On the Eve of Thirty

So here I am on the edge of thirty...less than twelve hours away, actually.

I'm sitting in bed with a beautiful little girl who is curled up with her favorite stuffed animals under a blanket watching The Jungle Book.  My husband of three years is sitting on the computer downstairs, presumably working on something related to the sale of baseball cards on eBay.  I live in a spacious three bedroom, two and one half bath home that has an awesome playroom for my girl upstairs.  In the upcoming month I will enter my ninth year of teaching in the same district who hired me straight out of college.  Although not large, I have a wonderful group of friends with whom I share a unique bond with each and every one.

Ten years ago...

I was a single Pi Phi girl living in an apartment near the University of North Texas with my very good friend, Elaine.  There were lots of men in town, but none that were really worth keeping around for longer than a few months.  Elaine an I lived in a modestly furnished two bedroom, two bathroom apartment that was close enough to campus so that we could both walk to our classes.  I was about to start my junior year of college and was entering the true "education" portion of my college degree while also working as an after-school day care worker.  I knew the life I eventually wanted to live but I had absolutely no idea as to how I would get there.

But yet, ten years later...here I am.  With everything I ever envisioned I wanted...sitting in the palm of my hand.  It was my degree in education at North Texas that led me to student teaching in my current district which ended up in my hired position at my old school.  That's where I met Craig which turned into a marriage and a transfer to my current job as well as the beautiful girl that I have the pleasure to call my own.

Looking back it's amazing to me the amazing adventures (and misadventures) that took place in a mere ten years.

As I sit here tonight, I am far more emotional about my 30th birthday than I ever imagined I would be.  I'm not sad and I'm not depressed but instead I'm overwhelmed at the many different facets of love I have in my life.

There is the unconditional love I feel from my parents - a love I truly didn't understand until I gave birth to Natalie.

There is the day-to-day love I share with Craig as well as the I'm-with-you-until-your-dying-day passion that I have for him.

I have my close group of friends, with each of whom I share the most unique and intimate relationship - in a different way, they each fill my soul with so much laughter, support and joy.

And then even on top of the love I have for my friends, it's amazing to me how much I adore their children...I didn't give birth to any of them, but yet my heart swells with pride and love when I am with them just the same as with my Natalie.

Then there are the puppy dogs who show such love and devotion to me, but who have absolutely no idea how much peace and comfort they also provide.

And then with my students...I never knew that I could love and care for the children of strangers as much as I do.  If you are in my school then I care about your education and your overall well-being.

Which brings me to Natalie.  I look at her and I am absolutely amazed.  She is not only incredibly gorgeous and smart but funny and athletic as well.  And I helped to create her.  What in the hell did I do in my life that was so awesome as to deserve such an amazing creature for a daughter?!

Above all, there is a God that has given me the gift and grace of life here on Earth.  He alone has provided me the brains the the brawn to go after what I wanted, whether it was a husband or a job...and the sensibility to know when to stop looking and just be content with what I was given.

So I guess that's all I have to say about my 30th birthday.  Thanks for all the love I've been shown in my life - hopefully I can repay it in my next 30 years.

My Angie

Saturday, June 20th, 2009: Angie's Day of Adoption

Two years ago Craig and I were driving home from lunch with his mom and sister when Craig casually turned into the parking lot of a pet store and mentioned that we should take a look.  I told him that if he wasn't serious about getting a dog, then we should just go home...because taking me to look at dogs and not getting one was absolutely evil.  He assured me that he thought that it might be time for us to add a four legged baby to our family of two.  We searched through the pet store at all the cute puppies, but something about the store just didn't sit well with me.  Growing up my favorite dog was Gigi...the ultimate mutt who my mother found abandoned at the church one cold Wednesday night.  I knew what we had to do - we drove home and looked up the address and information for Operation Kindness in Carrollton.  It was still open for a few more hours.  I handed Craig the keys and we were off...and I was nervous.  Animal shelters scared me because I was afraid that I was going to get upset seeing the puppy dogs that were all so desperate for me to take them home.  After searching some of the kennels, we test drove a hound dog named Truffles, but after loving on Truffles and her white fur for a bit...my black pants were covered with the remnants of Truffle-love.  We went back to the small dog kennels and looked again.  Then, hiding quietly in the back of a kennel behind a ferociously noisy dog sat a dark brown, big eyed and floppy eared dog that bore the tell take signs of a dachshund.  I checked out the puppy dog's info that was attached to her kennel and called Craig over.  She was in the age range we wanted (young, but not a puppy), she was around the ideal size for us (small, but not toy size) and to me...she seemed to have soulful eyes that pleaded with me to take her home.  I walked her around the outdoor area at the shelter and talked with Craig and the shelter volunteer about our needs, our home and what type of dog might be best for our family.  Right before we went back into the shelter, I leaned down to this little puppy dog and looked into her round, brown eyes and asked her "Would you like to come home with me?"  My answer was a big lick on my nose and with tears in my eyes I glanced over to Craig.  "This one.  I want her.  We're getting her."

On the first day at home with her new family. 

She was originally named "Marie" by the shelter, but Craig and I just didn't think it was an appropriate name for a puppy dog.  During the drive home from the shelter to our house, Craig and I discussed names.  I suggested "Angie" and Craig asked how in the world I came up with that.  It was easy..."because she is the most beautiful dog in the world so we will name her after the most beautiful woman in the world...Angelina Jolie."  And so "Marie" became "Angelina Marie Nelson."

Angie and her cousin dogs, Annabelle and Andy.

Angie's best friends live at my parent's house.  The first time Angie ever met the cousins she was meek and shy at first, not wanting to leave my lap.  Andy and Annabelle refused to take no for an answer and soon enough Angie had ventured out of the safety of my lap to interact and play with the cousin pups.  I was a little disappointed at first because Angie was so reserved and skittish around anything and everything new to her.  But after a little bit of playing with Andy and Annabelle, she began to make her momma very proud...especially when she established herself among "the pack" as the Alpha Dog.  That's my girl.



Craig, Angie and me at my 26th birthday party.

 

 Angie the snow pup.

Believe it or not...Angie loves to wear clothes.  She gets excited when I pull out her hoodies (yes...plural...she has more than one), or her Big Sister t-shirt and especially her lady bug Halloween costume.  This past Halloween everytime the doorbell rang to signal another Trick or Treater, she would sprint off the couch and trot her little ladybug butt to the front door to greet the children.

Angie and Natalie, April 8th - Natalie's One Month Birthday

This is probably one of my favorite pictures of my two babies. 

  

Angie always has to check on her baby to make sure she is okay.

Whoops!  Snuck in a kiss while momma was trying to take a picture!

This picture was taken by my friend Amy when she, Heather and I were all finishing up Natalie's room a few weeks before she was born.  Angie was anxious and nervous the whole time...I think she sensed that something was about to change her whole little world.  I know some people say that one of the things that happens after a baby is born is that the dog no longer is your baby but instead, just your dog.  And for some people that might be the case, but I just can't do that to my Angie.  She is more than a dog to me - she truly is my companion.  She has kept me company on lonely Saturdays while Craig was at tournaments and she was always first into the bathroom during my pregnancy when I would get sick. 

Who would have thought, two years ago when this little creature came into our house and tore things up and peed on everything, that she would become such an integral member of our family?

I love you my Angie girl.

It's always just been him and me...but this new baby makes it three!

We are proud to announce the arrival of the newest little princess in our household.Angelina Marie

"Angie"

1.5 years old

Dachshund Mix

Lovingly adopted from Operation Kindess

Craig and I started off our Saturday by meeting with the ceremony and reception site person along with our mothers, MeMa and aunt. We had a long list of stuff that I needed to cover - a meeting to nail down a few more specifics so that I could have a general idea of what to be looking for in the next few months. Like I've said so many times before...I am a planner. I definitely walked away from the meeting feeling much more confident and sure of myself. We still have so many details to iron out, but at least I have a better idea of what to expect and what I need to procure in order to have a beautiful wedding day. I think it was also nice for our families to be able to walk their way through our wedding as well.

Afterwards, Craig and I went and ate lunch with his mother, MeMa, Aunt Kay, sister and sister's friend at Olive Garden. Craig really loves and dotes on all the women in his life...he understands the importance he holds in the family. I think that was part of the reason that I fell in love with him, but at the same time I can also see him making the transition from son to husband and with that comes a change in all relationships. I'm thankful for the devotion and fierce loyalty he has to his family because I know that he will put that towards me and our children as well.

Speaking of children...we now have one. Albeit a child with four legs that slobbers a bit...but something to love and take care of nonetheless. I have been patiently waiting for the day that Craig would decide we were finally ready to get a dog. For months on end I have been trying to convince him of how much I not only wanted a dog...but needed a dog. On those weekends that he is working the tournaments, I get lonely. On those nights that he is coaching basketball practices, I get lonely. I wanted something to follow me around, to cuddle and to listen to all the random things that come out of my mouth. Basically...I wanted something to do everything that Craig won't! Ha, ha, ha. Craig kept putting me off: after Spring Break, maybe during summer, if babysitting your parent's dogs goes well. I finally stopped pushing him and was just keeping my fingers crossed that Andy and Annabelle behaved themselves while at our house.

Today as we were leaving the restaurant, he turned left into a parking lot of a big strip mall and said "I'm going to be nice to you today." Uh...well...okay. Sometimes Craig's sense of humor can be taken a little far and I thought that maybe he was going to tell me something nice, or buy me something off my registry (we were by Bed, Bath and Beyond). Then he mentioned how there was a PetLand in the shopping strip. I instantly welled up with tears which were quickly squashed with his "we're just looking" comment. Hmph. We'll see about that. We went into the pet store and there were lots of cute little purebred puppies just waiting to be taken home - but for $250!!! After being the proud owner of a beautiful, well mannered, good natured mutt that we rescued from the church parking lot named Gigi for 14 years, I couldn't in good conscience buy a "designer" dog. I knew I had to rescue one. We went home, did a little research on the internet and found an Operation Kindess, which is a no kill shelter, just a few cities away and it was open until 5:00 today! We plugged the address into my GPS and we were on our way to find a dog.

I was so nervous when we got there because I knew these people were serious - they don't like to give dogs to people who can't take care of them properly. What if they didn't think we were going to be suitable owners?! There were so many dogs there and if Craig would have let me...we would have taken every single one. I can't imagine a person looking into the eyes of any of these creatures and being able to give them away, treat them poorly or dispose of them on the side of the street.

We "test drove" one dog named Truffles who was a very...ahem...sturdy Basset Hound mix, but she was a little bigger than I wanted and also shed...a lot. On our list of "must haves" for getting this dog was: a calm demeanor, easy fur maintenance, little to no barking. I must have peered into every kennel and read all the information for every dog, and of course I pictured myself taking each and every one home with me. But since there could only be one, I knew I had to choose wisely. I came across a brown little pup with big brown eyes who was sitting quietly in her kennel. I read her bio while she patiently and quietly watched me with interest. Her name was Marie and she was one and a half years old. She was described as a sweet natured dog who wanted lots of love. I took her out and test drove her around the path outside. She seemed shy and nervous but took a liking to me very quickly after a few loving pats on the back. I asked Craig what he thought...he had generally been taking a back seat to the dog selection because he knew that it would really be MY dog. He reached down to pet her and she immediately went into the submissive position and rolled on her back. It was clear to both of us that she had really been mistreated and most likely by a man. At that moment, my heart broke and I knew that I could love her back to good mental health. As we were walking her back in, I was still hemming and hawing about the decision between dogs because I knew Craig liked Truffles the Basset Hound. I bent down close to Marie's head with my hair falling around her and looked into her eyes. I could tell she was hooked on me and demonstrated this with a big lick on my chin. I stood up with tears in my eyes and told Craig - I want her. And she is the one we got.

While waiting for the last bits of paperwork to be processed, she was brought to us in the adoption center and promptly took a place on my lap. Although dogs cannot speak, I could tell she was thankful...and a bit nervous but showed her appreciation with many licks on our fingers. Afterwards we took her to Pet Smart to buy all the necessary items for bringing a new puppy home to our house. Over a hundred dollars later we had a crate, a bed, a toy, food, shampoo, a collar and leash and a brush. All during the ride to the store and then the ride to the home she was in my arms and desperately fighting the intense desire to sleep. I figured we would get her home and she would sack out just from the stress of the day. I was wrong. She pranced into our house, took a few laps around and began playing visciously with her new pink pig. She was overjoyed to have a new family and a new home full of things for her to explore.

I love her and I love Craig for understanding how important having a dog means to me. She already met her cousins, the Westies Dirk and Nash this afternoon but she was a bit nervous. Maybe she'll have more fun in the future when she's more confident. Tomorrow I am taking her to my parent's house for Father's Day and she will meet Andy and Annabelle!

What's Love Got To Do With It?

All throught this blog, which has spanned the course of one year of my life, I have discussed my relationships and issues with men. I've talked about what I want in a man, the trouble I had finding one that matches my needs and wants, and I have touched upon my stormy past with certain young men. But never once have I truly broached the subject of love.

There have been great sonnets and renowned literature written about love. If not for the concept of love, Hollywood and the music industry would not have made millions. Real people have lived for love and died from it. The word is tossed around so carelessly in our culture. "I love that shirt!" "Have you heard the new Madonna song? I totally love it!" (Yes, I have heard it. And yes, I totally love it.)

But what does love truly mean and what form will it take in my life? What form do I want it to take? What do I expect when I hear those words or feel that emotion from someone?

I suppose each individual's first impression of love is that of their own parent's relationship. I got lucky. My parents were college sweethearts and were married after only nine months of courtship. They are currently approaching their 40th wedding anniversary. When asked how they got married so quickly, my mom just answers "I just knew." I can't decide if I like a hair color enough to keep it for nine months, much less the rest of my life...

I want a marriage like my parents': supportive, understanding, compassionate, passionate and stable.

My parent's relationship reminds me of that story of the two swans on the farm. A grandfather is telling his grandson about how swans mate for life. One day, the female swan is found dead in the pond and the male swan is visibly upset. The grandson says that the male will find someone else - he'll be okay. The gradnfather predicts that the male swan will soon die from grief over his partner. A few days later, the male swan is found dead in the same spot as the female swan. Soon after, the grandmother passes away, followed a few months later by the grandfather. My parents are like that. It's not that they physically can't live without each other in some sick, addictive, co-dependent relationship...it's that they don't WANT to live without the other one.

Their love has transcended the passionate infatuation and graduated to this state of complete connectedness and partnership. They aren't just a married couple - they're best friends. I want to marry someone who is my best friend because one day the initial passion will face and I will have to have something left over. Unfortunately...statutes set by the state of Texas and because she ran off with a Mexican sailor...I can't marry my best friend Amy. Just kidding. But weirdly enough...she did marry someone exactly my height and with a similar personality. :)

Have I ever been in love? I've been infatuated. I've been filled to the brim with lust. I've been co-dependent. I've worn the blinders. But the type of love that my parent's have? Even the prospect of that love? Nope. Never even close.

I know that someday I will have that love. Will it happen like in my favorite love indulgences The Notebook, Love Actually or Gone With The Wind? Will I be awoken by my true love's kiss after biting a poisoned apple? Will I get a letter from God telling me the plans he has for meeting my true love? Probably not. But I have faith. I will have that love in my life eventually because I want it. And I always get what I want.

I know what I do have though. I have a best friend. A drinking and watching sports buddy. An "I'm having a horrible day and need a hug" support system. A conversation-just-by-a-look psychic partner.

I have seen this person at his absolute worst and it terrified me. It was so frustrating - being able to so clearly see all the amazing things I loved about him; the reasons I was his friend. But he couldn't see it for himself. Because I was his friend, I didn't fix him...for once...I allowed him the space and time he needed to do it for himself. Like I told him "I will support you 110% as long as you're doing something positive to change you life." And he has come through a completely amazing person - which is even more reason for me to be proud of him and love him. He supported me through a devastatingly depressing time in my own life through which I was repeatedly hurting both myself and the people around me. But he didn't abandon me despite my constant pushing away. I hated myself so much and I didn't want anyone in my life to be a part of it. But he was persistant. He loved me when I couldn't love myself.

But everything about our friendship hasn't been doom and gloom. We've laughed at inane and ridiculous things, we've celebrated each others victories and talked shit about our defeats. We've high fived at Mav's games and grumbled about the Cowboys' playoff loss.

Our friendship hasn't reached the point when I could say that I know everything about him - because even my mother quotes that she doesn't know all of the recesses of my father's mind. But, I can anticipate what he is and isn't going to say, how he will feel about something and most importantly...I know when to just walk away and let him be.

I once asked him "What do you like about me?" And he, being the enormous wordsmith that he isn't, just shrugged his shoulders and said "I just like who you are." At first I was completely frustrated with his lack of response. I delve into topics, entirely dissceting it to the nth degree. I could be that person writing the sonnet about what I like about him becasue I am never at a lack for words. How his eyes twinkle when he knows he did or said something that made me laugh. His total and unwavering loyalty to the people he cares about in his life. The way he truly doesn't care about what people think of him. The list could go on.. But he just summed it up in six words for me. I pressed for more specific information, but there was none forthcoming. I had to be content with what he said. So, after chewing on the words for awhile, I came to a conclusion: I am who I am and he likes that. It's that simple. I don't have to put on pretenses about who I am. I don't have to change myself in order to be more appeasing to him. I just have to be myself. Which has proved repeatedly to be one of the more challenging tasks in my life. He has provided me with a reason to be okay with myself - he accepts my slight craziness, my occasional outburst, all of it. He wipes away the previous notion that I held about being completely unlovable. Sure, I know there are things about me that he gets frustrated with - I have a hard time making decisions at times, I overreact about small issues and stress myself out, you know - I act like a girl sometimes. He just takes it all in and rolls with it.

But, is this love? I can look in his eyes and be moved. I am comforted by his presence. I am so filled with contentment at the sight of his personal happiness. I worry about him overworking himself. We can sit in silence together and it's not awkward.

I don't know if it's that lifetime love, but I know that he's my best friend and I don't want to not have him around in my life.