Wednesday Morning Meltdown

Natalie threw it down today at gymnastics.

It was big, ugly and embarrassing.

And of course it all happened on the day her beloved Nonna came with camera in hand to watch Natalie do gymnastics.

And it was an epic, epic, EPIC fail.

Tears upon entering, then a refusal to do any sort of warm-up which led to me having to go into the gym area and sit against the wall so she would do the activity.  I wasn't pleased with her non-compliance and with having to be THAT mom sitting in the gym, but at least she wasn't crying anymore.

But then it came to the end of class.  Ugh.

She followed another little girl out of the gym for whatever reason and came to sit with me.  Shortly after sitting in my lap the class began gathering together for their end-of-class game which is always finished with a stamp on the hand for each gymnast.

Of course, she wanted to go back in to play the game...so I let her.

But then she came right back out.

And then wanted to go back in.

Oh no.  I was having NONE of that so I looked her square in the eye and told her to make a choice - either go into the gym and play the game or put her shoes on to go home.  She ran excitedly back into the gym....and then promptly laid down on a mat with tears in her eyes.

Done.  I was done.

I marched in there, picked her up off the mat and informed her it was time to go home and that there would be NO stopping at Chick Fil-A today.  And if that didn't upset her enough, as I was putting on her shoes, she saw all the kids lining up to get their stamps.  Not upsetting in and of itself obviously, but she was absolutely pushed over the edge when I told her that she was not getting a stamp today.

Wherever you are right now as you read this...I'm sure you could hear her wails.  I was the WORST.  MOMMY.  EVER.  because I didn't let her get the stamp.  Was that a little harsh for a two-year-old?  Perhaps some people might say so, but in my world-view...if you don't do the work, then you don't get to reap the rewards.  Parenting for the next eighteen years compared to the next five minutes.  Sounds good on paper but sometimes the most difficult thing to enforce.

But it was so hard.  Because she was so outrageously angry.  And my mother was there to see the whole thing go down.  Natalie screamed on the way home - "Nastics!  Stamp!"  She was begging for a re-do - an opportunity to go back and do what she knows she is supposed to do.

The fit carried the entire way back home, into the house and didn't stop until Craig came home from running errands.  He was able to get her calmed down, allowed me time to eat dinner in relative solitude and then took her upstairs for a much needed nap.  By the time she finished her lunch and was heading to night-night there were lots of hugs, kisses and "I'm sorry, Momma" given out - obviously she was ready to move on from the morning's meltdown.  Me on the other hand?  I'm still shaking.  My jaw aches from being clenched and my legs feel like I just ran 10 miles because I was tensed up for the entire saga.

I felt (feel?!) like an utter failure as a parent.  And yes, I know that the other parents there have all been through similar tantrums like Natalie's, but...it's just different when it's YOUR child that's being carried out of the building screaming like a banshee and flailing like a fish washed up on shore.

One of the biggest things I have always struggled with in my life is my pursuit of perfection.  I expect it of myself, of others and now, apparently from Natalie.  Well, it's not that I expect HER to be perfect, but I expect her to behave appropriately because I'M "perfect" and instilling the right values and expectations in her.  So by that measure, I failed today because I didn't set her up for success or respond appropriately to her emotions in a way that would encourage her to finish the class.

I know, I know, I KNOW.  She's a toddler.  They do things like this.  It's just a phase.  We can't always control everything they do and we can only control our reactions to them.

I understand all that - heck, I even BLOGGED about that last sentence awhile back when I talked about technology.  But understanding it from an outsider's point of view and being right there in the thick of it are two entirely different things.

Of course after Craig got her down for a nap, he came downstairs to talk and I immediately swore off ever taking her to another gymnastics class FOREVER AND EVER, AMEN.  Because THAT'S how angry, frustrated and embarrassed I was at her behavior.

But in reality, I'm terrified.  I'm scared at how much I wanted for her to behave and be GOOD at gymnastics.  I'm completely aware of how neurotic I'm being about a two-year-old's extracurricular activity.  I get that I'm just a teensy bit insane for worrying this much about something that in the grand scheme of things will be terribly inconsequential.  But I'm afraid of how much worse it's going to get as I watch her grow up, try out for sports teams, get cut out from a group of friends, struggle with schoolwork...  It's not that I want to protect her from everything that is bad, but I want her to be the kind of kid that just naturally excels at stuff because I was that kind of person.  School, sports and friends came pretty easily to me.  Of course, there were bumps along the road but for the most part, I didn't struggle learning concepts, getting playing time or maintaining friendships.  I want that for her because from experience, it's a pretty sweet life to live.

Yikes.

I should probably relax and have a cocktail to take the edge off.

So in closing...she will be going to gymnastics next week.  It will be my 30th birthday so I might just let Craig take her while I go get my nails done.

But more than that, I think days like today are ultimately for the best.  It causes me to reexamine my own parenting decisions as well as the motivation from those decisions.  I'm forced to explore the reason WHY this incident bothered me so much - was it strictly from frustration, why did I feel embarrassed, what do I really expect from a toddler?  It's these questions that are going to help propel me to parent Natalie more thoughtfully and with a broader view of the type of woman I want to raise.  Of course I want her to be a remarkable young lady but I also know that if I put too much pressure on her that I will crush her spirit and cause such deep resentment from her to me.  As much as it is against my nature, I must step back and allow her the freedom and luxury of making a mistake and then learning from it in order to become a better person.

Adventures in Toddlerhood

Parenting an almost two and a half year old is sometimes like living in a perpetual hurricane.  There's always the calm that comes along with the eye of the storm, but it's an uneasy feeling...like things are going TOO well and that in just a few short moments, the roof is about to be blown off your house and the entire Pacific Ocean will come crashing through the windows.

Craig and I have weathered the toddler storm fairly well so far, but with Natalie quickly gaining vocabulary and A MIND OF HER OWN (how dare she!), the storms we are experiencing have recently taken on a bit more...hilarity.

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The other day I was craving not a glass of wine or a cold beer, but a cocktail.  Vodka and Sprite to be exact.  I also had to run to the grocery store and Natalie was tagging along so at the ripe old age of two and a half...she made her first trip to the liquor store.  Upon entering the store she saw all the rows of wine bottles and exclaimed, "Momma buy wine?"  Sheesh.

But the hilarity doesn't end there.  Oh no.  This was a VERY entertaining trip to the liquor store.

While I was perusing the vodka bottles she began to touch some of the merchandise and I admonished her, "no touching - we don't touch!"  She complied but shortly thereafter I picked up a bottle from the shelf and she was quick to remind me, "no touching Momma!"  Of course this was said with a hand on her hip and in her perfect Momma/teacher voice.  I looked at her skeptically, one eye raised and let her know that "I'm an adult so I can touch whatever I want."  Obviously unimpressed, she hiked up her skirt to show off her delicate Ariel panties and declared, "I an 'dult.  I a big girl!"

Yikes.

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Bedtime with Natalie is probably my LEAST favorite part of the day.  She fights the good fight almost every single night and although I easily resist her pleas of "Momma lay down?" Craig is a big old softie and can't help but snuggle and cuddle and rock and pat Natalie whenever she wants and for however long it takes to get her to sleep.

But that's another topic of discussion entirely.

Tonight was no different with her wails of "no night-night" beginning as soon as Craig placed her into bed at 8:30 after having rocked and read two books.  Eventually the cries quieted down and we figured she had finally drifted off to sleep and we were free to pursue our late night adventures in reality television and selling baseball cards online.

Oh no.

At 9:30 we hear a little voice piping up from the room at the end of the hall.  "Daddy?  DADDY?!"

Sweet mother of pearl.  You have GOT to be kidding me.  What is she doing awake!?

Come to find out...she has been sitting in her rocking chair, reading books to herself by the light of her nightlight on her alarm clock.  For an hour.

So I coach Craig on what television's Super Nanny taught me to do.  Go into her room, leave the lights out and don't say a word while putting her gently back into bed with a loving pat.  Exit quickly and repeat if necessary.

Obviously she gets up and cracks open the door to her bedroom enough for her beady little eyes to see what's going on down the hall.  I turn the corner to face her door while simultaneously putting on my "Momma's not happy face."  She slams the door shut and all I hear are the rapid pattering of feet racing back to bed followed by the twang of the mattress coils as she leaps under the covers.

This happens twice.

Sneaky is not a word I would use to describe my two-year-old.

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Dinner has lately become a case of Whack-a-Mole where Craig and I spend a large amount of time convincing Natalie to stay in her seat and eat her meal.  Perhaps it's a case of extraneous energy but she wants to be dancing, rolling and hopping while ingesting her carrots, strawberries and green beans.

Tonight was no different and after her second escape from and reluctant return to the table, I looked her in the eyes and told her that if she got up ONE.  MORE.  TIME.  that she would be done eating for the night.  Sure enough within minutes she was off and cavorting around the house so I pushed her plate to the sink as a sign that she was D-O-N-E with dinner and that Momma meant business.

As I was cleaning up the dishes I heard her patter of feet behind me and when I glanced back, a peculiar sight caught my eye.  Natalie standing in the corner of the dining room with her head down and her hands up under her chin.

Suspicious behavior, to say the least.

I went over and checked on her but even though her answers were mumbled...they were dripping with guilt and remorse.  But more importantly than that, she smelled delicious.  Far better than ANY two-year-old should smell at the end of a hot summer day.  And familiar.  Her scent triggered a memory so I searched the floors, looking for a strewn bottle of my lotion that she might have snatched from my purse.  

Nothing was amiss so I returned to the culprit for a deeper interrogation.  It didn't take much prodding until the truth escaped her lips, "soap - bathroom - sorry Momma."  

A-ha.  Sure enough, her hands were coated in whatever flavor of Bath and Body Works soap I have sitting on the counter in the downstairs 1/2 bath.  Since she had already punished herself by shoving her face into the corner, I just said, "whenever you think you're done with time-out, you may come and talk to me about this."

Bless her sweet heart.

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But for all of her hijinks, her tantrums and her stubbornness...I adore her.  Every single inch of her - from the top of her curly, summer sun highlighted hair down past her belly which is a delightful mixture of lean, little girl and round little baby, through her brown and perpetually bruised legs and all the way to her little toddler toes.

I just love her.  Everything that she is and even the things that she is not.

Watching Kate and William display their precious bundle of joy to the world today stirred up fond and emotional memories in me.  Sure, it was only a few years ago, but I know the mixture of emotions that goes along with holding the most innocent of gifts in your arms, terrified of screwing it all up but simultaneously excited for the journey you are about to take.

This season that we are in right now...this is the season I imagined when I was pregnant.  The times when Craig and I would be able to giggle and glance at each other with that look that only two people can share about their child.  No one can love her like we do.  No one will know her like we do.

When we look at this little girl we see ourselves, the generations that came before and the future stretched out in front of us.

I see my grandmother's gray-blue eyes paired with my wide, genuine grin.

From her head sprout Craig's curly blond locks that hang over her olive brown skin that's so obviously inherited from the Italian side of my family.

There's her long and lean body and I am no longer ashamed of being tall and athletic - I am proud.  I created her.  I created the body with which she runs, jumps, gallops and rolls.

And then there are the pieces of her that are unique and devoid of any family relation.  The moments that are purely NATALIE...those are the ones that I delight in the most because it allows me to see the independent individual Craig and I created.

The Princess Complex

As Natalie quickly sheds all signs of babyhood and sprints towards her preschool years, Craig and I are finding ourselves swimming through uncharted waters as we begin to dip into the Disney princess pond.

Apparently, there are people out there that have a lot to say about a little girl's obsession with princesses and everything pink or sparkly.  It's damaging to their self-esteem, one says.  Another bemoans the fact that girls are being set up for unrealistic relationship expectations.  And then there is the camp that believes it shortchanges the capabilities of young women.

And I think to myself...they're just movies.  Cartoon characters on a screen, acting out a pretty predictable story.

I had no idea the beloved movies of my youth were so controversial in today's parenting expert and feminist circles.  But then again, that was the 80s and I do believe that the movie and character marketing scheme was not quite the economical juggernaut back then that it is today.

Sure, I had an Ariel nightgown and played mermaids in the pool with my best-friend Kate....but that's kind of where our obsession stopped.  We understood that the movie we loved to watch was just that - pure entertainment.  It was something fun to watch and use to play imaginatively, but certainly not a lifestyle to which we aspired to live.  Today there are aisles of toy stores devoted to everything pink, sparkly and princessy.  But just because there are those toys available, it doesn't mean that I have to purchase them for my daughter.

I guess my issue with the backlash against Disney princesses is this - why are these critics so quick to underestimate and devalue the importance of the parents in the molding of a young girls self-esteem, values and strength of character?

My views of marriage as a partnership between two people with a deep love and profound trust for each other did not evolve out of memorizing the lines to every song in The Little Mermaid or Beauty and the Beast.  No.  I watched my parents interact every single day in my home.  I saw my father joke playfully with my mother in the kitchen and followed every gentle tease with a sweet kiss on her cheek.  I smelled my mother's Chanel No. 5 perfume as she put on the finishing touches of her outfit for a special night out with my father.  I witnessed years of love, devotion and compromise despite sick children, aging parents and personality differences.

In short, I didn't believe in the fictional "happily ever after" because I was living the real life fairy-tale ending by being a product of my parents love for each other.

When children are so small and impressionable, parents should still be in control of the household.  I set the tone for when we watch movies and the take-away message that Natalie receives.  I can either choose to teach her that women are weak and must have a man to rescue them or I can show her that women are completely capable beings that (if they want) can happily accept a man's company in her life.  I can allow her to be fixated on the prettiness of a princess, or the obvious luxury she enjoys...or I can reinforce the fact that movies are works of fiction and that a life filled with love, respect and joy is worth far more than any beautiful dress or fancy home.  I refuse to give up the power of influence over my daughter to any cartoon character or marketing scheme in the aisles of Target.

So for the time being we are keeping the occasional Disney princess flick as part of our movie library.  A little bit of fantasy combined with catchy tunes and an irresistible love story can be good for a girl and her momma.

Little Prayers

Over the past few days, due to Craig's basketball tournament schedule, Natalie and I have had quite a bit of Momma-daughter bonding time. 

And we sure did need it. 

I know that all kids go through phases of preferring one parent over the other. And I know that as her mother and the person who felt her (not so tiny) kicks from the inside, there is a bond between the two of us that runs so deep....almost as if our souls are forever linked. 

So during the past week when she would demand for Daddy to hold her and me to "go away" or when she would squeal in protest as I tried to get her dressed....I prayed. Prayers for forgiveness because in those dark and cloudy moments, I truly believed that I had caused the rift in our relationship. That because I wasn't present emotionally in her very first few months of life, that I had somehow damaged our relationship. I prayed for the patience to see this phase through with grace and kindness so that I could show her that a mothers love is unwavering and unbreakable. 

And quite frankly, I might have even prayed for a glass of wine. 

I worried and stressed about the upcoming tournaments when Craig will be out of the house more often than he is home. I prayed that this phase would wash through soon and I would be back in the good graces of our tiniest tyrant. 

Tonight those little prayers were answered. 

We took a bath and played with Ariel while practicing our swimming arms. Good lotion was applied to sweetly soft toddler skin followed by the brushing of delicate curls. We watched Monsters, Inc. while eating popcorn in the big bed. We snuggled under blankets and hugged stuffed animals, baby dolls and one very special plastic dolphin.  And then it was time for bed. 

Ugh. Bedtime. The bane of our existence as of late. Needless to say, I was dreading fighting the good fight all by myself. 

So I laid her in the tiny toddler bed, covered her with her blankness and all her favorite stuffed compadres (and that plastic dolphin) and I got down close to her face. 

"I love you Natalie Nelson."

Without missing a beat, she answered, "I love you Momma Nelson."

I melted and she giggled. 

Prayers have been answered and we are back on track. 

Toddlers and Technology

My school district is in the midst of a complete curriculum and philosophical overdrive in an effort to better prepare kids for their future careers but also to attract and engage every learner in the classroom.  As part of this new focus our district is slowly switching over to Apple products for both teachers and students to utilize for lesson planning, instruction, student discovery and assessment.  

But that's all pretty boring stuff so I'll get to the real reason I brought that up...

We now have two iPads in our house and when you combine that with a very curious two-year-old...there has to be some guidelines, expectations and consequences.  So this is kind of an outline that we've been implementing and using with Natalie as she gets older and more aware of the technology that is found in our everyday lives.

Let me first preface this by saying - Craig and I thought long and hard about introducing not only an iPad to Natalie, but even allowing her to watch television.  Up until her second birthday she really didn't even watch television (nor was she interested) and I was very adamant on the whole NO SCREEN TIME philosophy for her.  I wanted her to be able to play on her own without a piece of technology doing the entertaining.  So for the longest time even our cell phones were off limits (and honestly, they still are!) because I wanted her to understand the concept of waiting to be served food at a restaurant or being patient in the cart during grocery shopping.  So for Natalie to be allowed to play on the iPad is pretty hard for me because I desperately want to avoid that technozombie child.

First things first: KNOW YOUR SETTINGS

There are tons of ways to make your iPad "safe" for toddlers and big kids while they play which will make your life infinitely easier as well as give you some peace of mind.

*Disclaimer - I have ALL my apps in folders because I don't like clutter or messes, nor do I like using more than one screen.*

Go to your settings app and open it up - this is kind of like the "control panel" on a computer.

You want to click first on GENERAL then scroll down to RESTRICTIONS - this is the place where you will hold all the iPad power!

Go ahead and "Enable Restrictions" but don't forget to remember your passcode!

And on another note - all our Apple devices (iPads and phones) are LOCKED and must have a passcode entered before the device can be used.  Therefore when sneaky little hands get their paws on the device...it isn't much fun because they can't access anything!

There's a bunch of different settings and restrictions that you can change once you're into this section but I feel the MOST important is turning OFF the "In-App Purchases" so you can avoid being like these parents whose children ran up thousands of dollars with the "in-app purchase" feature of certain apps.

For the bigger kids who might be watching videos or playing games on the iPad, you can also customize the rating of the game or movie that you don't want them watching (nothing over PG, for example).  

Just beware that when you mess with ALL the restrictions it can sometimes rearrange your apps if you have them all in folders and then you have to spend time reorganizing them and putting them back in nice and neat little folders.  Obviously, I know from experience.  

Secondly: SET EXPECTATIONS AND FOLLOW THROUGH

In the very beginning of our iPad adventure I sat down with Natalie and had a long discussion (as long as you can have with a wiggly two-year-old) about the iPad and the responsibility that came along with it.  

It sounds much more serious than it really was, trust me.

What I really did was show her the basic skills needed - how to open her folder, click on the app and exit out when she was done.  

But more importantly, I looked right in her eye and said very seriously "These are the only games you can play.  If you open a game that is not in this folder, you will lose iPad privileges."

And then Craig and I STUCK.  TO.  IT.

The first few times she was allowed to play on the iPad she definitely tried to open up some of my other folders and she quickly learned that Momma and Daddy were not joking around.  And quite frankly, she also realized that our apps were just not as fun as hers because grown-up apps don't have Elmo, dancing monkeys or funny monsters.  

Of course when she lost her privilege of playing games, she pouted, cried and even stomped off but Craig and I held firm.  We put the iPad out of her reach and became a broken record to her pleas of "PAD!  PAD!  PAD!"  We repeated over and over in the calmest of voices, "You didn't follow the iPad rules so the iPad goes away.  If you want to be upset about this, please go to the stairs and come back when you've calmed down."  And from here I could go off on a tangent about discipline but I'm just going to stop and say this - for the most part, I have a fairly obedient child who wants to make her parents happy by doing the right thing, so this mantra works with her for the time being.

But now that we are several months into iPad territory I am able to let her play on the iPad on the mat in the bathroom while I am taking a shower and she knows her boundaries.  She understands that she has her special folder with that crazy Elmo, that dancing monkey and those funny monsters and that the rest of the iPad is generally off-limits.  

And lastly: TECHNOLOGY IS A PRIVILEGE

When children are very little their life is about cause and effect.  

What will happen when I build a huge tower and then knock it down?  

How many times will Momma pick up my sippy cup after I throw it to the ground?

If I throw a huge fit in the check-out line will I get that chocolate bar?  

What will Momma do if I pop out of bed twenty times after saying "night-night?"  

Although frustrating at times, this is very normal behavior and you can't really control the fact that kids are going to test the boundaries.

Remember Jurassic Park when the highly intelligent velociraptors were testing the different areas of the electric fence to find the weak spot where they could escape?  Yeah.  Little kids are JUST like that.  They're just little baby velociraptors.

But honestly, as parents and adults we cannot control the behavior they choose to have but we CAN control how we respond which will ultimately curb their behavior in the future.  If you give into that candy bar in the check-out line because of a temper tantrum the child has now learned that throwing a fit will get him what he wants.  

So how does this fit in with technology?  We use it as a reward or a treat for following directions and being sweet and respectful, not as a distraction from negative behavior.  It might be five o'clock on a Tuesday night and maybe Natalie has had a really great day so I praise her for all the great behaviors she showed during the day and allow her a little iPad time before dinner.  But if she's been fairly rotten and asks to play a game?  Nope.  Not going to happen.  I really think the key is putting it plainly to the child in cause and effect terms.  "This was the expectation, you did this so here is the reward or consequence."  Even the littles can understand this concept and hopefully by being clear in expectations and following through with consequences or rewards, you can change their behavior for the better in the future.

Sidenote: Love and Logic....best disciplinary strategies EVER.  Useful for both parents of all ages and for teachers.  It really focuses on setting expectations and then allowing the child to hold responsibility for their actions.  This mindset has made my classroom management such a breeze and I rarely ever raise my voice while teaching.  I can't say enough good things about their philosophy.

And in closing...

We don't have this technology and parenting thing completely figured out.  This is one area of raising Natalie that Craig and I feel we are totally in the dark about because it wasn't an issue our parents had to deal with when we were growing up.  I can't look back and tweak what my mother and father did with me and technology because all we had a VCR and a Nintendo.  And that was it.  (And it took a lot of convincing on my brother's part to even get those things!)  

Technology and young children is a wholly 21st century issue and I think as parents we have to be mindful of the impact technology can have on the cognitive, emotional and physical development of a child, both in positive and negative aspects.  But there are also some wonderful things that we can use technology for in this day and age - being able to keep in contact with distant friends and relatives, exploring the world outside our tiny little bubble in the suburbs and helping manage menial everyday tasks while simultaneously reducing disposable waste.

Like I tell my students when they are elected to be group leaders in class - with great power comes great responsibility.  We cannot give our children the great power of technology without handing them the expectations to use it responsibly and then holding them accountable.

And finally...make sure you get a good screen protector because little velociraptor hands are sticky, slimy and snotty.

Today I lost the battle, but I know I'm winning the war.

It was definitely a Friday morning today.

You know how those tend to go.  A few more snoozes on the alarm...a little bit longer spent under warm covers...who wants to get out of bed when there's a giggly girl snuggled up next to you while singing along to her beloved mouse?

While I was hurrying to get myself somewhat put together for school, Natalie climbed into the dry and empty bathtub with the instructions to retrieve a book of mine that she had thrown in.

Needless to say when she saw her bath toys my book was quickly forgotten.  But seeing as how she was happily occupied pretending to make Ariel swim, I kept going about my morning routine instead of harping on the retrieval of my book.

Finally I was ready to go and asked Natalie, "Do you want to go get dressed?"

"No" she replied simply as Flounder chased Ariel around the tub.

I wasn't going to fight it.  Not today.

I informed her that I was going to go downstairs to make my lunch and when I returned it would be time to get dressed.

A few minutes later I bounded back up the stairs and into the bathroom to gather my girl from the tub so that I could get her dressed for the day.

What I saw sent chills down my spine and churned my stomach upside down.

My two-year-old was holding my razor and claiming that she had a "boo-boo" on her leg.

Duh.  How could I have been so careless to leave my curious, observant daughter in the tub while my razor and shaving cream sat just to the side, right next to her ducks, stacking cups and water rings?  And bless her sweet little heart, she just wants to be like Momma.

When I picked her up out of the tub there was no blood but it was starting to gush by the time I got her to the changing table.  As the bright red liquid oozed out of her body I started to panic - it was hard to see how big or deep the wound was.

And on top of that - there's just something about seeing my child's blood that upsets me....compounded with the fact that I felt solely responsible for her injury.

I called for Craig to bring a rag and some Band-aids so that he could wipe her up while I held her down, her face red and hot while tears streamed down her cheeks.  We bandaged her up, wiped her tears and finished getting her dressed.  I dropped her off at Ms. Rebecca's house as a happy girl - one that was so eager to show off her boo-boos.

At the end of the day she is fine.  It was only a few superficial scrapes here and there on her knee and there's not even a real NEED for a Band-aid.

But that doesn't mean I don't feel a little guilty and a lot like a failure.  Because....I've got some secrets to share about my parenting.  I don't help her go up and down the stairs.  We've taken down our baby gates.  Sometimes I even let her play up in her playroom while I'm downstairs on the computer.  I don't play games with her as much as I should - she entertains herself quite well.  I let her eat food off the kitchen floor without blinking an eye.  I don't help her up the playground equipment unless she specifically asks for my help.  I let her play with the big kids at the basketball tournaments while I watch the game.  I make her drag around laundry in the baskets.  She has to wipe up her own spills and put away the dirty clothes that accumulate on the floor.

Some people might call this neglectful parenting because I'm not watching her every move to prevent injuries or mishaps.  I call it empowering.  I see my daughter's strengths.  I see her capability.  I see the joy in her face when she accomplishes something on her own.  Why would I want to hold her back?  There will be plenty of opportunities in her life for someone to try and push her down and tell her that she can't do something.  As her mother, my job is to prepare her for the day when someone tells her that she isn't good enough.  I must instill in her an unwavering sense of confidence and self - the ability to shake off rejection or failure and step back up to the plate, more determined than ever to hit the ball out of the park so that she can prove everyone wrong.

So I let her go and try things at the park that might seem a little too big or scary.  If she tries and she falls, I will pick her up and dry the tears...then show her how to conquer that mountain.  I give her responsibility, not because I'm being a lazy person but because I am committed to proactive parenting and raising a capable young adult.

Often when we're out in the community and we run into people we know (which always happens, given our careers and places of employment) people will tell me how much older than two Natalie seems to be.  I shrug my shoulders and make a comment on her height making her deceptively older.  But that's not what people are noticing - it's her mannerisms, her interactions and her ability to follow instructions.  "She's not a baby anymore!" they tell me.  I smile and say "I know, she's growing up quick!"  But the reason she's not a "baby" is because we don't treat her like a baby.  Don't get me wrong, she is and always will be MY baby and I will rock, cuddle and cover her in kisses for as long as she will let me.  But knowing that she is my baby doesn't mean that my "baby" isn't capable of doing chores, making good decisions, or understanding instructions.

I hope this isn't coming across as cocky or smug.  I am not perfect (remember that razor?) and neither is my daughter....but she is a capable little girl and empowering young women is part of my job description.  So I'll continue to let her lead the way.  I'll keep giving her responsibility and challenges as long as she seems to enjoy and even crave them.

But perhaps....I should keep the razors on a higher ledge for the time being.

Working Momma

Come Monday morning, our beautiful two week vacation for the Christmas and New Year's holidays will be over and I will drop Natalie off at day-care and return to school.  Being a working mother is always a tightrope walk; trying to balance a long day of work full of responsibility with nurturing, parenting and loving a child into adulthood.....sometimes when you're absolutely wiped and devoid of any spare patience.

These are a few personal "rules" that I have institued into my own life in order to find some sort of workable balance that allows me to invest myself into the education of my students at school without neglecting my biggest responsibility - love Natalie and being her mother. 

Just a disclaimer - this works for ME as a teacher whose contract hours during a non-coaching season are from 8:15 until 4:15 but during that time in the day I am very scheduled with no real room for running errands or going to appointments.  Since I've never been in the corporate world, I can't specifically say how these would work on that level, but hopefully you will all be able to find something useful nonetheless.

1. When you're at work....do your work and when at home....BE at home.  It all goes back to what our teacher's told us during school - use your time wisely.  Do work at work so that when you get home, the computer can stay closed and you can spend time playing babies, trains and puzzles.  But for me it's more than just not bringing home tests to grade or creating lesson plans at 10:00 during Jon Stewart - it's the emotional aspect.  It's allowing a nasty email from a parent to weigh on my heart and mind which ultimately affects my mood and behavior at home with Natalie.  When we are together, Natalie deserves my loving attention and does not need to bear the brunt of my bad day at work - something that has nothing to do with her.

2. If possible, set a time limit and stick to it.  Even before I had a husband and child, I set this rule for myself - 5:00 was my usual deadline, with 5:30 if I had more papers or tests to grade.  I found that I worked more efficiently and productively if I imposed a time limit on myself by which I HAD to have a particular set of tasks completed.  It also helped me feel less overwhelmed by a large work load and instead with a time constraint I was able to focus and prioritize on what needed my immediate attention and what could be left until the next day.  Working repeatedly long hours wreaks havoc on your energy and psyche....and NO lesson plan or ungraded assignment is worth risking my mental health.

3. Plan ahead.  On Sundays Craig and I plan out our week - we sit down with the menu board and my planner and figure out what nights we will be home and what our commitments look like.  By doing this, I'm able to look forward and see when I will have to leave work early for a doctor's appointment or right at 4:25 to make it to Craig's basketball game on time.  This way I can more effectively manage my time at work and know when I need to have certain items prepared due to time constraints later in the week.  Sometimes parents get a bad rap at work because of the idea that we have to shirk duties due to an after school sports game or a sick child.  My thought process is that if I'm going to cut out early from work on one day, I better be making up for it some other time so that I am still being a functioning, competent and productive employee.

4. Designate a Family Night and make it a priority.  Sometimes between our school schedule, my personal volleyball league, Craig's select basketball practices and other social activities, our weekly calendar gets pretty jam-packed to the point where we haven't really talked until our heads hit the pillows.  Since MOST weeks our games and such are consistently on the same days, we are able to designate one certain evening as our Family Night.  Most of the time we don't do anything special - I cook a good meal, the television stays off for the most part and we sit up in the playroom and play babies, blocks, Legos, read books and pretty much whatever else Natalie wants us to do.  Even if you can't ensure that it's going to be the SAME night every week, try to pick one night a week where the outside world disappears and the only thing that matters are the people in your home.

5. Be flexible and enjoy the moment.  I'm definitely a person who revels in a schedule.  Bedtime with Natalie starts around 8:00 and involves jammies, putting her babies to bed, reading a book with Craig and then being rocked for about ten minutes before being placed in her crib.  And believe me....there are certainly days when we are counting down the minutes until we can kick off her bedtime routine just because it's been THAT kind of day.  But then there are the evenings when she is delightful and neither Craig nor myself are quite ready to put her to bed when 8:00 rolls around.  So we let her stay up a little later and enjoy her presence, forgetting the time and schedule.

Working and being a mother is always going to be tricky.  There will be sacrifice and there will be some sort of guilt.  But it can be done....and the family unit can thrive.

Dinnertime

Natalie might not be the greatest sleeper during the night and we might still have to employ the ten minutes of "cry-it-out" once she is placed in her crib.........but there is one thing that is NEVER a battle in our house.

Dinnertime.

Lunchtime.

Breakfast.

Snack.

None of it.

As Natalie's sitter Rebecca once said when I picked her up and she was still noshing on goldfish, "she's been eating for awhile, snack time is never really over for Natalie."

That's my girl.  Like mother (and father, quite frankly) like daughter.

I outgrew Happy Meals by the time I was in grade school and as a growing preteen I was out-eating my much older brother at dinnertime.  Full disclosure, I had a hyper-active thyroid condition in my youth along with a heart murmur plus plain old genetics which all led to me being taller than my 5'6 mother by the time I entered sixth grade.  My body was on a metabolic overdrive all the time which caused me to sprout up, be super skinny and eat everything in sight.

Now that I am quickly approaching thirty my metabolism has obviously slowed down and having a baby certainly hasn't helped things, I definitely have to be more mindful of what I eat as well as how much of it I consume.

But even though Natalie is naturally a great eater there still are things that Craig and I have tried to implement in order to ensure she continues to be one.

First and foremost, she eats what we eat.  If we are having a scheduled, pre-planned dinner then she will not be receiving her own specially cooked dinner.  I am not a short order cook.  Of course there are those nights when we pull out all the Tupperware containers from the kitchen and have a buffet where she can have whatever she wants but if I'm cooking....that's what she's eating, at least in some form.

We don't make a big deal out of trying new foods.  I try to put three things on her plate that I know she likes and maybe one new or unusual food just to see.  Sometimes she tries the new food and likes it but if she doesn't, I don't make a big production about her not being willing to try something different.  I offer and if she says "no" then I say okay and suggest she eat something that she does enjoy.  Last night was zucchini, tilapia and spaghetti with a homemade alfredo-type sauce.  I put a little bit of everything on her plate along with some raspberries and she ate everything except the pasta to which she kindly refused.  What more can you ask from a toddler?

We also don't worry if she doesn't eat much at dinner.  She is a toddler.  Their bodies are growing at different times which requires more (or less) food on any given day.  I want my dinner table to be a pleasant atmosphere so I refuse to battle an almost two-year-old over food.  If she isn't hungry at dinner, chances are she will be when she wakes up in the morning.  She will not starve.

People are not cows and therefore we do not graze.  Natalie eats breakfast, lunch and dinner......with an afternoon snack built in after her nap.  If she is starting to get a little restless before dinner then she can eat a cracker but I don't let the snack cabinet get raided anytime she throws a fit.  There is also no eating in the car, but that's just been ingrained into my head from years spent living with an autobody repairman.

Do not engage with the terrorist.  There will be those days.  OH.  There are DEFINITELY those days when I swear her head turns all the way around and she is about to projectile vomit on me.  Natalie obviously has her not-so-sweet moments but Craig and I try to remain calm at the dinner table.  If she wants to throw her food we just calmly say "I guess you are done eating" and remove the plate from in front of her before continuing with our conversation.  I give her a few moments to collect herself and then ask if she would like to keep eating.  Sometimes the answer is yes and other times it is no.  Either way, I don't let her know that her negative behavior has rattled me.  In the extreme case where Natalie is complete unruly and unmanageable either Craig or myself will remove her from the table and sit in time-out with her on the foot of the stairs.

And now with that all being said and put out into the universe, let's see karma come back and bite me in the butt.  Ha.

But in all reality, these are the expectations that Craig and I have decided work best for us in our home.  Mealtime is a chance to get together in the evenings and connect with one another about their day.  I enjoy eating dinner with both Natalie and Craig and we want to preserve the sanctity of the family meal in our home.  So far this set of guidelines has helped us navigate what can sometimes be treacherous territory when it comes to feeding a small child.

Sick Day

So....volleyball season is over.  Like I told the girls, I will miss spending time with them, but not getting to school at 7:15 and leaving at 5:45.

But life has not returned to any sense of normalcy yet.

Craig and I went to PF Chang's for dinner before seeing the newest James Bond movie, Skyfall.

Which, on a side note....was AWESOME.  I know that the creative forces behind the franchise caught a lot of flack for casting Daniel Craig as the new 007 but I think it was a genius decision.  I highly recommend it.

And on a second note, apparently Craig "isn't that into James Bond" which I found out AFTER seeing the movie when I wanted to watch Casino Royale on Saturday night.  I feel that this is the sort of information that we should have discussed during our premarital counseling.

Alright.  Back to our weekend.  About 45 minutes before the end of the movie, Craig's mother texted and said that Natalie was running a low grade fever - hovering around 100.  We finished the movie and Craig called his mother but by then Natalie had settled down and was sleeping.  But as parents we still had a decision to make - pick up our possibly sick daughter or let her sleep over at Grandmama's house.  Quite frankly, it was a tough choice to make.  I don't want to pass my sick kid off on anyone else but at the same time....she was SLEEPING and one of my major rules is - DON'T WAKE A SLEEPING BABY.  So we decided to let her stay asleep at Grandmama's house and if there were any more problems, Craig would go pick her up.

Which is precisely what he did at 12:30 that night.

Saturday and Sunday were spent at home, trying to get her fever to break.  We would give her the Tylenol and she would cool down but then right before her next dose, she would be burning up again.  The fever never rose over 101 so I didn't think an Acute Kids appointment was necessary.

Until Sunday evening, that is.  Since volleyball season is over and basketball season has begun, I'm on Natalie sick duty if the case arises.  Last year taking a day off from work wasn't so bad because I taught strictly PE and there were four other coaches there to help take care of my classes.  But this year I'm teaching two sections of Texas History which have definite lesson plans that need to be taught.

So I was in a bind.  I didn't want to send her to Ms. Rebecca's house possibly feverish and definitely cranky ESPECIALLY with the new baby boy that has joined our little daycare group.  I didn't want to be called out of class at 10:00 to come get a sick little girl and then have to scramble at the last minute to get my classes covered.  BUT I also didn't want to stay home with Natalie and then have her be perfectly fine and have nothing wrong with her.

I laid it all out for Craig and convinced him that we should probably take her to the Acute Kids place near our house.  And it's a good thing we went because the little miss has an ear infection in her right ear and lots of fluid in the left.

So we've been home today.  Playing and staying in pajamas well past the time that is appropriate.  My mother came over and brought lunch and then sewed up my aging Cabbage Patch Doll Ellie who is well past her prime.  Natalie watched carefully as Nonna fixed Ellie's "boo boos."

She took a great three hour nap followed up by lots of chasing, giggling, coloring and playing with her baby dolls.  After a Sunday spent being mentally attacked by the "she doesn't love you because you had PPD" demons....today was exactly what I needed.

And then this evening happened.

In the span of practically an hour, my child.............

- ate her father's deodorant and declared it "yucky."

- tried to bite my face mid-tantrum

- slipped bottom first into the sink and then proceeded to turn the water on all over her.

I daresay she is feeling much better, don't you think?




And about that face biting incident.  Let me expound a bit.  She was at the top of the stairs and wanting to carry a large bag DOWN the stairs.  Mmm.  Not gonna happen twinkle toes.  I took the bag from her while explaining to her that she could get it back at the bottom.

Apparently my logic did not compute with her plan and a mini-tantrum commenced.  I picked her up and was trying to calm her down while, again, explaining my thought process.  (Usually if WE stay calm during her meltdowns, she calms down rather quickly.  Well, as of right now at least.)

She tried to hit me and I held her arms back and said "No hitting Natalie.  We do not hit because that is mean and it hurts Momma."  Which is our mantra for pretty much everything discipline related.  Short and to the point.

So what was her next choice?  She came at my nose like Hannibal Lector in Silence of the Lambs with her mouth wide open, ready to chomp down.

I couldn't help it.

I put her back down at the top of the stairs and collapsed into a fit of giggles.  Her reaction was priceless - she knew that she SHOULD be getting in trouble for her actions, but she couldn't quite figure out why Momma was laughing hysterically.  She just kind of stood there with her eyes wide while wringing her hands awkwardly.

Classic.

And that's life with a toddler.

For the newbies...

1. Don't underestimate the power of a solo trip to Target.  The baby is fed and slumbering peacefully?  The hubs is resting on the couch flipping through sports?  GO.  TO.  TARGET.  Don't ask questions, don't think twice, just wave good-bye and zip on down the road.  Trust me on this.  Target is a safe haven.  While perusing the candle and other assorted home decor aisle, there will be a moment when you hear a baby wail from across the store and instead of your heartbeat picking up at the thought of having THAT crying child in the store, you will revel with relief in the fact that this one time - IT'S NOT YOURS.  You don't even have to buy anything, although if you have the will power to resist all the various and lovely sundries Target has to offer, I would gladly shake your hand in awe and admiration.  Just slow down when you're in there - pick up the books and read the back covers, close your eyes and inhale all the candles and don't forget to hit up home decor and talk yourself into that one teeny, tiny little piece of fabulousness that the shelf in your living room is just crying out to house.

2. No one is on their best behavior at 2:00 am.  Not you.  Not your husband.  And certainly not that bouncing bundle of joy that is awoken like an angry little monster begging to be fed, rocked, cuddled, snuggled, fed again and that finally falls asleep on your chest while you're sitting up against the pillows with the nightlight JUST out of the reach of your fingertips.  Ignore your husbands ignorance and insensitivity at this time.  Pray that he ignores yours as well.  Exhaustion plays tricks on your mind.  Words, phrases, statements and tone filtered through an exhausted mind can turn into insults, tirades, anger and venom.  Not to say that your thoughts and feelings (and the hubs as well) aren't important and that communication isn't vital to a healthy marital relationship and parenting partnership......but perhaps all grievances should be aired when one or both parties aren't drunk with exhaustion, fatigue and frustration.  So.......maybe when the child turns five?

3. Baby OxyClean.  Babies poop.  Frequently.  And although little tiny baby clothes are absolutely adorable, I just didn't have the budget to go out and replace every single outfit that my darling daughter had a blow out in.  Baby OxyClean has helped me to scrub poop, spit up, blackberries, more poop and even maybe a coffee stain or two out of my own clothes.  Spray it generously

4. Buy a portable baby swing.  There is a ton of crap throughout the aisles of Babies R Us, each item seemingly shouting "buy me or your baby will be stupid, sick and unsafe" at you, placing the fear of God (or the CPS) into your soul.  When they're really tiny, they don't need much and most of the larger items you can find at your local Goodwill or neighborhood garage sale (just check that it's in good condition and douse it in bleach when you get home).  One of the most lifesaving items that we were gifted at one of our showers was a basic portable baby swing.  Initially I was disappointed because it looked kind of lame and didn't have all the bells and whistles that the one on our registry had.  I sorely underestimated the intelligent design of a portable baby swing.  It's one o'clock and I haven't showered yet?  Just strap her in and carry that sucker into the bathroom and plop her in front of the glass door to my shower.  Natalie was kept entertained by the solo bright fish hanging down but yet still comforted by the fact that she could see Momma.  Most brilliant plan ever.

5. Repeat this phrase: "She will not graduate high school ______________________" and then fill in the blank with whatever newborn or baby activity is frustrating you at the moment.  For example, the most frequent one that came out of my lips was "waking up in the middle of the night for a bottle."  Or how about the "by crawling across the stage - she will learn to walk eventually."  And then you'll turn around one day and she'll by zooming down the hall screeching gleefully wearing only a diaper and slinging her sippy cup full of milk all across the tile and you'll think to yourself.........can you be tiny again?

6. Off Duty Hour.  There are articles and pictures on Pinterest out there that wax poetic about how a mother's job is never really done and how even though it's a 24 hour job, it's the most rewarding blah, blah, blah.  You know what?  There are some days that I am quite happy to plunk my child down into her daddy's lap for her night-night routine so that Momma can be off the clock.  I go into the bedroom, turn on the lamp and click over to Bravo to catch up on Real Housewives.  And I don't worry.  I don't feel guilty.  I don't stress.  I don't do much of anything.  8:30 is my off duty hour.  Whatever laundry or other household chore didn't get done during the day.........isn't getting done.  Sometimes I even have a glass of wine and read a book or blog.  Whatever it is that I'm doing, the most important thing is - I'm NOT doing anything for anyone else but instead doing something exactly for me.  It might sound a little selfish but I work very hard during the rest of my day and I'm just the type of person who has to have down time before bed in order to truly get a great night's sleep.

Toddler Terrorists

A lot of times when people ask me what grade and subject I teach, their eyes grow huge and they ask the inevitable question:

"How do you deal with middle school teenagers?"

I get that.  I do.  Out in the wild where I can't control them, I'm not a big fan of teenagers either.  They're loud, obnoxious and awkward.  But the good news is...that's pretty standard and normal behavior for their age.  We were ALL loud, obnoxious and awkward at that age.  Seeing teenagers out and about reminds me why I'm so glad I'm not in middle or high school anymore.

But in all honesty, when I am working with them at school, they are the least of my worries, problems, frustrations and concerns.

They just don't bother me that much.

When working with kids you have to keep things in perspective.  THEY  AREN'T ADULTS.  They do not have fully functioning brains to make rational decisions and to have a world view that does not focus on themselves and their own needs.  It's not that they're TRYING to be incorrigible and self-centered........that's the stage in development that they're at.  The terms "good" and "bad" get thrown around a lot with middle school students and I cringe when I hear kids being referred to as "bad."  That's just such a final verdict when the child isn't even fully grown yet.  Let's wait until they have a few convictions before we start labeling, no?  But in all seriousness, underneath all the bad attitude and disrespectful mouthiness..........most kids at their core are GOOD kids.  The "bad" kids are the ones that perhaps haven't been given a fair shake at life or haven't been set up for success by the habits and actions of their parents.  It's my job as an educator to cut through their "bad" facade and get to the good heart that lies beneath.

And most importantly, you can't take any of it personally.  Not the rolling of their eyes, the forgetting of gym clothes or homework, or even when they talk back.  It perplexes me when adults get so offended by the behavior of a teenager.  Frustrated I can understand, but offended?  They're just kids.  Half the time they truly don't know any better and isn't that kind of my job?  To point out their missteps and instruct them on appropriate behavior in an effort to guide them on their path to becoming an adult?!

There's a little disciplinary philosophy and program out there called Love and Logic and the basic tenets revolve around letting kids know that above everything else, they are cared for.........but that doesn't exclude them from suffering the natural consequences of their actions.  It takes the frustration of discipline out of the hands of the adults and places it squarely where it belongs - on the shoulders of the child.  Why should my good day be ruined because a preteen forgot his gym clothes or because she talked back?

For example, when a child forgets their gym clothes, the conversation usually goes something like this:

Child: I don't have my PE clothes.

Me: Okay.  You'll lose points for no clothes.  And after three no clothes days you'll get a detention.

Child:  Okay........

Me: Alright, go have a seat.

*Child looks at me out of the corner of their eye and shuffles off awkwardly.*

The child is expecting to be reprimanded.  It kind of throws them for a loop when their behavior doesn't get a reaction out of me.  As long as you have a good set of policies, expectations and consequences you just let nature take it's course and all the stress is off your shoulders.  The natural consequence is that they'll receive a lower grade and if their behavior continues they will be given a detention and then referral.  And NO child, "good" or "bad," wants to be hanging outside the coaching office at 8:00 in the morning when they could be talking with their friends in the cafeteria.

The sixth grade class this year as a whole was pretty "advanced" for their age socially and knew much more about the world (and not in a good way) than many of our 8th graders.  As a group, they sent the sixth grade teachers and administration for a loop - we just didn't know quite what to do with them since all our normal methods of discipline didn't really seem to work or sink in.  I quickly gave up on trying to bring them up to where I wanted expected them to be (where other sixth grade classes had started out) and instead met them where they were, grabbed their hand and pulled them along the path I needed them to follow.

But this one young lady was a bit of a conundrum.  She was outgoing but her actions spoke of underlying insecurities.  According to her classroom teachers, she was a nightmare - never doing any homework and failing the majority of her tests.  I saw her as funny and charismatic, but a little damaged.  As a general rule, I try to keep in mind that no matter how you slice it, being in middle school is tough and it's not my job to make their lives more difficult but instead to hopefully be a bright spot in an otherwise very dark day.  With this child I knew that she and I would have to come to some sort of understanding about her behavior since she started off the year insisting that she speak at the same exact moment as me.  I leveled with her one day and laid out all the cards - I listed my expectations, how she wasn't meeting them and what would happen if she continued on her behavioral path.  We had a "come to Jesus" meeting one might say.  I was also in charge of the Advisory period which was kind of like a big silent study hall where the kids were expected to be silent and work quietly on homework.  This was a struggle for this young lady.  Not that I blame her but her behavior did get to the point where there were office referrals involved.  After one referral, she brought down the pink slip from the office and said to me while getting dressed for PE, "Coach!  You got me in trouble again in Advisory!  Why do you hate me?"  Whoa there turbo.  Let's back this train up for a second.  I explained things quite plainly for her.  "Giving you a referral for behavior that was inappropriate has nothing to do with how much I enjoy having you in my class.  In Advisory, my job is to enforce the rules and your job is to follow the rules.  When that doesn't happen, the natural consequence is an office referral.  I can still like you as a person but hold you accountable for your actions."  I didn't lecture or glare but just had a casual tone to my voice.  She cocked her head slightly and shrugged in agreement.  "Yeah, I understand that.  I just hate after school detentions."  And off to class she went.  No drama, no tears, no fighting.  Just an explanation of the rules and our roles as student and teacher.

I'm not saying that I'm the best teacher in the world but I certainly know my strengths.  And I'm really good at classroom management and connecting with students.  Any good teacher has to be able to meet their students where they are at academically and emotionally and then have a vision of where the child should be at the end of the year, as well as a plan to get them there.

My natural inclination is to apply ALL the above mentioned stuff about behavior management and discipline to my own personal child.

NOT.  AS.  EASY.

I struggle because I DO take her temper tantrums personally sometimes because I feel as if they are a reflection of my parenting abilities.  My brain and emotions are split down the middle when she acts out - one half of me reverts back to all those child development classes I dutifully sat through in college and I logically understand that she is desperately trying to establish her control over something and throwing a fit is the only way she has to express her frustration at this point in time.  I TOTALLY understand that from a logical and rational child development point of view.  But then there's the other part of me - I have a feeling my mother felt like this a lot when she was working with teenagers while also parenting a teenager, yeah....it's "normal" developmental behavior but you want your child to be better than normal.  To be able to be a role model and above average because then it reflects on your parenting skills.  I'm a teacher and navigate hormonal teenagers every single day.  I should be able to quickly quell a toddler's tantrums.

If only.

Some days it's a uphill battle trying to get her to understand boundaries, limits and making her feel reassured at the same time that she is loved and cared for.  But as difficult as it might be right now to establish and reinforce boundaries and proper behavior with Natalie, I'd rather do the hard work now and reap the rewards later.  

Craig and I were actually discussing this topic at dinner tonight and we both related it to how we approach coaching our respective sports teams at the beginning of the season compared to the end.  At the start of the season, I am a beast in the gym.  I focus on perfecting the warm-up, practicing and correcting proper passing, setting, hitting and serving technique as well as behavior expectations during practices and games.  There are lots of push-ups involved and the girls typically leave the gym sweating profusely.  Quite frankly, although I understand the importance of all the stuff that I'm teaching, it's absolutely exhausting for me to be that tough and strict on my girls.  BUT....the payoff is fantastic because by the end of the season, they can practically run their own practice.  They know when to start stretching, they set up all their warm-up drills and we can easily transition from one activity to the next without hardly any distraction or interruption.  Having them so obedient and respectful also allows for me to be more personal and engaging with them as individuals and as a whole.  At the end of the season, I'm jumping in their drills and we're having a great time playing a sport that we all love while Michael Jackson and Justin Bieber blasts through the speaker system.  Because they know boundaries, limits and have a healthy amount of respect for me as their leader and coach, my teams typically end the season on a high note with all of us genuinely sad to see the season come to a close.

So that's how we're approaching discipline, boundaries, obedience and respect with Natalie - we're beginning with the end in mind.  What type of teenager and young adult to we envision ourselves living with and sending off into the world?  So, with that goal in mind, what actions do we have to take now in order to produce that type of person?  Right now the word "no" is used with us getting down on her level and speaking into her eyes with a firm voice.  There is lots and lots of genuine praise when she follows instructions or makes a good decision.  And when there is a complete meltdown we take a time-out as a family.  Either myself or Craig will take her to the bottom step of the stairs in the entry way (away from most distractions) and we'll just sit, hug and talk calmly into her ear while she wails in an attempt to calm her down.  Sometimes she calms down.....sometimes she doesn't, but she has started to go to that step when she's upset so maybe she is making the connection between that location, feeling out of control and taking a necessary little breather from the situation.  Whatever the case may be, for the most part she minds very well and her meltdowns are few and far between.  BUT we're only at 15 months old so I know there we're just hitting the tip of the iceberg as far as her asserting her independence and making her opinion known.

How do YOU approach discipline with your toddler and do you have any great tricks or tips?

Daughter of Mine

You might call it Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I prefer the term idiosyncrasies.  You might say anal retentive, while I would classify it as organized and efficient.  But regardless of the terminology, the truth of the matter is.........I've got some quirks.  They're such a part of my daily routine that I hardly notice that I do things a little differently than most people, until someone points it out that I don't allow my food to touch.  Or that I have all my clothes hanging in the same direction, organized by sleeve length and all hanging on white hangers.  I'm sure I could write a novel how this kind of behavior is rooted in some sort of need for control and a fear of change but I don't have the time nor the energy.

And this post really isn't about me to begin with - it's about Natalie.  Or more importantly, how this behavior of mine affects her and the person she becomes.

I constantly have to remind myself that even though she inhabited my body in the most intimate of ways - she is not an extension of me.  I do not own her and I cannot expect her to be an exact replica of me.  She will have her own personality traits, her own unique perspective on life and her own voice that she will hopefully use to do great things.

All the time, I find myself making comparisons and picking her apart to find myself instead of appreciating the wholeness that creates HER.

Already I have to force myself to put aside my own "quirks" and embrace the fact - or even REJOICE - that at this time she seems not to have inherited those aspects of my personality.  She, quite frankly, does not care if her food touches - even though I do put it on her tray in nice and neat little piles clearly separated.  Nor does she mind throwing puzzle pieces around the room or mixing up her Little People animals (some go with the ark and others with the jungle) whereas the idea of toys mixing and pieces getting lost causes my chest to tighten up.

Part of my initial PPD reaction when Natalie was first born was the fact that she looked NOTHING like me.  Not one smidgen of me in her tiny little face.  I was crushed.  I felt no ownership of her because she bore no resemblance to me.  She didn't feel like mine - I felt like a carrier for an heir to my husband's family lineage.  Over the course of her first year I desperately searched her facial expressions and developing personality traits for any sign that she was indeed my child.

I read an interesting article the other day about women and their fears about having children that are "different" from them.  Different in the article meant a jock when the mother is not athletic or extroverted while the mother is introverted.  In some aspect, I could relate - there are so many things in life that I hope to share with Natalie: athletics and physical activity, Harry Potter, playing dolls and coloring.  My heart aches to be able to one day share those loves of mine with her.  But then there are things that I absolutely do not want to pass onto her.  I do not want her to feel overwhelming anxiety.  I do not want her to be obsessed with perfection.  I do not want her to worry about everything that comes out of her mouth and how it might affect other people.  I do not want her to wear her heart on her sleeve so much that it is ragged, ripped and weathered by the time she is 28.

So what am I supposed to do?  Children do not learn from words but instead through actions.  I can tell her til I'm blue in the face how to live a contented life free of the anxiety that consumes me, but if I can't demonstrate and model it for her..........

Or she could be just like her Daddy and I'm worrying over nothing.

The Sickies

What a week.....

Last Friday Natalie threw up at Ms. Rebecca's house around 10:00 so I left school and picked her up and was at home the rest of the day with her.  She didn't throw up anymore and was acting quite normally so Craig and I proceeded with our previously made plans.  We met my parents for dinner and handed off Natalie to them and we headed off to the Stars game.  Natalie stayed with my parents that night and on Saturday morning I got up early, got a hair-cut and then we went to pick her up.  That afternoon I got the majority of her birthday planning finished up and now I just have a lot of projects to get through in the next week before her party.  

Sunday morning I woke up sick.  Really, really....sick.  Nothing was staying down and with no signs of it stopping, Craig grabbed Natalie and vacated the house by 11:00 that morning with Craig dropping Natalie at his mother's house before he went to his select basketball try-outs.  By 5:00 that afternoon when Craig came home, I was in the fetal position on the floor of the bathroom making my peace with God because I was sure that I wouldn't be living through the night.

It was that bad.

Thank goodness for CVS - Craig was able to buy me some anti-nausea and stomach flu medicine which knocked me out fora  good two hours and allowed me some much needed sleep.  Natalie stayed the night at my mother-in-laws house because we were certain that she did not need to get the germs BACK from me.  I spent all day Monday at home in my bed curled up with my two pups, unable to get up and move around much at all.  I was looking forward to getting my baby girl back at home with me in the evening but unfortunately that was derailed when Craig came home early from track practice because he had caught my bug and had thrown up at school.

Sigh.

I filled him with medicine and we spent the night on the couch and on the bed watching television without our baby girl.  But even though we were missing her neither of us was in any condition to handle an active almost one-year-old.

I went back to work on Tuesday while Craig stayed home and recovered in bed with the pups.  We got Natalie back after school on Tuesday and I was so happy to see her.  Of course there was a little part of my brain that nagged at me "she hasn't seen you in two days, she's forgotten all about you."  But of course that wasn't the case and Craig and I both got lots of big hugs and love.

The rest of the week went by without any major incidents - we both had a track meet on Wednesday night and we all spent the last few nights just hanging out at home.  I guess we needed to lie low after the crazy start to the week.  I'm just thankful that we're all past this junk and we only have one more week until Spring Break!

No Light

First let me give a quick disclaimer before you read this post.

I AM OKAY.  CRAIG IS OKAY. 

WE ARE OKAY.

I've been sitting here working through my Bible Study homework for the week while listening to Florence and the Machine through my iTunes and there is one particular song with some very specific lyrics that have stopped me from being able to move on with my homework.

I had to write this image out of my head so that I can proceed.  This post isn't about what happened yesterday or last week - it's just a collection of conversations that Craig and I have had over the past year since Natalie was born, particularly when I was in a tough spot with the PPD last summer.

Okay.  Here we go.

"No Light, No Light"

Florence + the Machine

Off the Ceremonials album

Selected lyrics:

I was disappearing in plain sight
Heaven help me
I need to make it right
You want a revelation
You want to get right
But it's a conversation
I just can't have tonight

You want a revelation
Some kind of resolution
You are the revelation

No light, no light in your bright blue eyes
I never knew daylight could be so violent
A revelation in the light of day

You can't choose what stays and what fades away
And I'd do anything to make you stay

No light, no light
No light

Tell me what you want me to say
But would you leave me,
If I told you what I've done

And would you leave me
If I told you what I've become
'Cause it's so easy,
To sing it to a crowd
But it's so hard, my love
To say it to you, all alone

I just remember so many nights Craig and I had this very conversation.  He desperately wanted to know what was going through my brain and how he could help get it out and make it better.  But I was locked up.  I couldn't physically verbalize what was going on because I couldn't make sense of it in my own head.  And then there were the intrusive thoughts and visions that flitted their way into my consciousness.  No.  He could never know those things.  I was always so scared to say anything because I knew I would cry.  And if I started crying, there was a good chance that I would never, ever stop.  So I shut down and I got angry because for whatever reason, that was the only emotion that I could process.  The only one that felt safe.  If I lashed out my anger at everyone else then they wouldn't want to be near me and then they wouldn't figure out that I was a complete waste.  I didn't want to be near me.  I felt toxic - like I was polluting everything good and pure in my life, most of all my child and my husband.

It was an ugly place to live.

No.  Live isn't the right word.

It was an ugly place to exist.

We didn't LIVE during this time.  We were existing.  We were waking up in the morning, functioning through the day and going to bed at night.

That part in the song about leaving me if I told him what I'd done and what I'd become.  That was my biggest fear.  I knew I wasn't right, I knew that I wasn't giving him the life that he had signed up for.  I felt defective.  I felt that he deserved a proper wife and mother of his child.  I wanted him to be happy and I wasn't able to provide him any sort of happiness for a very long time.

There was a moment when we were giving Natalie a bath one night.  He was getting her out of the tub to dry her off and I ran into her bedroom for a nighttime diaper and her pajamas.  As I was walking through our bedroom to go back into the bedroom  I paused by the dresser, just out of sight of Craig and Natalie sitting on the floor by the tub.  I listened.  They were jabbering together.  They were happy.  And I wasn't there.  My breath caught in my throat and my heart raced.

They could live without me.  This is what it would be like if I wasn't here.  Happy.  Peaceful.  It would be better this way.

My thoughts went down the rabbit hole.  The two of them selling the house, living in a little condo with the pups.  Craig trying to figure out how to put her hair into a ponytail for her first basketball game.  Helping her pick out her prom dress, one that would make her look gorgeous.  Walking her down the aisle, whispering in her ear that he loved her.

And in none of these scenes was I present.  I wasn't dead, I just wasn't present.  Runaway maybe?

I was stuck in a place where I couldn't imagine climbing out of my dark hole and enjoying life with my family.  But despite the tears in my eyes and the rapid beating of my heart, I swallowed my anxiety and walked into the bathroom to rejoin my family.  I couldn't let him know what I had scene, what I had pictured.

But the whole year, I sorely underestimated him.  I also exhausted him, frustrated him, at times berated him, forced all my anger on him and pushed him away.

Oh my.  That was a tough thing to write.

But he stayed.  He put in the work to keep the home running and Natalie out of the way of my angry tornado.  He listened when I cried and forced me to get out of the house with my friends and have some fun.  He was patient, he was forgiving.......and forgiving........and forgiving.

He forgave me as the Lord forgives.  Instantaneously, without an apology and without expectation of receiving anything as compensation.  He saw through the anger I was spewing and looked at my heart and how broken I was.  He knows what to look for.  He's been broken too.

I am so thankful the Lord gave us one another to help with putting the pieces of each other back together.