I'm Gonna Be A Supermodel

Awhile back at a book club meeting, one of the ladies asked if any of the women would be interested in helping her grow her portfolio of beauty shots for her burgeoning photography business.  She explained that it would be free hair and make-up with a photo session and all the photos would go on her website as well as part of the portfolio of the hair and make-up girls. 

I'm no dummy so of course I jumped at the chance.

On a Sunday afternoon in April I left Natalie with one of my 8th grade athletes and headed out of the house with zero make-up on and my hair frizzy from being blow-dried but with no product.

It took the girls about two hours to get my face and hair all done but here are the results...all photography was done by Tammy Novak of Tammy Novak Photography.

Sweet mother of pearl...I have a lot of hair.  I sat in the chair for TWO HOURS while they created all those illustrious curls.

I personally like this one because it shows what buckets of personality I have.

This one might be Craig's favorite.

Sorry for the crappy quality of picture - something happened during the transfer from website to iPad to Blogger.

I'm going to tell you a secret.  This was not the first time I've had hair and make-up done for a photo session.  Before Craig and I got married and back when I had a bangin' pre-baby body, I did a "boudoir" style album as a wedding present for my to-be hubby.  It was nothing terribly scandalous - all pictures I could (and did) show to my mother.  A few pictures of me in his Dallas Stars jersey, some bridal photos, a sporty tank top with a basketball - just cute fun stuff.

Obviously I did those photos for Craig to enjoy, but secretly for myself as well - so that someday (which apparently is NOW) I could look back and remember how smokin' hot I used to be.

Ha.  Just kidding.

Kind of.

But seriously, sometimes since having Natalie...I don't feel so hot.  I'm bigger than I used to be, I don't have as much time for pretty hair and make-up and since I have just been teaching PE for the past four years, my fabulous closet full of clothes has shrunk to just a few key items to wear on game days.

And then I get mad at myself for not appreciating the fact that in the grand scheme of body types on this planet - I got pretty lucky to be able to gain a few pounds and not have it show.

But back to these specific photos.

As I glanced through the beautiful photos that Tammy took I realized that I wasn't looking at a girl smiling pretty for the camera, but instead at a woman who has lived, who has life experiences, who understands so much about this world...but at the same time hasn't been completely jaded by it.

The pictures reminded me that I still AM that beautiful girl that I felt was lost beneath piles of laundry, mortgage payments, bedtime stories and volleyball practices.   

Just One Little Question...

Most recently my daughter has become a pro at the "clear off the bookshelves and bring everything to Momma or Daddy" game and we play this nearly every evening.  Today was no different except the book that she brought me was something she had proudly held out for me to grab - it was a reflective book titled "Love Letters To My Baby" given to me by my dear friend Emily.  Throughout the book there are lots of questions and sentence starters that are to elicit thoughtful and insightful responses from the mother regarding her pregnancy and life shortly after the baby has been born.  Although I worked my way through most of the book as I flipped through the pages today, I noticed a question had been left blank.

In regards to the day that Natalie was born:

"Of all the emotions of the day, I mostly felt..."

There was no written response.

No glowing report of how I was instantly infatuated with the beauty of my child.  Nothing mentioning how I felt an immediate bond with my daughter.  There were no positive remarks about how my life was now complete after giving birth to such a perfect baby.

If I was to write down the first words that pop into my brain after reading that question....

Scared

Terrified

Numb

Anxious

Stressed

Detached

Disappointed

How can I write that down for her to someday read?  I have a hard enough time adequately conveying the dangerous and terrifying amount of turmoil that I went through after her birth.  How do I explain such a mysterious and confusing disease like Postpartum Depression?  Do I tell her that I didn't initially have that rush of love and affection?  How I didn't even feel like she was really my daughter? 

I have been doing really well lately - keeping body and soul to mind while still being present and active in my husband and daughter's lives.  But now I sit here with tears in my eyes because of an innocent question in a lovely book.

Because someday she will ask.  She will want to know the story of her birth and the impact she had on our lives.  Someday she will fall in love and have a baby and she will ask about my pregnancies and my deliveries.

And what will I say?  How will I explain my reaction to my daughter without making her feel like the cause of my turmoil?

I am most likely getting ahead of myself.  After all, the girl isn't even out of diapers yet.  

But the fact remains - no matter how much time goes by or how our relationship might evolve over time, my Postpartum Depression will remain a part of her birth story.  Like that one gray cloud that mars an otherwise crystal clear blue sky.  

I know that right now, at only fourteen months postpartum, I am still intimately close to the battle.  The past year and a half has been grueling and intense.  At times it all seemed hopeless because that light at the end of the tunnel was half a galaxy away.  

But as time ticks by, just as with the scars from my appendectomy on my belly or the one that decorates my elbow from the time I fell off the curb in college, the battle scar on my heart from the year after Natalie's birth will fade.  It won't be as noticeable nor will it flare up and ache as often.  It will become just another "war story" in just another chapter of my life.

Time will heal all my wounds, the ones that are visible and the ones that hide in my heart. 

And someday when Natalie is grown and a beautiful young woman with the prospect of children in her immediate future, I will tell her my story.  I will share with her my fears and my challenges.  About how I was so overcome with love for her that I wanted the absolute BEST for her....and then subsequently wound myself up into a pretzel trying to be the perfect mother.  I will weave in the lessons I learned about the true meaning of partnership, independence and humility.

After talking with Craig, maybe I'm making too big a deal out of that one tiny little question.  Maybe Natalie won't care all that much or take anything personal from my experiences.  Maybe she'll be completely different from me and wear an armor made of Teflon whereas I am coated in glue.  

Reception and Anniversary

Natalie has been in major teething mode since Saturday and in response to her gums hurting she has boycotted naps this week - because THAT'S going to make her feel better.  Ugh.  Needless to say, we were very excited to drop her off at my mother-in-laws house yesterday afternoon so we could properly celebrate our anniversary.  On the suggestion of one of my foodie co-workers we headed out to Southlake Town Center and ate a delicious steak and seafood dinner at Truluck's.  Not only was the restaurant lovely and the food amazing but the service was phenomenal.  We had a delightful server who was perky and upbeat without being annoying and she brought us a sweet treat at the end of our meal as a surprise celebrating our anniversary.  The manager stopped by our table for a few minutes and chatted with us about our anniversary, our little girl and other stuff like that.  He also surprised us by bringing us two big take home boxes of chocolate and carrot cake!  We are set with sweets for the week!  Of course, we were absolutely stuffed by the end of dinner and we were ready to go home and get in bed by 9:00.  Isn't that sad?!  And what's sadder is that I was up and awake by 7:30 this morning.  But really, I love this time in the morning - just relaxing in bed with my pups and my coffee, catching up on blogging and Jon Stewart.  

Okay.......onto the rest of my walk down memory lane.  I must admit - looking through these pictures......it feels like it's been TEN years since this wedding instead of two.

I love the mixture of the fresh springtime grass mixed with the bare trees leftover from winter.  This was taken out on the golf course after the ceremony.

Our toasting glasses.  Ha!  I had champagne while Craig had rum and coke.

Love this picture - it's hanging on our picture wall in black and white.

Gorgeous shot.

All my bridesmaids brought their own Converse to match the boys at the reception - much more comfortable I suppose.

Funny story - there was a bulldog convention going on at the same time as our wedding.  Seriously.  But the dogs were beautiful and so incredibly well behaved and Craig and I are dog people so we really didn't mind.  As a "thank you" for sharing our day with the bull dogs they gave us these bride and groom dogs.  They might just be one of my favorite tokens from our wedding.

The cake in all it's glory.

Our entire coaching staff was involved in our wedding - Craig and I got married while Beri and Doug were in our wedding party; Beri's husband was even the one who married us.  In true coaching fashion, they high fived as they were announced coming into the reception.

Aww....my little people.  The whole bridal party high fived them too as they ran across the dance floor.

Craig is a Texas Longhorn fan.  My family is all Aggies.  Craig wanted his grooms cake to be the Royal Memorial football stadium but I just couldn't allow that to happen without some sort of intervention.  I asked my friend Kyle who was a reader at our wedding and who, at the time, lived in College Station and was working on his master's degree at A&M to bring some sort of Aggie football figurine to place on the cake.  Kyle came through and did a great job sabotaging Craig's Longhorn cake.

The cakes were made by a longtime family friend and I was a little nervous about how the football stadium would turn out - but they did a great job!  All the people are tiny sprinkles!  How fun!

Another shot of my cake.  It's all buttercream frosting because I hate fondant.

Longhorn and Aggie.

And by the way, my thumb is weirdly flexible, right?!

Our first dance - one of my favorite pictures.

Check out the look on his face - it's almost like he really loves me!

I love his curly hair.  I always get upset when he gets a haircut.  And I love those curls even more now that I see them sprouting out of Natalie's head.

Oh my mother - she was so exhausted but in the best way possible.  I think she was so happy to have all her friends and loved ones at the wedding but also so happy that it was almost over.  

The end of my dance with my daddy.

My parents have been married for 40+ years and they are still so in love with each other.

My mother reads my blog (hi Mom!) and she's going to kill me for posting this picture but I can't help it!  I love it because it's her dancing with her brother, my Uncle Lawrence.  They were moving and grooving together and it was so cute.

Getting down with some of my bridesmaids and work buddies.

My maid of honor Amy and I have been friends since we were in sixth grade.  She was telling the story about how we used to spoon during sleepovers.  Yes.  She told the entire reception.  In our own defense - we are more like sisters than just friends.

Ron giving the best man speech - he was so nervous and repeated himself so many times but it was a very sweet speech.  

It was getting close to the end of the night..........

Our favors!  I loved, loved, LOVED these volleyball and basketball cookies!

Craig dancing with some of our work friends - we are a crazy group of teachers, but they always made everyday at work VERY fun.

  

"Leaving" the hotel at the end of the reception.  I say "leaving" because we got into a golf cart and drove around the property of the hotel for a few minutes and then came right back and hung out with our friends some more in the hotel bar.

The cart took off a little quicker than I expected.

Done.  Ready to go upstairs and to bed.

So that's that.  Our wedding.  We were chatting about it last night at dinner and how Craig would now just go to the Justice of the Peace and get it over and done with instead of having the big shindig.  I agreed to a certain degree, but at the same time it certainly is nice to have these pictures to look back on and something for Natalie to look through when she is older.  I loved looking through my mother and father's wedding album when I was younger because it was so strange to imagine my parents.........without kids.  

Well, now it's a little after 9:00 and after Craig gets out of the shower we are headed out for breakfast at another restaurant suggested by my coworkers (I work with two guy coaches that have voracious appetites) that serves supposedly the "best cinnamon rolls ever."  Actual statement.  

Wedding and Anniversary

Today is our anniversary - we got married on a gorgeous Saturday in March at the beginning of Spring Break.  Exactly one week later, while we were in Antigua on our honeymoon - it snowed in north Texas.  Go figure.  I could get really mushy about how much I love Craig but I think I've done that recently - so I'm just going to show you some of my favorite pictures from the wedding.

My wedding dress, a bridesmaid dress, the flower girl's dress and my turquoise wedding shoes.

My maid of honor Amy and her little girl Emma who was my flower girl.

Craig gave me my Tiffany's charm bracelet engraved with the date of our wedding and his mother gave me the puzzle piece symbolizing that I was the missing piece in Craig's life.

The site of our wedding.  I wasn't real particular on where we got married but as soon as Craig saw the trees, the grass and the golf course he was sold.

I love my mother's face in this picture.  I don't know if she's just really happy about her corsage or the fact that I was finally getting married.  Regardless, I love her joyfulness.

As part of our photography package we received a credit towards a canvas picture of our choosing.  I left the choice up to Craig and told him he could choose any bridal portrait that he wanted.  This is the picture that he chose and it is hanging in our entryway.

Craig's good friend and coaching buddy Doug putting the final touches on Craig's outfit.  Notice the Converse tennis shoes.

My two brothers who also served as ushers.  I love how they are walking exactly in step with one another.

My friend Beri's husband is an ordained minister and he offered to officiate our wedding.  He was also super psyched when we told him he could also wear Converse - he got a new black pair just for the wedding.

Craig waiting for me to walk down the aisle.

My mother being escorted by my two brothers Mike (left) and Stephen (right).

Alexander and Ford were my ring bearers and they did an excellent job of walking down the aisle except for when they forgot exactly where they were supposed to go - this is Andrew directing them to go sit with my brother and sister-in-law.

All the boys' shoes.

Oh man.  This was a tough moment.  I was seriously freaked out at all the people staring at me.

Standing at the altar - it might look as if I'm lovingly clutching Craig's hands but in reality, I'm holding on for dear life.  I hate being the center of attention like that.

I don't know if you can really see it in this picture but there were tons of guests from the hotel staring out the window at our wedding.

Again.  The clutching.  The "don't let go of me because I might faint."

I really like this picture because I actually did my own make-up for the wedding and I like the fact that it turned out alright.  Also because...........you know...........I look really in love with my husband as well.

Mwah!  The big kiss.  This was also a strange moment because there were a lot of our coworkers at our wedding who had prior to this kiss NEVER seen any sort of physical interaction between the two of us.  First of all, we're not that into PDA but we also kept it VERY professional when at work or even when hanging out in public because we didn't want the whole school to know that we were dating.

Hurray!  It's over!  Time to go get a much needed glass of champagne!

I have this picture framed in our bedroom - it might be my most favorite photo from the whole day.

Ron, Craig and Ricky (who is hiding) all embracing and congratulating.  Ron and Ricky run basketball tournaments and (Ron especially) have been there for Craig through lots of traumatic life altering events.  Ron was (and still is) truly happy for all the joy and good things that have happened in Craig's life.

Hugging my brother Mike who had flown all the way down from Maine for the wedding.  My wedding was monumental for him because I think it made him realize how much he missed living close to our family.

Oh.......the children.  It was nearing the end of a long day for these three and they were all ready for some food and cake.

We couldn't really get a serious picture out of them and you know what?  

I think I like it that way - I can definitely see all their sweet and sassy personalities.

So that's part one.........I'll post the reception and formal couple photos later.  But for now, I think I might hop into the shower so I can get ready for our big date tonight!