Is this it?

Sometimes I feel this deep desire to just fall apart and sob. Today is one of those days. Nothing is wrong. Life is good, Natalie is beautiful and Craig spoiled me yesterday with new clothes.

But yet, I'm unsettled. Something is not sitting well in my stomach and my brain.

Perhaps it's the world that I'm surrounded by right now. So much is in limbo....so much is undecided.

The austerity in Washington.

My course load of classes next year.

The successful integration of technology into the classroom next year.

The conclave to choose a new pope in Rome.

And always weighing on my mind is if or when we will add to our little family.

So much of this is out of my control and I can say that I have faith in God's plan for not just me, but our family, my school district, my church and my country.....but saying and truly believing can be miles apart from each other sometimes.

And on a more personal level....

I've been struggling with the idea of REALLY being a mother. The other day, Craig and I were walking through the mall and I was pushing Natalie in her stroller when I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection of a store window.

Worn and faded Converse.

Light wash, boot cut jeans from Old Navy.

Aggie shirt and black Under Armour wind jacket.

Wet hair pulled back into a messy bun....minimal make-up.

I shuddered and groaned. I looked like somebody's mother. With or without pushing Natalie through the mall, to the naked eye, I was obviously past my prime and hurtling towards the fashion point of no return which I believe includes yoga pants, my husband's over-sized t-shirt and a loss of personal dignity.

Seriously.

I fought back tears as we strolled past shiny clothes on svelte mannequins while skinny college girls skimmed through the racks.

I used to be that girl.  And sometimes I wish I still was.

But then I look at Craig and Natalie and feel such immense guilt.  Why are they not enough?  I have so much to be thankful for, so to feel jealous of a skinny girl with a seemingly disposable income who is shopping at the mall seems so.....shallow.

But as much as I love the two of them, they cannot consume me.  I cannot be strictly their doting wife and cherished mother.  They are exactly what I want in life, but not ALL that I need....and is that okay to even admit?  That my family isn't all that I desire for myself?

Is this a pre-thirties-life-crisis?  Quite frankly, I'm exactly where I thought I would be at thirty - I am married, with a child, a home and a career.  I worked hard for everything I have and now is the time I should be pushing the coast button so that I can enjoy the view.

But I know that's not me.  I won't be content just coasting.  I must have something to challenge me.  I'm not happy if I'm not scaling some sort of mountain.

So perhaps it's okay that I'm unsettled right now because that's part of THE plan.  Maybe there's something waiting in the wings that will break open for me to tackle.

I'm sorry I'm not sorry

Last Thursday was just a tough day.

Something stupid set me off because it was a reminder of so many other times when boundaries have been crossed and disrespected.

I'm not perfect in any sense of the word.

I know that I have a temper.

I wield words like a shield and sword, putting up a defense while simultaneously aiming for the jugular.

Perhaps it comes from being the youngest of two brothers growing up - I knew that I was no match for them physically so I had to find a different kind of weapon.

Regardless of the reason or the source....when I purposely use my words to inflict pain and suffering, it's simply not right.

It would be easier to brush off my hurtful remarks and apologize if I truly said them in the heat of the moment and that they didn't come from my heart.

But I don't feel sorry because I meant what I said, it came from straight from my heart.....and I think that is what scares me the most.

I am capable of loving so deeply and whole-heartedly. I give selflessly to Craig, Natalie, friends, students and my family. But on this subject and with these people I am hardened and unforgiving.

A friend of mine used to joke about my love of justice, which stems from my strong sense of right and wrong.  And although it was a "joke," as with any teasing, there was some semblance of truth in her statement.

I might not *love* justice, but I do hold grudges.  I do struggle with unencumbered forgiveness.  If I am going to truly forgive someone I want an apology first.  I want the offending party to understand what they have done wrong and then to acknowledge it to me.

How self-righteous I am.  How self-important I feel.

Ugh.  How ugly this characteristic of mine seems when printed in black and white.

Who I am to believe that I am a true judge of other people's flaws, mistakes or intentions?

I need to learn to forgive like God forgives.

Independence

I'm sitting here at the computer in the kitchen with the sunlight streaming in through the blinds and a cup of hot coffee resting on the table in front of me. 

The house, for once, is still.  The pups are outside sniffing and poking around in the grass.  Craig is coaching his teams at a basketball tournament.  Natalie has been at Grandmama's house since 5:30 yesterday afternoon.

Except for the hum of the washer and the clicking of this keyboard, there is silence in my home.

As much as I love the mornings where there are two adults and three little creatures crawling around our bed, I crave mornings like this.  

Sometimes I desperately miss the solace of living on my own.  The independence to wake up slowly, cherish every drop of my coffee - maybe even have a second cup.  The ability to sit out on the porch with a book and watch the world wake up.  The thought of a whole day full of possibilities that stretched out before me.  No commitments, no tantrums, no grocery shopping.  Just me, floating through the day, taking advantage of whatever came up - whether it was meeting up and lunching with a friend or just hunkering down in my bed for a Lifetime movie marathon.

As wistful as I get for those days, I look around my living room at the stray turquoise Converse next to her little white rocking chair where she loves to sit and read her precious books.  I see the tiny pink Crocs that were so lovingly gifted to us from a very dear friend and her adorable daughter.  There are two dog crates which hold her favorite playmates, whom she excitedly helps release when we return home from school or any other trip.  I love those things - the little signs of the precious baby girl who tromps around the house with such determination and joy.

Life is a give and take.  In order to have the love, security and company that I craved while living in that apartment, I had to give up a certain amount of independence and freedom.  But this is just a phase and I know that it will all circle back at some point in time.  Soon enough, she will be eight years old and free from any sort of carseat, able to get in and out of the car on her own which will make shopping easier and faster.  Then she will be sixteen and cruising around town with her friends and I will no longer be her chauffeur attending to all the demands of an active tween and teenager.  Then she will be twenty-three and out in the world on her own, inviting me over for dinner in her newly acquired apartment, proudly displaying the "grown-up" set of dishes and servingware she purchased for herself.  

But in the meantime, before I get to all those things, I'm going to enjoy this quiet moment by myself.  

*************************

For whatever reason, this ending of the school year has made me more nostalgic than most.  I think it's the first year where I've been acutely aware of how long I have been a member of this community and the impact that I've had on these children and their families.  Children that I student taught math to when they were in 6th grade are now graduating high school and going on to do amazing things.  

Craig and I had a wonderful date last night - we had delicious Mexican food followed up by watching the Rangers game at a local sports bar while having a couple of Coronas.  While we were sitting there watching the end of the game, a gorgeous young server walked by our table and she and I both did a double take.  She stopped and asked if we were middle school coaches at the local school.  She was always a quiet girl, but a phenomenal volleyball player and even better student.  She was one of those girls who flew under the radar in middle school but I knew that once she got to high school she would blossom into something remarkable.  And that "remarkable" turns out to be attending the University of Edinburg in the fall to study International Relations and Arabic.  I was stunned, impressed........and jealous.  What an amazing opportunity for this young woman.  At eighteen I NEVER would have had the guts, the determination or the confidence to attend or even apply to a school and an experience like that.  

As we were driving home last night, listening to U2 on my iPod, I was filled with the memories off being 10 weeks pregnant and sitting at the comeback concert of U2 at the Olympic stadium in Torino, Italy.  And years before that of cavorting through Amsterdam, Germany and London with a good friend of mine from high school.  And even before that, one night of delicious drinking and dancing with my parents at a fabulous restaurant outside of Florence, Italy.  

I have lived.  I did go do things that required guts, determination and confidence.  I have seen the world and yet.......I still wanted to return here.  Out of all the places that I've seen and been, home is here in north Texas.  It's not glamorous or filled to the brim with culture and history, but it's home.  I can drive through the Metroplex and see myself from a small child to the adult that I am today.

As we were pulling into the garage and getting out of the car, I stopped Craig and told him how I was a teensy bit jealous of this young woman's opportunity to study abroad and have that delicious taste of freedom and independence.  How I had that little ache in my tummy that reminded me that I too was smart and strong enough to have done something like that at her age.  How there was a little voice inside my head that told me I should have and could have done something much greater with my life - something other than attending college a mere 45 minutes from my parents and then becoming a teacher married to another teacher living deep in the heart of suburbia.  

Then something occurred to me.  Perhaps I could have done "more" with my life, whatever that "more" might mean.  But then I wouldn't have been given the opportunity to be a part of these kids' lives.  I wouldn't have been able to use my gift of inspiration, encouragement, dedication and perseverance to teach them vital life lessons through coaching and in the classroom.  Perhaps my role on this Earth isn't to go and do these "GREAT" things out in the world, but instead to stay here in my little town, in my little house and empower young men and women so that one day THEY can go on and do and be those amazing things.

I'll never get the chance to be eighteen and living abroad for college but I take great pride in the possibility that in some small way, I was able to help create a strong, independent, confident and intelligent young woman that is taking advantage of this opportunity.

Allow myself to introduce....myself.

I posted on Kelly's Korner "finding friends in your area" link-up this morning and I've realized that the first post people new to my blog are going to see is my crazy ramblings about Mommy Guilt.

Talk about starting off on the wrong foot.

So instead of being Debby Downer over here, I'll give you ladies something more enjoyable to read about instead of my struggle with anxiety.  

Here we go...

Hi!  I'm Laura.

I......always tend to have trouble these kinds of introduction things.

Where to start?

I'm tall and I guess what you would call athletic.  I grew up super involved in sports and all sorts of after school activities.  I've been coaching middle school volleyball, cross country and track for the past six years.  Believe it or not - I absolutely adore my middle school kiddos and I love the opportunities that I have to mentor twelve and thirteen year old girls during a tough time in their lives.

I've been married to my best friend Craig for two years, but we worked together and were friends for several years before ever dating.  In March of 2011 he and I became parents to our daughter Natalie who looks just like him but has my long and lean body.  She is tall, strong, smart and full of energy.  We are also the proud puppy dog parents to Angie and Ajax who are a dachshund-Jack Russell mix and purebred dachshund, respectively.  My husband is a middle school girls basketball coach and between the two of us, our school year is pretty jam packed full of athletic events and as a result Natalie loves being around teenagers, has already mastered the art of heckling refs and has been known to fall asleep in the middle of buzzers, balls bouncing and whistles blowing.

I'm a little a lot organized and achievement oriented which is my blessing and my curse.  I struggled mightily after giving birth to Natalie and have been actively working through PPD since she was born.  Most days are pretty good and I'm so blessed to have a great support system of friends and family for those days that aren't so fantastic.

Now that you have the basics, here are a few random facts:

Even though I coach and play volleyball, I am a total nerd when it comes to books and I have been known to attend a few a lot of midnight previews/release parties of all things Harry Potter.

I am in the process of breaking my reality television (BRAVO) habit but each season, the promise of more hilarious hijinks from the Housewives keeps me coming back.

Knock on wood - I have never, ever been in a car wreck as either a passenger or a driver.

During the first trimester of my pregnancy, I ate Arby's for lunch.  Every.  Single.  Day.  And despite my fears, Natalie was NOT born with a curly fry for a tail or anything else that popped up during my crazy pregnancy dreams.

I've been to Europe three times: once all around Italy with my parents, the second time to Amsterdam, Munich, Berlin and London with a high school friend and finally to Paris, Torino (for a U2 concert!) and Rome with Craig.

My dream concert would consist of Kings of Leon, U2 and the Beatles.  

If I had to choose food for a "last meal" I would have my mother make a full Thanksgiving dinner.  Cornbread dressing, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, pineapple au gratin, macaroni and cheese, ham and broccoli cheese casserole.  Mmmmmm...............

But having said that........I don't like my food to touch.

I guess that's a basic synopsis of who I am and what's going on in my life.  Hopefully this is a much better introduction to new people cruising over from Kelly's Korner instead of the hot mess of a post that I did last.

I Want You To Know....

Maybe it's the teenager in me but I really enjoy these types of questionnaires.  Or maybe I'm a narcissist and just enjoy talking about myself.  Hmm....either way, here you go.  I stole them from Robin at Farewell Stranger.

1. What is your motto in life?

I don't know if I really have one.  That might be something I have to work on.....

2. Are you a morning or night person?

I am most definitely a morning person - I like to get up, let the pups out and then grab a cup of coffee and settle into surfing the internet before the rest of my family wakes up.

3. Favorite childhood story?

I read a lot of Baby Sitters Club books as well as Sweet Valley High.  I know.  Real high brow literature.

4. What is the farthest road trip you have ever taken?

The summer before I turned 16 my parents and I drove from our house down to Abbeville, Louisiana and then onto New Orleans and then eventually ending up in Destin, Florida.  On the way back we stopped in Jackson, Mississippi and Vicksburg, Louisiana.

5. What collection do you have right now?

I always have a collection of sneakers and t-shirts that I occassionally have to clean out.  But as far as sentimental stuff?  I'm really not a big collector of anything because "collection" to me means "clutter" and "disorganization" and as we all know.......those are two things I simply cannot handle.

6. Coke or Pepsi?

Neither.  No dark sodas for me.  I stick with Sprite.

7. What is your favorite table or board game?

LIFE!  I love this game.  When I would play as a kid I, for some strange reason, would always want to pack my little car FULL of children.  And I remember getting in a fight with a friend about whether the girl could drive the car and her husband sit in the passenger seat.  Seriously.

8. Do you have any piercings/tattoos?

I have my ears pierced just once and I have "passione" which is passionate in Italian tattooed on my left hip. I'm thinking about getting "strength" in Italian tattooed on my right hip so that wherever I go, I have my passion and strength beside me at all times to get through whatever life throws at me.

9. Favorite smell?

Chanel Chance.  I used to wear it all the time when I would "go out" on the weekends but now I just save it for special occasions so that when I do wear it, I feel really feminine and fancy.

10. How do you feel most loved?

Craig is the most fantastic gift giver.  He remembers every single thing that I ever mention that I might like.  I love pretty serving dishes in my kitchen and I found a gorgeous footed turquoise one at Home Goods right before Christmas while we were shopping for his family.  I really fell in love with it but didn't buy it at the time because, you know......it was a week before Christmas and we had other things that we had to spend our money on at that point in time.  Imagine my surprise when I opened a present from his sister on Christmas and she had gotten me that very same bowl that I had seen in the store.  I know that a bowl for my kitchen is a very materialistic way of feeling loved, but I think it's the emotion and intention behind the gift that is important.  Craig, more than anything in this world, lives to make the important women in his life happy and he knew that a pretty bowl to sit on my counter top would put a smile on my face.

11. When was the last time you did something for the first time?

I don't like trying new things.  It goes along with that whole "I don't like failure" thing.  If I have the slightest inkling that I might not be good at something, there's a good chance that I won't be doing it.  But, I'm trying to break out of that mold so I registered for the Warrior Dash at the end of April which is a 5K full of adult obstacle courses.  I'll be swimming through mud and jumping over fire and hopefully earning myself a beer, a turkey leg and a viking helmet.

And here are the questions that Robin thought up and posed to her followers........

1. What's your superpower?

I am pretty intuitive when it comes to people.  I have the ability to read a person and usually (oh gosh, this sounds terrible) the first impression or gut feeling I have about a person is usually pretty spot on and true.  I remember even back to junior high when my two closest friends forged a friendship with a new girl named Lauren.  They were pretty pumped about her but I never trusted her nor did I think she was really someone that we needed to be hanging around.  My other two friends told me I was being too judgmental and harsh and that I should try to get to know her.  I declined.  And sure enough, six months later they were sick of her lies, her pettiness and the fact that she stole things from them.  My intuition about her was right all along and I believe at some point, the words "I told you so" did escape from my lips.

2. What blog do you never miss?

I don't "follow" that many blogs so there really isn't that many that I have to keep up with and therefore I'm able to read all the posts that my bloggy friends make.  One "blog" or website that I check on a daily basis is STFU Parents just because it is absolutely hilarious and helps me to keep my Facebook status updates free and clear of constant Natalie updates.

3. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?

I would probably just change my last name back to my maiden name.  I'm pretty fond of my first name, but sometimes I miss my old last name.  I built a persona with that name and it was a very strange experience to change it - I didn't really feel any connection to my married name and I almost felt like a little piece of my identity

4. Do you consider yourself a "blogger" or a "writer"?

I don't really consider myself either to be real honest.  I don't think of this really as a "blog" but more a public journal and online social circle.  I mean, from a teacher's perspective I suppose I am a "writer" because technically, I am putting words together in sentences and these sentences form paragraphs and my paragraphs become a piece of short literature.  But I certainly wouldn't consider myself a GOOD writer.

5. What was your biggest failure and what did you learn from it?

I wouldn't say I've had any BIG failures in my life but there certainly have had several small ones - a volleyball loss here or a bad boyfriend there.  I don't know if I would call them "failures" but I have made some pretty poor decisions (see bad boyfriend above) and I learned a lot from those..........but I really don't have the time nor the energy to go into those lessons because it would take the rest of the afternoon.

6. What's the most embarrassing song in your collection?

I have every single 'Nsync, Backstreet Boys and Britney Spears songs ever made.  And you know what?  I'm not even embarrassed about it.

7. Are you shy?

Surprisingly, yes.  I like the familiar and when I'm placed in a new situation with people I don't know, I get very quiet and reserved because I like to survey the scene before jumping in.  This way, I can gauge how I need to act and which sides of my personality I need to show.  Ooh.  When I put it that way it sounds like I'm fake and not "keeping it real" with people, but I just like to know whether or not I can be sarcastic or if I need to be more straightforward, etc.

8. How do you prioritize yourself in your own life?

I play in a volleyball league every Wednesday night at 7:30 for one hour and starting next week I will be participating in a women's Bible study every Tuesday night.  Craig understands that I need time to recharge and re-energize myself and he has no problem taking care of Natalie.

9. Where do you stand on chocolate?

I'm not the biggest chocolate fan - I'd much rather eat chips or anything else salty.  The one piece of chocolate that I can't resist is Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.  My goodness.  Those things are a little piece of heaven on this Earth.

10. What's your biggest source of inspiration (other than your family, etc.)?

Hmm.  I would probably say my athletes.  They inspired me to get up in the mornings and get to school at 7:15 for practice because they showed so much enthusiasm for the sport and for each other.  Watching them grow as players and young women inspires me to be the best role model possible for them.

11. What do you hope to do this year that you're really excited about?

I don't know if it's PURE excitement because there's definitely some fear and trepidation mixed in there but I am forging ahead with my Warrior Dash event at the end of April.  It should be interesting and if nothing else, I'll get some good pictures.

Mini Me

The first time people see my child their initial response is something regarding how much she looks just like her daddy. And they're right......she most definitely has his eyes. But the rest of her? That's all momma.

Case in point:


Here I am just home from work. Yep. I wear a t-shirt, shorts and tennis shoes everyday and more than that, today in my area it was warm enough on this last day of January to wear shorts. Outside. Because it's above 70 degrees. Anyways. Focus on my build. Although I'm a big bigger than I would like right now, I'm naturally long, lean and athletic. I hit 6'0 by the time I was 16 and I wear a size 11 Nikes. I never could wear shorts to school growing up due to my super long legs.


Now here is Natalie at almost 11 months in her outfit for the day. She is over 30 inches long but only 21 pounds. Those shorts are 18 months and won't make it to summer because she will outgrow them. And the shoes she wore with this outfit? Size 5.

Like mother, like daughter.


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Confidence vs. Cockiness

Yesterday will go down in the record books as a pretty crappy day overall. 

I was in a funk.  But like my friend Amy said......I needed to break out of my funk and just be funky. 

Words of wisdom.

Last night was the first week of my Wednesday night four-on-four volleyball league.  It's pretty casual - we keep score but don't keep records.  It's mostly women my age (28) and older and many of them are moms of school-age children.  The play is pretty competitive BUT at the same time there is lots of compassion and grace provided when you're having an "off" night.  It's been my haven after Natalie's birth - the place where I can go on Wednesday nights and feel like myself.  Nothing helps me work out a rough day like hitting and serving a volleyball.

Last night was no different.

But this post is not about how much I love the game nor is it about the resolutions to yesterday's problems.  It's about perception.  More importantly - how am I perceived by others.

My friend and co-worker Shemika and I have had this conversation tons of times - to people who do not know me, I can come across as stuck-up, snobby and conceited.  Yes.  She told me that.  To my face.  But luckily she followed it up with - but it's because they don't know you.  Apparently because I am tall (6'0 flat footed), carry myself with confidence, and am at first a bit shy and reserved when meeting new people.....this is perceived as a snooty, stuck-up person.  I am self aware enough to see how this might be true.

But yet....when it comes to certain things, I AM confident.  I know that I'm a great volleyball player - I've got a fantastic build for the sport, I can hit and serve hard, I play smart and I am great at encouraging others on the court.  But if you ask me to dance, sing, act in front of a crowd of people?  NO.  WAY.  JOSE.  That's just not the gift God granted me. 

Last night I put all my frustration into playing and I had a great game.  There was one play where the ball was falling right on the net and I went up against another tall player on the other team and "jousted" for control of the ball.  I got to the ball first and tipped it to the side of the other player....and actually it was going out of bounds (not the smartest tipping spot on my part, but I was trying not to tip it directly into the defense).  There was a smaller build player standing right there and since the ball was coming directly at her she passed it up.  When the play ended, the ball landed on the other team's side and my team got the point.  The short player looked at me and said jokingly (but in that kidding-but-not-really-kidding way) "why do you always hit the ball right at me?"  How do I answer that?  I just said "the ball was going out of bounds, you didn't have to play it."  Later after a good hit (that went right at this player) she said it again "geez!  I think you're aiming directly at me!  What did I ever do to you?!"  Again in that kidding-but-not-really kind of way.  This is par for course with this girl and quite frankly.....it gets annoying so I answered her with "I just hit the ball - if it comes at you just pass it up instead of ducking." 

I know.  Not the gentlest or most compassionate thing to say.

But I get tired of the Napoleon complex this person seems to have.  I don't walk onto the court thinking I'm better than other people.  I play every Wednesday so I can have one hour of ME time away from the hubs, the baby and the pup.  I don't play so that I can prove to everyone that I'm a badass.....although sometimes that's just a byproduct of my athleticism.  ;)

So I guess her perception is that I'm cocky.  That I'm the player to beat.  That if she can pass my hits and my serves, it means she's a good player too.  And even if the truth is that I'm a good player, her perception of my cockiness is not the reality in my heart.  I am confident in my own skills but I also know that on any given week there will be someone who is better than me.....and that's okay because that makes me work harder.

I don't know how to change other people's perception of me because where do you draw the line?  I am proud of my athletic ability becasue it's obviously a gift that God granted me and I enjoy putting it to use.  And when you combine confidence with my reserved personality around people I don't know that well.....I guess the perception is cockiness and snobbery.

I suppose the bottom line is this: haters gonna hate. 

But seriously.  She can have her perception of me and believe that I think I'm better than everyone else - maybe that's just her own self-image issues manifesting itself.  I don't know.  I can't control what other people think of me.  All I can do is keep showing up to play a game that I love and encouraging my teammates along the way.

Who am I?

I've never met this woman but I read her blog everyday.  In a lot of ways, she and I are very different but there is something about the way that she writes that I connect with and today was no different.  Today over on Blue Eyed Bride, Erin wrote about "The Evolution of a Mom."

Read it and come back.

Okay, you back with me now?!

Erin expressed so many things that I think every mother struggles with...especially for those of us who become mothers a little bit later in life.  Yes.  I know that 28 isn't exactly LATE in life, but I definitely had a career and entire lifestyle established long before I brought a little person into this world. 

I think the whole concept of "who am I now" was the root of all my struggles with PPD after Natalie was born...and although I'm in a much better place now that I've gone back to work full time, I still have my identity crisis moments.

Before Natalie (and really, before I was ever pregnant) I was able to focus my time, energy and entire being to coaching volleyball and although I've written this before I will reiterate it - when Craig brought Natalie up to the volleyball game the other night, my heart was ripped in two.  Half of it was on the court and in the game with the girls but the other half jumped clear across the gym and into the stands, wanting nothing more than to forget the game and go home to cuddle and play with my baby girl.

The last six months have really challenged my sense of purpose in this world and forced me to redefine how I value myself and my success.  It's no secret that I like check things off and get high from finishing up a lengthy "to do" list.  Graduated high school with honors....check.  Graduated college with honors....check.  Career straight out of college....check.  Bought first car and rented apartment on my own....check.  And although I can check "get married and start a family" off my list because I have physically done both of those things, there really aren't any clear parameters by which to measure how well I do both of those things. 

And yes, I am aware that I am totally rambling and probably not coherent in any manner but please bear with me as there will most likely be some sort of majorly thoughtful conclusion at some point in time.  But in the meantime - welcome to the slightly chaotic and sometimes out of control mind of a PPD woman.  :)

I guess what my major point is - I used to be able to so clearly see my success and feel good about the work that I was doing in my life but with being a wife and a mother, it's a little bit hazier to really define "success." 

And back to Erin's original point about evolving into motherhood - I have struggled with the feeling of being "selfish" if I tried to maintain any part of my former self instead of devoting my entire everything to being Natalie's mother.  But I think of my own mother who, although I always knew that she loved me, I also knew that she wasn't just MY MOTHER but also a daughter, a wife, a friend, a sister, a youth minister and most importantly.....she was a woman with her own fears, desires, dreams, etc.  She has set the example for me that I can be not only Natalie's mother, but a teacher and coach, a wife....and just Laura - a woman who loves to play volleyball, read books, and sometimes sings really loudly in the car by herself.

Over the summer I went to a 30th birthday celebration for my friend Shevawn and people were good naturedly joking with her about any "fears" regarding her leaving her twenties forever.  I loved the response that Shevawn gave which was something along the lines of how she was looking forward to turning 30 because in her twenties she felt a lot of conflict about who she was (college student, wife, teacher, mother, etc.) but with the start of this new decade in her life, she felt more confident about who she is and her place in this world.  I love that concept.  I want to be in that place emotionally.  I've been there before....a long time ago before Natalie was ever introduced into our lives and I know that I'll get there again.

Guilt

Obviously motherhood has changed me in so many ways - my priorities have shifted and I have learned to stand up for what I believe is best for my family.  But I didn't expect the massive amount of guilt and sometimes even shame that I would feel as a new mother.  It's no secret that I'm a perfectionist and an over-achiever....and pretty competitive as well.  I think that these characteristics, which serve me so well in many aspects of my life, have also held me back from being the best mother to Natalie that I can be.  There is so much conflicting information out there as to how to raise your children and since it is such a personal and important topic, many people are incredibly passionate about their point of view....and also sometimes quick to point out other people's parenting flaws as well.  I think the concept of "mommy wars" and the "this versus that" conversations we get into can all be boiled down to a few key ingredients: we sometimes have no idea what we're doing as mothers and if we're doing something "wrong" with our children, is that a poor reflection on our love or devotion to them?

A few days ago on one of my favorite blogs Blue Eyed Bride, Erin wrote about the mommy guilt that she was releasing.  It seemed to be pretty cathartic for her, so I'm going to try my own list.

1. BEING INDUCED A WEEK EARLY.  During the induction, Natalie's heart rate dropped dramatically in response to the Pitocin and she was delivered via emergency c-section.  I struggled with the idea of having a cesarean for a long time - I felt that I had caused Natalie's heart rate drop and subsequent delivery because I was selfish and chose not to wait for nature to take it's course, but instead to play God and decide when my baby was being born based on what was best for my life.  Not that it's anyone's business but....I was not a good pregnant woman, especially in the last few weeks.  I was miserable being on my feet all day, hardly able to walk because of the pelvic and back pain AND I was supposed to work an Open House at my school one night followed by a track meet the very next night.  At 39 weeks pregnant.  No thank you.  Craig and I made the best decision for our family and our baby and that is all that matters.

2. QUITTING BREASTFEEDING AFTER FOUR MONTHS.  It didn't take long to get in the rythm of breastfeeding with Natalie - she was always (and still is) an enthusiastic eater and was always generally predictable as to when she would be hungry.  I did really well during my maternity leave but struggled with pumping during the school day when I went back for the last three weeks.  I'm not sure what happened during the summer but for whatever reason, come July I was having mini anxiety attacks whenever I would try to feed her.  She would squirm and pull and it was very difficult for me to maintain my composure while trying to get her settled down to eat properly....all the while I was worried that I wasn't producing enough milk and that's why she was so frustrated.  I'm sure that somewhere along the way I could have made different choices as far as the feeding goes, but at the end of the day my baby needs to be fed and I need to be emotionally stable and if formula in a bottle is how that needs to happen, then so be it.

3. GETTING A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.  Natalie was a great little sleeper from about six weeks old until the second week into our summer vacation.  Then she started waking up at least one....many times it was more....time a night.  It was awful.  I was stressed and angry and frustrated when I would be up with her desperately trying to rock her back to sleep just like the books said, without giving her any food because according to some, that could start up her midnight feedings again which is obviously something I wanted to avoid.  Finally Craig took the bull by the horns and sent me back to bed and gave Natalie a bottle after which she promptly fell back asleep.  I felt terrible - I wasn't feeding my baby enough so that she could sleep through the night.  Obviously this wasn't the case....I just had to learn that there isn't one book on this planet that can explicitly tell ME what is right or wrong to do with MY baby.  Craig had to take on the nighttime care because I just couldn't do it.  I was a better mother to her during the day if I was able to get a mostly good night sleep.  I felt terribly guilty about him being up with a lot during the night - like because I was the mother, I should automatically be the one taking complete care of her but I realized that he kind of likes being able to rock with her and snuggle.  And more importantly, if I'm not mistaken, he was there when she was created and therefore he shares 50% of the responsibility of taking care of her.

I know that some of my statements might seem like they are directed towards a certain person or entity but in all honesty my feelings of guilt have nothing to do with any other person but instead more with pressure that I put on myself based on society and what is presented in literature and online.  I am freeing my own self from all the guilt that I carry around about the things listed above and I'm sure that there are many other things that I need to resolve.  My mantra lately has been: I am doing the best I can with what I have.  And at the end of the day, Natalie knows that I love her and she is an extremely happy baby who is curious and giggly and enjoys being in the company of a variety of people....and one special puppy dog.