How do you forgive a stab to the heart? How do you knowingly stab someone that you "love" in the heart?
It is no secret that I've been hurt in love. After David I didn't form any long lasting relationships. I just dated freely because I couldn't bear the thought of giving my heart away to someone who could potentially rip it to shreds...again. My life was full of friends, late nights and lots of hazy memories. My dating life became a sort of joke - the punchline being my inability to commit for longer than three months.
But then, finally I met this guy. We formed a unique little friendship over beer and sports which gradually morphed into a loving relationship that lasted a whopping four months. I was happy - I was ecstatic even. More importantly, I felt loved for the person I truly am, and I was with someone whom I believed I could truly trust.
But...I was betrayed and got my heart stomped on by him - someone I believed would never hurt me. There's that cliche saying that girls tell other girls when boys make them cry...something about how no man is worth your tears and the one who is wonm't make you cry. Well, this morning, he made me cry. He made me sob. He made me feel as if the walls were closing in. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't speak. Apparently he's not that man over which I should be spilling my tears.
As everyone knows, I am a Sex and the City fan - not only because of the fabulous clothes and shoes, but also because of the frankness, the realness and the wittiness through which real life relationships are discussed and portrayed. There are dozens of episodes in which I can visualize myself having the exact same conversation with my own circle of girlfriends. I am not sure if it is art imitating life, or the opposite, but I have found my own personal Mr. Big. He's the guy that can take you everywhere and give you the world if you asked for it. But there is always that element of "do I really have him? Is he really mine?" Apparently, my Mr. Big was not mine. He is a loyal guy - to the fault actually. So loyal, in fact, that when an exgirlfriend is in need of a good friend...he takes her to Miami, less than 24 hours after he and I returned from Florida. Is that normal? I didn't think so. Should I be upset? Yes. Should I forgive him? Not sure yet. I just know that I feel like Carrie did in the SATC movie when Big doesn't show up for the wedding and then she sees him in the street. All her friends are so upset with him for hurting her, yet again. Right now, my friends and family are circling up the wagons and putting up the defenses. He's not going to get into my heart anymore to hurt me. He had his chance to be the man that I thought he was. He ruined it.
Showing posts with label Dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dating. Show all posts
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Special Ed
I teach middle school. In every school in America there are those students that have learning disabilities and such, that require them to have special modifications in the classroom in order for the student to be successful. The modifications range from a smaller amount of answer choices, to more time to work on a major paper and finally, the most common - preferential seating. These modifications are aimed at helping the struggling student become more successful in and out of the classroom.
I need modifications. For dating.
In order to qualify for special education and modifications, it must be proven that it is the student's disability that is causing them to not be successful. And, as much as some parent's would like to think - laziness is not a disability that is treatable by the special ed department. Proof of a disability first comes in the form of observations from the teacher backed up by physical evidence. Once a group of teachers has this evidence, it goes to a committee that can either recommend the student for special education testing, or decide that the student probably does not have a disability and send them back to the regular education classroom without any modifications. After the student has been sent to testing and a disability is diagnosed, the committee meets again and then decides, based on the disability and the needs of the student, what modifications inside the classroom should be made in order to ensure student success. These modifications are then passed along to the teachers, who are required by law to implement them to the best of their ability inside the classroom.
There...now that you have the basic process down, lets apply this to my dating love life.
1. Observation and physical evidence of a lack of success.
No relationship that I have since college (except for one) has lasted more than 3 months. And not all of these relationships have been with losers - many of them have been with successful and smart men.
2. A committee meeting to decide whether special ed testing is necessary.
I'm beginning to think that my friends and family are rather tired of my endless stream of failed relationships. My brother who particularly liked one of the men that I dated told me at the beginning of the relationship "Don't f*ck this one up." Point taken.
3. Special education testing to determine disability.
I consult http://web.tickle.com
- Are You a Secure Lover: You tend to have mixed feelings about relationships. A part of you may want to have a close, loving relationship, but another part of you may be somewhat uncomfortable with commitment. It's also likely that you are afraid others will let you down or abandon you. Although you tend to be open to relationships, you may not easily reveal the true you, and potential partners are likely to be intrigued about discovering the person you are deep down.
- Why Are You Still Single: You live alone and like it, thanksverymuch. Well, at least some of the time. You prefer coming and going as you please, and you don't like to be controlled or held responsible for someone else's schedule or needs. After all, you probably have plenty of friends, a satisfying career (or other projects to occupy your time), and you may simply not have room for another person right now — unless of course they can bend to meet your routine exactly. Does this sound familiar?
- The Love Personality Test: ISTJ - Being an ISTJ means that you are one cool customer. Although few would describe you as being warm, cuddly, or sentimental, many people likely see you as an important source of support in their lives. That's because when things are chaotic or falling apart, you're the type of person who can be virtually unflappable. ISTJs like you are known for being talented problem solvers. When it comes to your relationships, you usually know how to speak up for yourself so that others know what you want. But that doesn't mean you're rigid or inflexible. In fact, you're quite willing to bend for the right person. They just need to make their case honestly.
- What Are You Looking For In A Relationship: You're ready for an adventurous, free-spirited affair to remember. And if it comes in the form of someone who shakes up your world a bit, helps you expand your horizons, then decides to stay for awhile — all the better. It's not that you don't want a serious relationship. It's just that you might rather get there with someone who's equally committed to having fun for now. Ever wanted to drive up the coast or across your town in a red convertible? Interested in staying at a restaurant so late the chef himself joins you at the table for a late night cappuccino? Or are you really more into a no-strings-attached companion?For some people, a good fling starts with someone you can spend the whole day in bed with — whether you're under the covers or playing cards in your PJs. But for others a fling is just a light-hearted approach to finding a different way to spend quality time with someone new.
4. Analyze the test results
Well, the results seem to be mixed. It doesn't appear that I have any discernable disability with relationships. Maybe it's just that I have high expectations of how I think I should be treated. Maybe it's just that I'm, as much as I would like to think I am, really not ready for that total committed relationship. I think it's obvious that I've put myself out there to love and be loved in return and gotten my heart stepped on pretty badly. I think that it's natural for me to WANT to be more cautious...but that rarely stops me from falling head first.
In the end, I guess it turns out that I really don't need severe modifications for my dating...I need modifications for dealing with exes.
I need modifications. For dating.
In order to qualify for special education and modifications, it must be proven that it is the student's disability that is causing them to not be successful. And, as much as some parent's would like to think - laziness is not a disability that is treatable by the special ed department. Proof of a disability first comes in the form of observations from the teacher backed up by physical evidence. Once a group of teachers has this evidence, it goes to a committee that can either recommend the student for special education testing, or decide that the student probably does not have a disability and send them back to the regular education classroom without any modifications. After the student has been sent to testing and a disability is diagnosed, the committee meets again and then decides, based on the disability and the needs of the student, what modifications inside the classroom should be made in order to ensure student success. These modifications are then passed along to the teachers, who are required by law to implement them to the best of their ability inside the classroom.
There...now that you have the basic process down, lets apply this to my dating love life.
1. Observation and physical evidence of a lack of success.
No relationship that I have since college (except for one) has lasted more than 3 months. And not all of these relationships have been with losers - many of them have been with successful and smart men.
2. A committee meeting to decide whether special ed testing is necessary.
I'm beginning to think that my friends and family are rather tired of my endless stream of failed relationships. My brother who particularly liked one of the men that I dated told me at the beginning of the relationship "Don't f*ck this one up." Point taken.
3. Special education testing to determine disability.
I consult http://web.tickle.com
- Are You a Secure Lover: You tend to have mixed feelings about relationships. A part of you may want to have a close, loving relationship, but another part of you may be somewhat uncomfortable with commitment. It's also likely that you are afraid others will let you down or abandon you. Although you tend to be open to relationships, you may not easily reveal the true you, and potential partners are likely to be intrigued about discovering the person you are deep down.
- Why Are You Still Single: You live alone and like it, thanksverymuch. Well, at least some of the time. You prefer coming and going as you please, and you don't like to be controlled or held responsible for someone else's schedule or needs. After all, you probably have plenty of friends, a satisfying career (or other projects to occupy your time), and you may simply not have room for another person right now — unless of course they can bend to meet your routine exactly. Does this sound familiar?
- The Love Personality Test: ISTJ - Being an ISTJ means that you are one cool customer. Although few would describe you as being warm, cuddly, or sentimental, many people likely see you as an important source of support in their lives. That's because when things are chaotic or falling apart, you're the type of person who can be virtually unflappable. ISTJs like you are known for being talented problem solvers. When it comes to your relationships, you usually know how to speak up for yourself so that others know what you want. But that doesn't mean you're rigid or inflexible. In fact, you're quite willing to bend for the right person. They just need to make their case honestly.
- What Are You Looking For In A Relationship: You're ready for an adventurous, free-spirited affair to remember. And if it comes in the form of someone who shakes up your world a bit, helps you expand your horizons, then decides to stay for awhile — all the better. It's not that you don't want a serious relationship. It's just that you might rather get there with someone who's equally committed to having fun for now. Ever wanted to drive up the coast or across your town in a red convertible? Interested in staying at a restaurant so late the chef himself joins you at the table for a late night cappuccino? Or are you really more into a no-strings-attached companion?For some people, a good fling starts with someone you can spend the whole day in bed with — whether you're under the covers or playing cards in your PJs. But for others a fling is just a light-hearted approach to finding a different way to spend quality time with someone new.
4. Analyze the test results
Well, the results seem to be mixed. It doesn't appear that I have any discernable disability with relationships. Maybe it's just that I have high expectations of how I think I should be treated. Maybe it's just that I'm, as much as I would like to think I am, really not ready for that total committed relationship. I think it's obvious that I've put myself out there to love and be loved in return and gotten my heart stepped on pretty badly. I think that it's natural for me to WANT to be more cautious...but that rarely stops me from falling head first.
In the end, I guess it turns out that I really don't need severe modifications for my dating...I need modifications for dealing with exes.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Death of a Salesman
Awhile back I posted a list of men never to date...bartenders, fraternity guys, etc. And now I am adding another type of guy - the salesman.
I recently dated a guy in franchise sales. Tall, tan, dark hair with green eyes. Smart, funny - someone I could take anywhere and he would fit in. He always made everyone laugh and was intelligent to blend into any conversation. He made people want to talk to him and be around him.
The consummate salesman.
We've broken up, but still talking occasionally and having the dinner and drinks. I don't know if I'm putting feelings or expectations on these conversations and dinners that shouldn't or aren't there but I think they need to stop. Everytime I get off the phone or leave the restaurant, all I can think about is how much fun we have together - good conversation and lots of laughs. And then I sit there and wonder (like I'm doing right now) that if we have so much in common and we have such a good time together then why doesn't it work out? But I've come to realize that it's not about our interactions...it's his JOB to make people want to be around him - that's what pays his bills.
I understand how someone could break up with him and then keep wanting to go back. He makes you laugh, he gives good hugs, he listens and he's smart. Everytime you're around him he makes you think that things could work out...but unfortunately for him, it's all just part of the game.
In the immortal words...
He makes me think "I want you to want me" but it's all part of his cheap trick.
I recently dated a guy in franchise sales. Tall, tan, dark hair with green eyes. Smart, funny - someone I could take anywhere and he would fit in. He always made everyone laugh and was intelligent to blend into any conversation. He made people want to talk to him and be around him.
The consummate salesman.
We've broken up, but still talking occasionally and having the dinner and drinks. I don't know if I'm putting feelings or expectations on these conversations and dinners that shouldn't or aren't there but I think they need to stop. Everytime I get off the phone or leave the restaurant, all I can think about is how much fun we have together - good conversation and lots of laughs. And then I sit there and wonder (like I'm doing right now) that if we have so much in common and we have such a good time together then why doesn't it work out? But I've come to realize that it's not about our interactions...it's his JOB to make people want to be around him - that's what pays his bills.
I understand how someone could break up with him and then keep wanting to go back. He makes you laugh, he gives good hugs, he listens and he's smart. Everytime you're around him he makes you think that things could work out...but unfortunately for him, it's all just part of the game.
In the immortal words...
He makes me think "I want you to want me" but it's all part of his cheap trick.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
To me, couches are like men.
- A great place to rest my head during a nap.
- Best when simple with clean lines.
- A little bit of squishiness is okay, but not enough to sink in.
- Must be able to recline and help me relax.
- Stable and comfortable.
I am currently in the market for new couches. I am tired of the 15 year old flowered ones that I inherited from my parents during college. They tend to clash with my Ikea inspired minimalist and modern living room furniture and decor.
I am also a person who knows exactly what she likes and therefore what I want. I want modern. I want beige. I don't want fluff. I don't want huge pillows. I don't want anything frilly. I don't want 80s sleazy leather. I want elegance.
I have a picture in my head of what I want and I'm not willing to compromise. I don't care how great your sales are stupid Ashley furniture saleswoman. How many times did I tell you I DIDN'T want leather!
Anyways. I think my couch search is very similar to my manhunt. I know what I want in a man - and maybe he doesn't exist. Maybe I'm being too picky. (Please refer to my earlier experience with Match.com.) But when I'm going to spend a lot of money on furniture, or in the case of men - gamble my heart, shouldn't I expect to get exactly what I want? Why compromise with my standards?
- Best when simple with clean lines.
- A little bit of squishiness is okay, but not enough to sink in.
- Must be able to recline and help me relax.
- Stable and comfortable.
I am currently in the market for new couches. I am tired of the 15 year old flowered ones that I inherited from my parents during college. They tend to clash with my Ikea inspired minimalist and modern living room furniture and decor.
I am also a person who knows exactly what she likes and therefore what I want. I want modern. I want beige. I don't want fluff. I don't want huge pillows. I don't want anything frilly. I don't want 80s sleazy leather. I want elegance.
I have a picture in my head of what I want and I'm not willing to compromise. I don't care how great your sales are stupid Ashley furniture saleswoman. How many times did I tell you I DIDN'T want leather!
Anyways. I think my couch search is very similar to my manhunt. I know what I want in a man - and maybe he doesn't exist. Maybe I'm being too picky. (Please refer to my earlier experience with Match.com.) But when I'm going to spend a lot of money on furniture, or in the case of men - gamble my heart, shouldn't I expect to get exactly what I want? Why compromise with my standards?
Saturday, November 10, 2007
You can't take it all with you...
I'm not a light packer. I take a huge duffel bag for a weekend trip. I am the girl with the overflowing purse that could fit a small child. I carried a 50 pound bag around Europe for 12 days and still thought I hadn't brought enough clothes. The phrase "Don't leave home without it" applies to me. I don't leave home without EVERYTHING. My packing philosophy is borrowed from the Boy Scouts. I am always prepared for every possible clothing situation. I like options.
Luckily, I have worked hard to unpack the baggage in my emotional life. I was carrying the weight of David and all that drama around with me for so long, until a good friend in college told me some very wise advice. I tried not to take TOO much relationship advice from her since she had been married two or three times and had yet to blow out the candles on her 30th birthday cake, but that's besides the point. She gave me a real gem on this particular subject.
Emotional baggage shouldn't be something that you carry around with you on a daily basis. It's something like an old trunk of stuff that you keep up in the attic and never think about. Once in awhile, you go up to the attic, rummage around in the trunk, throw out some stuff and reorganize. You shut the trunk up and don't go back there for awhile.
Baggage is not a bad thing. It's a necessary evil of life. Like bridesmaids and groomsmen hooking up after weddings. It's not always what you wanted to happen, but who doesn't get a little pleasure out of being accosted in an elevator?
Everyone has baggage and when entering a relationship, you have to be aware that your potential partner will have some. And it's not always pretty.
Baggage can come in many forms from "Mommy and Daddy Didn't Love Me Enough" to "I Gave Her My Heart and She Stomped On It." Anyway you shake it, if the person doesn't have their baggage locked up in their attic storage, run far away.
When I was little and we would return from a trip, it was always my job to unpack my suitcase and sort the clothes out for washing. I could never convince any other member of my family to do it for me. Same goes with emotional baggage. It's not anybody else's job to sift through your baggage. It wasn't my job to solve or cure David's Daddy baggage, his I'm Not Good Enough baggage, or his It's All My Parent's Divorce's Fault baggage. He was carrying the Louis Vuitton of luggage - the complete set. And, as is in real life, the cost was way to high for me to invest in that type of luggage.
I don't want to have to help any more guys to get to a better place in their life - whether it be emotionally, economically or job wise. I'm where I want to be and I deserve a guy that is in the same place. I've packed away my baggage from David, but it doesn't mean that I'll ever forget what he did or how he made me feel. It's that knowledge that has and will (hopefully) prevent me from falling into the same trap. The more I live on my own, the more I get over the "Desperately Seeking Parent's Approval" baggage. I live my life to make ME happy and satisfied. I still have the "Be Number One or Be Nothing" baggage - but I think that's just part of who I am and not necessarily something to be "dealt" with as the other two were.
Bottom line: I am relatively baggage free and I deserve the same from the person I'm in a relationship with.
Luckily, I have worked hard to unpack the baggage in my emotional life. I was carrying the weight of David and all that drama around with me for so long, until a good friend in college told me some very wise advice. I tried not to take TOO much relationship advice from her since she had been married two or three times and had yet to blow out the candles on her 30th birthday cake, but that's besides the point. She gave me a real gem on this particular subject.
Emotional baggage shouldn't be something that you carry around with you on a daily basis. It's something like an old trunk of stuff that you keep up in the attic and never think about. Once in awhile, you go up to the attic, rummage around in the trunk, throw out some stuff and reorganize. You shut the trunk up and don't go back there for awhile.
Baggage is not a bad thing. It's a necessary evil of life. Like bridesmaids and groomsmen hooking up after weddings. It's not always what you wanted to happen, but who doesn't get a little pleasure out of being accosted in an elevator?
Everyone has baggage and when entering a relationship, you have to be aware that your potential partner will have some. And it's not always pretty.
Baggage can come in many forms from "Mommy and Daddy Didn't Love Me Enough" to "I Gave Her My Heart and She Stomped On It." Anyway you shake it, if the person doesn't have their baggage locked up in their attic storage, run far away.
When I was little and we would return from a trip, it was always my job to unpack my suitcase and sort the clothes out for washing. I could never convince any other member of my family to do it for me. Same goes with emotional baggage. It's not anybody else's job to sift through your baggage. It wasn't my job to solve or cure David's Daddy baggage, his I'm Not Good Enough baggage, or his It's All My Parent's Divorce's Fault baggage. He was carrying the Louis Vuitton of luggage - the complete set. And, as is in real life, the cost was way to high for me to invest in that type of luggage.
I don't want to have to help any more guys to get to a better place in their life - whether it be emotionally, economically or job wise. I'm where I want to be and I deserve a guy that is in the same place. I've packed away my baggage from David, but it doesn't mean that I'll ever forget what he did or how he made me feel. It's that knowledge that has and will (hopefully) prevent me from falling into the same trap. The more I live on my own, the more I get over the "Desperately Seeking Parent's Approval" baggage. I live my life to make ME happy and satisfied. I still have the "Be Number One or Be Nothing" baggage - but I think that's just part of who I am and not necessarily something to be "dealt" with as the other two were.
Bottom line: I am relatively baggage free and I deserve the same from the person I'm in a relationship with.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Words of Wisdom from SATC
Since being introduced to Sex and the City by my former roommate, I have fallen in love with the show. I can see myself and relate to every episode, but by far, my favorite is the last episode because of the following quotes made by Carrie.
At the end of an emotionally unfufilling relationship with the Russian:
"I am someone who is looking for love. REAL love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't live without each other love."
At the end of the final episode; regarding relationships.
"There are those who open you to something new and exotic. There are those that are old and familiar. There are those that bring up lots of questions. There are those that bring you somewhere unexpected. There are those that bring you far from where you started. There are those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone who loves the you you love, well that's fabulous."
I couldn't have put it any better myself.
At the end of an emotionally unfufilling relationship with the Russian:
"I am someone who is looking for love. REAL love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't live without each other love."
At the end of the final episode; regarding relationships.
"There are those who open you to something new and exotic. There are those that are old and familiar. There are those that bring up lots of questions. There are those that bring you somewhere unexpected. There are those that bring you far from where you started. There are those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone who loves the you you love, well that's fabulous."
I couldn't have put it any better myself.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Break Up Still On!
In every relationship there's always that awkward "here's your stuff back" meeting. I had that with my ex tonight. I went over there nervous and determined to set this relationship back on course...but then I was harshly reminded of why it ended.
And I left with a proud and satisfied smile on my face.
Let me give you the rundown...
The ex...let's call him "Girl Scout" or GS for short. (KLK will remember that one.) Right now, I just need to list out some grievances I had with him, since he so obviously did NOT want to listen to me talk about how he upset me...EVER.
- It was always about him: HIS friends, HIS time, HIS apartment. I would stay at HIS house and then get up and DRIVE 45 minutes to get to work at 7:30...fair? I think not. I compromised but he always came over to my place - grudgingly.
- He was sooo hard to commit to dates. Me: "Hey, let's hang out this week - what's your schedule like? I would really rather not wait until this weekend to see you." Him: "I don't know what my days are going to be like. I'll let you know." No. If you are with me and you WANT to be with me, then you will make the time to see me. Lesson numero uno that I learned from "He's Just Not That Into You" but that lesson is so much easier to see when it's in black and white print then when you're living it.
- If I got upset with some way that he treated me (most of the time, condescendingly) he would turn every grievance that I had towards him into some way that I had mistreated or not listened to him. I understand that he might not have always agreed with the way that I felt but that is never a reason to be rude to me and put me down. A little message to GS: grow up and realize that boys and girls are different for more reasons than whats in their pants. I deal with stuff differently, none of which is reason to make me feel terrible and bad about myself. You made me begin to doubt my own feelings and feel bad about being ME. Grandma would be so disappointed. And she wouldn't have liked you for it - even if you are an Aggie.
- The age difference between GS and myself? About two years calendar wise and one year in school. I am not a child. I do not deserve to be talked to like one. And no, you can't justify your actions by telling me that you're frustrated because you have to always repeat yourself to me. If you would make sense in the FIRST place, then there would be no communication problems.
- Hypocrite, hypocrite, hypocrite. Before you EVER begin talking about how self-centered I am, please...take a good LONG look in the mirror. It was always about how YOU felt and how I somehow should have changed my actions to more anticipate your ever changing needs. And on that note - you say you are a SIMPLE person? HA! A week alone in the Dr. Phil House with Dr. Phil himself couldn't get you figured out.
- Appreciate me. Don't put me down. I'm always up for a laugh at someone else's or my own expense. But there are times when I need to be validated. You wouldn't kick a dog when it's down so don't make me feel even crappier about my day then I already did. When a dog poops on the carpet and you yell at the dog - it knows what it did wrong. You don't need to rub the dog's nose in it. I am not a dog. Stop rubbing my nose in how I messed up during the day.
- You say I changed once school started. Are you seriously retarded?!? Of COURSE my personality is going to change - I went from sleeping in until 11:00 every day and the most difficult decision I made each day was which swimsuit to wear to the pool or lake. And you knocked me for not doing anything each day, but I think it's really because you were jealous. And don't remind me of the time that you said it did bother you that I was in a career path that wouldn't make much money...ever. Oh excuse me for being CONTENT with my purpose in life. I don't know what you have to prove with your fancy boat, big truck and even bigger ego - but it was all trying to cover up something you so desperately did NOT want people to see. And I have a feeling it was the personality that I witnessed. I love my job and you should have been proud of me for that.
- I got a tattoo on my hip: Passione, which is passion in Italian. It reminds me never to become what I became with you - a YES woman who tried so desperately to keep her man happy, when the truth was - you aren't man enough to recognize your own flaws. Or maybe I just didn't mean enough to you for you to try and compromise with me. And for that, I'm angry at you for letting things drag on to the point of me writing an entire blog about how there's something so WRONG with me that no one can love me. I will NEVER again allow someone to take my passion away from me. It's one of the things that I treasure the most about my Grandma and my mother and now that it's tatted on my body, I will never be without it.
I know that he's probably sitting there thinking about how I'll never change and what a controlling not-nice-person I am or whatever. I'd like to think that I think and see things pretty clearly. I would also like to think that I know myself better than he does. As do my friends.
And they all think you're not good enough for me.
And I agree.
And I left with a proud and satisfied smile on my face.
Let me give you the rundown...
The ex...let's call him "Girl Scout" or GS for short. (KLK will remember that one.) Right now, I just need to list out some grievances I had with him, since he so obviously did NOT want to listen to me talk about how he upset me...EVER.
- It was always about him: HIS friends, HIS time, HIS apartment. I would stay at HIS house and then get up and DRIVE 45 minutes to get to work at 7:30...fair? I think not. I compromised but he always came over to my place - grudgingly.
- He was sooo hard to commit to dates. Me: "Hey, let's hang out this week - what's your schedule like? I would really rather not wait until this weekend to see you." Him: "I don't know what my days are going to be like. I'll let you know." No. If you are with me and you WANT to be with me, then you will make the time to see me. Lesson numero uno that I learned from "He's Just Not That Into You" but that lesson is so much easier to see when it's in black and white print then when you're living it.
- If I got upset with some way that he treated me (most of the time, condescendingly) he would turn every grievance that I had towards him into some way that I had mistreated or not listened to him. I understand that he might not have always agreed with the way that I felt but that is never a reason to be rude to me and put me down. A little message to GS: grow up and realize that boys and girls are different for more reasons than whats in their pants. I deal with stuff differently, none of which is reason to make me feel terrible and bad about myself. You made me begin to doubt my own feelings and feel bad about being ME. Grandma would be so disappointed. And she wouldn't have liked you for it - even if you are an Aggie.
- The age difference between GS and myself? About two years calendar wise and one year in school. I am not a child. I do not deserve to be talked to like one. And no, you can't justify your actions by telling me that you're frustrated because you have to always repeat yourself to me. If you would make sense in the FIRST place, then there would be no communication problems.
- Hypocrite, hypocrite, hypocrite. Before you EVER begin talking about how self-centered I am, please...take a good LONG look in the mirror. It was always about how YOU felt and how I somehow should have changed my actions to more anticipate your ever changing needs. And on that note - you say you are a SIMPLE person? HA! A week alone in the Dr. Phil House with Dr. Phil himself couldn't get you figured out.
- Appreciate me. Don't put me down. I'm always up for a laugh at someone else's or my own expense. But there are times when I need to be validated. You wouldn't kick a dog when it's down so don't make me feel even crappier about my day then I already did. When a dog poops on the carpet and you yell at the dog - it knows what it did wrong. You don't need to rub the dog's nose in it. I am not a dog. Stop rubbing my nose in how I messed up during the day.
- You say I changed once school started. Are you seriously retarded?!? Of COURSE my personality is going to change - I went from sleeping in until 11:00 every day and the most difficult decision I made each day was which swimsuit to wear to the pool or lake. And you knocked me for not doing anything each day, but I think it's really because you were jealous. And don't remind me of the time that you said it did bother you that I was in a career path that wouldn't make much money...ever. Oh excuse me for being CONTENT with my purpose in life. I don't know what you have to prove with your fancy boat, big truck and even bigger ego - but it was all trying to cover up something you so desperately did NOT want people to see. And I have a feeling it was the personality that I witnessed. I love my job and you should have been proud of me for that.
- I got a tattoo on my hip: Passione, which is passion in Italian. It reminds me never to become what I became with you - a YES woman who tried so desperately to keep her man happy, when the truth was - you aren't man enough to recognize your own flaws. Or maybe I just didn't mean enough to you for you to try and compromise with me. And for that, I'm angry at you for letting things drag on to the point of me writing an entire blog about how there's something so WRONG with me that no one can love me. I will NEVER again allow someone to take my passion away from me. It's one of the things that I treasure the most about my Grandma and my mother and now that it's tatted on my body, I will never be without it.
I know that he's probably sitting there thinking about how I'll never change and what a controlling not-nice-person I am or whatever. I'd like to think that I think and see things pretty clearly. I would also like to think that I know myself better than he does. As do my friends.
And they all think you're not good enough for me.
And I agree.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Another one bites the dust...
Against my better judgment, I got involved in a relationship at the beginning of July. It was against my better judgment for several reasons:
- My 6 months wasn't over and I wasn't sure if I was REALLY ready to get involved with someone again.
- He was my best friend's ex boyfriend from high school.
But, I forged ahead because we had such a good time together - always laughing and making fun of stuff. We went to the lake - he taught me how to wakeboard and then took me to the emergency room when I tore the muscle in my back. We watched a lot of movies and looked forward to Sunday nights because of Rock Of Love on VH1. He made me laugh and made me feel funny, smart and like a good person. He is tall, smart, athletic and funny. He has a big truck with a boat and a sense of adventure and fun.
So...why am I not with him anymore you ask?
As always - it's the attack of the three month curse. I can't seem to date anyone past 3 months. My longest relationship is a year and a half. That was in college with David. Out of all the people that I have dated, my longest, most involved relationship was also the most dysfunctional. I have dated great, nice guys (Justin and now Greg) but for some reason I can't make it work. I am really beginning to think that there is something seriously wrong with me. It's almost a joke with other people in my life. I'm tired of getting all excited about a guy only to have my hopes dashed in three months. Or maybe, it's like my friend Kate told me - every relationship goes through that re-evaluating time at 3 months in the beginning. Maybe I just haven't found someone who is worth keeping around past those three months. Maybe I haven't found someone that is worth the work to keep them past three months. But I truly thought that he could be that person. I bent over backward to try to make him happy, but for some reason I never felt like I was doing anything right. And maybe that's a sign that we shouldn't be together. Or maybe I was just trying to keep it altogether because I don't want to hear the "I told you so" from my friend. Maybe I felt like I had sacrificed so much (a 10 year long friendship) that I couldn't bear to know that I ruined that friendship for a guy that only lasted 3 months.
I really liked him. Well, I guess it's not really past tense yet - I still DO like him but I don't think it's going to work out.
I need someone to feel passionate about me. I want someone to love me like my friends and family love me. Yes, sometimes I can be a little crazy and neurotic and maybe even needy - but they look past it and see that I'm funny, smart, creative and fiercly loyal. And just love me for that. Once again, I am left with the overwhelming and devastating feeling that there is simply SO unlovable about me that I will never find true love. I want that type of love that's in the movies. I want that "Notebook" romance - I don't do anything in my life halfway and I refuse to be in a relationship where I feel that I'm being treated and felt about only halfway.
I just want to be loved, but I don't think I'll ever meet someone who is capable of loving me in the way that I feel I need to be loved.
Maybe I'll just get a dog - they provide unconditional love, right?
- My 6 months wasn't over and I wasn't sure if I was REALLY ready to get involved with someone again.
- He was my best friend's ex boyfriend from high school.
But, I forged ahead because we had such a good time together - always laughing and making fun of stuff. We went to the lake - he taught me how to wakeboard and then took me to the emergency room when I tore the muscle in my back. We watched a lot of movies and looked forward to Sunday nights because of Rock Of Love on VH1. He made me laugh and made me feel funny, smart and like a good person. He is tall, smart, athletic and funny. He has a big truck with a boat and a sense of adventure and fun.
So...why am I not with him anymore you ask?
As always - it's the attack of the three month curse. I can't seem to date anyone past 3 months. My longest relationship is a year and a half. That was in college with David. Out of all the people that I have dated, my longest, most involved relationship was also the most dysfunctional. I have dated great, nice guys (Justin and now Greg) but for some reason I can't make it work. I am really beginning to think that there is something seriously wrong with me. It's almost a joke with other people in my life. I'm tired of getting all excited about a guy only to have my hopes dashed in three months. Or maybe, it's like my friend Kate told me - every relationship goes through that re-evaluating time at 3 months in the beginning. Maybe I just haven't found someone who is worth keeping around past those three months. Maybe I haven't found someone that is worth the work to keep them past three months. But I truly thought that he could be that person. I bent over backward to try to make him happy, but for some reason I never felt like I was doing anything right. And maybe that's a sign that we shouldn't be together. Or maybe I was just trying to keep it altogether because I don't want to hear the "I told you so" from my friend. Maybe I felt like I had sacrificed so much (a 10 year long friendship) that I couldn't bear to know that I ruined that friendship for a guy that only lasted 3 months.
I really liked him. Well, I guess it's not really past tense yet - I still DO like him but I don't think it's going to work out.
I need someone to feel passionate about me. I want someone to love me like my friends and family love me. Yes, sometimes I can be a little crazy and neurotic and maybe even needy - but they look past it and see that I'm funny, smart, creative and fiercly loyal. And just love me for that. Once again, I am left with the overwhelming and devastating feeling that there is simply SO unlovable about me that I will never find true love. I want that type of love that's in the movies. I want that "Notebook" romance - I don't do anything in my life halfway and I refuse to be in a relationship where I feel that I'm being treated and felt about only halfway.
I just want to be loved, but I don't think I'll ever meet someone who is capable of loving me in the way that I feel I need to be loved.
Maybe I'll just get a dog - they provide unconditional love, right?
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
It's Been Awhile
So....it's been awhile since I've last blogged and I think the reason is that I have actually been really happy for the past month. It's so easy to sit here and be upset or contemplative or depressed and write a whole long entry voicing my frustrations and complaints but when it comes to being happy and writing about it...it's a lot harder.
For those of you keeping score...if you guessed that my six month break would last three months - you win the prize.
At the beginning of July, I went out on a old guy friend's boat and we kind of fell into each other. He's smart, funny, attractive, ambitious and active. We have a great time together - whether it's out with friends, sitting around watching tv or at the lake. He makes me laugh. And he makes me feel good about myself (not that I need his compliments in order to boost my self esteem, but you know). He makes me want to be myself because that's the person that he's attracted to.
It all sounds so great, right?
Unfortunately, there's always a little snag and this time it's a big snag. He used to date one of my very close friends in high school and on and off after we graduated. I'm not going to get into the details of these relationships right now out of respect for my friend. But I would like her to know, if she's reading, that I'm sorry for the communication issues we had. You know that my intention was never to hurt you. I was scared to talk about him to you because I didn't want you to feel like I was rubbing in your face that we were dating. I understand that right now what you need is space, but I hope that in the future we can rebuild our friendship.
Yesterday was my birthday and I had a GREAT time. Friday, a friend of mine from high school and I celebrated our joint birthdays (his is July 28th) by going to dinner in FW and then to our reserved tables complete with bottle service at a chic bar downtown. It was a pretty great night, unfortunately because of our bill, I will NOT be buying any new school clothes. A lot of people gasped at the amount of money he and I layed down for this party....but the way I see it - this is my first real grown up party. I have worked hard for the past few years graduating college and getting a great paying job doing what I love. Why not celebrate my 24th birthday in style? It's not like I'm ever going to do this again...it's definitely not a weekly thing by any means. I felt like I was not only celebrating my 24th birthday but also the fact that I have reached a point in my life where I can look around and feel satisfied. I cleaned my apartment on my birthday - not exactly glamorous, but it needed to be done. When I was finished and I was getting ready to leave to eat dinner with my parents, brother and his crew, the boyfriend and my fairy godmother and her husband, I looked around my apartment and I was satisfied and proud. The bf and I talked about this the other night on the way home from a very successful trip to the lake for a little wakeboarding (I got outside and back inside the wake and rode the board while he did a turn with the boat!!!). I really have no reason to be upset or depressed about my situation in life. I've got a great family and equally wonderful friends. I found a relationship that I'm really excited about (and the feeling is mutual). I have a great job which provides with an ample salary to keep up a fabulous and spacious apartment, a car payment for my awesome Acura, and a closet full of clothes and shoes. What more could I really ask for?
So, as I stand at the edge of a new year of my life and a new school year....I'm satisfied and optimistic. I am feeling pretty confident that I'm going to be okay.
For those of you keeping score...if you guessed that my six month break would last three months - you win the prize.
At the beginning of July, I went out on a old guy friend's boat and we kind of fell into each other. He's smart, funny, attractive, ambitious and active. We have a great time together - whether it's out with friends, sitting around watching tv or at the lake. He makes me laugh. And he makes me feel good about myself (not that I need his compliments in order to boost my self esteem, but you know). He makes me want to be myself because that's the person that he's attracted to.
It all sounds so great, right?
Unfortunately, there's always a little snag and this time it's a big snag. He used to date one of my very close friends in high school and on and off after we graduated. I'm not going to get into the details of these relationships right now out of respect for my friend. But I would like her to know, if she's reading, that I'm sorry for the communication issues we had. You know that my intention was never to hurt you. I was scared to talk about him to you because I didn't want you to feel like I was rubbing in your face that we were dating. I understand that right now what you need is space, but I hope that in the future we can rebuild our friendship.
Yesterday was my birthday and I had a GREAT time. Friday, a friend of mine from high school and I celebrated our joint birthdays (his is July 28th) by going to dinner in FW and then to our reserved tables complete with bottle service at a chic bar downtown. It was a pretty great night, unfortunately because of our bill, I will NOT be buying any new school clothes. A lot of people gasped at the amount of money he and I layed down for this party....but the way I see it - this is my first real grown up party. I have worked hard for the past few years graduating college and getting a great paying job doing what I love. Why not celebrate my 24th birthday in style? It's not like I'm ever going to do this again...it's definitely not a weekly thing by any means. I felt like I was not only celebrating my 24th birthday but also the fact that I have reached a point in my life where I can look around and feel satisfied. I cleaned my apartment on my birthday - not exactly glamorous, but it needed to be done. When I was finished and I was getting ready to leave to eat dinner with my parents, brother and his crew, the boyfriend and my fairy godmother and her husband, I looked around my apartment and I was satisfied and proud. The bf and I talked about this the other night on the way home from a very successful trip to the lake for a little wakeboarding (I got outside and back inside the wake and rode the board while he did a turn with the boat!!!). I really have no reason to be upset or depressed about my situation in life. I've got a great family and equally wonderful friends. I found a relationship that I'm really excited about (and the feeling is mutual). I have a great job which provides with an ample salary to keep up a fabulous and spacious apartment, a car payment for my awesome Acura, and a closet full of clothes and shoes. What more could I really ask for?
So, as I stand at the edge of a new year of my life and a new school year....I'm satisfied and optimistic. I am feeling pretty confident that I'm going to be okay.
Friday, June 1, 2007
The Cheese's Least Wanted
Since I graduated college, I have been forming a little list in my head of people NOT to date. This list includes...
- Fraternity boys, or college guys in general
- Waiters
- Guys that never went to college, or didn't finish
- Anyone under 6'2, which limits my possibilities, but it is important to me
And now I can add another one to the list: BARTENDERS
Yes, yes, I know - this should be a given. But...I like to learn through experience.
Hot bartenders are like animals in the zoo - they're fun to look at and to flirt with, and in my case - a necessity for life, but ultimately, they need to stay in their cage, aka behind the bar.
- Fraternity boys, or college guys in general
- Waiters
- Guys that never went to college, or didn't finish
- Anyone under 6'2, which limits my possibilities, but it is important to me
And now I can add another one to the list: BARTENDERS
Yes, yes, I know - this should be a given. But...I like to learn through experience.
Hot bartenders are like animals in the zoo - they're fun to look at and to flirt with, and in my case - a necessity for life, but ultimately, they need to stay in their cage, aka behind the bar.
Monday, May 21, 2007
Confusion
So...it's been awhile since I've blogged but it's mostly due to the fact that I haven't really had anything to blog about. I took a few weeks off from the bar scene and actually stayed at home on both Friday AND Saturday nights. This was good for a few reasons - first of all, when you're not at the bar with a guy by your side, a night out drinking costs a LOT more. And also...I'm learning to be alone, but more importantly - to be OKAY when I'm alone.
There has been something else running through my neurotic, slightly self-obsessed and very vain little brain lately. All through college and post college up until this point, I always had to be dating the IT guy. Maybe it started with the pressure from the sorority to date only the guys from the hottest fraternity, despite the fact that they were complete neaderthals or maybe I was trying to compensate for not ever feeling like I was considered pretty and "date-able" by the hot guys in middle and high school. Whatever the reason, I dated the beautiful men. The ones that should be on the cover of GQ although they didn't have two brain cells to rub together. Beautiful, but incredibly vapid. I always pictured myself marrying a beautiful man and having beautiful children living in a beautiful house driving beautiful cars and blah, blah, blah. Sadly, I was, well I still am, so concerned with what people from high school and college think of the guys that I date. I want them to see the pictures I post on myspace or facebook and think "Damn! She looks good - and look at her hot boyfriend." But, why do I have ANYTHING to prove to them? The people I truly care about don't care about the GQMP (GQ Model Potential) of a guy that I date. They just want to make sure that he treats me right and I'm happy in the relationship in general.
When I expressed this sentiment to my middle brother, Mike, who has always been the "screw 'em if they don't like it" kind of guy, he seemed relieved that I had finally come to this conclusion.
"Munchkin Butt (his affectionate nickname for me) you're finally growing up."
I personally think that it's more than just growing up. Everyone grows up because everyone has a birthday, but not everyone MATURES. And maybe that's the difference. Maybe I'm trying to mature in the type of people I date and the type of relationships that I form. I'm not looking for some amazingly beautiful guy that I can take out just to impress my friends. In truth, they'd be more impressed if he had a real job with a steady income and could hold a conversation at dinner.
There has been something else running through my neurotic, slightly self-obsessed and very vain little brain lately. All through college and post college up until this point, I always had to be dating the IT guy. Maybe it started with the pressure from the sorority to date only the guys from the hottest fraternity, despite the fact that they were complete neaderthals or maybe I was trying to compensate for not ever feeling like I was considered pretty and "date-able" by the hot guys in middle and high school. Whatever the reason, I dated the beautiful men. The ones that should be on the cover of GQ although they didn't have two brain cells to rub together. Beautiful, but incredibly vapid. I always pictured myself marrying a beautiful man and having beautiful children living in a beautiful house driving beautiful cars and blah, blah, blah. Sadly, I was, well I still am, so concerned with what people from high school and college think of the guys that I date. I want them to see the pictures I post on myspace or facebook and think "Damn! She looks good - and look at her hot boyfriend." But, why do I have ANYTHING to prove to them? The people I truly care about don't care about the GQMP (GQ Model Potential) of a guy that I date. They just want to make sure that he treats me right and I'm happy in the relationship in general.
When I expressed this sentiment to my middle brother, Mike, who has always been the "screw 'em if they don't like it" kind of guy, he seemed relieved that I had finally come to this conclusion.
"Munchkin Butt (his affectionate nickname for me) you're finally growing up."
I personally think that it's more than just growing up. Everyone grows up because everyone has a birthday, but not everyone MATURES. And maybe that's the difference. Maybe I'm trying to mature in the type of people I date and the type of relationships that I form. I'm not looking for some amazingly beautiful guy that I can take out just to impress my friends. In truth, they'd be more impressed if he had a real job with a steady income and could hold a conversation at dinner.
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Desert
Influenced by those intriguing Match.com commercials, I looked.
I put in my basic preferences:
- tall, athletic
- works out occasionally
- social drinker
- Catholic or Protestant
- Educated and making money
- Never married without any kids
I sat and waited for the man of my dreams to pop up on my screen and within 10 seconds, my 23 years of searching would be over.
But instead, I got this message:
"We couldn't find any matches for that search, but don't let that stop you."
If that isn't a sign from the Gods, I don't know what is.
I put in my basic preferences:
- tall, athletic
- works out occasionally
- social drinker
- Catholic or Protestant
- Educated and making money
- Never married without any kids
I sat and waited for the man of my dreams to pop up on my screen and within 10 seconds, my 23 years of searching would be over.
But instead, I got this message:
"We couldn't find any matches for that search, but don't let that stop you."
If that isn't a sign from the Gods, I don't know what is.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Blah
Well, I'm beginning my fourth week of this little experiment of mine and things are definitely getting easier. It also helps that there was a severe lack of good looking men in the Uptown/Addison area last night.
I ran into some guys that I went to college with and who were in the same fraternity as my most significant ex-boyfriend.
The dreaded David.
He and I met at the beginning of our junior year of college and we dated for about a year and a half. When things were good, they were very, very good. But when things were bad, it was hell. In the end, I had to c0me to the realization that he loved alcohol more than me and that was a fact that was never going to change. In essence, I couldn't change him, I couldn't make him realize the kind of man that he could have been, I couldn't fight for his success more than he was fighting.
Anyways. It's been over for two years. My life has gone on. I've become a successful independent person. And, according to his fraternity brothers, he is still doing the same old thing. Drinking and becoming belligerent and alienating everyone close to him. Awesome. It's just sad. I put so much time and effort into trying to make him better and it was all for nothing. He's exactly the same. I put my entire self on hold for him. I wrote his papers. I should really have two degrees - education and kineisiology. How many nights did I wake up to and deal with his drunken rages on the phone or outside of my apartment window? I forgave him and gave him a second chance after he punched holes in my walls. And still, he didn't figure it out. At the end of the relationship I was devastated at the fact that I had really gone through all that hell with him. But, I held on to the fact that maybe I had saved another girl from the destruction that Drunken Hurricane David could produce. Apparently, I was very wrong.
It sucks that I had to go through this relationship because, although it will be two years in May that we broke up, I am still feeling the effects of the dysfunctional relationship that I had with him. I don't want to sit here and blame him for my lack of success with men since him, but at the same time...he really did some damage to my general outlook on and expectations of men and relationships. Thus, here I am taking six months off and blogging about it.
I'm not going to sit here and lie - being alone sucks. Especially when I look on myspace or facebook and I see pictures of my peers having weddings, going on trips with significant others and other stuff like that. They all look so damn happy. It's the little things that I feel like I'm missing out on. Do you know how tough it is to carry a trunk full of groceries up three flights of stairs? A couple weeks ago I was having horrible back pain and had to get an MRI. I went home to my apartment after my doctor's appointment, dreading the upcoming MRI and I had no one to be concerned about me. Obviously, I had my parents, my family and my friends...but as much as they love me...it's just not the same.
I ran into some guys that I went to college with and who were in the same fraternity as my most significant ex-boyfriend.
The dreaded David.
He and I met at the beginning of our junior year of college and we dated for about a year and a half. When things were good, they were very, very good. But when things were bad, it was hell. In the end, I had to c0me to the realization that he loved alcohol more than me and that was a fact that was never going to change. In essence, I couldn't change him, I couldn't make him realize the kind of man that he could have been, I couldn't fight for his success more than he was fighting.
Anyways. It's been over for two years. My life has gone on. I've become a successful independent person. And, according to his fraternity brothers, he is still doing the same old thing. Drinking and becoming belligerent and alienating everyone close to him. Awesome. It's just sad. I put so much time and effort into trying to make him better and it was all for nothing. He's exactly the same. I put my entire self on hold for him. I wrote his papers. I should really have two degrees - education and kineisiology. How many nights did I wake up to and deal with his drunken rages on the phone or outside of my apartment window? I forgave him and gave him a second chance after he punched holes in my walls. And still, he didn't figure it out. At the end of the relationship I was devastated at the fact that I had really gone through all that hell with him. But, I held on to the fact that maybe I had saved another girl from the destruction that Drunken Hurricane David could produce. Apparently, I was very wrong.
It sucks that I had to go through this relationship because, although it will be two years in May that we broke up, I am still feeling the effects of the dysfunctional relationship that I had with him. I don't want to sit here and blame him for my lack of success with men since him, but at the same time...he really did some damage to my general outlook on and expectations of men and relationships. Thus, here I am taking six months off and blogging about it.
I'm not going to sit here and lie - being alone sucks. Especially when I look on myspace or facebook and I see pictures of my peers having weddings, going on trips with significant others and other stuff like that. They all look so damn happy. It's the little things that I feel like I'm missing out on. Do you know how tough it is to carry a trunk full of groceries up three flights of stairs? A couple weeks ago I was having horrible back pain and had to get an MRI. I went home to my apartment after my doctor's appointment, dreading the upcoming MRI and I had no one to be concerned about me. Obviously, I had my parents, my family and my friends...but as much as they love me...it's just not the same.
Monday, April 9, 2007
Unspecial
My parents are kind of a big deal. People KNOW them.
They've lived in this area when it was a playground for dinosaurs and they have attended the same Catholic church since Jesus himself was the priest. Needless to say, there are a LOT of people around town that can all chime in: "I remember Laura when she was knee high!" Awesome. So, when I am out with my mother and we run into somebody, I always get asked the same questions.
"So. What are you doing now?"
Easy. I teach. I enjoy it. I like the people I work with. The kids and parents have their moments, but overall, I give it two thumbs up. I like making money and spending it on myself.
Then there's the OTHER question to which I will quote from Sex and the City.
Happily Married Woman: "So. Are you seeing anyone special?"
Miranda: "Nope. No one special. But I am seeing a lot of UNspecial ones!"
I think I'm going to go with Miranda's answer on this question from now on.
Answering the dating question is so awkward. I feel like I'm some freak of nature or something. I mean, I'm attractive, smart, ambitious, and mildly funny...so...what's the problem? After every let down in dating a guy, I always think "What is so wrong with me that I am unlovable?"
All my friends are racing past me to adulthood, while I'm still putting my mom and dad as emergency contacts. It almost made me cry in the doctor's waiting room.
I just keep reminding myself...by waiting to get married, I'm really waiting for the bigger ring. :)
They've lived in this area when it was a playground for dinosaurs and they have attended the same Catholic church since Jesus himself was the priest. Needless to say, there are a LOT of people around town that can all chime in: "I remember Laura when she was knee high!" Awesome. So, when I am out with my mother and we run into somebody, I always get asked the same questions.
"So. What are you doing now?"
Easy. I teach. I enjoy it. I like the people I work with. The kids and parents have their moments, but overall, I give it two thumbs up. I like making money and spending it on myself.
Then there's the OTHER question to which I will quote from Sex and the City.
Happily Married Woman: "So. Are you seeing anyone special?"
Miranda: "Nope. No one special. But I am seeing a lot of UNspecial ones!"
I think I'm going to go with Miranda's answer on this question from now on.
Answering the dating question is so awkward. I feel like I'm some freak of nature or something. I mean, I'm attractive, smart, ambitious, and mildly funny...so...what's the problem? After every let down in dating a guy, I always think "What is so wrong with me that I am unlovable?"
All my friends are racing past me to adulthood, while I'm still putting my mom and dad as emergency contacts. It almost made me cry in the doctor's waiting room.
I just keep reminding myself...by waiting to get married, I'm really waiting for the bigger ring. :)
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
No Boys Allowed
To be the cheese means to stand alone, in all meanings of the word. All the girlfriends I have are either married or in committed relationships and I'm still guy hopping at the bar, and subsequently finding myself in a stream of meaningless, dead-end, dating relationships. I'm tired of unfulfilling interactions. I'm tired of wasting my time and I'm tired of the roller coaster of up and down emotions brought on by the initial excitement and then eventual let down of every guy. I've gotten motion sickness and I'm getting off the ride.
Thus my 6 month sabbatical from dating.
Men and relationships in my life have been like fast food. Quick, easy and good on the first bite, but always you a little sick and bloated a few hours later. In short, I'm on a dating diet.
So, I'll be standing alone for the next six months. Although I've lived on my own for a year, I've always had a guy to put together furniture and fix the DVD player. But, it's time that I suck it up and figure out how to hook up the machine myself. Unfortunately, unlike my DVD player, I have no user's manual for the next six months of my life. And since bets are being made on my success (or more accurately, my demise) I feel I should set some ground rules:
1) No blind dates, no getting set up, no group dates, no dates with ex's of any kind. I may go out IN a group with men, as long as there is no romantical interest
2) No physical activities
3) No picking up guys at bars. This is hard; it's so satisfying to bait a guys attention and reel him in. But all I've caught lately is a bunch o minnows.
4) Friendships are the key - I will develop friendships with men and allow them the opportunity to earn my trust and companionship.
5) Men will NOT e the major focus of my life - I have plenty of beautiful and fabulous friends to entertain me, as well as the gym and pool to keep me busy.
**I reserve the right to modify these rules at ANY time as long as it is in the interest of my six month campaign.
The bottom line of WHY I'm doing this, to answer all the open mouth stares I've received, is to truly become happy with myself and being alone by myself. And when I have successfully acheived that, I believe that I will be able to pass by the minnows and find the real catch.
Thus my 6 month sabbatical from dating.
Men and relationships in my life have been like fast food. Quick, easy and good on the first bite, but always you a little sick and bloated a few hours later. In short, I'm on a dating diet.
So, I'll be standing alone for the next six months. Although I've lived on my own for a year, I've always had a guy to put together furniture and fix the DVD player. But, it's time that I suck it up and figure out how to hook up the machine myself. Unfortunately, unlike my DVD player, I have no user's manual for the next six months of my life. And since bets are being made on my success (or more accurately, my demise) I feel I should set some ground rules:
1) No blind dates, no getting set up, no group dates, no dates with ex's of any kind. I may go out IN a group with men, as long as there is no romantical interest
2) No physical activities
3) No picking up guys at bars. This is hard; it's so satisfying to bait a guys attention and reel him in. But all I've caught lately is a bunch o minnows.
4) Friendships are the key - I will develop friendships with men and allow them the opportunity to earn my trust and companionship.
5) Men will NOT e the major focus of my life - I have plenty of beautiful and fabulous friends to entertain me, as well as the gym and pool to keep me busy.
**I reserve the right to modify these rules at ANY time as long as it is in the interest of my six month campaign.
The bottom line of WHY I'm doing this, to answer all the open mouth stares I've received, is to truly become happy with myself and being alone by myself. And when I have successfully acheived that, I believe that I will be able to pass by the minnows and find the real catch.
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