Staying Settled....For Now

To say that I have an overactive imagination is quite the understatement.

This can be very good since it allows me to explore all opportunities, outcomes and possibilities.  

This can be very bad since it allows me to explore all opportunities, outcomes and possibilities.

So when Craig mentioned a job opening a few miles (okay, an hour drive time) away from where we currently live, my mind started spinning.  I was looking at houses, searching for jobs and imagining a slower, less materialistically driven lifestyle.  I pictured Natalie growing up in a small town with the opportunity to play multiple sports and be involved in all school activities.  I imagined us knowing our neighbors and having barbecues together in a manner similar to a Norman Rockwell painting.  There were visions of relaxation, less commitments and a focus back on each other.

While Craig was merely sending in his resume and thought the whole gig was a crapshoot, I was miles down the road and envisioning ourselves in an entirely new life.

I didn't realize how badly I wanted to get out of here and start fresh in a small town until the possibility was staring me in the face.  I didn't realize how claustrophobic living in our suburb can be until it seemed there might be another option.  Suddenly the planes streaming towards DFW seemed louder and more frequent.  Traffic became more congested and obnoxious than before.  Everything about living in a major metropolitan area seemed amplified....and I realized that I'm ready to turn the volume down.

But it looks like that possibility has blown away in the wind and our lives will remain where we currently reside.

And my heart is a little heavy from that knowledge.

So we'll stay where we are at and there is obviously comfort in the known.  No packing or moving, no change of insurance or doctors, Natalie stays with her beloved Ms. Rebecca and I stay close to my friends and parents.  

But I did give Craig permission to keep looking and keep sending out his information.  And I'll keep praying for not only the opportunities to come available, but that we are ready to take that leap whenever the time comes.  

Just Call Me Tracy Flick

I thought I had a good plan and was confident in my decision.  All I was going to do next year was develop my curriculum, infuse some technology and help kids find success in math.  I figured doing all that was going to be stressful enough so no reason to pile on extra duties.

But then I was cornered by one of our young, cool coaches who raved about my superior Excel, Word and general organization skills.  He commented that my skills were JUST what he needed to help him run Student Council next year.

Apparently in the few short years we've worked together, he has figured out that flattery will get you EVERYWHERE with me.

So now I'm signed up to co-sponsor Student Council and with all the new technology, grading and curriculum changes coming down the pipe, I will also be designing a new approach to teaching Algebra and 8th grade math.

I guess I'm just not happy with life if I'm not going a hundred miles an hour, white knuckle gripping the steering wheel with my hair on fire.

Working Momma

Come Monday morning, our beautiful two week vacation for the Christmas and New Year's holidays will be over and I will drop Natalie off at day-care and return to school.  Being a working mother is always a tightrope walk; trying to balance a long day of work full of responsibility with nurturing, parenting and loving a child into adulthood.....sometimes when you're absolutely wiped and devoid of any spare patience.

These are a few personal "rules" that I have institued into my own life in order to find some sort of workable balance that allows me to invest myself into the education of my students at school without neglecting my biggest responsibility - love Natalie and being her mother. 

Just a disclaimer - this works for ME as a teacher whose contract hours during a non-coaching season are from 8:15 until 4:15 but during that time in the day I am very scheduled with no real room for running errands or going to appointments.  Since I've never been in the corporate world, I can't specifically say how these would work on that level, but hopefully you will all be able to find something useful nonetheless.

1. When you're at work....do your work and when at home....BE at home.  It all goes back to what our teacher's told us during school - use your time wisely.  Do work at work so that when you get home, the computer can stay closed and you can spend time playing babies, trains and puzzles.  But for me it's more than just not bringing home tests to grade or creating lesson plans at 10:00 during Jon Stewart - it's the emotional aspect.  It's allowing a nasty email from a parent to weigh on my heart and mind which ultimately affects my mood and behavior at home with Natalie.  When we are together, Natalie deserves my loving attention and does not need to bear the brunt of my bad day at work - something that has nothing to do with her.

2. If possible, set a time limit and stick to it.  Even before I had a husband and child, I set this rule for myself - 5:00 was my usual deadline, with 5:30 if I had more papers or tests to grade.  I found that I worked more efficiently and productively if I imposed a time limit on myself by which I HAD to have a particular set of tasks completed.  It also helped me feel less overwhelmed by a large work load and instead with a time constraint I was able to focus and prioritize on what needed my immediate attention and what could be left until the next day.  Working repeatedly long hours wreaks havoc on your energy and psyche....and NO lesson plan or ungraded assignment is worth risking my mental health.

3. Plan ahead.  On Sundays Craig and I plan out our week - we sit down with the menu board and my planner and figure out what nights we will be home and what our commitments look like.  By doing this, I'm able to look forward and see when I will have to leave work early for a doctor's appointment or right at 4:25 to make it to Craig's basketball game on time.  This way I can more effectively manage my time at work and know when I need to have certain items prepared due to time constraints later in the week.  Sometimes parents get a bad rap at work because of the idea that we have to shirk duties due to an after school sports game or a sick child.  My thought process is that if I'm going to cut out early from work on one day, I better be making up for it some other time so that I am still being a functioning, competent and productive employee.

4. Designate a Family Night and make it a priority.  Sometimes between our school schedule, my personal volleyball league, Craig's select basketball practices and other social activities, our weekly calendar gets pretty jam-packed to the point where we haven't really talked until our heads hit the pillows.  Since MOST weeks our games and such are consistently on the same days, we are able to designate one certain evening as our Family Night.  Most of the time we don't do anything special - I cook a good meal, the television stays off for the most part and we sit up in the playroom and play babies, blocks, Legos, read books and pretty much whatever else Natalie wants us to do.  Even if you can't ensure that it's going to be the SAME night every week, try to pick one night a week where the outside world disappears and the only thing that matters are the people in your home.

5. Be flexible and enjoy the moment.  I'm definitely a person who revels in a schedule.  Bedtime with Natalie starts around 8:00 and involves jammies, putting her babies to bed, reading a book with Craig and then being rocked for about ten minutes before being placed in her crib.  And believe me....there are certainly days when we are counting down the minutes until we can kick off her bedtime routine just because it's been THAT kind of day.  But then there are the evenings when she is delightful and neither Craig nor myself are quite ready to put her to bed when 8:00 rolls around.  So we let her stay up a little later and enjoy her presence, forgetting the time and schedule.

Working and being a mother is always going to be tricky.  There will be sacrifice and there will be some sort of guilt.  But it can be done....and the family unit can thrive.

Running Scared

For much of this blog I have reiterated the fact that I wanted what I saw all my friends getting - a true love, a best friend, the stable life. I have hoped, prayed, dreamed and reassured myself that someday it would happen. But honestly, I'm not sure if I ever truly believed that it would happen. I think after living on my own for so long, I got used to being just that - alone. I relegated myself to the fact that being single and living on my own was just the way it was going to be. I knew what I wanted to have in the future - the house, the husband and the family - and it was exciting, but yet sad because all my friends had it and I didn't. But looking it straight in the eyes is an entirely different matter. Because now it's sitting in front of me - the true love, the best friend and a stable life, complete with a big house, mortgage and swimming pool. And I'm totally running away from it and he doesn't understand why.

He is an amazing person - not just successful, funny, kind and all those other wonderful attributes; but it's amazing that he puts up with me. He just takes me in stride and accepts who I am and loves me because and despite of everything. He is one of the most patient, even-tempered, logical and rational people I have ever met. Maybe that's why we work - I'm probably the opposite of all those things!

Last year, I wrote about how I wished Christmas had that magic again. I was in one of the lowest points in my life. Period. I remember sitting at my computer, bathed in the glow of the white Christmas lights from my carefully decorated turquoise tree, just praying for the magic to return. Not just the magic of Christmas, but the magic in my life. He brought that back to me without me even knowing it. I sit here now, on October 12th, listening to Christmas music...totally ready for the holiday festivities. Not just because of the presents, but because of the promise of spending it with him...my family. I'm not sitting here imagining a fairy tale life filled with lazy mornings and cozy cuddling in front of a fire every night. I'm picturing getting up in the morning, getting the paper for him (well, the sports section at least), drinking my coffee while reading a book as we relax in front of our own Christmas tree. I want that comforting feeling of "home" with him that you're supposed to have around the holidays.

And so, as I am sitting here again, in the dark peace of my apartment with only the dim glow from the parking lot lights illuminating my living room, I am praying again. Not for the magic to return, but for some sort of assurance or sign that he is the one. But then again, I think - do I really need anymore signs? Yes, he screwed up this summer...don't think I haven't forgotten! But, she isn't an issue - I know in my heart that he realizes what true friendship and companionship is about...and she never showed him that. I am content and secure in what we have between us to not be intimidated by her anymore. I still am damn curious to meet her though. He was there without question when I was in the hospital this summer, and when I went to the ER for my ankle last spring. And the weird thing is that when he would look me in the terror filled eyes in the ER when I had just found out that I was going to have to have surgery, I 100% believed him when he told me that I would be fine. And on several more occasions, if he tells me things will work out, or if he knows that it's going to be okay, or whatever he's giving his opinion on that I'm worried about...I feel so peaceful knowing that he is confident in the outcome. I trust his judgement without question and I look to him to give me the strength to persevere and be courageous. Not because I need him around in order to do things, but because I have to see myself through his eyes before I know I can do something. Does that make sense? I know that he sees me as I am, even when I doubt myself. Which is very often sadly. But if he believes that I can do something...I know that I can because he knows what I am capable of.

I know that I'm totally rambling, but I can't sleep until I get all this worry off my chest.

So, the bottom line is that there is a house hunt going on and I am petrified. Almost to the point of paralyzing fear. And I am really trying to figure out where the "fear" is coming from, or what it is aimed at.

- Am I afraid of making a commitment to him in the form of a house without a commitment on my hand? To a certain extent, yes I am. Because I see the world in black and white and it is hard for me to see any grey. I like definite answers, definite plans and rock solid evidence before I believe anything. But if I'm waiting for a handwritten letter from God stating that he is the one for me...I might never get married or move on to the next stage in my life. I have to trust him when he tells me that yes - he indeed wants to spend his life with me. I saw the look in his eyes when he told me that - it was open, honest, firm and unwavering. He meant his words and that's what I have to believe. Would I like a ring? Yes, of course. But I'd rather him have wait and have the time to save up for a really big one. Ha, ha, ha. But seriously, there is a sense of cart-before-horse during our house talks, but I also have to remember that every couple's path is different. We aren't going to be like any other couple. Not just because everyone is unique and all that crap. But because we are both very individualistic, independent and stubborn people - we do what we want and what makes us happy regardless of what the "norm" is.

- Am I afraid of losing my independence once we combine our lives? At first, I was having terrible nightmares about being chased by a figure of death, knowing that my life was about to be over and there was nothing I could do about it. I was honestly oblivious to the meaning of my night terrors, but being the man that he is - he laid it all out for me and explained my terrifying dreams. I was afraid of losing the independence that I have developed over the three years that I've lived on my own. Once I realized what my dreams meant, I dismissed that fear as silly. He's not the type of guy to ever want to clip my wings and not allow me my personal freedom. I think my fierce independence is one of the things that he truly loves about me. And plus - hopefully we'll get a house where we can "escape" each other and do our own independent thing.

- Am I afraid of failure? Always and forever will I be afraid to fail. It's been what has propelled me to be successful in my life. My goals were never to achieve great things...but to just NOT FAIL at anything. Probably not the most optimistic outlook on life, but it's worked so far. I think by living on my own I have established myself as a pseudo-adult in a certain extent. Sure, I have bills and rent and car payments and everything, but living in an apartment is still a sign of a certain "youthfulness" that screams "I'm not TOTALLY settled down yet like a 'real' adult." To me, a mortgage and a yard to mow would completely cement my feet in the real adult world. And I'm afraid I won't be any good at it. I have to trust myself...I am more capable than I give myself credit for.

I think the bottom line is that I'm afraid of the financial gravity of it all. It sure is nice to have a rather disposable income where spending money on frivolous things every once in awhile doesn't really throw my budget out of whack. But at the same time, even in this crazy financial situation the country is currently in, I know that both of our jobs are fairly stable...but more importantly...I believe in us. I believe that when the two of us are working together we accomplish some pretty great things. We are very similar in that aspect - if we have a goal, it's going to become a reality. We're both stubborn that way.

Crossroads

I had lunch with my brother today and the conversation fell upon an interesting topic.

What I want out of life.

Do I want to settle down right now, or am I enjoying having boy toys?
Ugh...that's a tough one. Of course, it's nice to have a man around to hang out with, to lean on and to spoon with. But at the same time, in order for that to happen...you have to be in a serious relationship with him, right? Or else, it just gets weird and complicated. I have a brothel of men in my life right now that are simply friends...I think. Some of them might have other intentions, but I'm pretending not to have knowledge of those intentions. I enjoy spending time with each of them - drinking, playing video games, going out to eat and shopping. I'm sure that I if I pursued any one of them actively, I could form somewhat of a relationship...but then, I'd be potentially losing a good drinking or shopping buddy. My relationships with men right now are, for the most part, uncomplicated and easy, requiring little emotional effort on my part.

Do I want to get married?
Yeah, probably. But marriage is so...final. I just don't see myself as someone's wife. And I know for sure that I don't want all the hullabaloo that goes along with getting married. We'll see.

Do I want to have kids?
Even more than the wife thing...I know I don't see myself as someone's mother. Not right now, and I don't know if ever.

The thing is...there are so many different paths that my life could still take. Do I want to have a quiet life in the suburbs, driving an SUV and raising my kids? I feel that I would get so utterly bored and disconnected from what makes me happy in life. I'm sure that I could put on the happy face and pretend like I enjoyed the way my life had turned out, but I would bet that on my 40th birthday, I would collapse into tears because I hadn't lived my life the way I wanted. That I had somehow given up on all the personal goals and boundaries that I had set and wanted in my twenties...

So, on the other hand, do I want to have that fast paced, jet setting lifestyle in the big city? As glamorous as a Dallas high rise, BMW's, posh restaurants, and vacations in Tahiti sound...would I eventually become alienated from the type of person that my parents raised me to be? Would I get so obsessed with money, success and keeping up appearances that I would forget to form a lasting relationship with the important people in my life?

I think the bottom line is that I need to figure out the type of person and lifestyle I want to be and to have in ten years. And right now, I don't think that I'm in a place where I want to think that far ahead. I am completely infatuated with the way that my life is running right now. I have a great group of different friends that I can chill at the lake with, or I can party in Uptown with. I am getting to live every different type of possible lifestyle that I could ever want or need. I guess eventually, I will figure out what I want for my future and when I've done that, I will look for someone who has a similar vision.