clothes or because she talked back?

For example, when a child forgets their gym clothes, the conversation usually goes something like this:

Child: I don't have my PE clothes.

Me: Okay.  You'll lose points for no clothes.  And after three no clothes days you'll get a detention.

Child:  Okay........

Me: Alright, go have a seat.

*Child looks at me out of the corner of their eye and shuffles off awkwardly.*

The child is expecting to be reprimanded.  It kind of throws them for a loop when their behavior doesn't get a reaction out of me.  As long as you have a good set of policies, expectations and consequences you just let nature take it's course and all the stress is off your shoulders.  The natural consequence is that they'll receive a lower grade and if their behavior continues they will be given a detention and then referral.  And NO child, "good" or "bad," wants to be hanging outside the coaching office at 8:00 in the morning when they could be talking with their friends in the cafeteria.

The sixth grade class this year as a whole was pretty "advanced" for their age socially and knew much more about the world (and not in a good way) than many of our 8th graders.  As a group, they sent the sixth grade teachers and administration for a loop - we just didn't know quite what to do with them since all our normal methods of discipline didn't really seem to work or sink in.  I quickly gave up on trying to bring them up to where I wanted expected them to be (where other sixth grade classes had started out) and instead met them where they were, grabbed their hand and pulled them along the path I needed them to follow.

But this one young lady was a bit of a conundrum.  She was outgoing but her actions spoke of underlying insecurities.  According to her classroom teachers, she was a nightmare - never doing any homework and failing the majority of her tests.  I saw her as funny and charismatic, but a little damaged.  As a general rule, I try to keep in mind that no matter how you slice it, being in middle school is tough and it's not my job to make their lives more difficult but instead to hopefully be a bright spot in an otherwise very dark day.  With this child I knew that she and I would have to come to some sort of understanding about her behavior since she started off the year insisting that she speak at the same exact moment as me.  I leveled with her one day and laid out all the cards - I listed my expectations, how she wasn't meeting them and what would happen if she continued on her behavioral path.  We had a "come to Jesus" meeting one might say.  I was also in charge of the Advisory period which was kind of like a big silent study hall where the kids were expected to be silent and work quietly on homework.  This was a struggle for this young lady.  Not that I blame her but her behavior did get to the point where there were office referrals involved.  After one referral, she brought down the pink slip from the office and said to me while getting dressed for PE, "Coach!  You got me in trouble again in Advisory!  Why do you hate me?"  Whoa there turbo.  Let's back this train up for a second.  I explained things quite plainly for her.  "Giving you a referral for behavior that was inappropriate has nothing to do with how much I enjoy having you in my class.  In Advisory, my job is to enforce the rules and your job is to follow the rules.  When that doesn't happen, the natural consequence is an office referral.  I can still like you as a person but hold you accountable for your actions."  I didn't lecture or glare but just had a casual tone to my voice.  She cocked her head slightly and shrugged in agreement.  "Yeah, I understand that.  I just hate after school detentions."  And off to class she went.  No drama, no tears, no fighting.  Just an explanation of the rules and our roles as student and teacher.

I'm not saying that I'm the best teacher in the world but I certainly know my strengths.  And I'm really good at classroom management and connecting with students.  Any good teacher has to be able to meet their students where they are at academically and emotionally and then have a vision of where the child should be at the end of the year, as well as a plan to get them there.

My natural inclination is to apply ALL the above mentioned stuff about behavior management and discipline to my own personal child.

NOT.  AS.  EASY.

I struggle because I DO take her temper tantrums personally sometimes because I feel as if they are a reflection of my parenting abilities.  My brain and emotions are split down the middle when she acts out - one half of me reverts back to all those child development classes I dutifully sat through in college and I logically understand that she is desperately trying to establish her control over something and throwing a fit is the only way she has to express her frustration at this point in time.  I TOTALLY understand that from a logical and rational child development point of view.  But then there's the other part of me - I have a feeling my mother felt like this a lot when she was working with teenagers while also parenting a teenager, yeah....it's "normal" developmental behavior but you want your child to be better than normal.  To be able to be a role model and above average because then it reflects on your parenting skills.  I'm a teacher and navigate hormonal teenagers every single day.  I should be able to quickly quell a toddler's tantrums.

If only.

Some days it's a uphill battle trying to get her to understand boundaries, limits and making her feel reassured at the same time that she is loved and cared for.  But as difficult as it might be right now to establish and reinforce boundaries and proper behavior with Natalie, I'd rather do the hard work now and reap the rewards later.  

Craig and I were actually discussing this topic at dinner tonight and we both related it to how we approach coaching our respective sports teams at the beginning of the season compared to the end.  At the start of the season, I am a beast in the gym.  I focus on perfecting the warm-up, practicing and correcting proper passing, setting, hitting and serving technique as well as behavior expectations during practices and games.  There are lots of push-ups involved and the girls typically leave the gym sweating profusely.  Quite frankly, although I understand the importance of all the stuff that I'm teaching, it's absolutely exhausting for me to be that tough and strict on my girls.  BUT....the payoff is fantastic because by the end of the season, they can practically run their own practice.  They know when to start stretching, they set up all their warm-up drills and we can easily transition from one activity to the next without hardly any distraction or interruption.  Having them so obedient and respectful also allows for me to be more personal and engaging with them as individuals and as a whole.  At the end of the season, I'm jumping in their drills and we're having a great time playing a sport that we all love while Michael Jackson and Justin Bieber blasts through the speaker system.  Because they know boundaries, limits and have a healthy amount of respect for me as their leader and coach, my teams typically end the season on a high note with all of us genuinely sad to see the season come to a close.

So that's how we're approaching discipline, boundaries, obedience and respect with Natalie - we're beginning with the end in mind.  What type of teenager and young adult to we envision ourselves living with and sending off into the world?  So, with that goal in mind, what actions do we have to take now in order to produce that type of person?  Right now the word "no" is used with us getting down on her level and speaking into her eyes with a firm voice.  There is lots and lots of genuine praise when she follows instructions or makes a good decision.  And when there is a complete meltdown we take a time-out as a family.  Either myself or Craig will take her to the bottom step of the stairs in the entry way (away from most distractions) and we'll just sit, hug and talk calmly into her ear while she wails in an attempt to calm her down.  Sometimes she calms down.....sometimes she doesn't, but she has started to go to that step when she's upset so maybe she is making the connection between that location, feeling out of control and taking a necessary little breather from the situation.  Whatever the case may be, for the most part she minds very well and her meltdowns are few and far between.  BUT we're only at 15 months old so I know there we're just hitting the tip of the iceberg as far as her asserting her independence and making her opinion known.

How do YOU approach discipline with your toddler and do you have any great tricks or tips?