Purposeful and Productive Prayer

The other day I had to break it to my naive little sixth graders - live does not get easier.  I tried to break it to them gently and without invoking a fear of the future, but the fact of the matter is......it's an important life lesson.

I remember growing up that I always thought things would be better once I got to that next stage.  Life would be awesome once I got my driver's license and could cruise out of my house whenever I wanted.  As soon as senior year hit I was ready to move out of the house, into the dorm and live the college lifestyle free of any parental restrictions.  But being broke and having my bank account at the mercy of my parents got old pretty quick and as graduation approached, I was dreaming of living on my own, buying lots of clothes and running around town in a shiny new car.  And that's what I did for two and a half years.  But the fun wore off and as I saw my friends finding REAL contentment as they became engaged, married and for some, even mothers.....I realized that I too yearned to be in that next stage of life where things settled down and became routine.

And here I am.  Married, a mother - the epitome of settled down and routine.

Except that it's not.

Life still throws us curve balls.  Things happen that we can't possibly plan for.  There is struggle and pain.  There is heartache and there are tears.

When God created me, he didn't give me a thick skin.  For whatever reason, a reason I have yet to figure out, he created me in a manner so that I FEEL EVERYTHING.  I am a sensitive person.  I take things to heart and I wear that heart firmly on my sleeve for all to see.  I love deeply and am handsomely rewarded by the intimate friendships that I have in my life.  But this sensitivity also creates intense hurt when loved ones struggle and experience pain or even when love is betrayed, damaged or rejected.

In the past I would cope with pain, worry, fear, unease, stress and all other negative emotions by drinking, shopping, and partying....among other things.  If I didn't have time to sit around my apartment letting my brain wander to things that were unpleasant, then it meant that those bad things and bad emotions didn't exist.  

Needless to say..........that coping mechanism didn't always work.

So now that I'm somewhat of a grown adult, I have been forced to find a different way of working through my anxiety and worry when it comes to the curve balls that life throws at us.  After all, anxiety is a sign that you're not trusting in God and in His plan.  If I can trust in God and pray for the guidance and wisdom that only He can provide, then my Earthly anxieties should be quelled because I have faith in His goodness.

The most surefire thing that I have found that adequately douses out all forms of anxiety and stress in my life is prayer.  Praying for the patience to get through the next five minutes or praying for the health of a friend's child.  Praying for wisdom, guidance and support.  Prayers to help me find the right words to use so that my message comes across clearly and with compassion.  A prayer to help me look beyond the surface and have patience with a struggling student.  Daily prayers that Natalie will grow up happy, healthy, secure and safe.  Continual prayers for the health and well being of all my family and friends.

There is so much in life that is completely out of my control and I cannot possibly protect myself and those that I love from bad things happening to us.  Babies will get sick.  Parents will someday die.  Friends will be in car accidents.

The only way I have found to deal with all my stress, my worry and my anxiety is to pray and truly place it into God's hands.  I used to think that meant giving up and being a sheep but I have found it to be so empowering.  It takes such a weight off of my shoulders that I can focus on being proactive and effective in my real life instead of spending so much time in the foggy haze of anxiety.

I have a dear friend Kate who in addition to being someone I have literally known since birth, she is also Natalie's godmother.  I chose Kate because she is the yin to my yang in a way that is lighthearted, carefree, spirited, mystical........characteristics I would absolutely love to have but find a hard time displaying in my day to day life.  In January Kate gave birth to an adorable little girl named Audrey and we were thrilled with the prospect of our two daughters growing up to be great friends just like we did.

Shortly after Audrey was born, Kate and her husband Karl had an epically rough night where Audrey refused to eat for several hours and subsequently went into a coma-like state.  Scary stuff with a newborn.  Long story short and after MUCH testing and debate, they were sent onto a specialist for more testing and the tentative diagnosis of VLCAD which is essentially a disorder where a person's digestive system cannot break down stored fat for energy leaving ONLY the food in one's stomach for energy.  Basically all of that meant was that for the remainder of Audrey's life she would never be able to have an empty stomach and would be on a very strict diet made up of foods that would maximize the amount of energy her body absorbed.  This also meant that for the time being, Kate and Karl had to feed Audrey on a very strict schedule of EVERY three hours with no rest.  

In addition to fear, worry and exhaustion, there was a sense of loss.  No cupcakes at birthday parties.  No Trick or Treating on Halloween.  And since this is a genetic disorder passed on by the parents....the possibility of no biological siblings as well.

All of this on top of caring for a newborn child and adjusting to the new roles of parenting.

It was a curveball.

And the only answer was prayer.  Lots and lots of prayers for a cure, a misdiagnosis, a lesser form of the disease.  

I prayed for their marriage.  I prayed for courage and strength for Kate.  I promised no sweet treats for Natalie when Audrey was around.  I prayed for the silver lining to the clouds that my friend was experiencing.  There had to be a greater lesson - something BIGGER that was to come out of all this.

I believe it was in April sometime when I saw the missed call and voicemail from Kate.  I listened intently to what she had said.  And then I had to listen again.  

And then I screeched.

All the testing that Audrey had undergone to clearly define and diagnose the extent of her VLCAD?  Came back negative.  She is one perfectly healthy and happy little girl.  

I was absolutely stunned.  Overjoyed and excited.  But stunned at the power of prayer.  Those results were better than anything I (or Kate) had allowed ourselves to hope for.  

There it was right in front of me.  The power of prayer and the evidence of a little miracle.  A little miracle with soft reddish fuzzy hair, big brown eyes that are always alert and skinny legs that are constantly moving.

I look at my own life and see the outcomes of my prayers - the character of my husband, the strength of my marriage, the health and vitality of my daughter, and the grace and wisdom I am gaining each and every day.

Life as an adult can get overwhelming.  At times it's hard, messy and ugly.  And for those of us that were created a little more sensitive than the rest, all that ugliness can be shattering and debilitating.  By giving up control of the situation and putting it all into God's hands and trusting the plan that He illuminates for me, I am actually able to feel more in control of my life and emotions here on Earth which make me much more productive and helpful during those stressful situations.  

I want Natalie to understand that someday......her life will get ugly too.  Things will happen to her that neither Craig nor myself will be able to protect her from.  And in those darkest moments (and then once back in the light as well) I hope that she will be able to call on God to help quell her anxiety as well.  My goal as her mother is not only to create a self-sufficient adult but a devoted lifelong child of God as well. 

A Surprise Shout Out

Ahhh....testing season is upon us.  I spent the hours between 9:00AM and 1:00PM the past two days cooped up in a classroom with 24 children watching them take the benchmark editions of the state mandated exams.  

No reading a book.  No surfing the web.  No checking emails.  Just.  Watching.  Kids.  Take.  A.  Test.

If the term "watching paint dry" pops in your head, that would be an accurate assessment of testing.

Needless to say I was happy to get home today on my very long afternoon conference period to eat some yummy leftovers and catch up on all the blogs, news and gossip I had been deprived of this morning.  My happiness turned to surprise which melted away into sheer flattery (flatteredness?  Okay, whatever....I was flattered) when I checked up on my sorority sister, Meagan's most recent blog posting.

Say what?!

Me?!

Wow.

I'm like Meagan.  I write and I blog for me.  I'm selfish that way.

I don't do it for the traffic flow; I don't do it for freebies and giveaways and I certainly don't do it for any type of monetary compensation.  I do it because apparently.........I've got a lot to say.  And the scary thing is?  As much STUFF that I put out here on the web, there's just as much that is written down in my super-duper-top-secret journal that is hidden in a very special spot in my bedroom.

Wouldn't you like to know what is written in THERE?!

But in all sincerity, I was really honored by Meagan's words because that kind of stuff is not what I'm seeking when I type a post.  I just kind of word vomit whatever is racing through my brain at the time and cross my fingers that people can relate or understand.....and maybe even giggle every once in awhile.

Oh.  And then there's my mom - I do Natalie posts because she likes to read my perspective of parenting my child.

The best kind of praise is the kind that you don't expect.  The ones that come out of left field.  When that kid in the back row who usually has his head down, concentrating on his doodle pad....you know the type.....when THAT student tells you that his favorite time of the day is your class.  Or when a parent sends out an email just thanking you for taking the time to sit down and chat with their student - which happened to be on a day when their child really needed a listening ear.  Or perhaps when you're just going about your daily business cleaning and straightening up the house and your husband, sitting on the couch like the king of a castle, says...."you do a really great job keeping our home organized and pretty."  That's the good stuff.  The praise that happens when you're just living your life, just doing your thing and someone gives you that pat on the back.

So thanks for the shout out Meagan - and thank you for giving me the inspiration to be open, direct and honest about my struggle with PPD.

Baby Shower Bonanza

On Sunday, November 20th my mother and I threw a small shower for my very good friend Kate in celebration of her little girl that is due at the beginning of January.  Kate and I have known each other since we were born - literally.  Our mothers met in a Bible Study class when they were both pregnant and then worked together at a pre-school for many years as well.  Kate and I grew up together and she is a staple figure in all of my childhood photos.  In the past few years she has thrown not just one, but TWO beautiful showers for me - one for the wedding and the other for Natalie.  My mother and I were both so excited to be able to put together a beautiful shower for Kate and her little girl Audrey.

The cake table in the garden room.

The cake people were able to mimic the scroll work of the invitation onto the cake.  Gorgeous!

**Oh...and hello Miss Natalie and Andy the pup in the background!**

I'm so excited that Natalie will have a life-long friend just like Kate and I did.  It's so fun to see our 8 year-old dreams and life plans come to fruition!  We were both bridesmaids in each other's weddings and now our little girls are going to be so close in age and will be playmates!

This was a baby shower game that I was inspired by on Pinterest - it's How to Take Care of Audrey....MAD LIBS!

First you fill out the envelope with ANY word that comes to mind that fits the part of speech - verb, noun, adjective, etc.

Then you fill in the blanks with the corresponding word and voila!  Advice for Kate and her husband Karl on how to take care of baby Audrey.  Some of them turned out to be pretty funny and it was a great way to break the ice with everyone.

The food table consisted of: chicken salad and croissants, veggie platter, nuts, fruit salad, quiche and spicy crab dip with crackers.  Yummy.

The table in it's entirety.  Kate is decorating the nursery in creams, browns and greens with a more pastoral feel so we went more natural in the colors.  Luckily those are the same colors as my house and I was able to use many of my decorations from home.

Kate and her cake!  You can't even tell she's pregnant in this picture!  She looks FANTASTIC!

Ahh...there's the baby bump...and the grandma-to-be, Miss Becky.

Kate in the middle with my mom and me on either side!

Happy shower Kate!  I can't wait to meet baby Audrey!

And fingers crossed she comes out with beautiful ginger locks!

Our Village

Growing up, I didn't have a lot of our extended family of grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins living nearby. Visiting family was always an overnight traveling adventure. I never had to ask how much longer until we got to Grandma and Grandpa's house in College Station because I was so familiar with the landmarks, that I could figure it out on my own. Waco was always halfway and we never failed to stop at the McDonald's for a restroom break...and if I was lucky, for french fries.

Although I wish that I had been able to have grown up a bit closer to our family, I never felt like that sense of community was missing from my life. My parents moved to into my childhood home before I was born and they reside there still. Through church involvement, Boy and Girl Scouts and PTA, my parents (especially my mother) was able to create and form lasting and deep friendships with many people in our area. So although I didn't have my Aunt Jody nearby, I had two of my mother's closest friends Kathy P. and Kathy G. who always loved me and watched out for me just like their own children. I definitely had a large "village" community that cared about me, listened to me, watched out for me and held me accountable for my actions when necessary.

Last night at dinner, Craig and I were discussing the small town several miles north of us that his friend Ron coaches in and I asked Craig (he having grown up in smaller towns throughout Texas) if he would ever be interested in moving to a town like that and being the head Varsity basketball coach. He didn't have to think about it for long before answering that he really enjoys the suburban area that we live in because everything that we need (both material and social) is close to us. Our house isn't huge and it's not in "posh" area of FM, but it is big enough for us with room to grow and we have the most delightful park down the street a few blocks. Our house is firmly in the middle of the neighborhood, but yet we can easily get to the major thoroughfaires that are close by. Within a ten mile radius we have copious amounts of food, shopping and entertainment choices and our city has done a fantastic job of integrating parks and public recreation areas into each of the smaller subdivisions.

But more importantly than the amenities that our community offfers, as I sat at my the baby shower thrown for me yesterday by my friends Heather, Amy, Kate and Beri, I looked around at all the women gathered in the living room and realized that these women were going to be the "village" that helps to raise Natalie. They are the ones that I will go to when I have a question about child rearing and they will be the ones that she will seek advice from when she is a teenager, just like I did with my mother's friends. And all of the women are so different and unique...I know Natalie will be exposed to a variety of temperments and personalities, but yet will feel the same adoration and love from all of them. Craig and I are very blessed to have these women in our lives and I don't think we could have chosen a better place to settle down nor a stronger group of female role models for our daughter.

Weekend with the Pups

When we were buying the house, I was a little skeptical of why Craig so badly wanted a pool in the backyard. I was convinced that we could buy a better house with our money if we didn't have the stipulation of a pool as a "must-have."

I should probably trust Craig more often.

Just last week, I had my friend Beri, my friend Emily and her two boys and my college roomie Lauren over to the house on three separate occasions to swim and relax by the pool. It really is a joy to be able to invite people over on these hot Texas summer days to jump in the (warm) refreshing water. And there have also been a few times when I've come home from running errands and found Craig floating in the water; shades and hat on and beer in hand. So Craig was right - the pool was definitely worth the more detailed house hunting experience. And it turns out that with a little convincing on a hot day, Angie will climb aboard a raft for a little lounging in the water as well!

On Friday morning Craig and I drove down to my parent's house and went out to breakfast at IHOP with them. They were about to leave for the Galveston area for the weekend to attend a family friend's daughter's wedding on the Gulf. Unfortunately, their two terriers Andy and Annabelle were not invited on this weekend getaway and Craig and I had graciously volunteered to take care of the pups...BEFORE we had gotten Angie. But when you already have one dog, what's another eight little legs wandering around our house?! We might have been a little crazy and we were definitely a little nervous considering Angie's timidness and insecurity around unfamiliar dogs and people. The weekend went relatively uneventful - Angie did have a few messes on the floors, but I think it was because she felt that her sanctuary had been invaded. For the most part the pups (or "the pack" as Craig called them because of their propensity to run everywhere together) played well - lots of fetch, tug of war and lounging around either snuggled next to or on top of Craig and myself. Andy and Annabelle returned home this evening around 6:00 and I think Angie kind of missed them at first. She roamed around the house sniffing the scents left behind by her cousins...but eventually seemed to relish in the fact that she now has her Momma and Daddy all to herself again. Regardless of how she felt about their visit...she is exhausted and is currently sacked out next to me in the bed, lying on her Aggie blanket.

Coming up this week Craig and I are going to attempt to get some stuff done for the wedding:
Tuesday: flower appointment at 5:00
Thursday: cake tasting and decorating appointment at 1:00
Sometime: begin buying "thank you" presents for the bridesmaids, groomsmen, readers, ushers, parents and little ones in our wedding

Not Your Typical Bride

Craig and I had a small engagement party last night with our bridal party, a few mutual friends and our families. We went to the horse races in Grand Prairie and rented a suite for everyone to enjoy the races and then the Cross Canadian Ragweed concert afterwards. The only people that were missing was my middle brother Michael who lives in Maine and my Matron of Honor Amy who also lives in Maine (but not with my brother...that would be weird).

Although the evening turned out great - everyone had a fun time watching the races, talking with one another and eating the delicious food - I started out the day not too happy. At 3:30 I was still lying in bed without any make-up or even a shower telling Craig to go to our engagement party alone without me. I just had a great deal of anxiety about the whole situation. I'm not the type of girl that gets really excited and giddy about wedding planning or celebrating - I'm more meticulous and coordinated in my general approach to life and I'm more concerned about planning and making sure everything is right rather than excited about the whole process and being a "bride."

And surprisingly...it's very difficult for me to be the center of attention. My bridesmaid Kate provided a very funny anecdote about me last night upon seeing a picture of me about to go to my first dance class. In Kate's words "Laura was very precise and exact in her movements on stage, but you could tell she wasn't enjoying it." It made me giggle, but at the same time, I think it provides great insight into my personality. I was always so comfortable on the court playing sports in front of people, but not in a dance recital-type atmosphere. I guess it was the whole "seeing your audience staring back at you" thing that bothered me. During a basketball game, I was just one of ten players all mixed up on the court and I was too focused on playing the game than noticing the crowd.

I just don't want people to be disappointed in me as a bride. I'm not going to be the type that oohs and ahs over everything bridal and I'm also not going to do things according to what's considered proper. I have always been independent and done things my own way - regardless of the potential outcome, and I plan on creating our wedding with the same attitude.

I just want to be Craig's wife and at the end of the day, yes...I want it to be beautiful and memorable, but I also don't want to have the wedding run my life because if that's what happens, I won't focus on what happens AFTER the wedding - the marriage.

And by the way...at this time (9:19 pm) in nine months, Craig and I will be dancing, drinking and eating at our wedding!

BUT. Despite all my fears (that everyone wouldn't get along or have a good time) and my anxieties (about being the center of attention or a bad bride)...everything turned out great. Craig did a fantastic job of setting up a wonderful evening for our bridal party and families. I don't think any great fortunes were made, but hopefully it was a memorable evening otherwise. I think the funniest thing was when my five year old nephew was so intently cheering for a certain horse because if that horse "gets first, second or third my mommy wins money!" I don't think of it as teaching the wicked habit of gambling, but instead a proper lesson on chance and probablity. Perhaps the most delightful treat of the night was Craig's Uncle Tim, his dad's younger brother, driving into town from Abilene for the evening to take pictures of the event! Uncle Tim is a freelance photographer that lends his talent and skills to documenting local events around Abilene and is currently moving towards weddings and senior portraits. We were really blessed to have him there and also have such great records of our evening!