Monday, December 5, 2011

Too long

For far too long I have tried to please everyone and not taken care of myself.  I have given of myself even when it caused me stress and anxiety.  I have stayed silent about my frustrations and I have been run over.  I have suffered silently while putting on a polite smile.  I have ravaged my own self-worth desperately trying to live up to everyone else's expectations.

Today....I am done.  It is exhausting.

I am not angry.  I am not vindictive.  I am filled with a gentle peace with myself and a deep sorrow for others.

I have prayed for this day to come and it is here.  I have been absolved of that deep seeded anger at myself and at others.  God has heard my prayers and taken the weight off my shoulders.  I questioned Him through the entire journey - wondering if He was listening or if He even cared.  I was losing faith.

And all the while He was leading me to the place of peace.  I am peaceful.  My mind is at rest.  The demons have been settled.

I know now that God has not been testing me.  He has been providing opportunities for me to draw closer to not only Him but to my husband.  To create such a bond between the two of us that no man on this Earth can undo.  I am not angry at God for the trials of this year.  I rejoice in the fact that I have a stronger faith in Him and in my husband.

This does not mean that there aren't stormy skies ahead or that the beast of insecurity, anxiety and depression won't strike again but for this moment....I am calm.  My heart is calm.

And for that, I am thankful.

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