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The Ugly Cry

I cried the ugly cry last night.

You know, the one where you've just a few too many cocktails and suddenly everything is JUST. SO. SAD. Your shoulders start heaving and you're squeaking trying to hold in the sobs until the floodgates open and mascara starts streaming down your face while your husband says bewilderedly "I thought we had a good time? And everything was fine?" 

Yeah.  It was THAT kind of crying. 

What for, you ask?

A myriad of things, really...the end of the school year is always emotional for me because I get attached to my 8th graders and its hard to watch them move onto high school. This year was made infinitely more difficult because I'm hanging up my coaching hat to wear the full-time teacher cap. As I knew it would be, this transition is so incredibly bittersweet. I love watching girls fall in love with sports. I love watching them set goals, strive for greatness and overcome obstacles. Playing sports created so many defining characteristics through tough practices, conflicts with teammates and coaches, and the glory of a well-deserved win. When I coached my girls, I tried to keep in mind that I would be forever etched in their mind as their "middle school volleyball coach" and I had control over whether or not that was a good or bad memory. 

I didn't become a teacher because I love math SO much (although, I really do). I became a teacher because I wanted to leave something on this earth that was bigger than me. I wanted to make an impact in children's lives. There is so much ugliness in the world that our children see and experience. I can't erase the rejection by a parent, or the years of abuse by a loved one....but I can offer a safe place to land for forty-five minutes during the day. I can have an open door policy that allows for communication, a listening ear and advice....when asked. I can show my students the unconditional love that they might be lacking elsewhere.  Yes. Love. I have to love these kids in order to teach them. I have to be invested in who they are, where they come from and where they are headed.

So I cried because I'm scared at this next step. I'm worried that my sphere of influence in the lives ofstudents will shrink due to the nature of being a math teacher. I dread the day my athletes come to me complaining about their new volleyball coach. Or even worse...they tell me how awesome she is and how much they love playing for her. I'm terrified that all these people are excited about my new position and believe that I'm going to do great....and what if I'm not. What if I've been faking my way through this whole teaching gig and I'm really not that great at disseminating information, organizing curriculum and preparing kids for a MAJOR state test? 

And then I cried because of an overwhelming sense of loss. 

My first three years in the classroom were spent at a school where the teaching environment and th comrade rue amongst the teachers was pure magic. There were fun pranks on fellow teachers, happy hours every week and tons of wedding and baby showers celebrating each others major life events. There was a tight-knit group of us that weren't just co-workers, but great friends as well....and I know this contributed to the success of our students and the overall atmosphere in the school. During this time, the girls athletics program won at least six district championships not JUST because we had a run of fabulous athletes, but I think the girls had a great understanding of teamwork because the four of us coaches MODELED teamwork and friendship for them on a daily basis. 

One of these great teacher friends I made during this time was my mentor teacher who took me under her wing while I was student teaching in 8th grade math. She was young, cool and laid back. She also was a former party girl and understood why I was always dragging on Monday mornings. Through my year of student teaching, she became more than just my mentor teacher....but a great friend as well. I would sit with her and her bestie at lunch everyday and I learned so much about teaching , being a wife and motherhood. They became the older sisters that I never had. 

And she's moving. To Colorado. Sigh. 

I'm upset and sad not just because I'm going to miss seeing her at in-services or at swim dates during the summer....but also because its the end of an era. Another important face of those three wonderful years at MMS that is gone. 

At this end-of-school party the other night, most of that old gang was there to celebrate the end of another year, but also to say good-bye to a dear friend. It was lovely...all of us being back together, having drinks, laughing at our crazy antics and marveling at the quickness that time seems to pass. I cried because I miss that camaraderie. Yes, I have a bestie at my new school...but it's not the same. I miss going to work excited to see all my friends.  I miss the kids knowing that if I wasn't in my room in the mornings to check next door with the other volleyball coach - because we were a matched set, where you found one of us the other wasn't far away. I miss conspiring for our yearly prank on the basketball coach - we've tipped over desks, decorated his room in Michigan State (for the devout Michigan fan) and printed off huge pictures of ourselves and taped them to the walls. 

I miss the easiness of it all....we came to work, did our best to teach the kids we had while trying not to take it all too seriously. We knew the lessons we were preparing were tried and true - and we had the test scores to prove it. Because of the educational atmosphere alive and well today in my district, the state and the nation....teaching is stressful. Am I incorporating enough technology?  Are the parents going to contest this very low but very well-DESERVED grade by their child?  Am I going to be docked points on my appraisal for a lack of technology in this ONE lesson they are observing?  Am I strategically designing my lessons? I guess I've been involved in education for long enough to see the changing of tides....and also long enough to know that I've invested far too much time and energy into it to bail out now and find something else to do.

So, I cried the ugly cry while Craig patiently patted my hand and reminded me how much I hate change, but despite my fear of the unknown....it always somehow works itself out.  And he's right.  I'll sit here next year and laugh at my fears of teaching math.  Of course there will be moments when I sit at my desk and wonder WHY DID I DO THIS?!  But when it's all said and done...life moves on, math will be taught, friendships will remain despite the distance but I also have to remember that not everything in our lives is meant for permanence....that's why God gives us the power of memories.  

The Winds of Change

When I was younger I had this "dream" about adulthood - that once you got to a certain age, your life was SETTLED and everything came somehow easier.  I couldn't wait to get to that point in my life where I was coasting along free from traffic and noise, able to sit back and take in the scenery.

At almost thirty, I have realized that my vision of adulthood was just that - a dream that comes in no way close to reality.

Craig, Natalie and I are fairly "settled" in our little community with friends and family close by and we are each five minutes from our jobs and all the fun stuff we like to do.  But in the past week, we've had the conversation "what if this isn't truly what we want or need in order to be fulfilled?"  Followed up by "what do we both need in order to be fulfilled in our lives?"

I didn't quit coaching on a whim.  It was a careful decision made after countless prayers, discussions and scenarios played out in my head.  It forced me to reevaluate my priorities and the desires I have for myself and our family.  It was a carefully constructed, analyzed and conscientious decision.

I thought this decision would also bring a sort of "settlement" to my family.  I would teach 8th grade Math and come home after school to cook dinner, clean laundry and play with Natalie.  Craig would spend the winter months coaching while I dutifully came to the games and cheered on the sidelines.  We would put down our roots here in our little suburb outside the big city and possibly stay in the very first house we bought together before we were even engaged.

I thought we had a plan.

But as with everything in life, plans change...people change...desires change.  So the wind is seeming to blow my little family in a different path right now and the best I can do is float along with it, hand in hand with Natalie and Craig, all the while knowing that winds can change and life will never be fully settled.

Telling the girls...

Written on Thursday, January 17th......

Yesterday I told my seventh grade athletes about the big change.

There was a great big group hug and LOTS of tears.  Many more than I expected.

But enough to make me question myself and say "is this REALLY what I want to be doing?"

I held it together and tried to make my decision make sense to a group of teenagers who generally have no concept of doing what is best for other people.

They just know that I'm their "favorite" coach (on any given day....these are teenagers we're talking about) and they don't want me to leave.  They don't understand the conflict of motherhood, work and my desire to slow down life while soaking up my daughter's childhood.

Right now they sit in front of me coloring, listening to music, playing games and posting selfies to Instagram.  It's an exam day and I'm letting them relax.

Perhaps this is why I am their "favorite."

But in all seriousness, I told them about my prayers over the past few years.  I never bring up faith, God and spirituality with my girls because it's personal and I just don't feel comfortable injecting that into my coaching spiel.  Today though I put it out there so that they would have a greater understanding of where my heart is and why I made this decision.

I talked about my prayers for a new position but how when it didn't happen, I accepted the place God needed me to be in.  I told them how I put it in His hands and did His will until a new opportunity was presented to me.  I spoke of how heavy my heart has been for the past two weeks, carrying this knowledge around with me while they high five me in the hall and we joke in the locker room.

My voice cracked and I fought back tears while trying to help twelve-year-old children understand the very complicated issues of motherhood, career and finding the delicate balance between all of life's responsibilities and passions.  I wanted them to understand that this was both the easiest and most difficult decision that I have made in a very long time.  I wanted them to realize the impact they (and the six years of girls before them) as my athletes and students have had on my heart.  They taught me about motherhood before I gave birth.  They showed me how I can be compassionate, give grace and provide guidance without stifling individual freedom.

Making this change is infinitely harder than I ever expected it to be.

Moving On...

As of June 6th and if the current circumstances remain, my coaching career will cease to exist.

Next year I will forge ahead as a full-time 8th grade Math and Algebra teacher, my days filled with lessons, reviews, tests, tutoring and grading papers.  

This means no more early morning practices, late night games and weekend tournaments.

In general....this is a good thing.

I think.

I mean, when I graduated college coaching middle school volleyball was probably the furthest thing from my mind.  I was going to be a MATH TEACHER and that was that.  But the universe led me in a completely different direction and I found myself coaching middle school volleyball and cross country for what has ended up being the past seven years.  And for the most part, it has suited me well - I stayed involved in the age of athletics (middle school) that I loved the most, I got to mentor girls and hopefully helped them become strong young women.....and I even won a few championships along the way.

My life has been divided into sporting seasons since I was in third grade - the first year my parents signed me up for the city basketball league after a year of gymnastics didn't pan out.  Four years of city league led to three years of A team middle school ball and then finally onto the Varsity team in high school.  I headed up the intramurals athletics teams in my college sorority which culminated with a flag football league victory my senior year.  And then I moved on from playing to coaching....

But what now?

I always joke with my co-workers that sometimes I really get tired of hearing my name.

"Coach!  Look at this!"

"Hey Coach?  What time are we leaving?"

"I don't know what to do Coach!?"

"Coach, I need to call my mom!  I forgot my jersey!"

"Can I go to the bathroom, Coach?"

"Coach, do you like unicorns or narwhals better?" 

(Yes.  An ACTUAL question from an ACTUAL athlete.)

There might have even been a time when I told my volleyball players that the next person to say my name had to do ten push-ups because I was THAT tired of hearing my name attached to a question.

Coach.....Coach.....Coach.

If I'm not COACH, am I now going to be a MRS.?  Yikes.

I think the title change is scarier than the actual JOB switch.

Things will be different.  Life will different.  I will have the luxury of leaving school if Natalie has a doctor's appointment, if there are errands that must be ran....or if I am flat out tired and ready to go home.

So why am I sitting here with tears in my eyes?  This is what I have wanted for several years - my principal coming into my room and presenting me with this opportunity was a the big signal from God as to where my life should be heading.  A slowed down life, spending time with Natalie and the even possibility of having a second child.

Yes.  Another baby.....not now, but sometime in the next year.

I had more or less resigned myself to the idea of Natalie being an only child because I didn't see an end to my coaching career given the economic and employment atmosphere in my district.  But this opportunity has presented itself and with Craig voicing his desire for a second child....I'm allowing myself to become excited, nervous and even a little starry-eyed about this next step in our life.

But back to those tears in my eyes.  I love coaching in the sense of....I love seeing the girls work hard, improve and then that MOMENT when it all clicks for them and they are successful.  I love the close relationships that I form from hours spent in gyms, locker rooms and on a bus together.  Those are the moments that I'm going to miss and those are the memories that I'm going to cherish forever.

I haven't told my girls yet and I am dreading the day when they find out.  The 8th graders will be sad....but they will be moving onto the high school shortly.  It's the 7th graders I worry about.  I don't want them to feel like I am abandoning them....like coaching them just wasn't good enough for me.

Because coaching them WAS good enough for me....until it just wasn't.

And this little curly headed girl is definitely a good enough reason to say good-bye.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes!

Last year around this time Craig and I made a resolution for our family.  We chose a word to live by and we stuck to it.

Exist

2012 was the year that we existed.

But after the previous four years I needed one without any major life decisions.

2008 - began dating and bought a house

2009 - became engaged and began planning a wedding

2010 - got married in March and pregnant in June

2011 - gave birth to Natalie and struggled with PPD

So yeah.....I think we deserved a year off to just BE.  We loved on our pups and watched our daughter grow.  We fixed up the house and celebrated all sorts of fun milestones with friends.  

But what about 2013?  What word are we going to choose for our family to embrace this year?  I'd love to think it was something along the lines of PEACE or SIMPLICITY....

Unfortunately, I just have this gut feeling based on recent conversations that it's going to be another year of CHANGE.

Little pieces are beginning to fall in place and a clear picture of what 2013 holds for us is starting to form.

Among other things, I'll be turning 30 and Craig will turn 40.

Natalie is in the midst of transitioning from babyhood to full fledged toddler.

There are a host of other things that are being put on the table for me professionally and for our family personally.

Usually I'm terrified about any sort of change and adjustment but right now, I'm peaceful and calm.  I'm sure there will be moments of panic and sheer terror, but overall....I'm okay with what seems to be coming down the pipe because it all seems so pre-ordained, if you know what I mean?!

There have been professional and personal goals that I've had for myself but it just never seemed the RIGHT time.  Things just didn't fall into place the way I hoped they would and I told myself over and over that when it was right, it would happen.

And it's all happening this year.

Buckle up.

Who am I?

I've never met this woman but I read her blog everyday.  In a lot of ways, she and I are very different but there is something about the way that she writes that I connect with and today was no different.  Today over on Blue Eyed Bride, Erin wrote about "The Evolution of a Mom."

Read it and come back.

Okay, you back with me now?!

Erin expressed so many things that I think every mother struggles with...especially for those of us who become mothers a little bit later in life.  Yes.  I know that 28 isn't exactly LATE in life, but I definitely had a career and entire lifestyle established long before I brought a little person into this world. 

I think the whole concept of "who am I now" was the root of all my struggles with PPD after Natalie was born...and although I'm in a much better place now that I've gone back to work full time, I still have my identity crisis moments.

Before Natalie (and really, before I was ever pregnant) I was able to focus my time, energy and entire being to coaching volleyball and although I've written this before I will reiterate it - when Craig brought Natalie up to the volleyball game the other night, my heart was ripped in two.  Half of it was on the court and in the game with the girls but the other half jumped clear across the gym and into the stands, wanting nothing more than to forget the game and go home to cuddle and play with my baby girl.

The last six months have really challenged my sense of purpose in this world and forced me to redefine how I value myself and my success.  It's no secret that I like check things off and get high from finishing up a lengthy "to do" list.  Graduated high school with honors....check.  Graduated college with honors....check.  Career straight out of college....check.  Bought first car and rented apartment on my own....check.  And although I can check "get married and start a family" off my list because I have physically done both of those things, there really aren't any clear parameters by which to measure how well I do both of those things. 

And yes, I am aware that I am totally rambling and probably not coherent in any manner but please bear with me as there will most likely be some sort of majorly thoughtful conclusion at some point in time.  But in the meantime - welcome to the slightly chaotic and sometimes out of control mind of a PPD woman.  :)

I guess what my major point is - I used to be able to so clearly see my success and feel good about the work that I was doing in my life but with being a wife and a mother, it's a little bit hazier to really define "success." 

And back to Erin's original point about evolving into motherhood - I have struggled with the feeling of being "selfish" if I tried to maintain any part of my former self instead of devoting my entire everything to being Natalie's mother.  But I think of my own mother who, although I always knew that she loved me, I also knew that she wasn't just MY MOTHER but also a daughter, a wife, a friend, a sister, a youth minister and most importantly.....she was a woman with her own fears, desires, dreams, etc.  She has set the example for me that I can be not only Natalie's mother, but a teacher and coach, a wife....and just Laura - a woman who loves to play volleyball, read books, and sometimes sings really loudly in the car by herself.

Over the summer I went to a 30th birthday celebration for my friend Shevawn and people were good naturedly joking with her about any "fears" regarding her leaving her twenties forever.  I loved the response that Shevawn gave which was something along the lines of how she was looking forward to turning 30 because in her twenties she felt a lot of conflict about who she was (college student, wife, teacher, mother, etc.) but with the start of this new decade in her life, she felt more confident about who she is and her place in this world.  I love that concept.  I want to be in that place emotionally.  I've been there before....a long time ago before Natalie was ever introduced into our lives and I know that I'll get there again.

Math Nerd and Other Tidbits

I took my Math 8-12 Excet exam yesterday morning at 8:00 at Ryan High School in Denton.  For those of you who don't know, in order to be certified to teach certain subjects in schools, you have to take and pass an exam before you can be hired for a position.  In an effort to make myself more marketable for the Math positions that I would really like to have, I must be high school certified...even though I don't want to teach high schoolers.  But at any normal school, 8th grade Math teachers typically also teach Algebra I for the AP kids which is considered a high school course...thus the need for me to be high school certified.  Currently I have my 4-8 Generalist certification which means I can teach any core subject (Math, Social Studies, Science, English or Reading) within the grades of 4th through 8th.  Ideally this should be a good certification because it *should* make me more marketable because I can technically teach so many things that it gives principals a lot of flexibility when needing to rearrange teachers and subjects due to the numbers and needs of the students.  Unfortunately it also means that principals have a lot of flexibility when needing to rearrange teachers and subjects due to the numbers and needs of the students which means that I could be placed in a teaching position that I don't really feel comfortable teaching, like Science or English.  In order to get my current job as a PE teacher, I had to take the K-12 Physical Education exam a few years ago which, as my husband told me...if he can pass it, anyone could.  Unfortunately that is not the case with the 8-12 Math exam - it is generally regarded as one of the toughest tests to pass and for those people who are not mathematically inclined like I am, I can definitely see how it gets that reputation. 

I signed up for the test at the end of December and promptly set about my study plan - I emailed a friend of my sister-in-law's who happens to be the second-in-command Assistant Principal at the high school and she gathered up some study materials for me ranging all the way from Algebra I to Advanced Calculus.  I bought myself a three section notebook, a big pack of mechanical pencils and got my big, pink eraser ready...I meant business.  It got to be almost a kind of joke in the coaching office because I would work my way through Math every day on my conference period.  Since I am already pretty proficient at Algebra I, I took all the chapter tests first and then delved back into the chapter if there was something I was confused about.  All my problems are neatly written, evenly spaced and I even boxed in my answers.  Over the course of the last month, I worked my way through Algebra I, Algebra II and Geometry and then crammed in a little Trigonometry at the last minute through the use of Spark Notes that I picked up at Barnes and Noble.  I'm sure that my studying might have been considered a bit excessive in the eyes of some people, but despite my athletic appearance, at the core of my being...I am a Math nerd and to be real honest - I kind of secretly LOVE doing Math problems.  There is just something about having a problem sitting in front of me and being able to decode it, solve it and get it right that is really satisfying for me. 

Anyways...back to the test.  I arrived at Ryan HS at 7:30 on Saturday morning with four mechanical pencils, a big pink eraser, a TI-83 calculator, a big bottle of water and a bag of Cheez-Its.  I was armed and dangerous...ready to destroy this test.  My little group of 8 testers in room 221 of the high school all started the test at 8:30 and I was honestly thinking I'd be back on the road home by 11:30 at the latest.  As I finished checking and filling in the bubbles for the answers to the first 20 questions, I checked the clock - 9:30.  Uh oh.  At that moment, I knew I had grossly underestimated the time it was going to take to properly complete the exam.  Sure enough...I walked out of the testing room at 1:05 in the afternoon.  And I was the first person done. 

I do have a huge weight off my shoulders and as I told Craig last night, if I fail this exam I will be disappointed because it means that I will have to take it again in April, but I won't be disappointed in myself because I truly feel that I prepared as much as I could in the month I had before the I took the test.  I'm really proud of my ambition in taking the dreaded test in the first place and even more proud about how seriously I took it and how I truly dedicated myself to being properly prepared.  But I think there was a different kind of motivation for this exam - if this test can make me more marketable to principals then maybe I can find a strictly teaching position and get out of coaching and then be able to spend more time at home with Natalie.  Maybe I was more determined and apprehensive because I have something bigger than myself to think about - a little baby girl that is going to need me to be with her at home.

In other news...
- Craig's knee is healing nicely from the surgery that he had on January 21st. It was just a basic scope and suck and by last Tuesday he was up and waddling around the house and driving himself to school. Hopefully this will be the last one for awhile.


- I have another vision for something that I want to have happen in accordance with the birth of Natalie in a few weeks. I know that we make plans and God laughs, but I know that since we have so many friends and family members close by we will be inundated with visitors during our stay in the hospital and once we get home. I would like for Craig and I to be the only two people that bring her home from the hospital. Maybe I'm being unrealistic, but I just have this peaceful scene playing through my head where Craig and I walk in the front door and show her around the house for the first time...just our little family of four: Craig, me, Natalie and Angie of course. Our family is more than welcome to come over a few hours later, but I really think I would like a few quiet hours at home with her and Craig before everyone else comes over. Craig and I built this house into a home for her and I'd like for the two of us to be the ones that welcome her into it.

- As a celebration for my hard work preparing for the Math test, Craig and I went to PF Changs last night for dinner (plus we had a $25 gift card).  I didn't even have to open the menu - bring me some crab wontons and some crispy honey shrimp with white rice.  Yum.  I even think Natalie liked it because when we got home and were lying on the couch watching the Mavs game...she had the hiccups.

- 34 weeks tomorrow.  And I feel it.  Now I know that comparatively to many other pregnant women out there, I don't really LOOK that big.  But for the way my normally long and lean body is built...I feel gigantic.  My fingers and ankles are starting to swell (thanks for the Homedics foot bath for Christmas Craig!) and my back and hips hurt really bad at the end of the day.  I can feel Natalie moving around a lot more during the day than I used to, but I think that's because she is running out of room so I feel every twist and turn that she takes - even when she is sleeping.  The other night she was really sticking her butt out as I laid on the couch and my whole belly was lopsided - Craig found it incredibly amusing.  Her nursery is more or less put together...at the very least, she will have somewhere to store her clothes, a place to sleep and a chair to be rocked in.  I still have to put up the finishing decorating touches and when I do, I will be sure to post some pictures.

- Next up for us is finishing up basketball season in the next three weeks and scattered in there are at least two more showers (one at his school on February 1st and one on February 15th given by six of my mom's friends) and two baby classes (Baby Basics and Birthing).  I'm kind of excited about the baby classes because...kind of like the Math test...even though I know that things won't always go as I have them planned in my mind, I like to be prepared and have a general idea of what I'm up against.  Craig and I have never been through a birth before and neither of us really know what happens between "Honey, the contractions are getting stronger" and "what a beautiful little girl we have!"  It should be an interesting experience nonetheless.

That's about it for now...I'm taking my mom to Le Peep for brunch and then to the matinee showing of Les Miserables that the high school theater group is producing.  I'm very excited for french toast and seeing some of my former students perform in my favorite musical!

Green Grass

Green grass in it's many forms has been on my mind lately...is the grass always greener on the other side? How do we grow green grass through the weeds in our yard?

Our wedding pictures are officially up on our photographer's website (http://www.staticsixx.com, go to online ordering and scroll down to our album, just put your email address in and enjoy!) and I have made the decision NOT to look at any other wedding albums for the time being. I am a competitive person and I like to be the best and although I have curtailed my insatiable need for dominance in the past few years, sometimes the monster still rears it's ugly head. Planning, coordinating and executing a wedding is a personal endeavor - Craig and I worked very hard to infuse our own personalities into our day so that the whole shebang really reflected US as a couple. So when I start perusing the Facebook wedding albums of a few former acquaintances (who happened to get married within a few weeks of me) it affects my core when I see that their wedding might have been a bit dressier, more glamorous and definitely more expensive. I have to reel myself in and remember that I am a different person from my college days and that Craig and I have different priorities, especially when it came to planning this wedding. So what if I wore Steve Madden flats and not Manolo Blahnik heels? My shoes were turquoise and those that know me, know that's MY color. Who cares if our party didn't go on to until the wee hours of the morning? Craig and I aren't party animals in our normal lives, much less on a day when I had gotten up at 6:30 am. The truth of the matter is that I'm not going to compare weddings because...the GREEN monster might appear which will cause the memories of my day to be cheapened and because the GREEN grass isn't always better on the other side - maybe those brides with those big weddings look at MY pictures and think the same thing I do? Who knows? I'm happy with our day because it was perfect for us and that's all that matters.

Another matter of green grass was presented to me on Friday afternoon. I have an interesting Assistant Principal at my school...at times he is prickly, sarcastic and a little angry but I have a feeling that there is a good guy in there somewhere. He and I get along, well...we do now that I'm on board with his sense of humor and I understand to trust nothing he says, but I think our relationship as AP and teacher was strengthened when I taught his very intelligent but slightly awkward 7th grade daughter how to throw the discus at a track meet a few weeks ago. My boys weren't throwing yet, so I took her out on the practice field and broke down the steps of throwing the discus for her. We worked on the basics of holding the disc and how to move our feet and she got a teensy bit better! But more importantly, I think it meant a lot to her dad that I took the time out of coaching my kids to work with her, but also to help build up her confidence. I guess what goes around, comes around because last Friday as I was dropping off some paperwork at this AP's office, he asked me to step inside and close the door. Uh-oh. That's NEVER a good sign. Thankfully, it wasn't THAT type of visit and he just let me in on a little change that was going on at my school. A teacher with a full courseload (6 classes) of 7th grade Math had just resigned and my principal was on the hunt for a new Math teacher to fill her spot. He mentioned that he knew I was looking to get back in the classroom and that this could be a great opportunity since he knows I love Math. He didn't know much about whether or not it could be broken up to include coaching Athletics two class periods out of the day, but encouraged me to talk to the principal immediately. "But, Mr. G! I have class!" I told him. Not to worry, Mr. G promised to cover my class and take them out to play soccer so that I could have this very important conversation with my principal. I was honestly touched by this gesture because it is very out of character for this sarcastic guy but I guess you reap what you sow. I sowed some seeds of compassion for his daughter and on the flip side I reaped compassion by him looking out for my interests.

So, I ran down the hall and met with my principal about this job and now I've got some decisions to make. First of all, this can't be a coaching position due to numbers, class size, etc. If I want to apply, I am saying that I am done coaching for the time being. I still would have to submit my application and proper references and go through the interview process, but my principal did say that I had really impressed him and that I was a vital member of the staff, blah, blah, blah. He likes me and he wants to keep me at the school. Got it.

Now I've got to make a decision:
- Is this "the sign" that I've been waiting for? Is it really time for me to get out of coaching?
- It's no secret that coaching is exhausting and this year has been the biggest struggle for me.
- I am sick of the politics that are involved in coaching at the district level.
- Craig and I already know what our next great adventure is going to be: having a family, and me coaching while pregnant just doesn't sound like much fun.
- I love the game of volleyball and I love watching girls fall in love with it as well.
- I finally got the title of "head coach," am I ready to give up that small amount of glory I've earned?
- I will miss the girls. By coaching, I get to know them so much better than the average classroom teacher. Sometimes this is good, sometimes it is bad.

But here is the problem that I am grappling with:

Right now, while I am in the midst of long nights at track meets, being able to go home right after school and not have to work any extra hours sounds awesome. That grass definitely is greener. But if I take this opportunity and next year I happen to walk by the gym and see those volleyball nets up, will I miss it? Will that grass seem greener than it does right now?

And plus...Craig and I have a plan for our family but it might not be the same plan that God has for us! I would hate to give up coaching this year for nothing. Craig and I are looking at August as our "start date" or whatever for beginning a family but what if it doesn't work out that way and I could have coached another year? But then again, what if I don't take this opportunity and our plan actually happens and I have to waddle around track meets until 9:30 at night while I'm six months pregnant! That would not be fun for anyone involved.

I talked with Craig about this on Friday night and his vote was for me to jump on this opportunity. He knows that I miss the classroom and everything that it entails, as well as the fact that I have been frustrated, tired and bored this entire year while teaching PE and coaching volleyball, cross country and track. I think I know what I need to do, but change is scary...especially when it's coupled with trying to start a family which is an even BIGGER life change.

On an entirely different note, and now about REAL green grass...our yard is a hot mess. We have virtually NO grass but instead a vast assortment of weeds. Weeds in our lawn and weeds in our flower beds. We promised ourselves that we would take care of it AFTER the wedding, but instead we had to divert our attention to Craig's knee surgery and recovery instead of the lawn. I was discussing this fact with our neighbors a few houses down whose daughter is one of my very sweet 7th grade athletes. They are a fantastic family with great morals and values, which they have dutifully instilled in their seven children. Saturday morning I was picked up by my friend Emily to go shopping with her and her two middle school nieces at the Southlake town center. As I was getting in the car, Emily mentioned that she had seen some little girls pulling weeds out of our front flower bed but when they saw her pull up, they took off down the street. Sure enough, I peered down Sunflower Ln. and there were some curly headed girls trying unsuccessfully to hide behind cars. Hmm. I put it out of my mind and enjoyed my morning with Emily and the girls perusing the home decor sections of Crate and Barrel, Anthropologie and The Container Store.

When Emily dropped me off, I paused while getting out of the car. Our lawn had been mowed. Our front flower bed was devoid of any weeds. Someone had cleaned up my yard.

I was moved beyond belief. When talking with my neighbors the previous Thursday at the track meet, sure...they had mentioned "if you need anything let us know - our oldest boy mows lawns for people in the neighborhood" but I didn't think much of it. Most people put that stuff out there to SOUND caring, but rarely follow through on anything they offer. But not this family...they had snuck over to our house on Saturday morning and mowed our lawn and picked our weeds. And more importantly, they didn't expect a dime in return. They had done it out of the Christian goodness in their heart because they knew that life had been a bit of a challenge for us lately and they wanted to do something to take a little bit of life's burden off our shoulders. I'm not sure what I did to deserve this type of kindness but I hope that someday I will be able to repay this family for the act of service that they performed for Craig and myself.

Freedom at a Price

Drinking in college was what I considered "fun" at the time. Sunday through Wednesday was spent in recovery from the debauchery of the previous weekend and in anticipation of the surprises that the upcoming weekend held. It was carefree and careless. I can remember feeling so free at the time - like I could do anything at a moments notice or be whoever I chose for a particular night. From spontaneous road trips to Austin to four inch hot pink stilettos with a denim mini skirt...I thought I was living the ultimate life.

But little did I know that the freedom I felt during college was due to being chained to one thing. Alcohol was everyone's best friend and the ultimate party planner. No Alcohol? No party. He was a man of many names (Jose, Jack and McCormick were my favorites) and never let you down on a Friday night. He talked you into trying new things and becoming a new person. Alcohol convinced you he needed him to have a good time. And for most of the time with Alcohol as a classmate in college, nights with no memories just felt like innocent fun.

I'm not sure where or why my old friend turned on me or when our friendship went wrong, but shortly after college I realized that he no longer gave me the same feelings of freedom that he did during my four years on campus. Instead of relishing in the endless possibilities that life after college offered, I began focusing on the life that I didn't have but desperately wanted. Alcohol began convincing me that I needed him in my life even more because I was so incredibly unlovable that he was the only one who would always be there. He made me lie to my friends and put on a happy face while crumbling on the inside at the sight of their contentment with their own lives. No one knew how dangerous our relationship had become because we were still in the age of innocent fun. Twenty-three was still young, fresh and free! What worries were there to have on a Friday night with new friends and the ever present college buddy?

About a year and a half ago, I woke up and found myself looking at a person I didn't recognize. What had my old buddy done to the girl I once was? That confident, determined and vivacious girl my parent's had so lovingly raised had been swallowed whole by the false promises and deceptive lies told by Alcohol. For the first time in my life, my old friend wasn't looking so cool, so fun or so enticing.

My life has changed because of ending that friendship or maybe because I ended that friendship my life has changed. Either way it's really not a part of my life anymore because I have found contentment in myself. I don't have to rely on Alcohol to make me feel better about myself or to fill the void that was at one time so painfully present.

The break in our friendship hasn't always been easy. Although it has allowed me to form new friendships I think it might be creating divisions in old. I understand that Alcohol might not have this same relationship with everyone, but unfortunately this is the relationship that I had and regardless of any situation...I'm going to protect what I've built. Because from what I personally know of Alcohol, he likes to destroy who I am and anything good I believe about myself. I'm not willing to allow him into my life in that capacity ever again.

Because for the first time in many years...

I am content. I am happy. I am finally and truly free.

"Soccer Mom"

This past weekend was the first weekend that I had to be separated from my baby, Angie. Craig and I packed up our stuff and loaded her up into the car and dropped her off early Friday morning at my parent's house before we drove down to a basketball tournament in San Antonio. Although she knows my parents and the cousins, Andy and Annabelle, it was hard to see the look of abandonment and fear in her eyes as we walked out the door and left her in my mother's arms.

Sigh. Being a mother is tough...even if it is only to a 20 lb. bundle of shedding fur and flying tongue.

During our trip, I got a glimpse into our future together as a family as I watched other families with players unload out of their SUVs. In the backs of every Tahoe or Suburban sat stacked numerous gym bags, coolers and grocery sacks full of "road trip snacks." Every mom seemed to come equipped with Gatorade and bags of chips for refueling in between games.

I sat away from the main group of parents, seeing as how I didn't really know any of them and I'm typically a little shy when approaching large groups of people, but also because I love the coach of their children's team. And frankly...I didn't want to hear any negative comments about the coaching, the players or the refs. As coaches, Craig and I tend to believe that while a player is on the field or the court, there is only one person she or he should be listening to - and that's their coach. There parents in the stands, although very educated or very well meaning, don't always understand the greater idea that is running through the coaches mind during the game. Believe me, we always have a gameplan and unfortunately, it doesn't always involve your daughter, or the actions you keep shouting at your daughter! Will I want my children to perform their best during whichever sport they decide to play? Of course! But at the same time, I want them to be a team player and pay attention to their coach, because that's the person who is in charge - I'm just there for support.

Well, that's the plan anyways.

Upon seeing our future as a family, I'm okay with it. Our mutual love for kids and sports brought us together and that's where we will find joy in our lives as a family.

"But wait," you might say, "what if your kids aren't (gasp) ATHLETES? What if they enjoy...marching band?" Well, Craig and I have discussed that possibility and his comment was that he's going to be the loudest parent cheering for their kid during the marching band presentation at half time. BUT...he also added that our kids will have a basketball put in their hands at a very young age.

All in all, we definitely had a good time in San Antonio, but we were also very happy to pick up our pup and then get into our own bed on Sunday night! The next three weeks are going to be pretty hectic with Craig having two big three day tournaments, me at volleyball camp next week and then we're off to the Bahamas for a week!

It's the Age of Aquarius

Okay. So now...T minus 12 hours until I meet with my principal tomorrow morning about my future at my school and the decision that Craig and I discussed this morning, I'm starting to get a little bit nervous.

The obvious and best choice is for me to leave my school and move to this other school in our feeder zone. And I can even back it up with reasons:
- Chance to break out from Beri and Craig's shadows. As much as I respect both of them AND all the guidance they have shown me in the past three years, I think it's going to be better for me professionally to move to another school where I'm not always associated with them. I'm a fairly ambitious person and I know that if I stay where I am, I will never be satistified with my status within the district.
- Start fresh with little to no expectations or ill-perceived notions about me. I love the staff at my school, but many of them have known me since I was a student teacher there which was almost four years ago. Many things in my life have changed since then and I have evolved into an adult in those years. I think it has been hard for me to bust the "youthful" impression I made on many staff members four years ago. I want people to see me as the capable adult that I am and not the misdirected youth that I was.
- The challenge of building a program. I was able to step into a very established and successful volleyball program at my current school. My second year, we had a fantastic group of hard working athletes that won the district championship. Through Beri's guidance, I have learned what it takes to run a successful program and inspire athletes to develop their skills, toughen their attitude and perform on the court. I also took a fledgling Cross Country program and grew it by leaps and bounds - I could count the number of drop-outs this year on one hand instead of the HALF of the program that quit a few years ago. In addition to growing the program I also got lucky with a very talented group of 7th grade runners that were able to win the District Championship by one point over our big middle school rival! Having said that, the school that I would be moving to used to be the cream of the crop as far as economic status goes and it was reflected in the strength of their program. In recent years though, the talent or maybe the interest has dropped off and the athletic program in general...is struggling. I could have the opportunity to inject new life and new ideas and not just INHERIT great work ethic, skills, and attitude...but develop from scratch. It won't be easy, but I think that it would be a great learning process for me as well as a personal Mt. Everest.
- It's a safe risk. Changing locations and jobs is always hard. I'm leaving behind everything that I have really ever known in a faculty, in a manner of running things and in students and parents. Moving will be difficult for any number of reasons, but the fact of the matter is that it's going to happen sooner or later. The truth is, within this economy there might not be any desirable positions available in the feeder zones that I want next year. I might have to revert back to my 30 minute commute or even worse...change districts. The idea of my job and my position being in purgatory drove me absolutely nuts this year and I am not even FORCED to leave this year. I can't imagine how stressed I will be at this time next year if I haven't found something that I want and I HAVE to leave. At least this way, I know the area, the general manner of students and parents as well as the high school "bosses" that I would be interacting with.
- I want to make it to March 13, 2010. If I were to stay at my current school, I would most likely move to the PE department and guess who is the head of the department? Craig. I would also stay coaching and guess who will most likely be the Girl's Coordinator at the school? Craig. We would be around each other eight class periods during the day and then come home to each other at night. As strong of a couple that we are, I just think that might be a little too much togetherness. I toyed with the possibility of NOT being around him all day and instead coming home to him, sitting at the dinner table and talking about how our days were. Right now we don't do that because at the end of the school day we really didn't have much else to talk about - we had already discussed stuff during the day. I think that it would be better for us to miss each other during the school day and then look forward to seeing one another during the evening.

I'm anticipating making these points to my principal tomorrow morning and I have a feeling he will probably support my decision. As sad as I'm sure he will be to see me leave, at the end of the day I have to do what is best for Craig and myself.

Change is in the Air

It's no secret as to how Craig and I met: we both coach at the same school. I coach girl's volleyball and he is the head girl's basketball coach. We were friends for several years before finally "officially" dating, but according to our friends, we were dating way before that. There are no rules in our district against co-workers dating...but when that couple gets engaged and finally married, that's when it gets a little dicey.

Here's the bottom line: we can both stay at our school through the 09-10 school year but at the end of next year, one of us has to go. And that person, unfortunately, will be me. Not because Craig is the boss of me but because he has a pretty sweet deal worked out with our principal regarding use of the gyms forhis select basketball practices and tournaments. Another principal might not be as permissive as our current one.

It's also not a secret as to how awfully I deal with change in my life. I don't like not knowing what is going to happen because then I can't mentally prepare myself. The past few months have been a little stressful regarding the job situation because I was resistant to changing schools, yet didn't necessarily want to wait until next year and be possibly out of luck. I would ultimately prefer to stay in my current feeder zone (one of the three middle schools that all feed into the same high school) because they are all close to my house and also because the Girl's Coordinator at the high school happens to be Craig's younger sister.

In order to make myself more marketable as a coach, I chose to get certified in Physical Eduaction by taking a TEXES exam last week. I got the results and I passed with about a 93% (you have to get at least an 80 to pass) on the test. Although I was extremely nervous taking the test, I wasn't surprised by my results...I'm a pretty good test taker. Anyways. Craig and I have talked about our future family plans and the general idea is for me to continue coaching until we have our first child. After that, I would look for strictly a classroom or PE position. Although I love coaching volleyball, raising a child with two coaches in the family would be incredibly difficult. I also have a feeling that, like my friend Beri, once I find out that I am pregnant the only priority in my life will be taking care of that baby and the transition out of coaching will be rather easy.

So. Tomorrow I have a meeting with my principal to discuss the plan for me for next school year. After a little bit of thought, a discussion with Craig and my mother and texting my friend Jennifer, I have decided that it would probably be in not only the best interest of my career but also in the best interest of my relationship and future marriage to move schools this year. Yes. It will be sad to not be right down the hall from Beri and Craig and the numerous other people I have grown to know and love...but at the end of the day I can't stay at a school because of other people. I have to make the best decision for me and my family.