Back to school...

I know.  It's July.  And not even the end of July.  But regardless, the "Back to School" section is set up in Target and the clothing commercials are starting to infiltrate my nightly television shows so...here we go.  This fall will be the start of my ninth year in the classroom and I feel like I've gained some sort of wisdom throughout my career.  My personal philosophy towards teaching and educating kids can come down to a few things - hold them to high expectations and teach them how to climb, while still treating them with kindness, dignity and above all, providing ample amounts of grace.  Children are in school for a reason - they are in the process of learning everything they need to know in order to become a fully functioning adult.  Part of these lessons include academics, homework and testing while a whole host of important stuff is intangible - how to treat others, setting personal goals, time-management and overcoming obstacles.  My job is to teach all of this, some through planned lessons and others through how I live my life.  Here are just a few insights into the world of education and children that I think can be helpful or useful to parents.

1. It's all about the JOURNEY and not the destination.

Education in the United States is changing.  Gone are the days when students are simply asked to read, memorize and regurgitate information because we do not need a nation of citizens that can JUST quote the Preamble to the Constitution.  No, instead we need citizens who can break down the words and phrases used, understand their context in history and then apply that meaning to the current state of our nation.  This is where education is moving because our students have access to a limitless amount of information at the click of a mouse or the tap of an app.  So instead of teaching them facts and figures we must teach them to interpret those facts and figures in a way that can benefit humanity in the future.

So how is this going to affect your student?  First of all, assignments and grading are going to change.  Your child's teacher is not going to just be assessing their knowledge, but how they came to gain that knowledge and how they plan on applying it.  We must teach our children how to be faced with a problem or dilemma and then provide them with tools and a path to solve it.  And more than that, students (and their parents!) must understand that learning is a process and just like riding a bike there will be times when a child falls down.  THIS IS OKAY.  The more important thing than just learning how to balance and pedal is having the fortitude to get back on the bike, fix any mistakes and figure out how to get going in the right direction.  A failed assignment or constructive criticism from a teacher is not the end of the world, but instead an opportunity to build determination and endurability by getting back on the proverbial bike.

Secondly, when assessing students' knowledge, any teacher worth their salt understands the power of a varied curriculum.  In every school and in every classroom there are students that just want to do the review, take the test and then move on to the next subject.  And there is nothing wrong with that type of learner.  But then there are also those students who crave the ability to create, design and present.  Assessments must reach both types of learners and therefore, both tests and projects are integral in the modern-day classroom.  Teachers also understand the importance of providing students the opportunity to develop character traits such as determination, attention to detail, focus and conflict resolution.  Large scale projects first aim to demonstrate a students knowledge on a subject but the offshoot is that the student also gains important life skills by working through the process of creating the final product.  So please, please, please...let your students do they work they are assigned because if you do it for them you are robbing them of the opportunity to grow not just academically but emotionally and cognitively.  Some of the moments I love most in the classroom is when I hand back the grades from a large project and there are those students that are on pins and needles, hoping that all their hard work paid off....and when I give them back that A+ a grin spreads across their face, an enthusiastic "yes!" escapes their lips and sometimes there are even fist bumps and squeals.  In that moment I know that my student didn't just demonstrate their learning but they have achieved the purest form of self-esteem - pride and satisfaction with a job well done.  Allow your student to work through this new (and sometimes confusing) process of learning because no matter the size of the step, it is there for a reason - to hopefully develop your child into a critically-thinking lifelong learner who will go on to have a positive effect on the world.


2. Ask the right questions.

We all know the 'W' questions that come with every invitation - the who, the what, the when and the where.  These are simple, basic and easy to Google questions that will provide a baseline of knowledge for you child.  But in this new world of education, answering those questions is not enough anymore.  Getting back to the earlier example of the Preamble, a student must know WHO wrote it, WHAT does it say and WHEN and WHERE was it written before they can dig deeper and use this knowledge in a more meaningful way.

But what does "meaningful" even mean? To keep it short, it's the HOW and the WHY.  How do we know that this document is important and why do we need to understand what it says and the value of those words?  So when your student is coming home with homework, be prepared to help them understand the information by guiding them through it.  Guiding does not mean telling but instead it's providing the right materials while asking the right questions.

Of course you should also be prepared for questions to be thrown right back at you....and don't be afraid of saying very honestly, "I don't know."  I think it is important for kids to understand that adults don't know everything...as long as that "I don't know" is followed up with a "let's look it up" or a "let me think about it for a bit."  Don't just tell your child that education and learning are important, SHOW them that you value discovery, questioning and critical thinking.

3. Utilize your resources.

It's inevitable that at some point in the school year your child will come home with an assignment (most likely math) and you both will have absolutely no idea what to do.  First of all, don't blame your child for not paying attention and don't blame the teacher for not teaching.  In most middle and high schools, classes are only 45 minutes long and after checking homework and explaining a concept, there might not be too much time left over for questions and individual work time.  Also, your child is sitting through eight hours of instruction during the day - that's about eight different teachers setting expectations, assigning homework and covering different concepts.  For the average middle school student that is VERY difficult to keep track of and often what they understood during 3rd period leaves them in a complete state of confusion at 5:00 while sitting at the dinner table working on homework.

So what do you do?  In an effort to save everyone's sanity, try not to argue, accuse or get frustrated but instead use the tools you have...and these days there are far more resources to find answers than just the back of the textbook.  First stop for many middle and high schoolers should be to the Kahn Academy where you will find clear, concise videos explaining any number of topics ranging from the Boston Tea Party to the correct use of transitory verbs or how to simplify a fraction.  For the younger students sign up for a free account on BlogLovin and use the search engine to find grade or subject specific teacher blogs that might provide extra information or even links to solid educational websites.  Just be thorough in your investigation of internet resources - if your gut tells you it's not a legit site that's going to help your student learn, then find one that gives you the warm fuzzies.

Using resources like these doesn't mean that the teacher isn't instructing properly or that your student isn't paying attention...it just means that perhaps something is getting lost in translation and your child might need a different explanation than what he or she is getting in the classroom.  I teach math the way it makes sense to me and I encourage my students to try it my way first, but if they continue to struggle and the examples or explanations I am giving them aren't making sense, why should that student sit there and feel stupid?  The more important thing is that the understand the concept and it really doesn't matter where the instruction is coming from, whether it's the teacher, an older sibling or even a video on the internet.


4. Keep it all in perspective.

Children, especially teenagers, are very emotional creatures with an extremely limited view of the world.  They are inherently selfish and often struggle to see the big picture or put themselves in the shoes of others.  Bear this in mind when listening to the recaps of your child's day and remember that you are hearing things through the lens of a teenager without a fully developed brain.  This does not render their feelings unimportant but instead allows you to take a step back, gain focus and then get a fuller glimpse into their day.  Like my mother always said, there are three sides to a story - yours, theirs and the truth.  So when your child complains about that mean, nasty teacher that didn't let them turn in their homework, or that girl who was so rude to them at lunch for no apparent reason...try to ask questions that will give you a wider lens of what really happened.  "What were the teacher's expectations?  How did you fulfill them?  Is there any way you can resolve this issue?"  or  "Is this girl a friend of yours?  What was your previous interaction like?  How do you think you'll handle things from here?"  No accusations, no picking sides....and I've found that the more open-ended and casual questions you give to a teenager, the more information you will receive in return.  (And another hint - ask the hard hitting questions while driving in the car, washing the dishes or taking the dog for a walk because teens do better communicating the tough stuff when they aren't sitting face-to-face interrogation style.)  Then with a better picture of what is going on, decide whether or not this situation needs adult intervention from the teacher or an administrator.

Which leads me to this...

5. Please...use honey and not vinegar.

Keep in mind when contacting your student's teacher whether by email or telephone that there is a real live person on the other end.  One that most likely works tirelessly to try and provide your student with the best education possible on a very menial budget and with few benefits.  If you have a question about your child's experience in the classroom or a grade that has been earned (because yes, they are earned and not given) please remember to use your honey voice and not vinegar.  Approach your email as a simple inquiry - you're just trying to get a full picture of what is going on, as opposed to a personal attack on the teacher's character and competency in the classroom.  It doesn't matter how long a teacher has been in the classroom, when an email from a parent pops up in the inbox, her stomach starts doing flip-flops...yikes, what have I done now?  Wearing your heart on your sleeve and infusing every ounce of your being into creating a safe and inspiring learning environment for children is at the core of every teacher.  We teach because we love learning and we love making an impact on children.  We care about our communities and the future of our world so much that we are training the next generation of people that will inherit it.  For the most part, the teacher is not the enemy - the teacher and parent share the same goal, which is for the child to be successful both in and out of the classroom.

And you know what's even better than you writing an email?  Empowering your child to approach the teacher.  Most teachers I know are available in their classrooms both before and after school and are more than happy to sit down with a child to discuss a project, test or daily grade.  For a lot of children the idea of approaching their teacher with a concern is absolutely terrifying but so is interviewing for a job or making a presentation to your superiors.  To be honest, there are still times I get nervous when I have to meet with my principal!  But the fact remains, children have the ability to surprise you with their maturity, strength and ingenuity when you give them the opportunity to stand on their own.  Give your children the tools to be successful and then allow them to branch out and speak up for themselves.

Toddlers and Technology

My school district is in the midst of a complete curriculum and philosophical overdrive in an effort to better prepare kids for their future careers but also to attract and engage every learner in the classroom.  As part of this new focus our district is slowly switching over to Apple products for both teachers and students to utilize for lesson planning, instruction, student discovery and assessment.  

But that's all pretty boring stuff so I'll get to the real reason I brought that up...

We now have two iPads in our house and when you combine that with a very curious two-year-old...there has to be some guidelines, expectations and consequences.  So this is kind of an outline that we've been implementing and using with Natalie as she gets older and more aware of the technology that is found in our everyday lives.

Let me first preface this by saying - Craig and I thought long and hard about introducing not only an iPad to Natalie, but even allowing her to watch television.  Up until her second birthday she really didn't even watch television (nor was she interested) and I was very adamant on the whole NO SCREEN TIME philosophy for her.  I wanted her to be able to play on her own without a piece of technology doing the entertaining.  So for the longest time even our cell phones were off limits (and honestly, they still are!) because I wanted her to understand the concept of waiting to be served food at a restaurant or being patient in the cart during grocery shopping.  So for Natalie to be allowed to play on the iPad is pretty hard for me because I desperately want to avoid that technozombie child.

First things first: KNOW YOUR SETTINGS

There are tons of ways to make your iPad "safe" for toddlers and big kids while they play which will make your life infinitely easier as well as give you some peace of mind.

*Disclaimer - I have ALL my apps in folders because I don't like clutter or messes, nor do I like using more than one screen.*

Go to your settings app and open it up - this is kind of like the "control panel" on a computer.

You want to click first on GENERAL then scroll down to RESTRICTIONS - this is the place where you will hold all the iPad power!

Go ahead and "Enable Restrictions" but don't forget to remember your passcode!

And on another note - all our Apple devices (iPads and phones) are LOCKED and must have a passcode entered before the device can be used.  Therefore when sneaky little hands get their paws on the device...it isn't much fun because they can't access anything!

There's a bunch of different settings and restrictions that you can change once you're into this section but I feel the MOST important is turning OFF the "In-App Purchases" so you can avoid being like these parents whose children ran up thousands of dollars with the "in-app purchase" feature of certain apps.

For the bigger kids who might be watching videos or playing games on the iPad, you can also customize the rating of the game or movie that you don't want them watching (nothing over PG, for example).  

Just beware that when you mess with ALL the restrictions it can sometimes rearrange your apps if you have them all in folders and then you have to spend time reorganizing them and putting them back in nice and neat little folders.  Obviously, I know from experience.  

Secondly: SET EXPECTATIONS AND FOLLOW THROUGH

In the very beginning of our iPad adventure I sat down with Natalie and had a long discussion (as long as you can have with a wiggly two-year-old) about the iPad and the responsibility that came along with it.  

It sounds much more serious than it really was, trust me.

What I really did was show her the basic skills needed - how to open her folder, click on the app and exit out when she was done.  

But more importantly, I looked right in her eye and said very seriously "These are the only games you can play.  If you open a game that is not in this folder, you will lose iPad privileges."

And then Craig and I STUCK.  TO.  IT.

The first few times she was allowed to play on the iPad she definitely tried to open up some of my other folders and she quickly learned that Momma and Daddy were not joking around.  And quite frankly, she also realized that our apps were just not as fun as hers because grown-up apps don't have Elmo, dancing monkeys or funny monsters.  

Of course when she lost her privilege of playing games, she pouted, cried and even stomped off but Craig and I held firm.  We put the iPad out of her reach and became a broken record to her pleas of "PAD!  PAD!  PAD!"  We repeated over and over in the calmest of voices, "You didn't follow the iPad rules so the iPad goes away.  If you want to be upset about this, please go to the stairs and come back when you've calmed down."  And from here I could go off on a tangent about discipline but I'm just going to stop and say this - for the most part, I have a fairly obedient child who wants to make her parents happy by doing the right thing, so this mantra works with her for the time being.

But now that we are several months into iPad territory I am able to let her play on the iPad on the mat in the bathroom while I am taking a shower and she knows her boundaries.  She understands that she has her special folder with that crazy Elmo, that dancing monkey and those funny monsters and that the rest of the iPad is generally off-limits.  

And lastly: TECHNOLOGY IS A PRIVILEGE

When children are very little their life is about cause and effect.  

What will happen when I build a huge tower and then knock it down?  

How many times will Momma pick up my sippy cup after I throw it to the ground?

If I throw a huge fit in the check-out line will I get that chocolate bar?  

What will Momma do if I pop out of bed twenty times after saying "night-night?"  

Although frustrating at times, this is very normal behavior and you can't really control the fact that kids are going to test the boundaries.

Remember Jurassic Park when the highly intelligent velociraptors were testing the different areas of the electric fence to find the weak spot where they could escape?  Yeah.  Little kids are JUST like that.  They're just little baby velociraptors.

But honestly, as parents and adults we cannot control the behavior they choose to have but we CAN control how we respond which will ultimately curb their behavior in the future.  If you give into that candy bar in the check-out line because of a temper tantrum the child has now learned that throwing a fit will get him what he wants.  

So how does this fit in with technology?  We use it as a reward or a treat for following directions and being sweet and respectful, not as a distraction from negative behavior.  It might be five o'clock on a Tuesday night and maybe Natalie has had a really great day so I praise her for all the great behaviors she showed during the day and allow her a little iPad time before dinner.  But if she's been fairly rotten and asks to play a game?  Nope.  Not going to happen.  I really think the key is putting it plainly to the child in cause and effect terms.  "This was the expectation, you did this so here is the reward or consequence."  Even the littles can understand this concept and hopefully by being clear in expectations and following through with consequences or rewards, you can change their behavior for the better in the future.

Sidenote: Love and Logic....best disciplinary strategies EVER.  Useful for both parents of all ages and for teachers.  It really focuses on setting expectations and then allowing the child to hold responsibility for their actions.  This mindset has made my classroom management such a breeze and I rarely ever raise my voice while teaching.  I can't say enough good things about their philosophy.

And in closing...

We don't have this technology and parenting thing completely figured out.  This is one area of raising Natalie that Craig and I feel we are totally in the dark about because it wasn't an issue our parents had to deal with when we were growing up.  I can't look back and tweak what my mother and father did with me and technology because all we had a VCR and a Nintendo.  And that was it.  (And it took a lot of convincing on my brother's part to even get those things!)  

Technology and young children is a wholly 21st century issue and I think as parents we have to be mindful of the impact technology can have on the cognitive, emotional and physical development of a child, both in positive and negative aspects.  But there are also some wonderful things that we can use technology for in this day and age - being able to keep in contact with distant friends and relatives, exploring the world outside our tiny little bubble in the suburbs and helping manage menial everyday tasks while simultaneously reducing disposable waste.

Like I tell my students when they are elected to be group leaders in class - with great power comes great responsibility.  We cannot give our children the great power of technology without handing them the expectations to use it responsibly and then holding them accountable.

And finally...make sure you get a good screen protector because little velociraptor hands are sticky, slimy and snotty.

A Call for Grace

Craig and I ran into an old friend of ours last night at the local sports bar while watching Game 7 of the NBA Finals. It had been awhile since she and I had gotten a chance to catch up and since we had last REALLY talked, many changes had occurred in her life. Changes that seem to be ultimately beneficial for all parties involved, but while in the process were extremely painful, shameful and destructive.  As with many little-big towns like the one we live in, I had heard rumors through the grapevine about everything that had happened...but like when dealing with middle school rumors, I believed only half of what I heard.  I figured that if she wanted me to know the story, she would fill me in but I owed her a listening ear and an unbiased heart.

As we sat at the table and cheered (and then groaned) our way through the basketball game, my friend turned to me and said something to the effect of "I thought you were disappointed in me or mad at me for what happened." I nearly spit out my beer. "Why on Earth would I be upset with you? You don't owe me an explanation or an apology.  That's between you and God...your forgiveness and reconciliation has nothing to do with me."  She immediately relaxed, smiled and mentioned that giving grace was one of her favorite qualities about me. I thanked her and tried to brush off her compliment with a remark about my own checkered and wildly sinful past while we refocused on the game. 

But my thoughts kept churning through the rest of the evening. 

Grace. I've been chewing on that word ever since Natalie was born. Our children must have boundaries, rules and expectations to live by in order to become productive members of society. But in order to be a compassionate and considerate person....they must also have a healthy dose of grace extended to them from the people who love them the most. 

But I think it's such a misunderstood word. Grace is not a free pass or revoking consequences. It is not blindly loving or wearing rose-colored glasses.  Extending grace doesn't mean condoning or supporting the negative behavior but it does mean acknowledging the frailty of the human condition, the fact that we are all sinners while providing an example of Jesus' most important command...love one another. 

The moment I extended grace to my old friend and shook my head at her concerns of my disapproval, I saw her spirit lift and her shoulders perk. I wasn't another person condemning her or brandishing her with the scarlet letter. I was another sinner struggling through my own misgivings and missteps saying "I will love you through this." 

And why should we extend grace to one another? Because it is the greatest gift that God gives to us everyday as we trip, stumble and fall along the path we are trying to walk with Jesus.  Every day as I speak too harshly and lose patience with Natalie, get frustrated and snap at my husband or envy the owner of the brand new Lexus down the street....God provides me with grace and forgiveness. If I want to truly be an example of how I was made in His image, I must afford those around me the same grace and forgiveness that He provides me. 

But also from a practical point of view, I also don't believe in kicking a dog when they are down serves any useful or productive purpose and I tried my best to demonstrate this with my athletes. After a loss, whether it be hard fought or an easy defeat.....my girls' faces were filled with disappointment, frustration and even shame. Berating them in the post game huddle would have squashed their burgeoning love for the game and made the entire season miserable for them and for me.  My job as their coach was not to yell at them and make them feel worse but instead to teach them how to pick themselves up and focus their eyes on the next game while figuring out how to avoid tripping in the future. Of course I would go home and vent and fume about the game to my husband, but it was never about the girls' performance....it was about what I could do as their leader to help them overcome the obstacles they faced. In order to get the best out of people they have to know you believe in them and that belief Is conveyed through grace. Period. 

And that is what I think we are called to do....not discourage one another from living a Christ-filled life by judgment and condemnation, but instead help our friends along the treacherous path of life through grace and encouragement. 

Working Momma

Come Monday morning, our beautiful two week vacation for the Christmas and New Year's holidays will be over and I will drop Natalie off at day-care and return to school.  Being a working mother is always a tightrope walk; trying to balance a long day of work full of responsibility with nurturing, parenting and loving a child into adulthood.....sometimes when you're absolutely wiped and devoid of any spare patience.

These are a few personal "rules" that I have institued into my own life in order to find some sort of workable balance that allows me to invest myself into the education of my students at school without neglecting my biggest responsibility - love Natalie and being her mother. 

Just a disclaimer - this works for ME as a teacher whose contract hours during a non-coaching season are from 8:15 until 4:15 but during that time in the day I am very scheduled with no real room for running errands or going to appointments.  Since I've never been in the corporate world, I can't specifically say how these would work on that level, but hopefully you will all be able to find something useful nonetheless.

1. When you're at work....do your work and when at home....BE at home.  It all goes back to what our teacher's told us during school - use your time wisely.  Do work at work so that when you get home, the computer can stay closed and you can spend time playing babies, trains and puzzles.  But for me it's more than just not bringing home tests to grade or creating lesson plans at 10:00 during Jon Stewart - it's the emotional aspect.  It's allowing a nasty email from a parent to weigh on my heart and mind which ultimately affects my mood and behavior at home with Natalie.  When we are together, Natalie deserves my loving attention and does not need to bear the brunt of my bad day at work - something that has nothing to do with her.

2. If possible, set a time limit and stick to it.  Even before I had a husband and child, I set this rule for myself - 5:00 was my usual deadline, with 5:30 if I had more papers or tests to grade.  I found that I worked more efficiently and productively if I imposed a time limit on myself by which I HAD to have a particular set of tasks completed.  It also helped me feel less overwhelmed by a large work load and instead with a time constraint I was able to focus and prioritize on what needed my immediate attention and what could be left until the next day.  Working repeatedly long hours wreaks havoc on your energy and psyche....and NO lesson plan or ungraded assignment is worth risking my mental health.

3. Plan ahead.  On Sundays Craig and I plan out our week - we sit down with the menu board and my planner and figure out what nights we will be home and what our commitments look like.  By doing this, I'm able to look forward and see when I will have to leave work early for a doctor's appointment or right at 4:25 to make it to Craig's basketball game on time.  This way I can more effectively manage my time at work and know when I need to have certain items prepared due to time constraints later in the week.  Sometimes parents get a bad rap at work because of the idea that we have to shirk duties due to an after school sports game or a sick child.  My thought process is that if I'm going to cut out early from work on one day, I better be making up for it some other time so that I am still being a functioning, competent and productive employee.

4. Designate a Family Night and make it a priority.  Sometimes between our school schedule, my personal volleyball league, Craig's select basketball practices and other social activities, our weekly calendar gets pretty jam-packed to the point where we haven't really talked until our heads hit the pillows.  Since MOST weeks our games and such are consistently on the same days, we are able to designate one certain evening as our Family Night.  Most of the time we don't do anything special - I cook a good meal, the television stays off for the most part and we sit up in the playroom and play babies, blocks, Legos, read books and pretty much whatever else Natalie wants us to do.  Even if you can't ensure that it's going to be the SAME night every week, try to pick one night a week where the outside world disappears and the only thing that matters are the people in your home.

5. Be flexible and enjoy the moment.  I'm definitely a person who revels in a schedule.  Bedtime with Natalie starts around 8:00 and involves jammies, putting her babies to bed, reading a book with Craig and then being rocked for about ten minutes before being placed in her crib.  And believe me....there are certainly days when we are counting down the minutes until we can kick off her bedtime routine just because it's been THAT kind of day.  But then there are the evenings when she is delightful and neither Craig nor myself are quite ready to put her to bed when 8:00 rolls around.  So we let her stay up a little later and enjoy her presence, forgetting the time and schedule.

Working and being a mother is always going to be tricky.  There will be sacrifice and there will be some sort of guilt.  But it can be done....and the family unit can thrive.

Dinnertime

Natalie might not be the greatest sleeper during the night and we might still have to employ the ten minutes of "cry-it-out" once she is placed in her crib.........but there is one thing that is NEVER a battle in our house.

Dinnertime.

Lunchtime.

Breakfast.

Snack.

None of it.

As Natalie's sitter Rebecca once said when I picked her up and she was still noshing on goldfish, "she's been eating for awhile, snack time is never really over for Natalie."

That's my girl.  Like mother (and father, quite frankly) like daughter.

I outgrew Happy Meals by the time I was in grade school and as a growing preteen I was out-eating my much older brother at dinnertime.  Full disclosure, I had a hyper-active thyroid condition in my youth along with a heart murmur plus plain old genetics which all led to me being taller than my 5'6 mother by the time I entered sixth grade.  My body was on a metabolic overdrive all the time which caused me to sprout up, be super skinny and eat everything in sight.

Now that I am quickly approaching thirty my metabolism has obviously slowed down and having a baby certainly hasn't helped things, I definitely have to be more mindful of what I eat as well as how much of it I consume.

But even though Natalie is naturally a great eater there still are things that Craig and I have tried to implement in order to ensure she continues to be one.

First and foremost, she eats what we eat.  If we are having a scheduled, pre-planned dinner then she will not be receiving her own specially cooked dinner.  I am not a short order cook.  Of course there are those nights when we pull out all the Tupperware containers from the kitchen and have a buffet where she can have whatever she wants but if I'm cooking....that's what she's eating, at least in some form.

We don't make a big deal out of trying new foods.  I try to put three things on her plate that I know she likes and maybe one new or unusual food just to see.  Sometimes she tries the new food and likes it but if she doesn't, I don't make a big production about her not being willing to try something different.  I offer and if she says "no" then I say okay and suggest she eat something that she does enjoy.  Last night was zucchini, tilapia and spaghetti with a homemade alfredo-type sauce.  I put a little bit of everything on her plate along with some raspberries and she ate everything except the pasta to which she kindly refused.  What more can you ask from a toddler?

We also don't worry if she doesn't eat much at dinner.  She is a toddler.  Their bodies are growing at different times which requires more (or less) food on any given day.  I want my dinner table to be a pleasant atmosphere so I refuse to battle an almost two-year-old over food.  If she isn't hungry at dinner, chances are she will be when she wakes up in the morning.  She will not starve.

People are not cows and therefore we do not graze.  Natalie eats breakfast, lunch and dinner......with an afternoon snack built in after her nap.  If she is starting to get a little restless before dinner then she can eat a cracker but I don't let the snack cabinet get raided anytime she throws a fit.  There is also no eating in the car, but that's just been ingrained into my head from years spent living with an autobody repairman.

Do not engage with the terrorist.  There will be those days.  OH.  There are DEFINITELY those days when I swear her head turns all the way around and she is about to projectile vomit on me.  Natalie obviously has her not-so-sweet moments but Craig and I try to remain calm at the dinner table.  If she wants to throw her food we just calmly say "I guess you are done eating" and remove the plate from in front of her before continuing with our conversation.  I give her a few moments to collect herself and then ask if she would like to keep eating.  Sometimes the answer is yes and other times it is no.  Either way, I don't let her know that her negative behavior has rattled me.  In the extreme case where Natalie is complete unruly and unmanageable either Craig or myself will remove her from the table and sit in time-out with her on the foot of the stairs.

And now with that all being said and put out into the universe, let's see karma come back and bite me in the butt.  Ha.

But in all reality, these are the expectations that Craig and I have decided work best for us in our home.  Mealtime is a chance to get together in the evenings and connect with one another about their day.  I enjoy eating dinner with both Natalie and Craig and we want to preserve the sanctity of the family meal in our home.  So far this set of guidelines has helped us navigate what can sometimes be treacherous territory when it comes to feeding a small child.

Play vs. Education

I am a teacher.  My husband is a teacher.

My mother taught preschool and religious education while my father was an auto body repair teacher.

Craig's mother taught second grade and his dad was a high school basketball coach.

My grandfather was a college professor while my grandma taught Italian to students travelling abroad.

With all the emphasis on learning and becoming an intelligent and educated person that runs in our family.......it is actually the least I'm focused on right now with Natalie.

I don't worry about teaching her the ABC song or making sure she can count to ten before her second birthday.  We don't practice writing her name or identifying her colors.

All that stuff can wait.

Right now I want her to learn obedience and to mind when Craig or I ask her to clean up her toys or stop petting the dogs.  I want her to feel free to play creatively and without boundaries.  I want her days to be spent running, jumping and building confidence in herself.  She needs to figure out relationships with other children and how to successively navigate group dynamics.

My philosophy is that at this point in time, her learning must be organic and child-led.  She needs to show us what she is interested in playing with and learning about.  Right now she loves all kinds of animals, pretending  to read books, taking care of her babies, cooking in her kitchen and building with blocks.  Sure, we can incorporate counting and vocabulary lessons into her play but it's just not one of my priorities.

This week Natalie and I have rocked babies to sleep, read countless stories and built block towers taller than her only to be knocked down by an excited toddler.  "Boom!" she cries as the blocks scatter across the floor.

Ultimately of course I want her to be a lifelong learner but I just don't think you create one of those by shoving academics down the throat at such a young age.  Both Craig and I are intelligent creatures and value a good education.  But I want her to be passionate about learning new information and I feel like pushing too much too early would do more harm than good in the long term.

There will be time for learning letters and figuring out addition and subtraction.

But it's not now.

Today we play and sing songs.  We build towers and shush our babies to sleep.  We will dance around the living room and play chase through the kitchen.  We will throw balls and pat puppy dogs.

We will cultivate her creativity, her confidence and her curiosity.

For the newbies...

1. Don't underestimate the power of a solo trip to Target.  The baby is fed and slumbering peacefully?  The hubs is resting on the couch flipping through sports?  GO.  TO.  TARGET.  Don't ask questions, don't think twice, just wave good-bye and zip on down the road.  Trust me on this.  Target is a safe haven.  While perusing the candle and other assorted home decor aisle, there will be a moment when you hear a baby wail from across the store and instead of your heartbeat picking up at the thought of having THAT crying child in the store, you will revel with relief in the fact that this one time - IT'S NOT YOURS.  You don't even have to buy anything, although if you have the will power to resist all the various and lovely sundries Target has to offer, I would gladly shake your hand in awe and admiration.  Just slow down when you're in there - pick up the books and read the back covers, close your eyes and inhale all the candles and don't forget to hit up home decor and talk yourself into that one teeny, tiny little piece of fabulousness that the shelf in your living room is just crying out to house.

2. No one is on their best behavior at 2:00 am.  Not you.  Not your husband.  And certainly not that bouncing bundle of joy that is awoken like an angry little monster begging to be fed, rocked, cuddled, snuggled, fed again and that finally falls asleep on your chest while you're sitting up against the pillows with the nightlight JUST out of the reach of your fingertips.  Ignore your husbands ignorance and insensitivity at this time.  Pray that he ignores yours as well.  Exhaustion plays tricks on your mind.  Words, phrases, statements and tone filtered through an exhausted mind can turn into insults, tirades, anger and venom.  Not to say that your thoughts and feelings (and the hubs as well) aren't important and that communication isn't vital to a healthy marital relationship and parenting partnership......but perhaps all grievances should be aired when one or both parties aren't drunk with exhaustion, fatigue and frustration.  So.......maybe when the child turns five?

3. Baby OxyClean.  Babies poop.  Frequently.  And although little tiny baby clothes are absolutely adorable, I just didn't have the budget to go out and replace every single outfit that my darling daughter had a blow out in.  Baby OxyClean has helped me to scrub poop, spit up, blackberries, more poop and even maybe a coffee stain or two out of my own clothes.  Spray it generously

4. Buy a portable baby swing.  There is a ton of crap throughout the aisles of Babies R Us, each item seemingly shouting "buy me or your baby will be stupid, sick and unsafe" at you, placing the fear of God (or the CPS) into your soul.  When they're really tiny, they don't need much and most of the larger items you can find at your local Goodwill or neighborhood garage sale (just check that it's in good condition and douse it in bleach when you get home).  One of the most lifesaving items that we were gifted at one of our showers was a basic portable baby swing.  Initially I was disappointed because it looked kind of lame and didn't have all the bells and whistles that the one on our registry had.  I sorely underestimated the intelligent design of a portable baby swing.  It's one o'clock and I haven't showered yet?  Just strap her in and carry that sucker into the bathroom and plop her in front of the glass door to my shower.  Natalie was kept entertained by the solo bright fish hanging down but yet still comforted by the fact that she could see Momma.  Most brilliant plan ever.

5. Repeat this phrase: "She will not graduate high school ______________________" and then fill in the blank with whatever newborn or baby activity is frustrating you at the moment.  For example, the most frequent one that came out of my lips was "waking up in the middle of the night for a bottle."  Or how about the "by crawling across the stage - she will learn to walk eventually."  And then you'll turn around one day and she'll by zooming down the hall screeching gleefully wearing only a diaper and slinging her sippy cup full of milk all across the tile and you'll think to yourself.........can you be tiny again?

6. Off Duty Hour.  There are articles and pictures on Pinterest out there that wax poetic about how a mother's job is never really done and how even though it's a 24 hour job, it's the most rewarding blah, blah, blah.  You know what?  There are some days that I am quite happy to plunk my child down into her daddy's lap for her night-night routine so that Momma can be off the clock.  I go into the bedroom, turn on the lamp and click over to Bravo to catch up on Real Housewives.  And I don't worry.  I don't feel guilty.  I don't stress.  I don't do much of anything.  8:30 is my off duty hour.  Whatever laundry or other household chore didn't get done during the day.........isn't getting done.  Sometimes I even have a glass of wine and read a book or blog.  Whatever it is that I'm doing, the most important thing is - I'm NOT doing anything for anyone else but instead doing something exactly for me.  It might sound a little selfish but I work very hard during the rest of my day and I'm just the type of person who has to have down time before bed in order to truly get a great night's sleep.

Chores

I used to joke with my parents that the only reason they decided to have children was to have free child labor.

Now I understand....it wasn't so much a joke as the absolute truth.

That's why we've decided that Natalie has been living off our paychecks for FAR too long and it's high time that she start pulling her weight around the house.

Just kidding.

Kind of.

But in all honesty, she isn't too young for chores and it's never too early to start teaching young children about helping with a generous heart and gracious attitude.  I want Natalie to learn that she is a contributing member of our household and there are tasks around the home that she must help perform in order to one day become a functioning member of society.

Now.  She's not out mowing the lawn (yet) or ironing my dress pants (that's next week) but there are plenty of small tasks that Craig and I have taught her how to do.  My hope is that if we start her on "chores" early enough, they will become part of her daily life and routine and she will never know a life without helping unload the dishwasher or hauling laundry up the stairs.

Granted, I'm not under any delusion that she'll always do these tasks with a wonderful attitude....but all that will matter is that the work is done, right?

Right.

So without further ado....Natalie's chore list, as of 20 months old.

- Pick up and put away toys in the play room.  Usually this action is accompanied by the Barney "Clean Up" song but she does a great job all on her own.  She knows where the blocks, Little People and kitchen stuff does and we hardly ever have to fight her to get things straightened up.

- Pick up and put away dirty clothes into the hamper. I tried this one out the other day out of sheer laziness.  I told her to pick up my socks and put them in the basket in my closet.......and she did.  So while I straightened up the bathroom and made the bed, she picked up all the dirty laundry lying around our bedroom and plopped them all in the hamper.

- Help load and unload the dishwasher.  This gets a little tricky and hard to manage because there are some sharp knives and breakable bowls that get washed in our dishwasher.  Luckily our kitchen isn't too big so there is always someone close by to help actively monitor the progress.  She is great at picking up HER dishes and the smaller plastic cups and Tupperware that won't break or get damaged by little hands.

- Help set the table for dinner.  This one started the other day and in a very limited and controlled setting.  She can put up butter knives, forks, her plastic plate and napkins......and that's about it.  But it does give her something to do while I'm finishing up the preparations for dinner.

- Put away Tupperware.  Her favorite and the absolute easiest task for her to complete.  Maybe it's because I'm lazy or possibly due to the fact that she's grown out of the "must get into every cabinet that I can" phase, but the Tupperware cabinet is totally unlocked at all times.  Since Craig and I both take our lunch to school every day, we accumulate TONS of dirty (and then clean) Tupperware throughout the week.  Natalie knows exactly where all the pieces go and she shuttles all the lids and bottoms to the cabinet.  Now let me go on record and say this - my Tupperware cabinet is NOT organized by any means, but I'll deal with a little bit of mess if it means that Natalie learns a new task and I have one task taken off my hands.

- Get out and put away dog food.  Our girl loves her puppies.  She also loves routines.  And one of those routines involves feeding the pups in the morning and the evening.  The dog food is kept in a Rubbermaid container with a spout on a lower shelf in the pantry.  She can go to the pantry, get the container off the shelf and carry it to me (or Craig) standing at the kitchen island.  Her job continues with picking the dog bowls off the ground and handing them to me and then returning the container after the food has been doled out.

- Clean up spills with towel.  This is one that I totally did not teach nor anticipate.  The other day when she spilled the tiniest bit of milk onto the floor, without provocation from Craig or myself, she ran into the kitchen, grabbed the towel hanging on the side of the sink and then ran back and wiped up her spill.  Craig and I just sat in stunned silence.  I'm not sure whether to be proud or terrified of her penchant for cleanliness and order.

- Wipe down the table after dinner.  Give her a Wet One and Natalie will go to town on the space in front of her chair after dinner is over.  She will also attempt to wipe her own face and hands, but she's not nearly as successful with that.

- Put trash into the garbage can.  Again.  This one originated out of laziness combined with the fact that Natalie is pretty adorable when she knows she did something good - she claps and cheers for herself.  Craig was the one that really got her going on trash detail this summer when he would be wrapping up his baseball card orders and he would have her pick up all his trash.

I'm really hoping that by putting this stuff out into the universe that karma isn't going to circle around and bite me in the butt by having my child boycott all helpfulness that I just seemingly bragged about.

And on the bragging note....I'm really not.  I'm just sharing with you stuff that we've found works for us with our daughter.  Most of these chores that she does started out by her showing an interest in and a desire to help us around the house.  And then from there, it was easier for me to engage her in the task than to try to keep her entertained in something else while I finished working.

Perhaps the overarching theme is that I want my daughter to feel productive, competent and successful.  But she won't learn how to encompass any of those traits without us as parents providing opportunities for her to try new things, carry responsibility and contribute to the family.

Toddler Terrorists

A lot of times when people ask me what grade and subject I teach, their eyes grow huge and they ask the inevitable question:

"How do you deal with middle school teenagers?"

I get that.  I do.  Out in the wild where I can't control them, I'm not a big fan of teenagers either.  They're loud, obnoxious and awkward.  But the good news is...that's pretty standard and normal behavior for their age.  We were ALL loud, obnoxious and awkward at that age.  Seeing teenagers out and about reminds me why I'm so glad I'm not in middle or high school anymore.

But in all honesty, when I am working with them at school, they are the least of my worries, problems, frustrations and concerns.

They just don't bother me that much.

When working with kids you have to keep things in perspective.  THEY  AREN'T ADULTS.  They do not have fully functioning brains to make rational decisions and to have a world view that does not focus on themselves and their own needs.  It's not that they're TRYING to be incorrigible and self-centered........that's the stage in development that they're at.  The terms "good" and "bad" get thrown around a lot with middle school students and I cringe when I hear kids being referred to as "bad."  That's just such a final verdict when the child isn't even fully grown yet.  Let's wait until they have a few convictions before we start labeling, no?  But in all seriousness, underneath all the bad attitude and disrespectful mouthiness..........most kids at their core are GOOD kids.  The "bad" kids are the ones that perhaps haven't been given a fair shake at life or haven't been set up for success by the habits and actions of their parents.  It's my job as an educator to cut through their "bad" facade and get to the good heart that lies beneath.

And most importantly, you can't take any of it personally.  Not the rolling of their eyes, the forgetting of gym clothes or homework, or even when they talk back.  It perplexes me when adults get so offended by the behavior of a teenager.  Frustrated I can understand, but offended?  They're just kids.  Half the time they truly don't know any better and isn't that kind of my job?  To point out their missteps and instruct them on appropriate behavior in an effort to guide them on their path to becoming an adult?!

There's a little disciplinary philosophy and program out there called Love and Logic and the basic tenets revolve around letting kids know that above everything else, they are cared for.........but that doesn't exclude them from suffering the natural consequences of their actions.  It takes the frustration of discipline out of the hands of the adults and places it squarely where it belongs - on the shoulders of the child.  Why should my good day be ruined because a preteen forgot his gym clothes or because she talked back?

For example, when a child forgets their gym clothes, the conversation usually goes something like this:

Child: I don't have my PE clothes.

Me: Okay.  You'll lose points for no clothes.  And after three no clothes days you'll get a detention.

Child:  Okay........

Me: Alright, go have a seat.

*Child looks at me out of the corner of their eye and shuffles off awkwardly.*

The child is expecting to be reprimanded.  It kind of throws them for a loop when their behavior doesn't get a reaction out of me.  As long as you have a good set of policies, expectations and consequences you just let nature take it's course and all the stress is off your shoulders.  The natural consequence is that they'll receive a lower grade and if their behavior continues they will be given a detention and then referral.  And NO child, "good" or "bad," wants to be hanging outside the coaching office at 8:00 in the morning when they could be talking with their friends in the cafeteria.

The sixth grade class this year as a whole was pretty "advanced" for their age socially and knew much more about the world (and not in a good way) than many of our 8th graders.  As a group, they sent the sixth grade teachers and administration for a loop - we just didn't know quite what to do with them since all our normal methods of discipline didn't really seem to work or sink in.  I quickly gave up on trying to bring them up to where I wanted expected them to be (where other sixth grade classes had started out) and instead met them where they were, grabbed their hand and pulled them along the path I needed them to follow.

But this one young lady was a bit of a conundrum.  She was outgoing but her actions spoke of underlying insecurities.  According to her classroom teachers, she was a nightmare - never doing any homework and failing the majority of her tests.  I saw her as funny and charismatic, but a little damaged.  As a general rule, I try to keep in mind that no matter how you slice it, being in middle school is tough and it's not my job to make their lives more difficult but instead to hopefully be a bright spot in an otherwise very dark day.  With this child I knew that she and I would have to come to some sort of understanding about her behavior since she started off the year insisting that she speak at the same exact moment as me.  I leveled with her one day and laid out all the cards - I listed my expectations, how she wasn't meeting them and what would happen if she continued on her behavioral path.  We had a "come to Jesus" meeting one might say.  I was also in charge of the Advisory period which was kind of like a big silent study hall where the kids were expected to be silent and work quietly on homework.  This was a struggle for this young lady.  Not that I blame her but her behavior did get to the point where there were office referrals involved.  After one referral, she brought down the pink slip from the office and said to me while getting dressed for PE, "Coach!  You got me in trouble again in Advisory!  Why do you hate me?"  Whoa there turbo.  Let's back this train up for a second.  I explained things quite plainly for her.  "Giving you a referral for behavior that was inappropriate has nothing to do with how much I enjoy having you in my class.  In Advisory, my job is to enforce the rules and your job is to follow the rules.  When that doesn't happen, the natural consequence is an office referral.  I can still like you as a person but hold you accountable for your actions."  I didn't lecture or glare but just had a casual tone to my voice.  She cocked her head slightly and shrugged in agreement.  "Yeah, I understand that.  I just hate after school detentions."  And off to class she went.  No drama, no tears, no fighting.  Just an explanation of the rules and our roles as student and teacher.

I'm not saying that I'm the best teacher in the world but I certainly know my strengths.  And I'm really good at classroom management and connecting with students.  Any good teacher has to be able to meet their students where they are at academically and emotionally and then have a vision of where the child should be at the end of the year, as well as a plan to get them there.

My natural inclination is to apply ALL the above mentioned stuff about behavior management and discipline to my own personal child.

NOT.  AS.  EASY.

I struggle because I DO take her temper tantrums personally sometimes because I feel as if they are a reflection of my parenting abilities.  My brain and emotions are split down the middle when she acts out - one half of me reverts back to all those child development classes I dutifully sat through in college and I logically understand that she is desperately trying to establish her control over something and throwing a fit is the only way she has to express her frustration at this point in time.  I TOTALLY understand that from a logical and rational child development point of view.  But then there's the other part of me - I have a feeling my mother felt like this a lot when she was working with teenagers while also parenting a teenager, yeah....it's "normal" developmental behavior but you want your child to be better than normal.  To be able to be a role model and above average because then it reflects on your parenting skills.  I'm a teacher and navigate hormonal teenagers every single day.  I should be able to quickly quell a toddler's tantrums.

If only.

Some days it's a uphill battle trying to get her to understand boundaries, limits and making her feel reassured at the same time that she is loved and cared for.  But as difficult as it might be right now to establish and reinforce boundaries and proper behavior with Natalie, I'd rather do the hard work now and reap the rewards later.  

Craig and I were actually discussing this topic at dinner tonight and we both related it to how we approach coaching our respective sports teams at the beginning of the season compared to the end.  At the start of the season, I am a beast in the gym.  I focus on perfecting the warm-up, practicing and correcting proper passing, setting, hitting and serving technique as well as behavior expectations during practices and games.  There are lots of push-ups involved and the girls typically leave the gym sweating profusely.  Quite frankly, although I understand the importance of all the stuff that I'm teaching, it's absolutely exhausting for me to be that tough and strict on my girls.  BUT....the payoff is fantastic because by the end of the season, they can practically run their own practice.  They know when to start stretching, they set up all their warm-up drills and we can easily transition from one activity to the next without hardly any distraction or interruption.  Having them so obedient and respectful also allows for me to be more personal and engaging with them as individuals and as a whole.  At the end of the season, I'm jumping in their drills and we're having a great time playing a sport that we all love while Michael Jackson and Justin Bieber blasts through the speaker system.  Because they know boundaries, limits and have a healthy amount of respect for me as their leader and coach, my teams typically end the season on a high note with all of us genuinely sad to see the season come to a close.

So that's how we're approaching discipline, boundaries, obedience and respect with Natalie - we're beginning with the end in mind.  What type of teenager and young adult to we envision ourselves living with and sending off into the world?  So, with that goal in mind, what actions do we have to take now in order to produce that type of person?  Right now the word "no" is used with us getting down on her level and speaking into her eyes with a firm voice.  There is lots and lots of genuine praise when she follows instructions or makes a good decision.  And when there is a complete meltdown we take a time-out as a family.  Either myself or Craig will take her to the bottom step of the stairs in the entry way (away from most distractions) and we'll just sit, hug and talk calmly into her ear while she wails in an attempt to calm her down.  Sometimes she calms down.....sometimes she doesn't, but she has started to go to that step when she's upset so maybe she is making the connection between that location, feeling out of control and taking a necessary little breather from the situation.  Whatever the case may be, for the most part she minds very well and her meltdowns are few and far between.  BUT we're only at 15 months old so I know there we're just hitting the tip of the iceberg as far as her asserting her independence and making her opinion known.

How do YOU approach discipline with your toddler and do you have any great tricks or tips?