Tuesday Nights

This was the scene in my bed tonight as Natalie watched The Lion King with the requisite blankie and stuffed animals. 

At one point Craig was also on the bed, curled up with our little girl in between us. He looked over at me, smiled and wryly said, "did you ever imagine that this would be your Tuesday nights?"

I know what answer he expected me to give. Something about my younger (wilder) days. About happy hours and control of the remote. Times spent with fabulous dinners, delicious drinks and all my friends.  For me to wax poetic about coming home to a quiet, peaceful apartment where my only plans included a drink and a good book. 

But that wouldn't be the truth. 

I looked back at him, glancing past my two pups and the curly headed girl immersed in her "baby lion" movie and I said, "yes, this is actually exactly what I imagined."

It's certainly not glamorous or fancy....but it's home.

Staying Settled....For Now

To say that I have an overactive imagination is quite the understatement.

This can be very good since it allows me to explore all opportunities, outcomes and possibilities.  

This can be very bad since it allows me to explore all opportunities, outcomes and possibilities.

So when Craig mentioned a job opening a few miles (okay, an hour drive time) away from where we currently live, my mind started spinning.  I was looking at houses, searching for jobs and imagining a slower, less materialistically driven lifestyle.  I pictured Natalie growing up in a small town with the opportunity to play multiple sports and be involved in all school activities.  I imagined us knowing our neighbors and having barbecues together in a manner similar to a Norman Rockwell painting.  There were visions of relaxation, less commitments and a focus back on each other.

While Craig was merely sending in his resume and thought the whole gig was a crapshoot, I was miles down the road and envisioning ourselves in an entirely new life.

I didn't realize how badly I wanted to get out of here and start fresh in a small town until the possibility was staring me in the face.  I didn't realize how claustrophobic living in our suburb can be until it seemed there might be another option.  Suddenly the planes streaming towards DFW seemed louder and more frequent.  Traffic became more congested and obnoxious than before.  Everything about living in a major metropolitan area seemed amplified....and I realized that I'm ready to turn the volume down.

But it looks like that possibility has blown away in the wind and our lives will remain where we currently reside.

And my heart is a little heavy from that knowledge.

So we'll stay where we are at and there is obviously comfort in the known.  No packing or moving, no change of insurance or doctors, Natalie stays with her beloved Ms. Rebecca and I stay close to my friends and parents.  

But I did give Craig permission to keep looking and keep sending out his information.  And I'll keep praying for not only the opportunities to come available, but that we are ready to take that leap whenever the time comes.  

Meal Planning Part Deux

A few weeks ago I wrote THIS post about how Craig and I have rehabilitated the way we eat due to his diagnosis of Diabetes II back in January.  Here's a little two part follow-up with pictures to help you get an idea of how I plan and execute meals for my family.

This is my menu board that hangs next to the pantry and across from the laundry room.  There are multiple ideas for this kind of board floating all over Pinterest - I just bought a see-through frame at Target and a few pieces of scrapbook paper at Hobby Lobby.  

This is the family calendar that hangs next to the menu board so that I can keep track of what we are doing and when we are supposed to be doing it.  That way I can check our plans for the week and see exactly what nights we will be home for dinner.

And as far as the super cute calendar?  It's Craig's yearly Christmas gift to me - he pulls pictures from the year and creates it for me.

As you can see...the schedule for this week goes something like this:

Sunday: BBQ Chicken Salad Sandwiches

Monday: Skinny Chicken Pesto and red potatoes

Tuesday: Craig has basketball practice so Natalie and I will eat leftovers

Wednesday: Fish tacos

Thursday: Last day of school so we will be hitting up the parties!

On an average week, I'm cooking about three of the nights and the rest are leftovers or restaurants (mainly on the weekend).  I also pack my lunch with leftovers or a small salad to take to school with me.

This morning, after I quickly planned out the meals for this week I headed out to Tom Thumb (by myself!) to grab what we needed for these meals as well as anything that needed to be refilled (snack bags, dish detergent, Sprite, goldfish, etc).  There is that saying that it takes 21 days for a repeated action to become a habit....and after nine months of meal planning like this, I have some sort of Pavlovian response to Sunday mornings and I MUST plan meals and go grocery shopping or I get all itchy inside.

So that's the first part of this post and the second part has to do with this container.

Since Craig and I started eating healthier I haven't bought or cooked with butter, mayonaise or sour cream....AT ALL.  

And to be honest - part of me is incredibly proud....and the other part is so, so wistful.  

But seriously, there are a ton of recipes out there that substitute Greek yogurt but taste remarkably like the original dish.  One of my favorites was a creamy avocado dip that tasted like guacamole but without the extra calories from sour cream.

The big recipe I needed the yogurt for today was BBQ Chicken Salad which I found HERE but unfortunately at my Tom Thumb the only sizes I could find the yogurt in was either individual (and flavored) servings or a full 32 ounce container.  I went ahead and bought the big 32oz. container even though the recipe called for about five ounces of yogurt.

So I made the chicken salad (and it smells delicious) and popped it into the fridge but the yogurt was calling my name.  I knew that if I didn't do something else with it then it would sit in my fridge and go bad and I would be mad at myself for wasting both food and money.  

To Google I went, which is where I found THIS little gem.

Perfect!  A cup of yogurt combined with ingredients I already had in the kitchen and now I have something sweet (and relatively healthy) to serve Craig and Natalie after dinner is over.  Natalie is super big into bananas right now but I think it would also taste great with graham crackers or strawberries!  

And the best part?  Both of these recipes were easy and quick enough for me to complete during Natalie's naptime.

Family Photos

Here are a ton of the wonderful family photos that we took at the beginning of May - I feel like Natalie has already grown up so much since these were taken.

She loves balloons!

So excited - I got her little outfit at Old Navy!  So cute and so cheap!

And of course she had to wear her turquoise jelly sandals.

Loving on her Ajax dog.

I think this is the one that I'm going to get framed for the living room.

Love this one.

Ha!  We told her to hold up the sign and she certainly followed directions!

My big girl.

Showing off all her teeth!

I know I'm partial.....but she sure is a beautiful child.

And full of personality as well.

Natalie, me and my mother who came along to help wrangle the pups and Natalie.

They're both so silly.

I'm framing this one for Father's Day for Craig.

And of course we couldn't forget about my four legged fur babies.

Like mother like daughter.

Grandma

All week I've been feeling like a little black cloud has been following me around.  Just an overall sense of discontent, unease and general out of sorts.  I tried some volleyball therapy last night but that session was ended quickly when I rolled my ankle (again) and had to limp out of the game and head home early for ice, elevation and compression.  My dreams have been out of control this week - completely off the charts weird and totally terrifying.  

I've just been feeling anxious and contemplative.  But WHY?!  If I knew the source I could figure out the solution.

And today, thanks to my friend Shemika, I remembered why.

Shemika and I come from very different backgrounds which has lead to some very interesting and enlightening conversations in the girls' coaching office.  But despite our differences we have one thing in common - our wonderful grandmothers.  

Today would be Shemika's grandmother's birthday while ten years ago today during dinner with my brother and parents at the Cheddar's in College Station did I find out that my beloved maternal grandma had passed away.

When Shemika mentioned her grandmother's birthday this morning to me, time stood still and I felt like I had been hit in the gut.  

Of course.  That's why I've been more emotional.  That's why I've been preoccupied with crazy dreams.  That's why I'm crying right now.

Even with the greatest of wordsmiths and the largest selection of dictionaries at my disposal.....I would not be able to find the right words to accurately describe and depict my grandma.  She was one of the most inspirational women I have ever met but yet at the same time the most complex.  Maria Amalia was born in Naples, Italy in 1914 and was an Italian Red Cross nurse during World War II.  Towards the end of the war while spending time on the vacation island of Capri she met a tall and handsome American pilot.  They married in her mother's apartment and due to the shortage of proper dress material, she created her wedding dress out of the silk parachute that once saved my grandfather's life as he jumped from his airplane during a mission.  After the war the young couple traveled across the ocean to settle in my grandfather's home state of Louisiana where my mother and uncle were born 14 months apart from each other.  My grandpa eventually became a highly respected member of the agricultural department at Texas A&M and through his career my mother and her family were able to travel the world and live in a variety of places such as Vietnam and Tunisia.  Eventually they settled back in College Station where they lived the remainder of their lives and where they are now buried in the city cemetery.  

But what is the most amazing aspect of my grandmother's life was not her memories of living in a war torn nation nor was it her stories of raising children overseas during the 1950s.  It was her words, her outlook on life, her strength, her dignity, her compassion and her endless curiosity.  

She had this way of making the most seemingly complex problems.........so simple.  With just a few words she could calm my nerves, my anxiety, my frustration, my anger.......her words and advice were like the bright rays of sun that would break through the cloudy sky and illuminate a small patch of grass.  Over the past year I've thought about what Grandma would tell me about being Natalie's mother.  What advice would she give me.  The reassurance.  The comfort her words would bring me.  What I wouldn't give to be able to spend just one more hour with her.  To show her my daughter.  To hold her hand.  

My most cherished and favorite memory of her from my childhood........when my family would first arrive at my grandparent's house in College Station, after the initial "hellos" and "how are yous," my mother and grandma would go lay down on the bed in my mother's room and talk and catch up.  Most of the time they spoke in Italian or French........and sometimes a mixture of both.  I would crawl up between the two of them and lay down, close my eyes and just listen to the flow of their foreign languages roll over me.  My grandma would stroke my long hair and I would drift off into that purgatory between awake and sleep, I could hear what they are saying but it was almost as if I were floating above them.  When my mother would stroke my head and play with my hair it was hurried, harsh and rough but with Grandma.......maybe it was due to arthritis or maybe gentleness and patience is just something women learn with time.  When Grandma stroked my head and hair it was soft, tender and simply wonderful.

That's the moment I miss.  In that moment I knew I was wholly loved and not just by the two women lying next to me but by the generations of strong women that came before them.  There's still some sort of magic for me when I hear Italian being spoken.  I can close my eyes, open my ears and I'm back on that bed, being lulled to sleep by the lilt of my mother and grandmother's voices alternating back and forth.

I miss her voice.  The way she would say "Ciao bella" every time we hung up on the telephone or how there were certain English sounds that just didn't translate into her native Italian so my father's name Doug came out more like "Dog."  Or how it never failed after Sunday lunch at her home in College Station she would disappear into the kitchen and return with a blue glass bowl full of fruit asking us if we wanted a pear, an orange or an apple.  We all took a piece just to make her happy.  I miss how she would stock her fridge with Dr. Pepper and Hawaiian Punch every time the grandkids would visit because she knew those were our favorite drinks.  I still have the specially knit Cabbage Patch outfits she would carefully create for my beloved doll Ellie.

I could fill a novel about my grandma and hopefully someday I'll be able to make these memories come alive for Natalie so that she can have a clear vision of the type of women that she comes from.  

Christmas Present

It's obviously been a rough year in the Nelson household.  Awhile back Craig and I were talking about the year and I told him that it made me so sad to think that even though something absolutely wonderful happened this year with the birth of Natalie, all I was going to remember were the difficult times afterwards.  Those aren't the memories I want to have surrounding my daughter's birth.  Craig being the thoughtful and creative husband that he is, enlisted the help of his photographer uncle and together they put together this montage of Natalie's first year so that I could remember all the good times we had during Natalie's first year.

The first song that is played is "Beautiful Day" by U2 and it has special significance to Craig and I because it was the recessional song at our wedding.  

Email

I sent an email today that is going to get a reaction.....and not a good one.  It is something that I have been meaning to send for a long time but never had the courage.  I was full of fear and weak in spirit.   I didn't have confidence in myself as a person, as a wife or as a mother.  It is not full of anger or accusations, but it is full of my truth....OUR truth because the feelings expressed are shared and supported by my husband.

As I sit here at my computer anticipating the response, I am a bit nervous.  There are butterflies in my stomach and I am a bit light headed.  But I also am confident that the world will not collapse if I express my point of view.  My marriage will not fall apart if I stand up for myself.  Sure, there will be some awkwardness, some tears and some lashing out in response.

But I am strong because God knows my heart.  He knows my struggles and he knows my pain.  I've prayed to him many times over the past nine months for the courage, strength and wisdom to speak what is in my heart.  I prayed as I wrote the email for the words and feelings in my heart to stay pure and not come from anger.  But even having said that, I am not in control of how the email is interpreted.  I understand that and I will dutifully read and try to comprehend the response that is sent.  I will pray for the wisdom to look past the hurtful words and self-serving attitude and see the heart of the matter.

But whatever is sent back to me it will not change the strength and love in my marriage and it will not change the fierce love and attachment I have with my child.  And as long as I have those two things in my life, I will survive.

This is a big deal for me.  Huge.  I hate confrontation.  I hate people being upset with me.  But I have a right to express how I feel and people have the right to either accept it or become angry and lash out.  And you know what?  I'm okay with either response.  I'm not afraid to "get in trouble" because I am confident in the emotions and feelings that I (and Craig as well) have regarding this particular situation.

Things will be uncomfortable for awhile and that's okay.  Life isn't always easy and it's not always comfortable. Eventually it will end.  Everything in life comes in seasons.  A very dark season of my life has ended and I'm not going to allow anyone to take away from the sunshine that I am experiencing.

Too long

For far too long I have tried to please everyone and not taken care of myself.  I have given of myself even when it caused me stress and anxiety.  I have stayed silent about my frustrations and I have been run over.  I have suffered silently while putting on a polite smile.  I have ravaged my own self-worth desperately trying to live up to everyone else's expectations.

Today....I am done.  It is exhausting.

I am not angry.  I am not vindictive.  I am filled with a gentle peace with myself and a deep sorrow for others.

I have prayed for this day to come and it is here.  I have been absolved of that deep seeded anger at myself and at others.  God has heard my prayers and taken the weight off my shoulders.  I questioned Him through the entire journey - wondering if He was listening or if He even cared.  I was losing faith.

And all the while He was leading me to the place of peace.  I am peaceful.  My mind is at rest.  The demons have been settled.

I know now that God has not been testing me.  He has been providing opportunities for me to draw closer to not only Him but to my husband.  To create such a bond between the two of us that no man on this Earth can undo.  I am not angry at God for the trials of this year.  I rejoice in the fact that I have a stronger faith in Him and in my husband.

This does not mean that there aren't stormy skies ahead or that the beast of insecurity, anxiety and depression won't strike again but for today....in this moment....I am calm.  My heart is calm.

And for that, I am thankful.

Holi-daze

Since Halloween is over the Christmas marketing machine is in full effect which sort of bums me out because my favorite holiday is Thanksgiving.  And I'll be really honest as to why: there isn't any stress about buying gifts and spending a lot of money AND if I had to choose my "last meal" it would be Thanksgiving dinner.  It is my most favorite meal.....ever.  I've been half tempted the last few birthdays to ask my mother to make stuffing for my birthday dinner.  My birthday is in August.  But her stuffing is just too good to only have it twice a year.

But my husband.  Loves.  CHRISTMAS.

So much in fact that we already have a four foot Christmas tree sitting in our living room carefully placed out of the reach of a certain eight month old's reach.

I get easily overwhelmed during the holiday season just because I want to make sure that I spend my money on presents for people that they are truly going to enjoy.  I really put a lot of thought and effort into purchasing gifts with the recipient in mind, which I think is a very good quality but at the same time it can absolutely drive me crazy with stress and worry.

This year Craig and I started thinking about Christmas presents in September.  Maybe it's the budget we're on and we want to spread out the spending over the course of several paychecks or maybe it's just the excitement about the first real Christmas with Natalie.  Probably a combination of the two.  Whatever the reason, we're almost done with our Christmas shopping.  Hurray!  This definitely takes a lot of the stress of the season off my shoulders and hopefully I'll really be able to relax and enjoy the holidays without the extra pressure of fighting crowds at the mall, worrying about spending too much, and the last minute midnight wrapping extravaganza right before the big day.

I even have Natalie's Christmas photo ready to be put into the Christmas cards that are already purchased and I am in the process of getting a Word document set up so that I can just print the addresses of the recipients directly onto the envelope.

Sometimes....I really, really, really love being so incredibly OCD.

So here are a few of the things that I've got planned for the holiday season.

DECOR: 

Via

Via

Via

I love these glass jars with Christmas ornaments in them.  On the mantle right now I have two big hurricane glasses leftover from our wedding and they are filled with pinecones and gourds for fall.  I plan on bagging up the pinecones and gourds and replacing them with any and all ornaments that we don't use for the tree this year.

Via

I could do this with some paint and some canvas.  I might not do a door hanger since we have a wreath for the front door, but it could definitely be something to display in the front hallway.

TREATS:

Via

How yummy would this recipe for a sticky bread be on Christmas morning!  Super easy to make and it looks delicious!

Via

A friend of mine made something like this a few years ago and I absolutely love them.  The combination of salty and sweet is so good.  They wouldn't just be a treat for my family but they would be easy to package and hand out to friends and family.  Plus - once Natalie is older it would be a great treat to make with Natalie.

Via

The hubs loves brownies.  How fun are these?

Via

Craig also loves red velvet cake ANYTHING so these treats could be just for him - toss a few green sprinkles on top and voila!  Christmas red velvet brownies!

THINGS TO DO:

Via

Giving gifts for everyday during Advent can get pretty expensive and difficult.  I like the idea of printing off these fun ideas and things for us TO DO instead of BUY.

There was no source listed on Pinterest.

This is kind of along the same lines as the one above.  I could put it in a frame and then use a white board marker to cross things off as we complete something on the list!  Obviously there are some things I would take off (I don't see Craig and I on a horse drawn carriage ride).

Again - no source listed on Pinterest

I don't think this is something that I could do this year just because Natalie is still so little and doesn't have any specific requests for Christmas but in the future this could be really fun.  But just because she puts it on the list doesn't mean she's getting it!  Ha!

BUT....then again, who can really think about the holidays because it's November 8th and I'm wearing shorts and a t-shirt outside with my kids today!

Baptism

Natalie was baptized this afternoon at the same church where I was baptized, received First Communion and then was Confirmed.  My mother was also the Youth Minister in charge of junior and senior high religious education for ten years.  All of our family members and many of our close family friends joined us today at the church to witness and then celebrate Natalie's initiation into the Catholic faith.

Getting dressed in her christening gown before the ceremony.

Being blessed with the holy water while being held by her godparents, my brother Mike and my close friend Kate.

The four adults in charge of the spiritual raising of this child.  Uh oh.  Ha, ha, ha.

At one point during the ceremony Deacon Harry proposed an interesting (and rhetorical) question. 

Why get your child baptized?

As a man of faith he wants to make sure that people are baptizing children with the intent to truly raise them in the Christian manner and not just because the grandparents request it or because "it's just the thing you do."  I've thought a lot about this in the past few weeks leading up to today.  Why do I want her baptized?  What am I commiting to do as a mother for my child through this action?  How does this one ceremony shape the morals and values that my family will uphold?

It's very simple.  I want Natalie to have a relationship with God.

I want her to understand that everything good and perfect is sent from God.

I want her to know that she is made perfectly in his image from the very top of her head to the tips of her toes.

I want her to have a spiritual shield and sword to combat the trials and struggles that she'll come up against in her life.

I want her walk in the footsteps of Jesus and strive to treat people with compassion, respect, kindness and without prejudice.

I want her to lead by example and be a Christian role model for those around her thus spreading the glory of God.

I want her to know that in her darkest hour when she is feeling the most alone, she is not.

And selfishly....I know that I can't always protect her from everything that is bad in this world.  She will hurt and she will cry and I won't always be there.  But God will.  And as a mother who will eventually send my precious baby out into the world, I have to cling to the knowledge that God will always be with my baby even when I am not.

State Fair

I grew up going to the Texas State Fair with my family every year - my mother has the best picture of me at around 5 years old perched on my oldest brother's shoulders, hands resting on his head while the two of us look over the fair grounds map together.  As a family, we always had to eat our corny dog and check out the selection of new cars!  A few years ago another dimension was added to the fair when my dad began entering his metal artwork into the creative arts competition and when he wins (this year second place!) his artwork is displayed in the creative arts building.  Craig and I have been going to the fair together for three years - the first year with our friends the Mannings and their daughter Madeline, last year with the Mannings again except both Dana and I were pregnant and this year Craig and I took a day off from work to take Natalie!

At the start of the fake farm for the kids.  Craig and I thought that it was going to have real animals for her to look at but nope - all fake.  So it wasn't that much fun for her this year...maybe next year.

Waiting for the puppy dog show to begin.  Craig and I really enjoyed seeing all the tricks that the dogs could do but despite all their tricks, we both still prefer our Angie dog.  Natalie would get super excited anytime the crowd cheered.

Daddy and Natalie watching the show.

The requisite fair picture in front of Big Tex.  When he started talking she got VERY startled and her eyes were HUGE trying to look around and see what was making that big noise!

Daddy and Natalie with Big Tex.

A long day at the fair wipes a girl out!

We stayed at the fair from 10:00 in the morning until around 1:00 in the afternoon when it was starting to get warm outside.  We all came home and took two hour naps - ALL of us, including Angie!

Our Walk

I'll repeat what everyone on Facebook is saying today - it is the most gorgeous day outside!  The sky is clear and blue and there is a breeze....and most importantly....it is in the 80s!  Hurray! 

Craig, myself and the little creatures had a lazy morning complete with Craig and Angie sleeping in while Natalie and I went downstairs for coffee, cream of wheat, a bottle and Dora the Explorer followed up by everyone playing and hanging out in our big bed.  Around ten o'clock we pulled ourselves out of bed and threw on some quick clothes, bundled up the baby girl (well...she wore pants and lightweight hoodie jacket), put on Angie's necklace (or a collar as you might call it) and leash and off we went.  We have the cutest park right by our house with a great playground and duck pond - it was so full this morning!  I guess everyone else in the neighborhood had the same idea we did! 

As we approached the park with puppy dog on the leash and Natalie cooing in her stroller I felt a flashback.  It was on one of these great kind of autumn days that Craig and I were going around with our realtor Hudson Floyd looking at houses.  We drove through our current neighborhood and I saw other people having exactly what I wanted - a house, a dog, a family and Saturday afternoons spent hanging out at the park.  Craig and I weren't even engaged at this time but there wasn't a doubt in my mind that he was the man with whom I wanted to make my dreams come true.

Oh.  That sounded incredibly cheesy didn't it?  I apologize.

But the truth is...as we drove through the neighborhood I saw what I wanted for my future flash before my eyes.  I craved the stability and simplicity that seemed to abound in the families that were playing at the park that day.  Their joy in life wasn't from fancy clothes or decadent dinners but from walking down the street with a little hand clasped in their own on their way to fly down a slide and feed the ducks. 

Having lived here for three years I know that just because the houses are pretty and the park is fun doesn't mean that things going on behind the windows and doors in my neighborhood are sunshine and roses.  But all the stormclouds that come along with being married, raising a child and working two full time (and then some!) jobs can be forgotten for a moment with one simple walk down the street on a beautiful sunny day with my loving husband, my beautiful baby girl and my loyal pup.

Future Plans

I know for those of you who don't have children...sometimes reading my blog can be boring because a lot of the entries that I've made recently have been about Natalie in some way.

As my friend Emily would say...that's just the season I'm in right now. 

Especially because we're at home with her all day now that it's summer...my little world revolves around her a lot more.  Come fall when volleyball starts up I'm sure I'll have a wider range of topics to cover.

But for now...a list.  It was a year ago yesterday that Craig and I found out we were going to have a baby.  Even though we had only been "trying" for one month, I had a sneaking suspicion that I might be pregnant because I was exhausted and crabby.  On the way home from my parent's 4th of July party I convinced him to stop at Walgreen's and pick up a few tests.  I went cheap and bought the plus/minus tests and we took them home and tested one immediately.  It was BARELY a plus so I did what any normal human being would do.  I took a picture of it and texted it to my friend Amy for confirmation.  Her conclusion?  It COULD be a positive, but to be sure I should send Craig BACK to Walgreens for a digital test that would definitively say either "pregnant" or "not pregnant."  Like a good husband he obliged while I stayed home pacing the upstairs babbling incoherently to Amy on the phone.  His trip to the store took longer than I expected and I only recently found out why - on the way home he was really nervous about the test (he was hoping for a positive) so he pulled off the road into a parking lot and watched fireworks for a little while to calm his nerves.  When he returned, I took the digital test and I didn't have to wait very long - the word PREGNANT showed up very quickly and again, I called Amy to ask her if the word "NOT" is ever going to show up.  It didn't...and now we have a beautiful baby girl.

And then the fun part started - we got to begin planning for our little girl.  Of course designing the nursery was fun and I couldn't enter a Target without cooing over the cute dresses and shoes, but more importantly Craig and I began imagining all the fun things we would do with her...here are a few.

1. I love The Nutcracker ballet and I want to start a tradition of having a ladies date ever winter with her, my mother and myself to go out to a fancy lunch or brunch followed by seeing the ballet.

2. Craig took her to her first basketball camp last week and I have a feeling that this will become a yearly event.

3. Of course...Disneyland.

4. Craig already has plans for Daddy-daughter dates to the Stars games.  And I have plans for pigtails with green and black bows and a teeny tiny Stars jersey.

5. I want to play dolls with her.  Barbies, Cabbage Patch, dollhouse...I don't care.  I just want to get on the floor and do all the fun and imaginative things with her that my mom did with me.

6. Of course Christmases are about to get a whole lot more fun - she'll be 9.5 months old at Christmas this year so she'll probably be scooting around the house, trying to get into things and a good age to get excited about presents - or the wrapping at least.  And of course...there is that first visit to Santa Clause which is going to be super fun.

7. I have began playing volleyball up at the gym with a few other ladies every Friday afternoon.  A mom of one of the girls that I coach invited me - we used to play in a different league together.  In this Friday afternoon group there are two sets of moms and daughters - one with a middle schooler and the other with a college vball player.  I love how they root for each other but also enjoy a little competition - the moms always "complain" when their daughters beat them on the net or with a serve, but I think they are secretly proud of the athletes they are raising.  I can't wait to share my love of volleyball (and Craig's love of basketball) with Natalie. 

8. Craig and I were talking about maybe taking her to the state basketball tournament in Austin next year which is usually right around the time of Spring Break.  It would be a great first family trip and maybe something fun for us to look forward to every year.

Those are just a few of the millions of things that Craig and I have envisioned over the course of the year.  And those are just things to DO with her...there are even more things that I want to teach her and instill in her as she grows up.  I once (okay...maybe several times) asked Craig if he could choose ONE attribute or characteristic that he really wanted to teach Natalie and have her embody, what would it be?  He answered "confidence."  My choice was a bit more involved "I want her to understand that she is just a small part of the world and her duty is to put other people first and lead with a kind heart."  Or something to that effect.  I don't want her to be self-centered and live in a bubble.  I want her to know that there are people out there with drastically different lifestyles and that as someone who has been given an awful lot in life, it is her duty and her privelage to spread her blessings around to those people who might not have as much. 

I guess you could say I want her to live with a certain amount of humbleness and humility and to be grateful for and content with the blessings that she has in her life. 

I know that it is a natural part of growing up - the desire to "be cool" and have all the neat stuff that everyone else has, but when you're raised as a Christian, you should be striving to live an extraordinary life and sometimes your life and the life of the people around you might not be the same.  Craig and I were both raised in fairly strict households which both held us to high standards academically, socially and personally.  And we will have the same for Natalie.  There will be times that she will not like us.  She won't have a television in her room unless she would like to buy it herself and pay for the extra cable box to be installed and the montly charges.  All cell phones will be charged in Mom and Dad's room overnight to control the late night texting and phone calls and all that stuff.  Facebook and the internet in general is absolutely terrifying...so obviously no computers in her room.  We have a room downstairs that is right now a trophy room and it will be converted to a play room sometime in the next year.  After we don't need a baby play room anymore I think that I'd like it to be a study - put a home computer with a desk in it for homework with a cozy chair and lamp for reading.  BUT...even with all these measures in place there has to be a deeper understanding of WHY we are choosing to live this way.  I want Natalie to understand that there aren't rules just to have rules, but there is a larger reason behind the rules and expectations.  You don't make the right decision because you're afraid of getting in trouble, you make the right decision because it's the right thing to do.  A friend of mine put it very well - you don't parent to get through the day, you parent to get through the next 18 years.  You have to begin with the end in mind - what kind of kiddo do we want Natalie to be when she is 18 and what parenting techniques do we need to install NOW so that we can produce that kind of person?!  That's the kind of parent that I want to be because that's the kind of kid I want to raise.

Well...I didn't mean to get off on a parenting tangent - but as much as we enjoy imagining all the fun things we'll do with Natalie, I also know that there will be times when she is going to push back against us and she will make poor choices and I will feel like an utter failure as a parent.  But Craig and I will stand our ground because we do have the life experience to know the effects of good choices and bad choices and hopefully someday she will thank us for helping her to become a really awesome and successful young lady.

Becoming a Family

I know that I'm a mom.  I didn't feel that maternal urge right away like some women do, but it has been steadily growing over the course of the past nine months...just like my belly.  I've seen changes in the way that I approach my students when I teach and how I deal with them when they are acting less than desirably.  I knew that the little alien growing in my belly was going to make Craig, Angie and I officially a "family."  I had visions of Mommy-Natalie dates to the park and the pool with my friends.  I already made my mom promise that every Christmas we three ladies would get dressed up and have a fancy lunch followed by the Nutcracker ballet.  I've already pictured her entire life and our relationship at every stage.

But I forgot one thing...

This baby in my belly is not just mine.  I'm not just creating a daughter for myself, but a precious little girl for Craig as well.  A few nights ago I walked into the hallway outside of the laundry room and stopped.  Before my eyes laid the most precious scene: my broad shouldered, Adidas clad husband was folding the teeny, tiniest of pink pants with such delicateness.  After he finished, he placed them carefully in her overnight bag for the hospital and then started on her muslin swaddling blankets.  As I stood there I realized something - this man was going to become a daddy.  And not just any daddy...but a daddy to the little girl that I already love so much that is patiently growing inside of me.  And she and he are going to have their own special and magical relationship completely seperate of mine with her.  And in this thought and in that moment, I was fully satisfied and content in the knowledge that I had picked such a special man to be such an important part of her life.