Well, I'm beginning my fourth week of this little experiment of mine and things are definitely getting easier. It also helps that there was a severe lack of good looking men in the Uptown/Addison area last night.
I ran into some guys that I went to college with and who were in the same fraternity as my most significant ex-boyfriend.
The dreaded David.
He and I met at the beginning of our junior year of college and we dated for about a year and a half. When things were good, they were very, very good. But when things were bad, it was hell. In the end, I had to c0me to the realization that he loved alcohol more than me and that was a fact that was never going to change. In essence, I couldn't change him, I couldn't make him realize the kind of man that he could have been, I couldn't fight for his success more than he was fighting.
Anyways. It's been over for two years. My life has gone on. I've become a successful independent person. And, according to his fraternity brothers, he is still doing the same old thing. Drinking and becoming belligerent and alienating everyone close to him. Awesome. It's just sad. I put so much time and effort into trying to make him better and it was all for nothing. He's exactly the same. I put my entire self on hold for him. I wrote his papers. I should really have two degrees - education and kineisiology. How many nights did I wake up to and deal with his drunken rages on the phone or outside of my apartment window? I forgave him and gave him a second chance after he punched holes in my walls. And still, he didn't figure it out. At the end of the relationship I was devastated at the fact that I had really gone through all that hell with him. But, I held on to the fact that maybe I had saved another girl from the destruction that Drunken Hurricane David could produce. Apparently, I was very wrong.
It sucks that I had to go through this relationship because, although it will be two years in May that we broke up, I am still feeling the effects of the dysfunctional relationship that I had with him. I don't want to sit here and blame him for my lack of success with men since him, but at the same time...he really did some damage to my general outlook on and expectations of men and relationships. Thus, here I am taking six months off and blogging about it.
I'm not going to sit here and lie - being alone sucks. Especially when I look on myspace or facebook and I see pictures of my peers having weddings, going on trips with significant others and other stuff like that. They all look so damn happy. It's the little things that I feel like I'm missing out on. Do you know how tough it is to carry a trunk full of groceries up three flights of stairs? A couple weeks ago I was having horrible back pain and had to get an MRI. I went home to my apartment after my doctor's appointment, dreading the upcoming MRI and I had no one to be concerned about me. Obviously, I had my parents, my family and my friends...but as much as they love me...it's just not the same.