Death of a Salesman, Part Deux

I'm done. I can't go through with this mental torture everytime I see this guy. I can't be running over to my friend's houses at 9:30 every night because I'm upset at the fact that I called him after our great lunch and he never returned my phone call. I am not a yo-yo, I am a person with feelings that doesn't deserve to be played with.

A few years ago, there was a book published that, before I read it, gave me nightmares.

He's Just Not That Into You

It's a hard reality to face. Yes, this guy is emailing and calling/texting every once in awhile. Yes, he invited me to lunch yesterday. Yes, we had dinner the other night. All of this could lead me to believe that he is in fact interested in me once again. But, if he REALLY was, I would know for sure. I wouldn't be hanging in this purgatory. I deserve better than that. I deserve someone telling me they want to be with me no matter what. Instead, what I'm getting with this guy is me desperately trying to "impress" him with funny comments and witty banter.

He said that once school started and volleyball season started, my personality changed - there were no more relaxed evenings, no more wild nights out, no more funny jokes. Well, volleyball season is over. My life has calmed down - I am more relaxed. My apartment is clean, my sense of humor is back. On one hand, he should want me back - I'm back to "normal." But on the other hand, being a teacher and a coach is part of who I am. Being stressed out is part of who I am. And if he can't handle that for two months out of the year, then he isn't really the guy for me. He never once was concerned about WHY my personality changed - stress, exhaustion, etc. I take that back - I came home tired from work one night and he made me soup and grilled cheese. And then later accused me of not caring about HIS feelings and only concentrating on mine. All he was concerned about was how my "personality change" affected HIS life. Which is ridiculous.

We were sitting at the bar the other night eating dinner and drinking a few beers and there was this weird guy sitting next to us. He happened to be the "body double" for Wentworth Miller of tv's Prison Break. Whatever. We all started talking and he asked about me and GS. We told him that we used to date, but it didn't work out. The faux Wentworth Miller asked why. GS answered "Ah...as long as we don't talk about why we broke up, we're fine hanging out together."

So, that should be my answer. I should realize that if a guy and I can't even have a rational discussion about BOTH of our feelings regarding the break up, then we really shouldn't be together - at all. And I should remind you that as soon as I began telling him how I felt during the relationship, he got all defensive and basically kicked me out of his apartment.

I guess there's my answer. If he's not willing to really listen to MY feelings then he's really not worth my time - any of it.

Right. I should delete his number from my phone - again. Unfortunately I can't delete it from my brain....

You can't take it all with you...

I'm not a light packer. I take a huge duffel bag for a weekend trip. I am the girl with the overflowing purse that could fit a small child. I carried a 50 pound bag around Europe for 12 days and still thought I hadn't brought enough clothes. The phrase "Don't leave home without it" applies to me. I don't leave home without EVERYTHING. My packing philosophy is borrowed from the Boy Scouts. I am always prepared for every possible clothing situation. I like options.

Luckily, I have worked hard to unpack the baggage in my emotional life. I was carrying the weight of David and all that drama around with me for so long, until a good friend in college told me some very wise advice. I tried not to take TOO much relationship advice from her since she had been married two or three times and had yet to blow out the candles on her 30th birthday cake, but that's besides the point. She gave me a real gem on this particular subject.

Emotional baggage shouldn't be something that you carry around with you on a daily basis. It's something like an old trunk of stuff that you keep up in the attic and never think about. Once in awhile, you go up to the attic, rummage around in the trunk, throw out some stuff and reorganize. You shut the trunk up and don't go back there for awhile.

Baggage is not a bad thing. It's a necessary evil of life. Like bridesmaids and groomsmen hooking up after weddings. It's not always what you wanted to happen, but who doesn't get a little pleasure out of being accosted in an elevator?

Everyone has baggage and when entering a relationship, you have to be aware that your potential partner will have some. And it's not always pretty.

Baggage can come in many forms from "Mommy and Daddy Didn't Love Me Enough" to "I Gave Her My Heart and She Stomped On It." Anyway you shake it, if the person doesn't have their baggage locked up in their attic storage, run far away.

When I was little and we would return from a trip, it was always my job to unpack my suitcase and sort the clothes out for washing. I could never convince any other member of my family to do it for me. Same goes with emotional baggage. It's not anybody else's job to sift through your baggage. It wasn't my job to solve or cure David's Daddy baggage, his I'm Not Good Enough baggage, or his It's All My Parent's Divorce's Fault baggage. He was carrying the Louis Vuitton of luggage - the complete set. And, as is in real life, the cost was way to high for me to invest in that type of luggage.

I don't want to have to help any more guys to get to a better place in their life - whether it be emotionally, economically or job wise. I'm where I want to be and I deserve a guy that is in the same place. I've packed away my baggage from David, but it doesn't mean that I'll ever forget what he did or how he made me feel. It's that knowledge that has and will (hopefully) prevent me from falling into the same trap. The more I live on my own, the more I get over the "Desperately Seeking Parent's Approval" baggage. I live my life to make ME happy and satisfied. I still have the "Be Number One or Be Nothing" baggage - but I think that's just part of who I am and not necessarily something to be "dealt" with as the other two were.

Bottom line: I am relatively baggage free and I deserve the same from the person I'm in a relationship with.

Break Up Still On!

In every relationship there's always that awkward "here's your stuff back" meeting. I had that with my ex tonight. I went over there nervous and determined to set this relationship back on course...but then I was harshly reminded of why it ended.

And I left with a proud and satisfied smile on my face.

Let me give you the rundown...

The ex...let's call him "Girl Scout" or GS for short. (KLK will remember that one.) Right now, I just need to list out some grievances I had with him, since he so obviously did NOT want to listen to me talk about how he upset me...EVER.

- It was always about him: HIS friends, HIS time, HIS apartment. I would stay at HIS house and then get up and DRIVE 45 minutes to get to work at 7:30...fair? I think not. I compromised but he always came over to my place - grudgingly.

- He was sooo hard to commit to dates. Me: "Hey, let's hang out this week - what's your schedule like? I would really rather not wait until this weekend to see you." Him: "I don't know what my days are going to be like. I'll let you know." No. If you are with me and you WANT to be with me, then you will make the time to see me. Lesson numero uno that I learned from "He's Just Not That Into You" but that lesson is so much easier to see when it's in black and white print then when you're living it.

- If I got upset with some way that he treated me (most of the time, condescendingly) he would turn every grievance that I had towards him into some way that I had mistreated or not listened to him. I understand that he might not have always agreed with the way that I felt but that is never a reason to be rude to me and put me down. A little message to GS: grow up and realize that boys and girls are different for more reasons than whats in their pants. I deal with stuff differently, none of which is reason to make me feel terrible and bad about myself. You made me begin to doubt my own feelings and feel bad about being ME. Grandma would be so disappointed. And she wouldn't have liked you for it - even if you are an Aggie.

- The age difference between GS and myself? About two years calendar wise and one year in school. I am not a child. I do not deserve to be talked to like one. And no, you can't justify your actions by telling me that you're frustrated because you have to always repeat yourself to me. If you would make sense in the FIRST place, then there would be no communication problems.

- Hypocrite, hypocrite, hypocrite. Before you EVER begin talking about how self-centered I am, please...take a good LONG look in the mirror. It was always about how YOU felt and how I somehow should have changed my actions to more anticipate your ever changing needs. And on that note - you say you are a SIMPLE person? HA! A week alone in the Dr. Phil House with Dr. Phil himself couldn't get you figured out.

- Appreciate me. Don't put me down. I'm always up for a laugh at someone else's or my own expense. But there are times when I need to be validated. You wouldn't kick a dog when it's down so don't make me feel even crappier about my day then I already did. When a dog poops on the carpet and you yell at the dog - it knows what it did wrong. You don't need to rub the dog's nose in it. I am not a dog. Stop rubbing my nose in how I messed up during the day.

- You say I changed once school started. Are you seriously retarded?!? Of COURSE my personality is going to change - I went from sleeping in until 11:00 every day and the most difficult decision I made each day was which swimsuit to wear to the pool or lake. And you knocked me for not doing anything each day, but I think it's really because you were jealous. And don't remind me of the time that you said it did bother you that I was in a career path that wouldn't make much money...ever. Oh excuse me for being CONTENT with my purpose in life. I don't know what you have to prove with your fancy boat, big truck and even bigger ego - but it was all trying to cover up something you so desperately did NOT want people to see. And I have a feeling it was the personality that I witnessed. I love my job and you should have been proud of me for that.

- I got a tattoo on my hip: Passione, which is passion in Italian. It reminds me never to become what I became with you - a YES woman who tried so desperately to keep her man happy, when the truth was - you aren't man enough to recognize your own flaws. Or maybe I just didn't mean enough to you for you to try and compromise with me. And for that, I'm angry at you for letting things drag on to the point of me writing an entire blog about how there's something so WRONG with me that no one can love me. I will NEVER again allow someone to take my passion away from me. It's one of the things that I treasure the most about my Grandma and my mother and now that it's tatted on my body, I will never be without it.

I know that he's probably sitting there thinking about how I'll never change and what a controlling not-nice-person I am or whatever. I'd like to think that I think and see things pretty clearly. I would also like to think that I know myself better than he does. As do my friends.

And they all think you're not good enough for me.

And I agree.

Pound Puppy

I have decided to get a dog. After the demise of my last relationship, I have decided that I need something to love. I have a lot to give and I think that I'm good at it?! Maybe? Eh. Well, that's probably debatable.

Anyways.

I remember watching the almost straight to video "28 Days" with Sandra Bullock a long time ago. In it, she went to rehab and when she was about to be released they talked about healthy relationships. The people at rehab said that if recovering addicts shouldn't be in intimate relationships with other people for awhile after they leave. Addicts should get a houseplant and keep it alive for a year, and then, if they are successful, move on to a pet. And after a year of keeping a pet alive for a year, then they would be ready for an intimate relationship with a human.

This got me thinking.

Maybe I should get a pet and see if I can keep it alive for a year. And then maybe I'll be ready for a relationship? Who knows?

The truth of the matter is that my apartment is lonely at night and I would like something alive to snuggle up with. I think that a small dog would do the trick.

Once I decided on a dog, I got started looking on Petfinder.com for my new best friend. Scrolling through page after page of little puppies with that sad look in their eye started to get to me. In front of a coworker, I broke down in tears. I mean TEARS. The sobbing from the chest, whole body shaking, mascara smearing TEARS. My coworker responded to my cries of "Why doesn't anybody love them?" with a kind "It's not that nobody loves them, maybe they just couldn't take care of them."

It was then that I realized - I wasn't crying because of the dogs. I was crying because I felt like one OF those dogs. I feel like a puppy that no one could take care of or tame. And instead of investing the time and energy in working with the puppy, just dropped it off at the pound. I feel like the puppy that no one loved.

Is that not the most depressing thing ever?

And the funny thing is...I saw the boy on Tuesday evening at the big key exchange and you know what? NO TEARS. Our meeting was like something out of a very dramatic episode of Laguna Beach or The Hills or something. I half expected to hear an All American Rejects song or something like it playing in the background. But unfortunately, there were no cameras around and no one yelling "Cut!" It was all real life - a little TOO real. I didn't tell anyone at work that we had broken up. I think that I felt like if I didn't talk about it - it meant that it didn't really happen and it was all a dream. Thursday was the first time that I actually cried about the whole situation and I hated it for myself. I have spent too many wasted hours crying over stupid boys. But I truly had hoped that this boy wasn't going to turn out to be stupid. I really hoped that I wouldn't sabotage another relationship. And, yes, I know - it's not all my fault...but he always made me feel like it was. Like he could never do any wrong and I was always the one that was messing up. I guess, in the end, I really didn't like the condescending manner in which he spoke to me or how if he didn't feel like I should be upset about something then I was stupid or immature for being upset. I didn't expect him to always agree with my feelings, but I think that he should have at least understood that regardless of his opinion, my feelings were still valid. I feel like I'm going around and around in circles and completely losing the point.

Anyways...I'm getting a dog as soon as volleyball season is over. If it's a girl - she will be named Katie Scarlett after Scarlett O'Hara from Gone With The Wind --- my personal literary and film heroine. If it is a boy - he will be named Maverick after Tom Cruise's character in Top Gun --- my first love.

I'll keep you posted.

Another one bites the dust...

Against my better judgment, I got involved in a relationship at the beginning of July. It was against my better judgment for several reasons:

- My 6 months wasn't over and I wasn't sure if I was REALLY ready to get involved with someone again.

- He was my best friend's ex boyfriend from high school.

But, I forged ahead because we had such a good time together - always laughing and making fun of stuff. We went to the lake - he taught me how to wakeboard and then took me to the emergency room when I tore the muscle in my back. We watched a lot of movies and looked forward to Sunday nights because of Rock Of Love on VH1. He made me laugh and made me feel funny, smart and like a good person. He is tall, smart, athletic and funny. He has a big truck with a boat and a sense of adventure and fun.

So...why am I not with him anymore you ask?

As always - it's the attack of the three month curse. I can't seem to date anyone past 3 months. My longest relationship is a year and a half. That was in college with David. Out of all the people that I have dated, my longest, most involved relationship was also the most dysfunctional. I have dated great, nice guys (Justin and now Greg) but for some reason I can't make it work. I am really beginning to think that there is something seriously wrong with me. It's almost a joke with other people in my life. I'm tired of getting all excited about a guy only to have my hopes dashed in three months. Or maybe, it's like my friend Kate told me - every relationship goes through that re-evaluating time at 3 months in the beginning. Maybe I just haven't found someone who is worth keeping around past those three months. Maybe I haven't found someone that is worth the work to keep them past three months. But I truly thought that he could be that person. I bent over backward to try to make him happy, but for some reason I never felt like I was doing anything right. And maybe that's a sign that we shouldn't be together. Or maybe I was just trying to keep it altogether because I don't want to hear the "I told you so" from my friend. Maybe I felt like I had sacrificed so much (a 10 year long friendship) that I couldn't bear to know that I ruined that friendship for a guy that only lasted 3 months.

I really liked him. Well, I guess it's not really past tense yet - I still DO like him but I don't think it's going to work out.

I need someone to feel passionate about me. I want someone to love me like my friends and family love me. Yes, sometimes I can be a little crazy and neurotic and maybe even needy - but they look past it and see that I'm funny, smart, creative and fiercly loyal. And just love me for that. Once again, I am left with the overwhelming and devastating feeling that there is simply SO unlovable about me that I will never find true love. I want that type of love that's in the movies. I want that "Notebook" romance - I don't do anything in my life halfway and I refuse to be in a relationship where I feel that I'm being treated and felt about only halfway.

I just want to be loved, but I don't think I'll ever meet someone who is capable of loving me in the way that I feel I need to be loved.

Maybe I'll just get a dog - they provide unconditional love, right?

The Cheese's Least Wanted

Since I graduated college, I have been forming a little list in my head of people NOT to date. This list includes...

- Fraternity boys, or college guys in general
- Waiters
- Guys that never went to college, or didn't finish
- Anyone under 6'2, which limits my possibilities, but it is important to me

And now I can add another one to the list: BARTENDERS

Yes, yes, I know - this should be a given. But...I like to learn through experience.

Hot bartenders are like animals in the zoo - they're fun to look at and to flirt with, and in my case - a necessity for life, but ultimately, they need to stay in their cage, aka behind the bar.

Random

I made a mistake yesterday. I took a nap around 5:00 and therefore had an incredibly difficult time falling asleep, which is probably why I heard the unmistakable sound of my cell phone notifying me of an incoming text message. Please keep in mind that it's about 1:45 in the AM. I'm thinking that it's just one of my friends whose a little drunk wanting to tell me that they love me. You know how it goes.

Not so much.

This is the text that I received:

"What u doing i think i m getting married"

It was from the dreaded David. You know - emotionally retarded, alchoholic, cokehead, abusive...YAY! I love hearing from him at two in the morning. It takes me back to those wonderful nights when he would show up at my apartment drunk at two or three in the morning, banging on the window, demanding for me to let him in so that he could completely berate me and leave me in a panic attack.

Let me relay the text conversation for you.

DP: What u doing i think i m getting married

LC: Please leave me alone

DP: U called me last i was rude sorry just being nice wondering wat u up 2
* I had called him a few weeks ago asking him to STOP GIVING MY PHONE NUMBER TO THE CREDITING AGENCIES that were looking for him.

LC: Trying to sleep

DP: Sorry good night!

LC: Thank you. I will say a prayer for you "wife" because she will need it
* Tacky, I know...but I had to get it in there somehow. I do not wish him upon ANY woman.

DP: No i need it, as of now i m walking out

LC: Arent we a little old for drama at two in the morning?

DP: I m trin 2 be friends

And I'm out at this point. Dunzo. Turned my phone on silent, shook my head and went to sleep. Should I have even responded to his first text? Probably not. But, sadly, whenever I think about him, or hear from him, or see his picture, I still have some anger towards him. I still want him to hurt as badly as I did when we were together. I want him to know what it felt like for me to be curled in a corner of my bathroom, sobbing, after he told me that "Even if I put a ring on a girl's finger, it doesn't mean it will be forever. My fraternity brothers will be there forever." Ouch. And at the time that he said this, we had been together for a year and a half already.

Oh. And I found out later that he was drunk and high on cocaine at the time. And at work. Can you say WINNER?

Cooking Lesson

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times.

I have met the man of my dreams.

Unfortunately, all the characteristics about him that I love about this man are scattered throughout the many boys and the few men that I have dated.

Creating the man that I want to spend the rest of my life is like concocting an extremely difficult recipe.

Well, actually ANY recipe is extremely difficult for me. I had to call my mom and get directions on how to make grilled cheese sandwiches. No joke.

Anyways...here's the rundown on the boys...
David P: 6'4 and about 200 pounds of muscle and athleticism. Beautiful.
David B: Intelligence combined with ambition, as well as nice paychecks. (Shallow, but necessary)
Barry M and Quint M: Good Ol' Boy mentality. Perfectly comfortable grilling out by the lake, listening to Texas Country and playing football in the water.
Justin C: Good Catholic boy with manners who dotes on his mother and grandmother. My mother loved him. I believe that she had actually been planning the wedding since she placed us in the same Religious Education class in 9th grade.
Jordan H: Die hard liberal with a scathing sarcastic streak.
Zane W: Ahh. The illusive Aussie. Incredibly outgoing and free spirited, with a hint of habitual ADD. Always got us into bars and other establishments in downtown Ft. Worth ahead of the line and for free.

Listing out all the qualities about these guys that I loved makes me miss them...so in the effort of NOT contacting ex-boyfriends, I will list the qualities that were the deal breaker for me.

David P: Obsessive, alcoholic, abusive, emotionally immature. Need I say more?
David B: Too emotionally independent and uptight.
Barry M: Ambition? Never heard of the word.
Quint M: Radically different religious views.
Justin C: Everything was perfect with him...except there was no passion. I need passion and he couldn't deliver.
Jordan H: A great summer fling and then back to being friends.
Zane W: Ditto with Barry.

Please do not think poorly of these men, (except David P - feel free to get out your voodoo dolls) because with many of them...I think that it was just poor timing of where they and I were at in our individual lives. Thus creating a reason why it was never going to work out. I don't truly think that any of them are bad people or anything like that. I believe that finding "true love" is a combination of the right person at the right time. If I had met and dated these people at different times in our own lives, then quite possibly it could have worked out. But it wasn't and it didn't. I never repeated a grade in school and I apply the same attitude towards dating. If it didn't work out the first time, it won't work out...EVER.

Blah

Well, I'm beginning my fourth week of this little experiment of mine and things are definitely getting easier. It also helps that there was a severe lack of good looking men in the Uptown/Addison area last night.

I ran into some guys that I went to college with and who were in the same fraternity as my most significant ex-boyfriend.

The dreaded David.

He and I met at the beginning of our junior year of college and we dated for about a year and a half. When things were good, they were very, very good. But when things were bad, it was hell. In the end, I had to c0me to the realization that he loved alcohol more than me and that was a fact that was never going to change. In essence, I couldn't change him, I couldn't make him realize the kind of man that he could have been, I couldn't fight for his success more than he was fighting.

Anyways. It's been over for two years. My life has gone on. I've become a successful independent person. And, according to his fraternity brothers, he is still doing the same old thing. Drinking and becoming belligerent and alienating everyone close to him. Awesome. It's just sad. I put so much time and effort into trying to make him better and it was all for nothing. He's exactly the same. I put my entire self on hold for him. I wrote his papers. I should really have two degrees - education and kineisiology. How many nights did I wake up to and deal with his drunken rages on the phone or outside of my apartment window? I forgave him and gave him a second chance after he punched holes in my walls. And still, he didn't figure it out. At the end of the relationship I was devastated at the fact that I had really gone through all that hell with him. But, I held on to the fact that maybe I had saved another girl from the destruction that Drunken Hurricane David could produce. Apparently, I was very wrong.

It sucks that I had to go through this relationship because, although it will be two years in May that we broke up, I am still feeling the effects of the dysfunctional relationship that I had with him. I don't want to sit here and blame him for my lack of success with men since him, but at the same time...he really did some damage to my general outlook on and expectations of men and relationships. Thus, here I am taking six months off and blogging about it.

I'm not going to sit here and lie - being alone sucks. Especially when I look on myspace or facebook and I see pictures of my peers having weddings, going on trips with significant others and other stuff like that. They all look so damn happy. It's the little things that I feel like I'm missing out on. Do you know how tough it is to carry a trunk full of groceries up three flights of stairs? A couple weeks ago I was having horrible back pain and had to get an MRI. I went home to my apartment after my doctor's appointment, dreading the upcoming MRI and I had no one to be concerned about me. Obviously, I had my parents, my family and my friends...but as much as they love me...it's just not the same.