Early Morning Worries

It's 12:38 in the morning and I am awake.

Exhausted and my eyes are thick and heavy but my brain is going 100 miles a minute.

I can't shut it off.

I've done all my usual "tricks" and nothing is working.

So I'm here.  I'm going to list out all my thoughts and my worries in the hope that physically sending them out into the universe will help quiet my head.

1. Family issues are stressing me out.  I take things too personally and look for the negative in every statement.  After being so hurt for so long, I am automatically defensive regardless of the situation.  It's not right and it's not healthy but it's where I'm at right now.

2. The if and when of a second child.  Craig and I talked about this last night over beverages and dessert.  Why do I want another child?  Is it just to have a second chance at a "good" pregnancy and postpartum period....because that's certainly a selfish reason to bring a child into the world.  I want Natalie to have a sibling and Craig and I most definitely have the capability to love and cherish another child.  But another child is expensive and there just never seems to be enough money....we're still dealing with his medical bills and then of course the prospect of another (unpaid) maternity leave is overwhelming.

3. The backyard is a hot mess.  Neither of us seem to have found the time, energy or inspiration to get out there and take care of the weeds and overgrowth that has arisen since the end of summer.  It's atrocious and ugly and embarrassing but yet I haven't done anything about it.  And then that little voice in the back of my head says "your parents NEVER had such a terrible looking backyard - you certainly aren't as good a homeowner as THEY are."

4. Speaking of which, I still have two loads of laundry in the washer and dryer that have been waiting to be finished, folded and put away since Wednesday.

5. Christmas, Christmas, Christmas.  I honestly try to put a lot of thought and effort into buying presents for people.  I want to purchase gifts that are significant and personal to the recipient but possibly because I DO put so much thought into the process....it often is a huge source of stress.  I want to make sure that my gifts are well received and enjoyed.  And then there's that awkward moment when you buy a present for someone and they haven't gotten one for you or the other way around.  I know that the Christmas spirit isn't about keeping score, but it bothers me.  And causes me anxiety.

6. We go back to school on Monday and I'm absolutely dreading it.  I have Cross Country practice every day after school until 4:45 and Craig is starting up basketball games next week.  Back to the grind, I suppose.  We've had a lovely week off work and have truly enjoyed being around each other and spending time as a family.  It's going to be very difficult to get back into our hectic schedule.

7. Before Christmas hits I have to get Natalie's toys sorted into keep, donate and box up piles as well as clean out Craig's closet.  His family is very.....ahem......generous when it comes to gift-giving at Christmas and I know that I will be having to find room for lots of new items once the end of December comes about.

8. Church.  I miss having a home in which to practice my faith.  My family has been going to the same church since I was born and there just isn't any other parish that I've visited that feels like HOME the way St. Mike's does.  I get nervous going into new situations where I'm the "outsider" who doesn't know people and that's how I feel at a new church.

9.  Yikes.  When I list out all my worries it seems that I might have a General Anxiety Disorder of some sort.  Which, of course, makes me even more anxious.

10.  Both Craig and I have big birthdays coming up in the new year - I will turn thirty in August and he will be forty come December.  He has his heart set on a big vacation away to a beach for just the two of us.  I am assuming this means leaving the country and being very far away from Natalie.  This makes me nervous - both the prospect of being away from her AND paying for such an extravagant luxury.

11.  Obviously, I'm stressed about money, too.  Isn't EVERYONE stressed about money during the holidays?

I feel a little bit better, I suppose.  It's now 1:00 and I promised myself that I would vent all the frustrations and worries that I could in a span of twenty-two minutes.

Times up.

Hopefully this late night (early morning?) brain dump will do the trick and I'll be able to drift off easily into a very deep sleep.

Secret Fears

I feel like there is a part of pregnancy that no one talks about. I've heard and talked all about morning sickness, aching backs, bizarre dreams, weird cravings...but what about the emotional part? What about the part of pregnancy that makes me want to run as far away from this thing as I can? No one talks about the anxiety, the fears, the worries...I might even go as far as to call it a "pre-partum depression."

Angie had a meltdown last night which ultimately involved washing the comforter and the bath mat, Lysol-ing the bathroom floor, Craig consoling Angie and me upset that I'm going to be the "bad guy" for the next 18 years. How did I get from rubbing Angie's belly on the bed to having an anxiety attack because of how I will inevitably one day get mad at Natalie and how I'm afraid that my temper will somehow negatively impact her life?

Of course I pray that she is a healthy, beautiful, smart and athletic little girl, but most of my prayers have consisted more of...

"Dear God (and Grandma), I have been given such a pure and perfect gift. Please don't let me screw her up. Amen."

My grandma was an Italian Red Cross nurse during World War II and she always spoke of how on their deathbeds, the soldiers did not ask or call out for their wives or girlfriends...but it was always for their mothers. I am overwhelmed with the prospect of being that important of a person for another human being. I look at myself in the mirror and don't see anything particularly special...but yet I am going to be the end all and be all for this child's life in the first few years. And the impact of my decisions, actions and words will possibly impact her for the rest of her life. How can someone so imperfect and sometimes utterly ridiculous as me be given such a great responsibility as caring for and raising a child?

I love Craig dearly but I don't think I fully comprehend the type of love that I will have for a child that I have carried for nine months. Maybe I'm afraid of the love that I will have for her because I know that with such a great love there will come great pain as I watch her throughout her life. Through the broken hearts, the busted friendships, the failures, the disappointments...I don't want my daughter to ever feel any of the pain that I felt and I can't imagine the helplessness that will devour my heart when I have to sit back and let her make her own decisions; decisions that I know might lead to heartache. I think about my own mother as she watched me through all my disastrous love affairs and how torturous it must have been for her to see her (in her eyes) beautiful, smart, funny, caring daughter be so careless with her life and her heart. I told Craig the other day that I part of me doesn't want her to be born because while she is in my womb, I can protect her from everything that is bad and evil in this world but once she is born...the process of her leaving me and experiencing life on her own, the good and the bad, begins.

And again, I will reiterate that I love my husband dearly, but I don't think he is truly grasping the tidal wave of emotions that are coursing through my body on a daily basis. He hasn't expressed any nervousness, anxiety or fears about becoming a father which makes me feel like I'm very much alone emotionally in this journey. Everyone that I speak to about pregnancy and motherhood only talks about the positive things...which again, makes me feel like I'm taking crazy pills for feeling these things. I just want to hear someone say that yes, this is normal and it's okay to feel these things, that it doesn't make me a bad mother and not brush me off by telling me that everything will work out and how I'll be a great mom.

I'm afraid that I'm just not going to be any good at this "motherhood" thing and I keep asking Angie if I'm a good mom and she just licks my face. I'm not sure if that's a "yes" or if I have the remnants of dinner on my cheek.

Holy Matrimonial Nightmares

A few months ago, I had a dream. In this dream, there were kegs at the end of each row of little white chairs and blow-up jump houses for the kids who got bored during the ceremony. My flower girls wore yellow polo shirts and fluffy skirts and just so happened to be a few of my more "memorable" former athletes. As I got to the end of the aisle with my dad, we were walking on that terrible plastic and fake green grass. But that wasn't the worst of it...I turned to face Craig and he was wearing Adidas athletic shorts and sporting a mullet.

Last night in my dream, our wedding tent was decorated with the leftover remnants of a kindergarten Valentine's Day party, there were infomercials before the ceremony, my bridesmaids tried to walk down the aisle twice at the wrong time which resulted in me punching one in the face. (Don't worry girls, none of the bridesmaids were my ACTUAL bridesmaids) In addition, the DJ couldn't find the right music and when the bridesmaids DID walk down the aisle, it was to Kesha's song Tik Tok (which coincidentally is my current ringtone). And what happened when I got down the aisle with my dad? Craig and I were wearing the same dress.

Apparently, I am very concerned about Craig's attire.

Oh Sudafed...let me sleep...

It is 4:10 in the AM and I am wide awake. I'm not sure if it's due to the Sudafed with Sudaphetrine pills that I took before I went to bed, but regardless...here I am. For the past three weeks I have been stuck in that awful moment when a plane is taking off, right before your ears pop with you feel like you're in a bubble. It's been giving me migraines and making me feel a little sick to my stomach, so I am finally taking the day off of work today to go to the doctor where they will hopefully give me a shot full of wonderful goodies to take the pressure off my brain. I'm a little tired of everything being foggy.

Other than that, what has been going on? Absolutely everything. I started Bible Study every Tuesday night from 7:00 until 9:00 but that event is always preceeded by a 7th and 8th grade Cross Country meet. I've been working or attending basketball games every Monday and Thursday nights with a District Tournament thrown in there as well. And on Wednesday nights I have my "old coaches" volleyball league. The term "buring the candle at both ends" comes to mind...no wonder I'm sick.

But the good news out of all this is that we're only about 31 days or so from the wedding so all this business is helping move time along very quickly. For the better part of 2010 I have been in secret wedding freak out mode. Craig can tell you - I've been in tears the majority of nights, completely stressed over stupid things about the wedding. Will people come? Will people have fun? I'm not worried about flowers or cakes being delivered on time, but instead I want to make sure that everyone around me is happy with the decisions that I make. And while trying so earnestly to make sure that my bridesmaids are happy or mom's are happy, I think I've been driving both them and myself completely nuts. Apparently, the polar opposite of a "Bridezilla" can be just as frustrating.

I did make major progress though...a couple of Fridays ago I was sitting there looking from my list of wedding things to do to my calendar chocked full of items previously mentioned, wondering where in the world was the time to get everything accomplished. And then I had a breakthrough - these were all things that could be taken care of by someone else. Sooo...I put together a list for my mother and future mother-in-law and told them to divide and conquer. If there was something on that list that they felt particularly drawn to...have at it. Take whatever you wanted and run with it. Needless to say, all items on the list have been taken care of. It was difficult for me because I am somewhat of a control freak at times (what teacher isn't?) but I knew that in order to save my sanity, I had to let some stuff go. It doesn't mean that I'm not a good and organized bride...if anything, it makes me a smarter bride to outsource.

My Worry List

I've been a blogging fool lately and I think it's because blogging gives me a chance to get thoughts out of my head and somewhat organized onto "paper" or at least where I can sort them out visually. I think I'm just a little overwhelmed with...everything...right now. I know what you're thinking: "How stressful is summer vacation?" For those of you who know and love me dearly, know that I can make a day at the spa a stressful situation. So here is my current list of worries and hopefully by putting them out on this blog, I'll be able to see things more clearly and therefore ward off any impending anxiety attacks.

ANGIE:
She has been VERY stubborn lately and absolutely does not follow instructions when being told to go outside to potty. Today it all came to a head when I tried to pick her off a bare and not blanket covered couch (my mistake) and she released her entire bladder on the couch cushions. I yelled at her...with obsenities...and she got really scared of me. And then I felt bad, but I was still pissed about her pissing all over the couch. Luckily the couches are Scotchguarded or whatever and for those of you who visit my house...they are safe to sit on. But regardless, I'm still frustrated with her stubborness and my own reaction to her stubborness. I think it might be time to institute some doggie training classes.

WEDDING:
There are a few things that are really stressing me out about this whole wedding thing: bridesmaid dresses, bridal portraits and engagement photos. I don't like picking out clothes for other people that they will only wear once which I am making them pay for. I know that they are all my friends and love me dearly and are thrilled to be part of my wedding...I think that makes me feel guiltier about having them buy a dress! As for the photo sessions, I'm just really confused about how, when and where to schedule them as well as what we're going to wear and how I have to do my hair and do I need flowers?! And unfortunately, Craig is no help for any of these problems.

SCHOOL:
I'm changing schools this year because of the fact that I am marrying Craig. I won't be too far from my former school and I'll actually be closer to our house. I'll be the head volleyball coach and I'll also teach 6th grade PE classes which is pretty much my dream job because I'll get to wear work out clothes everyday of the year. But on the other hand, I'm extremely nervous because now I have to be in charge and do everything that I promised the principal I could do. I'm not going to try to go into this year with lofty aspirations of turning the entire athletic program around...after all, Rome wasn't built in a day...but I do want to be successful and have everything run relatively smoothly. I'm leaving my comfort zone and I never do well with that. Unfortunately, right now there isn't too much I can do to quell this anxiety and I'm anticipating that it will only grow from now until August. Also...I haven't even packed up and moved out of my old classroom and so I have to do that sometime at the beginning of August as well.

BASKETBALL TOURNAMENT/VOLLEYBALL CAMP:
Next week will be an incredibly busy and chaotic week for our little household. Craig has his big NCAA certified basketball tournament starting on Wednesday and ending Friday but in the meantime he is frantically trying to wrap up any loose ends as well as putting together the brackets and coaches packets. He has been spending a lot of time in the Man Cave working on stuff and it is generally staying out of the rest of the house, but his stress definitely has spread and I'm nervous for him that everything will get accomplished and in the way that he wants it to be done. Unfortunately I won't be much help to him next week in preparing for the tourney because I will be at the high school volleyball camp all week from early in the morning until the late afternoon. Volleyball camp is always fun - but I'm nervous about having to leave Angie in her kennel for the first time for a full day. And to top off a busy week, we are leaving for the Bahamas on the Saturday directly after all this craziness and that means packing, shipping Angie to my parents, and making sure I have the proper clothes and plenty of books to read.

I guess those are all my big worries but I still have a few little ones:
- I have two friends coming over to swim in the morning and I have to pick up the house. They both have never seen the house and I want to make sure that it looks pretty for them. Granted, I probably could have avoided this stress by getting off the blogosphere and actually picking up and maybe that's why I'm frustrated with myself.
- My calendar is not updated right now and there are a lot of things that we have to do that are coming up. I feel all out of sorts with my schedule and I...again...should probably get off the bed and the computer and actually write my stuff on the calendar.
- Harry Potter VI: The Half Blood Prince comes out in theaters tonight at midnight and it's the first time since HP III that I'm not going to be in line at midnight with my college roomie Lauren to watch the movie. I feel guilty. Isn't that ridiculous?!

Okay...I'm getting the hint and getting off the computer...must detach self and actually get work accomplished. Might feel better afterwards perhaps? Will let you know.