Back to School!

Apparently I've been posting about the new school year entirely too much on Facebook because I was called out by my fellow teachers to basically...shut the hell up about "back to school."  But what can I say?  I'm totally, genuinely, 100% excited about my new adventures in the classroom.  Of course I'm anticipating those moments when I'm sitting at my desk with my head in my hands and tears in my eyes, desperately wishing for the simpler days when all I worried about was a practice plan for volleyball.  I'm not under any illusions that this adventure I'm about to embark upon is going to be easy, carefree or devoid of any bumps in the road.

But for the past seven years I have started the year with a certain sense of dread - dreading the fact that I will, for the next two months, be required to arrive at school at 7:15 and on game nights I will not be leaving until 9:00 or so.  I'm just excited about having the CHOICE to leave at 4:15 if it's been a long day and I'm just ready to get the hell out of dodge and go see my family.

So in my excitement, I've been hitting up Pinterest to see what kinds of cool ideas I can start implementing in my own classroom this year.

Remind 101: An easy way to send out a mass text from an anonymous phone number to all my students and teachers about upcoming assignments, important dates or tests.

THINK: A great message for kids about their digital citizenship.

Teacher's Assistant Pro: An easy way to keep track of attendance, tardies and general behavior in my class.  Great for parent-teacher emails, phone calls and conferences - much easier than writing it all down!

Modpodge Printables: While coaching, I was the queen of clever sayings that made it easy for my girls to remember exactly what I expected from them.  This would be a great way to continue those sayings and bring them into the classroom.

Scrap Fabric Curtains: Oh yes...these are definitely going up in my room.  I am terrible at sewing so I think this will be MUCH easier for me to complete in order to add some pizazz to my classroom!

T-shirt Canvases: Tossing out my team t-shirts is going to be the HARDEST thing for me to do because with every t-shirt comes along memories of that year's team and games.  So instead of throwing them all out when they get worn, how cool would it be to display them around my room?

Albert Einstein Quote: This is one of my favorite quotes because I think it really emulates the direction modern education is going.  I HAVE to realize that every child is coming to us with such different abilities and it is my responsibility to make sure they are learning in a manner that helps them understand. 

Fair is NOT Equal: Again, another quote...but this one is super important for kids to learn.

Printable Binder Covers: I've got three fabulous girls heading up Student Council this year and I want to set the tone for how the year is going to go.  I'm putting together exec binders for the girls that will be kept in the StuCo room and since I've got those three girls - why not go super cute and girly with the covers?

I promise not everything I've got planned for the year involves cute decor and sayings - that's just all the fun stuff about being a teacher!

Is this it?

Sometimes I feel this deep desire to just fall apart and sob. Today is one of those days. Nothing is wrong. Life is good, Natalie is beautiful and Craig spoiled me yesterday with new clothes.

But yet, I'm unsettled. Something is not sitting well in my stomach and my brain.

Perhaps it's the world that I'm surrounded by right now. So much is in limbo....so much is undecided.

The austerity in Washington.

My course load of classes next year.

The successful integration of technology into the classroom next year.

The conclave to choose a new pope in Rome.

And always weighing on my mind is if or when we will add to our little family.

So much of this is out of my control and I can say that I have faith in God's plan for not just me, but our family, my school district, my church and my country.....but saying and truly believing can be miles apart from each other sometimes.

And on a more personal level....

I've been struggling with the idea of REALLY being a mother. The other day, Craig and I were walking through the mall and I was pushing Natalie in her stroller when I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection of a store window.

Worn and faded Converse.

Light wash, boot cut jeans from Old Navy.

Aggie shirt and black Under Armour wind jacket.

Wet hair pulled back into a messy bun....minimal make-up.

I shuddered and groaned. I looked like somebody's mother. With or without pushing Natalie through the mall, to the naked eye, I was obviously past my prime and hurtling towards the fashion point of no return which I believe includes yoga pants, my husband's over-sized t-shirt and a loss of personal dignity.

Seriously.

I fought back tears as we strolled past shiny clothes on svelte mannequins while skinny college girls skimmed through the racks.

I used to be that girl.  And sometimes I wish I still was.

But then I look at Craig and Natalie and feel such immense guilt.  Why are they not enough?  I have so much to be thankful for, so to feel jealous of a skinny girl with a seemingly disposable income who is shopping at the mall seems so.....shallow.

But as much as I love the two of them, they cannot consume me.  I cannot be strictly their doting wife and cherished mother.  They are exactly what I want in life, but not ALL that I need....and is that okay to even admit?  That my family isn't all that I desire for myself?

Is this a pre-thirties-life-crisis?  Quite frankly, I'm exactly where I thought I would be at thirty - I am married, with a child, a home and a career.  I worked hard for everything I have and now is the time I should be pushing the coast button so that I can enjoy the view.

But I know that's not me.  I won't be content just coasting.  I must have something to challenge me.  I'm not happy if I'm not scaling some sort of mountain.

So perhaps it's okay that I'm unsettled right now because that's part of THE plan.  Maybe there's something waiting in the wings that will break open for me to tackle.

The Seven Year Itch

The last few weeks of work and teaching has been by far the most difficult of my entire seven year career.

Tougher than juggling coaching, teaching 6th grade geography and 8th grade math without a true classroom of my own the first year I taught.

Tougher than dealing with hyper-helicopter parents that emailed me regarding a grade the minute I hit "save" in the online gradebook.

Tougher than leaving my friends and comfort zone when I switched schools because Craig and I were getting married.

Tougher than piecing together a volleyball program that the girls would be proud to be a part of.

Tougher than last fall when I had a volleyball game on Halloween and missed Natalie trick or treating as the most adorable zebra.

Nothing major happened to make it difficult....life in the school is just plugging away.  Lessons are created, written and put into action.  Students are taking notes, socializing with friends and forgetting to turn in homework.

But something in my soul is restless.  Frustrated.  Annoyed.

I couldn't put my finger on why I was losing my temper or having trouble finding academic inspiration for lessons and my students but then a co-worker said this to me after hearing my complaints - "but you're young, you can go do something else if you want; there is still time."

But I'm not and there isn't.

I've invested seven years of my life to the educational system in Texas and four and a half more than that if you count the years I spent studying to become a teacher.  I'm at the point where I'm too far in to even consider a career change.  And plus....what else am I qualified to do?  In what other career would I have the luxury of summer vacations and two weeks off at Christmas?  Craig and I had a child because we were settled down in our careers - going back to school isn't an option, both in terms of time management and finances.

So here I am.  Struggling to find inspiration.  Frustrated with what seems to be a smear campaign of the public education system by political figures.  Annoyed with students who don't seem to care as much as I do about their success in school or in the athletic arena.  Angry at parents who believe that the school I love so much isn't good enough for their child to attend.

Even writing this post is sapping me of energy.  It's being pieced together sentence by sentence, a little bit written here.....a little bit added over there.  Almost as if I'm trying to siphon out my feelings a tiny piece at a time or else the whole dam might burst and I will be a complete emotional mess sitting alone in my classroom.

Maybe I'm tired right now because I know what awaits me next year - a whole new path in my teaching career.  Or maybe this is a good thing - to become bored with the coaching regime so that I am better prepared to say good-bye to this part of my life when the end of the school year comes.

I guess I'm stuck in limbo.....the perpetual state of waiting - a purgatory of sorts.  Biding my time until the year ends and I start fresh next year with a whole new host of challenges and problems to conquer.  I've just never, EVER had to push myself this hard to be interested and excited about my job.

And now I sit here listening to "Awake My Soul" by Mumford & Sons and they're right.  I need my soul to be awakened and rejuvenated.  I need a change and a challenge.  I need something to kick me into gear so that I can approach my job with fresh eyes and an open heart.

Sunshine

First off, yesterday ended up much better than expected.  The initial response was hurtful and harsh, but I was expecting that.  We talked it out last night and I think the other party involved has a better understanding of the larger issue that Craig and I have been dealing with this year - one that did not have anything to do with them.

Spurred on by the courage of a college friend and blog buddy, Meagan....I'm ready to say the words for myself.

Postpartum Depression and Anxiety sucks.

Soon after Natalie was born (as in minutes) I felt that something in me wasn't right.  I didn't react to her the way I THOUGHT I should.  When she was placed in my arms I wasn't overcome with that intense love that everyone talks about.  I thought something was wrong with me and that because I didn't feel that initial rush of emotions for her, that I should never have had a child in the first place.  I felt that God had made a mistake in giving me a child.  I struggled to identify myself as somebody's mother, but yet still as myself.  I took my job as her caregiver and as Craig's wife very seriously - I wanted to be perfect for them.  But I just couldn't.  Looking back I can't even explain it except that I was in a fog that I just couldn't snap out of.

There were (and still are somedays) two of me.  The real me was standing on the beach in the sunshine.  On the dark days I was standing across stormy water on a cold and lonely island.  I could see myself vaguely through the fog that rested on top of the water but I couldn't figure out how to get there.  Occasionally there were days where I was on the shore and basking in the sun but for the most part I was trapped on that island unable to communicate to anyone about how I felt or why I felt that way.

It was awful.  And not just for me but for Craig as well.  I have a feeling that even Angie the pup noticed a change in me.  At first I was just sad, anxious and worried all the time - I didn't like to be alone with Natalie.  I felt trapped to the bed nursing her and then I felt guilty for feeling trapped and even a little resentful of her.  Over time, my sadness turned to anger - why wasn't I getting better?  Why was I being such an awful person and most frequently - why was Craig still married to me when I was obviously making his life so miserable?

I prayed so many nights for God to take this away and for me to be able to stand back in the sunshine on the beach in my vision.  I just wanted to enjoy my husband, my child and my life.

And here we are today.  Last Tuesday I woke up and had to deal with certain issues in our world and I was no longer angry - I could clearly see the situation and assessed how I felt about it and most importantly, I felt confident in myself and my feelings.  I was in the sunshine.  But this time was different.  I had been in the sunshine before but it was fleeting for only a day, an afternoon or even a moment.  I can't put my finger on it but I just knew that the bulk of my struggle was over and behind us - God had answered my prayer and I had survived nine harrowing months.  And just in time for me to truly enjoy the holiday season with Natalie and Craig as a truly happy and grateful family.

And then I cried for the millionth time this year.

Luckily this time it was tears of joy and praise.

Am I cured?  Absolutely not and I know that I could slip back at any time but right now I feel so strong and competent and unafraid.  I can't tell you why right NOW feels different from two weeks ago or two months ago but I don't feel the fog at all.  I feel at "one" with myself - and when that "other" person sneaks into my brain and tries to take over, I can shut down those negative thoughts.  For the past nine months when I was feeling good I would almost feel the fog coming in and wrapping around my brain and dragging me away from my sunshine and back onto my cold island.  Not now.  I already had my first "test" this week - Craig called me on Thursday at school and he has been tentatively diagnosed with the mumps (I know!  This isn't 1950!  Who gets the mumps!  That's another blogpost entirely) and cannot be around Natalie without a face mask because she hasn't completely gotten her MMR vaccine.  So.  I'm in charge of everything.  Cooking dinner, feeding Natalie, changing diapers, bathtime, keeping her entertained, and the most frustrating for me - bedtime and nighttime.  But two nights in and I haven't lost my temper and I haven't uttered the words "I can't do this."  I've had frustrating moments (Go.  To.  Sleep.  My.  PRECIOUS.  Child.) but I've calmed myself down and gotten through it.

This is big.  Huge.

So here I am putting this out there and making what everyone around me has suspected into cold, hard truth.  I'm not ashamed of what we've gone through this year because it could happen to anyone (although I think my type-A, perfectionist personality made me more susceptible) and above all - IT'S NOT MY FAULT.  I didn't cause this and going forward Craig and I know what could happen IF we decide to have another child - we will be more prepared for the aftermath of birth.

There you have it.  If you need more information or are curious, my go-to website has been Postpartum Progress.  They've got tons of great testimonials, research information and just general "this sucks right now but you'll get through it" kind of things to help out women going struggling with this tough issue.

Momma Bear

I have a new title among my 8th grade Division I volleyball players.  I am no longer "Coach" but instead "Momma." 

Sounds a little creepy, right?  Let me give you the background.

I have a wonderful group of girls this year - they aren't necessarily the most athletically talented girls I've ever coached BUT they are the best listeners.  They generally trust me and my volleyball knowledge and when I tell them to do something different or make an adjustment to their game they do it and voila - they become a better player and a better team.  I would much rather coach a group of kiddos that listen and apply what I tell them than a team full of stubborn athletes.

There is one special young lady who has a very unique spark that is truly God given - she is full of life, incredibly witty and lights up the court and her teammates with her enthusiasm and energy.  But there is one thing that she struggles with in volleyball - her height.  She's my shortest player (but with the highest jump) and desperately wants to hit as easily as the taller girls.  This has been such a challenge for her that it landed her in tears one morning practice after a game.  She and I had a heart to heart about the challenges in life that God gives us and how this is just one of those things she is going to struggle with during volleyball.  I promised her that we would work on her hitting to find a way for her to be successful and have the glory that comes along with getting a great hit over the net.

Last night was our 3rd district game and I was a little nervous seeing how terrible the girls had played last week and this week we were playing a VERY tough team.  From the start of the very first volley I knew something special was going to happen.  My first six girls on the court were playing phenomenally - talking it up, serving well, passing perfectly and taking risks by hitting the ball on the third touch.

By the way - if you don't understand volleyball, I totally apologize for all the "lingo" I'm throwing around in this post.

The game was neck and neck, back and forth for every point and I was going hoarse from all the yelling, albeit it was GOOD yelling...but yelling nonetheless.  I called a time out and I looked at my little one and told her if she got the opportunity to hit "her" hit - she has a great back row attack (a jump and hit from behind the 10' line).  She and the other setting looked at me like I was crazy and they tried to convince me that physically that would never happen because of their position on the court, blah, blah, blah.  I cut them off and looked at her and said "If the opportunity happens...hit the dang ball from the back row.  I know you can do it."  She looked at me again like I was crazy but just said "Ok coach," and we broke from the huddle and the team returned to the court. 

And what would you know....in the next rally, the front row setter set the ball and there she comes from right back, flying through the air and KABOOM!  She sends if flying over the net, knocks down a member of the opposing team and we win the point.  The gym completely erupted as did the six girls on the court and the six sitting next to me on the bench.  The team collapsed on my special little girl and I wish I had a picture of the joy on her face. 

After I settled down from the excitement, I had tears in my eyes.

I love my girls.  That much I already knew.  I put my heart and soul into coaching them and as an emotional person I can't help but get attached to my 8th graders each year. 

But this year is different.  Maybe it's that I'm a mother now and I look at each of these girls as someone else's daughter.  Maybe it's just a special group of girls that I've formed a unique bond with.  I don't know.  But I wanted that hit for this girl.  Not because I wanted to get the team a point....but I wanted her to feel the joy, the pride and the accomplishment of that moment when you hit the ball and are successful.  I prayed that she would figure out how she can best serve her team and I'm so glad that I was able to find her "sweet spot" - that area on the court from which she can hit the best. 

So back to the Momma Bear.

Each morning after a game we get together as a team and hand out awards for the best plays and stand out players of the game the previous night.  Of course this girl got a special award - the heart award, given to the girl each week that plays with the most heart for the game.  I talked with the team about the discussions that this young lady and I have had regarding hitting and height.  I discussed how proud I was of her because I wanted that success for her - I wanted her to know that she can do anything she wants.  And of course, I got a little choked up about it and then that started me talking about how I am so much more of a sap after I had a baby.  They looked at me and said "Aww."  And thus started the "momma bear" comments. 

But I'm okay with it....because to a certain extent...during the volleyball season, I am their momma bear.  I push them to be better, I comfort them when they are having a bad day and I protect them from refs when they are in a game. 

I've always been one to wear my heart on my sleeve and I always thought of this trait as a bad characteristic of mine.  But I feel that when my players know how much I care about them, not only as players but as young women as well....I think I inspire them to work harder, play smarter and become the best athletes and young women that they can be.