Moving On...

As of June 6th and if the current circumstances remain, my coaching career will cease to exist.

Next year I will forge ahead as a full-time 8th grade Math and Algebra teacher, my days filled with lessons, reviews, tests, tutoring and grading papers.  

This means no more early morning practices, late night games and weekend tournaments.

In general....this is a good thing.

I think.

I mean, when I graduated college coaching middle school volleyball was probably the furthest thing from my mind.  I was going to be a MATH TEACHER and that was that.  But the universe led me in a completely different direction and I found myself coaching middle school volleyball and cross country for what has ended up being the past seven years.  And for the most part, it has suited me well - I stayed involved in the age of athletics (middle school) that I loved the most, I got to mentor girls and hopefully helped them become strong young women.....and I even won a few championships along the way.

My life has been divided into sporting seasons since I was in third grade - the first year my parents signed me up for the city basketball league after a year of gymnastics didn't pan out.  Four years of city league led to three years of A team middle school ball and then finally onto the Varsity team in high school.  I headed up the intramurals athletics teams in my college sorority which culminated with a flag football league victory my senior year.  And then I moved on from playing to coaching....

But what now?

I always joke with my co-workers that sometimes I really get tired of hearing my name.

"Coach!  Look at this!"

"Hey Coach?  What time are we leaving?"

"I don't know what to do Coach!?"

"Coach, I need to call my mom!  I forgot my jersey!"

"Can I go to the bathroom, Coach?"

"Coach, do you like unicorns or narwhals better?" 

(Yes.  An ACTUAL question from an ACTUAL athlete.)

There might have even been a time when I told my volleyball players that the next person to say my name had to do ten push-ups because I was THAT tired of hearing my name attached to a question.

Coach.....Coach.....Coach.

If I'm not COACH, am I now going to be a MRS.?  Yikes.

I think the title change is scarier than the actual JOB switch.

Things will be different.  Life will different.  I will have the luxury of leaving school if Natalie has a doctor's appointment, if there are errands that must be ran....or if I am flat out tired and ready to go home.

So why am I sitting here with tears in my eyes?  This is what I have wanted for several years - my principal coming into my room and presenting me with this opportunity was a the big signal from God as to where my life should be heading.  A slowed down life, spending time with Natalie and the even possibility of having a second child.

Yes.  Another baby.....not now, but sometime in the next year.

I had more or less resigned myself to the idea of Natalie being an only child because I didn't see an end to my coaching career given the economic and employment atmosphere in my district.  But this opportunity has presented itself and with Craig voicing his desire for a second child....I'm allowing myself to become excited, nervous and even a little starry-eyed about this next step in our life.

But back to those tears in my eyes.  I love coaching in the sense of....I love seeing the girls work hard, improve and then that MOMENT when it all clicks for them and they are successful.  I love the close relationships that I form from hours spent in gyms, locker rooms and on a bus together.  Those are the moments that I'm going to miss and those are the memories that I'm going to cherish forever.

I haven't told my girls yet and I am dreading the day when they find out.  The 8th graders will be sad....but they will be moving onto the high school shortly.  It's the 7th graders I worry about.  I don't want them to feel like I am abandoning them....like coaching them just wasn't good enough for me.

Because coaching them WAS good enough for me....until it just wasn't.

And this little curly headed girl is definitely a good enough reason to say good-bye.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes!

Last year around this time Craig and I made a resolution for our family.  We chose a word to live by and we stuck to it.

Exist

2012 was the year that we existed.

But after the previous four years I needed one without any major life decisions.

2008 - began dating and bought a house

2009 - became engaged and began planning a wedding

2010 - got married in March and pregnant in June

2011 - gave birth to Natalie and struggled with PPD

So yeah.....I think we deserved a year off to just BE.  We loved on our pups and watched our daughter grow.  We fixed up the house and celebrated all sorts of fun milestones with friends.  

But what about 2013?  What word are we going to choose for our family to embrace this year?  I'd love to think it was something along the lines of PEACE or SIMPLICITY....

Unfortunately, I just have this gut feeling based on recent conversations that it's going to be another year of CHANGE.

Little pieces are beginning to fall in place and a clear picture of what 2013 holds for us is starting to form.

Among other things, I'll be turning 30 and Craig will turn 40.

Natalie is in the midst of transitioning from babyhood to full fledged toddler.

There are a host of other things that are being put on the table for me professionally and for our family personally.

Usually I'm terrified about any sort of change and adjustment but right now, I'm peaceful and calm.  I'm sure there will be moments of panic and sheer terror, but overall....I'm okay with what seems to be coming down the pipe because it all seems so pre-ordained, if you know what I mean?!

There have been professional and personal goals that I've had for myself but it just never seemed the RIGHT time.  Things just didn't fall into place the way I hoped they would and I told myself over and over that when it was right, it would happen.

And it's all happening this year.

Buckle up.

The Dirty Thirty

I'm turning twenty-nine this August.

For those of you who are mathematically challenged......that's one year away from THIRTY.

And I'm okay with that.

In fact..........I'm kind of looking forward to a new decade in my life.  

Last summer I went to the 30th birthday party of a friend of mine from work.  During the course of dinner the inevitable "30th birthday" question popped up - was she dreading turning 30 and saying goodbye to her twenties.  

She cocked her curly haired head and pursed her lips thoughtfully.

"You know......my twenties was full of change and instability.  I was a college student, a teacher, I got married, had two daughters and then became a stay-at-home mom.  I'm looking forward to the next decade of my life being more settled.  I know who I am and the path my life is on - there's no uncertainty and angst."

Okay.  I might of paraphrased a bit, but that was the general gist.

Her response has stuck with me because she's right.  I started my twenties as a college sorority girl in a relationship with an abusive alcoholic and I'm exiting this decade as a settled and joyfully married teacher and the mother to a beautiful little girl.  Not to mention the amount of roller coaster-ing I did in the years between.  I'm ready to enter a decade in my life where I'm secure in my marriage, my career, my relationships and most importantly.......MYSELF.  I don't look at thirty as a looming death sentence, but instead a breath of relief and an important milestone.

But no major milestone wouldn't be complete without some sort of fun adventure along the way so as many women do...........I am attempting a "30 for 30" list of things to accomplish before I hit three-oh on August 7th, 2013.  Coming up with a list is actually a lot harder than I expected - maybe because I have experienced a lot of the "typical" things people would normally put on something like this.

Here's what I've got so far:

1. Eat at a Chinese buffet.  I know, right?  I've NEVER eaten at a Chinese restaurant (besides PF Chang's which probably doesn't count as "real" Chinese food) because I was scared?  Of the sauce?  Unfamiliarity?  I'm not really sure why.  My parents didn't really venture out for Chinese (or Japanese or Thai or Indian for that matter) when I was growing up so maybe I just somehow convinced myself that I wouldn't like it.

2. Spend five minutes in The Anger Room.  Bear with me here.  I'm truly not a violent person but I think being in a room smashing everything to bits with a baseball bat for five minutes would do me a world of good.  The word cathartic comes to mind.  When I played competitive sports, I would release my aggression on the court and against the other team, but when I play with my 8th graders that really isn't an option........at least if I want to keep my job.

3. Do something touristy in DFW.  I've lived here all my life but there is still so much to explore.  Apparently people come to Dallas and Fort Worth for vacation and I would love to see the area through their eyes.  Maybe the Stockyards or the Sixth Floor Museum.

4. Read a "classic" novel that I cliff noted in high school.  Since The Great Gatsby is coming out this holiday season I think that might be the one I choose.

5. Do one of those painting classes.  I see the pictures all over Facebook of fun Girls Night Out groups all proudly displaying their artwork.  I don't let it out much, but I've got a pretty wicked creative streak and I think getting a group of my friends together to spend the evening painting and drinking wine would be tons of fun.

6. Send birthday cards and small presents to all my friends celebrating 30 between September and August.  This will probably be the most difficult because I am TERRIBLE at remember birthdays to begin with, much less buying a card and a present and getting that all in the mail in time for the actual birth day.

That's all I've got so far.  Six.  Yikes.  Craig is turning 40 just a few months after me (December of 2013) so we've tossed around the idea of combining our lists and doing a lot of these things together.  His first thought was "I want to take you to Maui before you turn thirty."  Okay.  Well.  That sounds absolutely lovely, but I was thinking of stuff more budget friendly, but that's just the way that Craig thinks.  He has the big ideas and I pull him back down to Earth.

I introduced him to my list on Thursday as we were making the trek up to Frisco for Natalie's second hematologist appointment (still not where she needs to be, we're continuing iron supplements) and he suggested that we go ahead and mark the first item off the list.  So after we left Children's hospital we headed off in search of a Chinese buffet.

My plate with vegetarian noodles of some sort, some black pepper chicken and veggies, super yummy pineapple chicken and fried wontons.
And the verdict for me was...........AWESOME.  I don't know why I've been holding out on Chinese food all this time!  Seriously yummy stuff.

Unfortunately Natalie can't say the same.  I put just some noodles, zucchini and chicken on her plate but she was a wee bit apprehensive.  Good news was they had a fabulous selection of fruit and she was able to chow down on melon, strawberries and grapes.  Oh.  And ice cream because she was such a good girl when getting blood drawn - NO TEARS.  Whew!

And of course the best part of Chinese food is the fortunes at the end.

Looking forward

I've written so many beginnings of blogs lately and each and every one seem so............forced and uninspiring.

Which is probably why they all have beginnings but no endings.

I guess it's just an average case of writer's block.  Or maybe it's just that life right now is pretty uninspiring. Not in a bad way..........but we're just existing - happily - but still.........just floating along.

Glennon Melton of Momastery reposted a blog awhile back about what depression is like and how she could always feel the fog creeping back in - and how she didn't always want to fight that fog because it helped her to become a better writer.  Aren't the best writers always the tortured ones?

I guess that's where I'm at right now.  No fog.  Just sunshine.  On the brightside there isn't anything gnawing at my soul making me feel the need to spill my guts on this little blog, but on the other hand, I'm not really producing anything of real substance.

But that's the theme for this year.

Just exist.

In the past three years Craig and I have bought a house, gotten engaged, married, become pregnant, had a baby and struggled through PPD.  Whew.

This year we're just going to enjoy watching Natalie grow, play with the pups and be a family.  No major life changes.  Just live.

I feel like my mood has turned a corner since Natalie hit her first birthday.  I feel free of the "baby" stage in her life.  She eats real food, is sleeping through the night and plays contentedly on her own.  There is less dependence on me to sustain her life and now more dependence on me to teach and guide her through her life.  That is what I'm good at - setting boundaries, playing games, redirecting, taking advantage of teachable moments......all stuff that I do as a teacher, I suppose.

I read an article today on Huffington Post giving parents hope about reaching the end of their child's first year of life.  About how the sleepless nights and the constant laundry will slowly fade.  The first year is tough - but not for the child.  It's not a milestone for the baby - it's an accomplishment for the parents.  Hurray!  You kept a human being alive for an entire year and for the most part - you're still standing.

Now, Craig and I weren't standing at her birthday party completely the same people that had welcomed a beautiful baby girl into our arms the year before.  No.  Things have changed.  Life has changed.  WE.  Have.  Changed.  Six months ago I never thought that I would find the girl that I used to be.  I never thought I would dance around the house to Jay-Z and Kanye again.  I never thought I would want to indulge in that second (or third) glass of wine when out to dinner with the hubs.  I never though that I would give a rat's ass about the cute clothes in my closet and the make-up in my drawers.  In short, I felt like I had to live such a controlled life in order to be the perfect mother that I thought that the girl my husband fell in love with (wild, crazy, passionate, determined, ambitious, goofy) was gone forever.

I mourned her death and hated the woman that took her place.

But that girl is like a weed - she has found a way to grow through in the most unlikely of places and she is slowly spreading across the desert like wildfire.  More and more everyday I feel HER presence.  I feel more at ease in my skin.  I can take deeper breaths.  Those deeper breaths lead to bigger laughs.  And then there's the dancing.  And a glass of wine............and then another glass if it's a special dinner.

So here I am standing at the beginning of the next year in Natalie's life.  I am determined to do the best job at being her mother that I can and that doesn't involve listening to anyone else's expectations on what I need to be.  Natalie doesn't worry about the global ramifications of the way that I parent her.  She doesn't worry that I'm doing it all wrong and she's going to suffer.  All she needs is hugs and kisses, cuddles and playtime, love and compassion, boundaries and expectations.  All she needs is everything that I already am.

Perfectly Imperfect

A few days ago, I wrote THIS blog about the perception other people might have about me and then today on Momastery, I read THIS.  Pretty "perfect" posting, right?  

My friend Shemika and I have had this conversation more times than I can count.  I have a beautiful home with a loving husband, a gorgeous daughter and a fancy Acadia parked in my garage.  From the outside looking in......life is pretty perfect.

But once you delve beneath the surface things can be a big, fat, ugly MESS........as evidenced by the past year of my life.  I tried desperately to be the perfect wife, mother, sister, sister-in-law, daughter, daughter-in-law, friend and co-worker.  The perfect everything to everyone, all the time.

Perfect.

That word has been my greatest motivator and at the same time, the bane of my existence.  

My strive for perfection has led me to accomplish great and wonderful things.  It has pushed me to become stronger both physically and emotionally.  Through my pursuit of perfection, I graduated college with honors (having nabbed two perfect 4.0 semester GPAs along the way) and then landed a sweet job in the district and school of my choosing directly after graduating.  The idea of perfection helps me to be prepared and one step ahead of any sort of impending catastrophe.

But my goodness.  It sure is exhausting.

There was a time in my life that I put on that perfect persona and tried to fool the world that I wasn't drowning.  That I was absolutely thrilled with being single and living my life by myself.  I went out all the time, wore fabulous clothes and put on a smile - I was the life of the party and played my part well.  But when I came home at night I was a mess.  A hot, drunken, depressed, ridiculously out of control mess.  Because I saw everyone around me getting what I wanted in life (the love, the husband, the white dress and the house) I figured that there was something so inherently wrong with me that there was no way any man would ever love me.  For real.  For every guy I dated I tried to be the perfect girl.........for them.  I tried to mold into what I thought they wanted me to be so that I could find that love and happiness all my friends were experiencing.  But once I let my guard down and shared with them bits and pieces of my true self - they left, they apparently didn't like what they saw.  So I just figured that it couldn't be something wrong with them - that it must be something wrong with me.  I was the one that was unlovable.  My penchant for perfectionism has caused panic attacks, self-doubt and sleepless nights.  Did I say the right thing?  Did I make them mad?  Will a parent email about the game?  What should I have done differently to make everyone else happy?  It was a never ending spiral of shame.  I was holding myself accountable for everyone else's thoughts, emotions, and reactions.  I forgot about the forest of good things that happened during the day and instead focused on that one damn tree - the one thing that might not have been so wonderful.  One word, one phrase, one email would set my brain ablaze for the remainder of the day and evening - I couldn't let things just be, I had to rehash, rethink, replay and beat myself up in the process.

I wasn't perfect.

I used alcohol, shopping and food (or lack thereof) as a way to fill that imperfection.  To make me feel that if I go out and have a great time with my friends, I'll forget about my loneliness.  Or if I have a fabulous wardrobe in my closet then I'll attract the attention of guys at the bar.  Maybe if I'm skinnier that will earn me love - or better yet, if I control my intake of food I can completely control my completely out of control life.

So.....there's that.  Now you're probably thinking - "SHEESH!  I'm dealing with a full fledged crazypants!  Why on Earth am I still reading this woman's blog?  Hell, why is she even writing a blog - shouldn't she be in an in-patient facility somewhere?"  All I can say is - I've come a long, long way.  There are still mountains to climb and obstacles to overcome.  Some days are better and easier than others.

I'm trying to find the balance of perfection.  Where are the areas in my life that perfection can serve me well and in what aspects do I just need to let go of perfection and embrace flaws and chaos.

My house is organized practically perfectly.  There is a place and space for everything and this allows us to know exactly what we have, what we need and provides us with a well functioning home.  It's easy to maintain and when things go a bit askew (as most things in the house do when you have a tenacious 10 month old cruising around) there isn't that much anxiety for me because I know that the imperfection of a messy house is something that can be easily fixed.  Set a timer for twenty minutes and voila - the house is restored to normal order.  I'm also good with Excel.  And Word.  And creating folders on labeled flash drives.  The blue one with the H?  That's for HOME - where I keep all our family photos and the template for Craig's basketball tournament information during the summer.  The pink one with the W?  That's for WORK - it holds all my different Cross Country, PE, Advisory and Volleyball documents and information.  It keeps things at my fingertips where I can always access them at a moments notice.  This is a moderately healthy aspect of perfectionism that serves a certain purpose - to keep my life running smoothly.

But the idea of a being a perfect mother.  That's where I run into trouble.  The reason for my "perfect mother" routine is a good one - I fully understand the importance of the role I have in Natalie's life.  I take my job as her mother incredibly serious and I know that out of all the jobs I have held in my life - this is the most meaningful and crucial.  I know the type of woman that I want to create and I recognize the amount of hard work, effort, dedication and diligence that it's going to take over the next twenty years in order to get to that point.  If ever there was a time in my life where there wasn't any room for failure - it's now....it's raising my child to be assertive, strong, confident, independent, passionate, kind, caring, compassionate, selfless, worldly, grateful, humble, witty, curious..........it's quite a job.  I am terrified of making a misstep and screwing her up for life.  I know what you're going to say (at least I know what my own mother will say) "we all screw our kids up in some way - there is no perfect parent."  This is where I roll my eyes.  I know that.  Obviously I'm going to mess up at times.  I just know that Natalie deserves the best and it's my job to ensure that she receives the best possible example of the kind of woman I want her to be.  So I guess in turn, that means that I have to embody all those characteristics I listed above.  Whew.  I've got my work cut out for me.

This past year has taught me a lot, not just about myself, my husband, our marriage and my faith in God, but about JUDGEMENT and being PERFECT.  The majority of mothers are trying the best they can to raise their children to be exactly what I wrote above - even if the methods and philosophy are different from mine, their heart is the same.  Just because a mother doesn't breastfeed or chooses to have a homebirth.....it doesn't affect the amount of love and dedication they have to their child.  Other mother's decisions are simply not up for my judgement.  And as far as the perfection goes - it's a work in progress but for the most part I've really tried to let go of the "being everything to everyone" concept and instead tried to focus on just being good enough for two people and one four legged fur baby.

Mothers and Daughters

I took Natalie back to the doctor today for a follow-up on her chest congestion and coughing.  The appointment was at 3:00 and we were home by 3:30 so I had some time alone with her at home before Craig came home from work at around 4:30.  She and I were just rolling around and playing on the blanket on the floor of our bedroom and I as she stood in front of me grinning and cooing, I realized something important.

Natalie is my daughter.  

I am her mother.

Up until this point in her life, she's been "my baby" and when people ask the gender the response is "a little girl."  

Having a baby girl is different from having a daughter.  She won't stay my baby girl forever....she's going to be my rambunctious and creative six year old and then my determined and tomboyish twelve year old and then she'll be running around the house putting on the last touches to her make-up for prom and then I'll turn around and I'll be the mother of the bride pinning a hair piece in her up-do before she walks down the aisle.  And one day I'll be the one beside the bed, holding my nervous daughter's hand while she anxiously awaits the birth of her first child.

As I sat there playing with her this afternoon watching her explore our bedroom I saw my own life with my mother flashing before my eyes.

Playing Cabbage Patch dolls in my bedroom.  Watching Gone With The Wind in the living room while she vacuumed.  Volunteer projects with her at church.  Swimming in the summers.  Midnight masses for Christmas Eve.  The fighting in junior high.  The anger and the tears.  Picking out my dream dress for prom.  Watching her wave good-bye as she dropped me off for college.  My grandma's funeral.  Moving home from Denton and crying in the driveway.  Breakdowns and breakups.  Seeing her so proud in the stands watching me coach.  Introducing her to Craig....and later announcing our engagement.  Picking out my wedding dress.  Telling her that I was pregnant.  Her holding my hands during labor.  Tucking Natalie into bed the first night at home.

Where would I be without my mother?  WHO would I be without my mother?

And in turn, what will the imprint be that I leave on Natalie?  What will our relationship be like when she is 28 and what kind of road will we take to get there?

Who am I?

I've never met this woman but I read her blog everyday.  In a lot of ways, she and I are very different but there is something about the way that she writes that I connect with and today was no different.  Today over on Blue Eyed Bride, Erin wrote about "The Evolution of a Mom."

Read it and come back.

Okay, you back with me now?!

Erin expressed so many things that I think every mother struggles with...especially for those of us who become mothers a little bit later in life.  Yes.  I know that 28 isn't exactly LATE in life, but I definitely had a career and entire lifestyle established long before I brought a little person into this world. 

I think the whole concept of "who am I now" was the root of all my struggles with PPD after Natalie was born...and although I'm in a much better place now that I've gone back to work full time, I still have my identity crisis moments.

Before Natalie (and really, before I was ever pregnant) I was able to focus my time, energy and entire being to coaching volleyball and although I've written this before I will reiterate it - when Craig brought Natalie up to the volleyball game the other night, my heart was ripped in two.  Half of it was on the court and in the game with the girls but the other half jumped clear across the gym and into the stands, wanting nothing more than to forget the game and go home to cuddle and play with my baby girl.

The last six months have really challenged my sense of purpose in this world and forced me to redefine how I value myself and my success.  It's no secret that I like check things off and get high from finishing up a lengthy "to do" list.  Graduated high school with honors....check.  Graduated college with honors....check.  Career straight out of college....check.  Bought first car and rented apartment on my own....check.  And although I can check "get married and start a family" off my list because I have physically done both of those things, there really aren't any clear parameters by which to measure how well I do both of those things. 

And yes, I am aware that I am totally rambling and probably not coherent in any manner but please bear with me as there will most likely be some sort of majorly thoughtful conclusion at some point in time.  But in the meantime - welcome to the slightly chaotic and sometimes out of control mind of a PPD woman.  :)

I guess what my major point is - I used to be able to so clearly see my success and feel good about the work that I was doing in my life but with being a wife and a mother, it's a little bit hazier to really define "success." 

And back to Erin's original point about evolving into motherhood - I have struggled with the feeling of being "selfish" if I tried to maintain any part of my former self instead of devoting my entire everything to being Natalie's mother.  But I think of my own mother who, although I always knew that she loved me, I also knew that she wasn't just MY MOTHER but also a daughter, a wife, a friend, a sister, a youth minister and most importantly.....she was a woman with her own fears, desires, dreams, etc.  She has set the example for me that I can be not only Natalie's mother, but a teacher and coach, a wife....and just Laura - a woman who loves to play volleyball, read books, and sometimes sings really loudly in the car by herself.

Over the summer I went to a 30th birthday celebration for my friend Shevawn and people were good naturedly joking with her about any "fears" regarding her leaving her twenties forever.  I loved the response that Shevawn gave which was something along the lines of how she was looking forward to turning 30 because in her twenties she felt a lot of conflict about who she was (college student, wife, teacher, mother, etc.) but with the start of this new decade in her life, she felt more confident about who she is and her place in this world.  I love that concept.  I want to be in that place emotionally.  I've been there before....a long time ago before Natalie was ever introduced into our lives and I know that I'll get there again.

Future Plans

I know for those of you who don't have children...sometimes reading my blog can be boring because a lot of the entries that I've made recently have been about Natalie in some way.

As my friend Emily would say...that's just the season I'm in right now. 

Especially because we're at home with her all day now that it's summer...my little world revolves around her a lot more.  Come fall when volleyball starts up I'm sure I'll have a wider range of topics to cover.

But for now...a list.  It was a year ago yesterday that Craig and I found out we were going to have a baby.  Even though we had only been "trying" for one month, I had a sneaking suspicion that I might be pregnant because I was exhausted and crabby.  On the way home from my parent's 4th of July party I convinced him to stop at Walgreen's and pick up a few tests.  I went cheap and bought the plus/minus tests and we took them home and tested one immediately.  It was BARELY a plus so I did what any normal human being would do.  I took a picture of it and texted it to my friend Amy for confirmation.  Her conclusion?  It COULD be a positive, but to be sure I should send Craig BACK to Walgreens for a digital test that would definitively say either "pregnant" or "not pregnant."  Like a good husband he obliged while I stayed home pacing the upstairs babbling incoherently to Amy on the phone.  His trip to the store took longer than I expected and I only recently found out why - on the way home he was really nervous about the test (he was hoping for a positive) so he pulled off the road into a parking lot and watched fireworks for a little while to calm his nerves.  When he returned, I took the digital test and I didn't have to wait very long - the word PREGNANT showed up very quickly and again, I called Amy to ask her if the word "NOT" is ever going to show up.  It didn't...and now we have a beautiful baby girl.

And then the fun part started - we got to begin planning for our little girl.  Of course designing the nursery was fun and I couldn't enter a Target without cooing over the cute dresses and shoes, but more importantly Craig and I began imagining all the fun things we would do with her...here are a few.

1. I love The Nutcracker ballet and I want to start a tradition of having a ladies date ever winter with her, my mother and myself to go out to a fancy lunch or brunch followed by seeing the ballet.

2. Craig took her to her first basketball camp last week and I have a feeling that this will become a yearly event.

3. Of course...Disneyland.

4. Craig already has plans for Daddy-daughter dates to the Stars games.  And I have plans for pigtails with green and black bows and a teeny tiny Stars jersey.

5. I want to play dolls with her.  Barbies, Cabbage Patch, dollhouse...I don't care.  I just want to get on the floor and do all the fun and imaginative things with her that my mom did with me.

6. Of course Christmases are about to get a whole lot more fun - she'll be 9.5 months old at Christmas this year so she'll probably be scooting around the house, trying to get into things and a good age to get excited about presents - or the wrapping at least.  And of course...there is that first visit to Santa Clause which is going to be super fun.

7. I have began playing volleyball up at the gym with a few other ladies every Friday afternoon.  A mom of one of the girls that I coach invited me - we used to play in a different league together.  In this Friday afternoon group there are two sets of moms and daughters - one with a middle schooler and the other with a college vball player.  I love how they root for each other but also enjoy a little competition - the moms always "complain" when their daughters beat them on the net or with a serve, but I think they are secretly proud of the athletes they are raising.  I can't wait to share my love of volleyball (and Craig's love of basketball) with Natalie. 

8. Craig and I were talking about maybe taking her to the state basketball tournament in Austin next year which is usually right around the time of Spring Break.  It would be a great first family trip and maybe something fun for us to look forward to every year.

Those are just a few of the millions of things that Craig and I have envisioned over the course of the year.  And those are just things to DO with her...there are even more things that I want to teach her and instill in her as she grows up.  I once (okay...maybe several times) asked Craig if he could choose ONE attribute or characteristic that he really wanted to teach Natalie and have her embody, what would it be?  He answered "confidence."  My choice was a bit more involved "I want her to understand that she is just a small part of the world and her duty is to put other people first and lead with a kind heart."  Or something to that effect.  I don't want her to be self-centered and live in a bubble.  I want her to know that there are people out there with drastically different lifestyles and that as someone who has been given an awful lot in life, it is her duty and her privelage to spread her blessings around to those people who might not have as much. 

I guess you could say I want her to live with a certain amount of humbleness and humility and to be grateful for and content with the blessings that she has in her life. 

I know that it is a natural part of growing up - the desire to "be cool" and have all the neat stuff that everyone else has, but when you're raised as a Christian, you should be striving to live an extraordinary life and sometimes your life and the life of the people around you might not be the same.  Craig and I were both raised in fairly strict households which both held us to high standards academically, socially and personally.  And we will have the same for Natalie.  There will be times that she will not like us.  She won't have a television in her room unless she would like to buy it herself and pay for the extra cable box to be installed and the montly charges.  All cell phones will be charged in Mom and Dad's room overnight to control the late night texting and phone calls and all that stuff.  Facebook and the internet in general is absolutely terrifying...so obviously no computers in her room.  We have a room downstairs that is right now a trophy room and it will be converted to a play room sometime in the next year.  After we don't need a baby play room anymore I think that I'd like it to be a study - put a home computer with a desk in it for homework with a cozy chair and lamp for reading.  BUT...even with all these measures in place there has to be a deeper understanding of WHY we are choosing to live this way.  I want Natalie to understand that there aren't rules just to have rules, but there is a larger reason behind the rules and expectations.  You don't make the right decision because you're afraid of getting in trouble, you make the right decision because it's the right thing to do.  A friend of mine put it very well - you don't parent to get through the day, you parent to get through the next 18 years.  You have to begin with the end in mind - what kind of kiddo do we want Natalie to be when she is 18 and what parenting techniques do we need to install NOW so that we can produce that kind of person?!  That's the kind of parent that I want to be because that's the kind of kid I want to raise.

Well...I didn't mean to get off on a parenting tangent - but as much as we enjoy imagining all the fun things we'll do with Natalie, I also know that there will be times when she is going to push back against us and she will make poor choices and I will feel like an utter failure as a parent.  But Craig and I will stand our ground because we do have the life experience to know the effects of good choices and bad choices and hopefully someday she will thank us for helping her to become a really awesome and successful young lady.

Questions

After I found out that I was pregnant, mymother bought me a book entitled "100 Questions from My Child" byMallika Chopra and inside, Chopra answers all the silly, tough, insightful and absurd questions that her two youg daughters ask her on a daily basis. I started reading through it this morning as I was trying to make Angie patiently wait to wake up her Daddy in the spare room (he has snoring issues sometimes) and as soon as I read some of the questions, I wanted to get my answers down in writing. So here it goes...

"What does my name mean?"
Natalie is traditionally associated with Christmas time but that meaning has absolutely no correlation to why I chose it for you. I like alliterations "Natalie Nelson" and I like how classic, timeless yet still relatively unique it is in this current time. It is also easily translated into Italian - Natalia. I was never called "Laura" by my beloved Italian grandma...she always said my name how it would be pronounced in Italy "Lau" (think alLOW) "ra" (roll that r!) and I want my daughter to have that same special connection to her heritage. Your daddy chose Teneile as your middle name because it means "champion" and "passionate," both of which are characteristics that your parents hold near and dear to their heart and hope that you someday inherit.

"Am I the most beautiful girl in the world?"
Yes. And your big sister Angie is the most beautiful puppy dog in the world.

"Will I be different when I am 27 years old?"
How ironic that I write the answer to this question at my current age of 27. I hope that you are not completely different from your little girl self...I hope you carry with you the imagination, determination and enthusiasm of your youth with you your entire life. I hope that you are very different when you are 27 - different from other people in a way that sets you apart and makes you successful in work and your personal life.

"Mommy, why can't you take my pain away?"
Without even seeing and holding you little girl, I am already frightened of the day you come home heartbroken and in tears over a friendship, a boy or anything else that life throws at you. Because I will not be able to fix everything; I will not be able to hunt down everything that harms you and cast them or it out of your life. I will have to sit patiently, holding back my desire to hug you close and never let you go but instead talk you through your own feelings and guide you towards a resolution. My deepest desire will always be for you to experience a life full of contentment and peace but I understand that my role as a mother will sometimes be to stand back, allow you to experience some pain so that you may grow into a strong, healthy and competent young woman.

"When you get old, will you get sick and die?"
Yes I will. And so will your Daddy. But we will never leave you. On a cold fall night someday in the future when I am gone and you step out onto your back patio completely broken and lost, you will look into the sky and see the stars and I will be there, comforting you like I always have. My grandma does it for me and someday my mother will join her as my guardian angel as well.

"Who is your Prince Charming?"
Ahh...the princess complex that Disney has manufactured in our little girls. Prince Charmings come in many forms and more often than not are not riding on white horses charging in at the last moment to rescue you from an imminent danger. Prince Charming is that man you makes you laugh everyday, the one that always seems to know exactly what to say...even when you don't want to hear it, he will never fight your battles for you but instead always be by your side in any form of combat, and he will always tell you that you are the most beautiful girl in the world. Your daddy is my Prince Charming and Momma sure did have to kiss a lot of frogs to find him.

"Do I remind you of someone?"
This is the question I can't wait to find the answer to. I am so ready to meet Natalie and dissect her features...and then eventually her personality. Being pregnant is like one big science experiment - what kind of person are we going to create? Craig and I have such differing features: he has blond hair, blue eyes and fair skin while I am dark haired, brown eyed with olive color skin. What will she look like? What personality traits will she inherit and pick up on from us? I can't wait to meet her.

What's next?

Now that we're married I am often asked about the wedding - how did it go, do you enjoy being married, etc. And I always have to stop myself before any words come out of my mouth because if I didn't have any sort of filter, my response would be something like this:

"I am so glad that it is over. Ugh."

And I just don't think that's really the response people are looking for when they ask me about my big day. Again, like I've said so many times...

I am so glad and beyone thrilled that I married Craig. I am so blessed to have found him and I truly do know that he is absolutely 100% the most perfect man for me. BUT...I really struggled through the wedding planning process because I had a hard time getting excited over wedding related stuff. It was a lot of extra stress and worry that was always lurking over my shoulder - I'm glad to have all that behind me. I even feel a certain amount of freedom knowing that I don't have a huge wedding To-Do list waiting for me to scratch things off. I can now focus that energy on things that I want to be doing.

So, in response that those questions, I just say...

"It was a success! We accomplished our goal and are indeed married! The 'I do's' were said!"

But...having been a former bride, I do have some piece of advice and my new rule for being a newlywed.

Advice: It doesn't matter. None of it. The color of the ribbons, the details on your shoe. Not only will you not notice any of it on your wedding day, but no one else really cares. Well, the people that matter to you won't really care.

Rule: I will not offer any wedding or marriage advice to any newlywed unless specifically targeted and asked.

So now that all the wedding madness is over what am I going to focus my attention on?

1) Making sure that Craig rehabs his knee in the best way possible.
2) Writing Thank You notes. Yuck.
3) Getting the yard taken care of...it's becoming a jungle out there.
4) Reading more books and getting more sleep.

Bittersweet

All the pictures are off the walls leaving the faint outline of an apartment once lived in. The bookshelves have been emptied and now resemble a toothless grin. The sound of doors and cabinets shutting echo a bit more off the blank walls, adding a shuddering, melancholy soundtrack to the finality of what path my life is about to take.

I look around and my apartment is filled with memories. Memories of Girl's Night with Meggie and Jennifer and a round of Taco Bueno for everyone. Singing Les Miserables and High School Musical with Jenn, enhanced by a bottle of wine of course. Quiet and lazy Sunday mornings spent on the porch with a book and a cup of coffee. Writing this blog while desperately praying for inner peace. The sense of accomplishment when my new couches arrived. Curled up on the couch with my ankle the size of a softball while my coworkers made sure I had food and water within reach. My mother painting the letters "LAUGH" with me, while she was praying that I too, would someday laugh again. Hot summer days, cold winter nights, and throughout the storm season that ravages North Texas in the spring...I've been here for two and a half years.

I feel as if I grew up in this apartment. I learned how to pay bills and how to save up money for big purchases. I took off the training wheels and became an adult here. I stopped spending my money on drinks at the bar, and instead on books that quench my inner thirst. I have opened the blinds and let the sun shine in on my joy and closed up the curtains in an effort to shut out the world.

Although great joy and contentment await me in the new house and new life, it will be bittersweet to say good-bye to this little home I have created.

Blank Horizon

I have always had a plan.

- Go to college. Check.
- Graduate with honors. Check.
- Get job at great school. Check.
- Buy new car and live on my own. Check.
- Be New Teacher of the Year. Almost check. I got close enough.
- Travel through Europe. Check.

I always knew what came next. It was always about the next adventure - whether it was graduating high school and going on to college. Or graduating college and getting a job. I was always obsessed with getting to that next level and doing it better than anyone else.

Well, I'm here. I'm in my second full year of teaching. I've got the job, I've got the accolades (new teacher of the year nomination and district championship), I've got the totally decorated apartment, I've got the decked out car, I've got the wardrobe full of clothes and shoes. And now that I've accomplished all my goals I think I'm bored. I don't have a new challenge on the horizon and it's frustrating. I am a competitive, ambitious and driven person. I don't know how to operate without climbing to the top of some new goal in my life.

But for all the good that attributes like being ambitious can be in one's life, why do I feel like I continually have to prove something? Why can't I just sit back, bask in the fact that I've accomplished so much at 24 and relax for a bit? What demons am I running from that I feel I always have to be accomplishing something in order to be a worthwhile human being?