Advice

There is a whole slew of well-meaning parenting advice out in bookstores, on the internet, as a guest on Oprah and down the street from your neighbor.  EVERYONE has an opinion on how to raise your child and unfortunately, how you should be raising your child.  As Natalie is moving from her infant stage to a full fledged toddler I'm trying to let go of the trees and embrace the forest.  I need to get past the minuscule parenting decisions that are fogging up my vision and focus on the greater goal for my daughter.

So what parenting advice do I listen to, take to heart and apply to my child and family?  For me, it has to be easy to remember - a mantra of some sort.  Something that I can replay over and over in my head, especially on those days (or nights like last evening) when she is testing boundaries and exerting her independence.  I need something to keep my focus on that BIG picture.

While I was home with Natalie on maternity leave while I was nursing her and playing games on the internet, I would listen to my friend Jennifer's parenting seminars that she and her husband put on through their church.  Although I wasn't able to attend the class and appreciate the full extent of their teaching, the information and perspective I gained from their words and insight were incredibly valuable.  The main piece of advice that I took away?

Don't parent to get through the day.  Parent to get through the next eighteen years.

Craig and I always have to keep our eye on the prize.  We want to raise a functioning, compassionate, productive, vivacious, intelligent and contributing adult member of society.  One who understands needs versus wants, shows genuine generosity and empathy towards others and makes a positive impact on the lives around hers.  In order to do that we must always be diligent in asking ourselves - is this parenting decision going to help or hinder us on our journey towards Natalie's adulthood.  Sure, giving her that candy bar she's begging for in the line at Target might be easier in the here and now but is it going to teach her the lesson of patience, rewards and consequences as well as the value of money?  Parenting isn't about the easy way out and more often than not the road to adulthood will be fraught with tough decisions, difficult moments and pure exhaustion.  But we owe it to our daughter to provide the framework for her future and to give her the necessary skills to survive and thrive on her own.  

Don't try to raise a good child.  Raise a God-following adult.

This little gem I found this morning courtesy off a link through Kelly's Korner to Lysa TerKeurst and I actually had to sit back and quietly absorb these words.  What a revelation!  Going back to Jen's words above, during her parenting seminar she touched on the idea of a "God-following adult" and how in order to truly follow the will of God, one must be taught obedience at a young age.  Children can sing the songs about how God and Jesus love them but do they really grasp the concept of following the will of God?  Not quite.  But they do understand that when Mommy or Daddy asks them to do or not do something, they must be obedient or there will be a negative consequence.  Training them to accept an authoritative figure at a young age will teach them to accept the love, grace, and expectations of a much higher figure later on in life.

I say "expectations" and all I mean is a life spent fleeing from sin and clinging to the word of God while simultaneously following in the footsteps and teachings of Jesus.

So as we enter the stage of "No!" followed by a temper tantrum I will hold onto these words and repeat them often.  If Natalie is anything like her mother or father, she will be independent, enthusiastic and stubborn but hopefully we will be able to nurture these gifts throughout the course of her life so that they become not detriments but stepping stones that lead her to full realization of her potential.

House Rules - Technology

I'm six months into this "mommyhood" gig but I really don't feel like I'm a PARENT yet because Natalie is still a little bitty and all she has needed up until this point is love, hugs and cuddles.  Craig and I have talked.....okay, I have talked and he has listened......about different rules and expectations we have for our children in our home.  Here are a few.

Technology: In my school district there is a new policy being instituted that allows all students to bring any sort of technology into the school building to use during the course of their day.  I'm on the fence about this new policy because on one side having a laptop available to take notes on during a difficult lecture in high school is a great idea, but on the other hand I think that there is a greater risk of cyber abuse and bullying.  In addition - what about those families who, as a family rule, limit the amount of time that a child can use technology or don't have iPads to send to school with their child or who don't trust their children (or the other children in the school) to handle high priced technology appropriately?  Okay.  Rant over.  Luckily, my principal is not diving into this headfirst without testing the waters.  He is proceeding slowly, carefully and deliberately by assessing the needs of the classroom, the expectations of the teachers and the concerns of the parents before making any major policy change regarding technology at our school.  One thing that I know is that Natalie will definitely not be one of the students who will be bringing her iPad or whatever is the "cool" thing when she is in middle school.  Now to the rules and expectations:

- No television in the bedrooms.  In our current house although the spare bedrooms are on the small side, there is a huge loft/playroom area upstairs that will be perfect for slumber parties, movies and spreading out lots of toys.  The best part about this room is that I can sit on my bed in the master bedroom and see what is showing on the television against the playroom wall.  That way I know what my kids are watching AND if they turn off the television when they are supposed to.  I had a tv in my room when I was in high school and nothing good came of it because every night I was up way too late watching Conan O'Brien. 

- Cell phones spend the night in the my room.  Teenagers text incessantly and nothing good every happens after bedtime, especially when you're in middle and high school.  Our plan is to have our children's cell phone chargers stay in our room or bathroom and every night before bedtime they will turn them into us to be charged and then receive them back in the morning.  And I'll be honest - if I suspect that something is amiss in my child's life, I will have no problem searching through her call and text records to see what is going on.  When I was in high school I received my first cell phone and my parents paid the bill but if I were to go over my monthly minutes (this was way before unlimited plans and texting) I had to pay the extra.  I have no problem instituting that with our children and I can assure you that they will have the most basic of phones - unless they want to pay for the cooler one themselves.

- All computer screens must be visible to the rest of the family.  If we are to stay in our current house (which I don't see a reason why we would move - I love our house, our location and our neighborhood) once Natalie is in elementary school we will convert what is right now the baseball card selling room that should be the formal dining room into a study/library.  I would love to paint the room, get a new light fixture, place a rug on the floor with a cozy lamp and chaise lounge as well as a computer desk or armoire.  This room is right off the kitchen so I envision that this is where homework would be completed in the afternoons while I am cooking dinner so that I can monitor progress as well as help on any problems.  I would like to have a stationary family computer in this room so that I could leave my school laptop at school and have all my family photos and documents in one place in our home.  I don't believe that there is any need for a child to have a laptop or computer in their room where an adult can't monitor the content that the child is exploring.  AND....if I hold my child to that standard, Craig and I as parents must set the example and hold ourselves to that standard as well.

- No handheld devices at the dinner table.  A few years ago I accompanied Craig on a Team Texas basketball tournament trip to San Antonio and one night while we were there a large group of players and parents went out to dinner at a fun Mexican restaurant.  Craig and I sat with another coach and his wife while next to us was a large table of parents at one end and their daughters at the other.  One end of the table was full of laughter, chatter and storytelling while the other end was completely silent except for the occasional BEEP that signaled a new text message had been received.  Guess which group sat at which end.  It made me so sad to see teenagers unable to communicate with their peers face-to-face.  How ridiculous that they can't manage to go an hour without texting or IMing one another.  That is not the image I have of dinners with my family.  Dinner is a time for sharing about everyone's day, telling stories and discussing important topics - even just with the two of us I still ask Craig every night at dinner "did anything interesting happen today?"  That's the way it was when I was growing up - we almost always had dinner together and oftentimes all televisions were turned off and the general rule was that the phone was not answered during dinner.  Of course this means that Craig and I will have to be diligent in ignoring our own technology devices while eating dinner with our kids which will be hard but at the same time, I think it will be what is best for our family as a unit.

Okay.  I didn't think that I would have so much to expain and think about just with technology....and by the time that she is old enough to use technology, who knows what kind of stuff will be out there!  I guess I'll have to continue on with rules regarding other aspects of our family life in a different post!

There's always a loophole

The first few days of my dating experiment went well. I have managed to adhere to all the rules and regulations that I posted earlier. Of course, it was pretty easy to do judging from the fact that every day, I woke up and went to work and then coached and came home and watched American Idol or something similar. I encountered my first major tempation last night at a birthday celebration at a local restaurant/bar. I went with some people from work and I was having a delightful time - some dinner, some drinks, some dancing and some good conversation.

And then he walked by. All 6'7" of him.

It was like being in the middle of the ocean and dying of thirst, yet there was only salt water to drink.

But back to the story. He was pretty, with a good build and definitely checking me out. I come to find out through later events that he is a professional baseball player.

*Please be advised that I have and still am suffering from an addiction to athletes, especially successful ones.

What is a girl to do? Well, he did get my number, but never called...which I think is probably better for my life in the long run.

It was an ego booster - it showed me that I don't have to pursue the men...in time, the right one will chase after me.

No Boys Allowed

To be the cheese means to stand alone, in all meanings of the word. All the girlfriends I have are either married or in committed relationships and I'm still guy hopping at the bar, and subsequently finding myself in a stream of meaningless, dead-end, dating relationships. I'm tired of unfulfilling interactions. I'm tired of wasting my time and I'm tired of the roller coaster of up and down emotions brought on by the initial excitement and then eventual let down of every guy. I've gotten motion sickness and I'm getting off the ride.

Thus my 6 month sabbatical from dating.

Men and relationships in my life have been like fast food. Quick, easy and good on the first bite, but always you a little sick and bloated a few hours later. In short, I'm on a dating diet.

So, I'll be standing alone for the next six months. Although I've lived on my own for a year, I've always had a guy to put together furniture and fix the DVD player. But, it's time that I suck it up and figure out how to hook up the machine myself. Unfortunately, unlike my DVD player, I have no user's manual for the next six months of my life. And since bets are being made on my success (or more accurately, my demise) I feel I should set some ground rules:

1) No blind dates, no getting set up, no group dates, no dates with ex's of any kind. I may go out IN a group with men, as long as there is no romantical interest
2) No physical activities
3) No picking up guys at bars. This is hard; it's so satisfying to bait a guys attention and reel him in. But all I've caught lately is a bunch o minnows.
4) Friendships are the key - I will develop friendships with men and allow them the opportunity to earn my trust and companionship.
5) Men will NOT e the major focus of my life - I have plenty of beautiful and fabulous friends to entertain me, as well as the gym and pool to keep me busy.

**I reserve the right to modify these rules at ANY time as long as it is in the interest of my six month campaign.

The bottom line of WHY I'm doing this, to answer all the open mouth stares I've received, is to truly become happy with myself and being alone by myself. And when I have successfully acheived that, I believe that I will be able to pass by the minnows and find the real catch.