HIM:
1. Who is your man? Craig
2. How long have you been together? Officially...a little over two years but unofficially...a lot longer than that.
3. How long did you date? We were "officially" dating for about 11 months before we got engaged.
4. How old is your man? 36...10 years older than me.
5. Who eats more? On a normal day he probably does but my appetite can sometimes give him a run for his money.
6. Who said "I love you" first? I asked him about this the other day...neither of us can remember! I remember telling a friend of mine several months before we started dating that "I love Craig and I know I'm going to marry him...I just can't date him right now."
7. Who is taller? Most of the time we're pretty even heights.
8. Who sings better? Neither!!
9. Who is smarter? I think it depends on which kinds of smarts you're talking about. I have the book smarts but he has more business and common sense smarts.
10. Whose temper is worse? Mine is worse on a regular basis but when he gets riled up and explodes it's pretty intense.
11. Who does the laundry? He puts it in and switches the loads around but I won't let him fold anything.
12. Who takes out the garbage? He usually takes the garbage can to the curb on Monday mornings but we both take the garbage bags out to the can in the garage.
13. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? He does.
14. Who pays the bills? I do, I don't think he even knows what bills we have
15. Who is better with the computer? Probably pretty equal.
16. Who cooks dinner? I definitely cook all the meals...but he will usually grill.
17. Who drives when you are together? He usually drives but when he has had surgery, I have to drive him around.
18. Who pays when you go out? Mostly me because I have my purse and he leaves his cards in the car.
19. Who is most stubborn? That's a tough one...we're both pretty stubborn, but about different things.
20. Who is the first to admit when they are wrong? It goes back and forth.
21. Whose parents do you see the most? Probably his mom a little bit more because she lives so much closer, but my parent's aren't that far away either.
22. Who kissed who first? He definitely kissed me first...right after he tucked me into bed when I sprained my ankle.
23. Who proposed? He proposed in our bedroom after we both had just gotten home from work and were still in our track pants and hoodies!
24. Who is more sensitive? Definitely me.
25. Who wears the pants in the family? I look to him for a lot of guidance and major family decisions, but I think I'm the emotional backbone of the family.
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Friday, July 31, 2009
Bahamian Vacation
Craig and I returned last night from our six days and five nights in the Bahamas at the Sandals resort just outside of downtown Nassau. On the day we arrived the island was in the midst of a torrential downpour which slightly dampened our spirits but provided a soothing background for a much needed four hour nap. The rest of our trip was filled with lots of sun and time spent relaxing by the pool or on the beach. I was able to finish the seventh Harry Potter, read an entire Jane Green novel and get three-quarters of the way through The Time Traveler's Wife, loaned to me by my friend Emily. Our time wasn't spent entirely in the sun though - there were daily naps which were a necessity after the sun drained our energy in the morning, two days full of sand volleyball for me and one afternoon of pool volleyball with both of us against a nice couple from Long Island, as well as three nights spent at one of the two casinos located on the island. The resort was nice and although there were a few frustrations (late luggage delivery, no beach towels available and slow drink service at meals) all in all we had a fantastic time. Here are just a few pictures of our vacation with the complete collection located here:
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/album.php?aid=2320947&id=23904605
A view of the shoreline of the Sandals resort's private island located 1/4 mile from the mainland.
.JPG)
Craig and I headed out to the Crystal Palace Casino (where I met my adopted Jewish grandmother Annabelle) after dinner one night.
.JPG)
Another view of the private island - this was probably my favorite day because there was really no one around to bother us and I could sit on the rocks with the waves rolling in and read my book in peace and quiet.
The view from our hotel room out to the ocean.
After dinner our first day out in the sun.
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/album.php?aid=2320947&id=23904605
A view of the shoreline of the Sandals resort's private island located 1/4 mile from the mainland..JPG)
Craig and I headed out to the Crystal Palace Casino (where I met my adopted Jewish grandmother Annabelle) after dinner one night..JPG)
Another view of the private island - this was probably my favorite day because there was really no one around to bother us and I could sit on the rocks with the waves rolling in and read my book in peace and quiet.
The view from our hotel room out to the ocean.
After dinner our first day out in the sun.
Although we had a great vacation and really enjoyed just spending time with each other, we were both ready to get home. My biggest reason for wanting to come home has four legs, a white stripe down the middle of her nose and happens to be curled up next to me on the bed in a deep nap.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Recharged
Since January, our weeks have been spent juggling 7th and 8th grade basketball games, the high school basketball games, basketball and cross country practices and cross country meets. There were some weeks where neither of us returned home for the night before 9:00 the entire week. Needless to say, it was invigorating due to our district championship wins on the court and the course, yet exhausting because of a lack of controlled laziness and much needed emotional intimacy.
Oftentimes the only time we got to talk and debrief was late at night while trying to fall asleep. I missed lazy and playful mornings spent in bed, cruising the internet and channel surfing. In fact, three major milestones and events passed us by these past few months without any proper celebration: our engagement, our first "official" Valentine's Day and our year anniversary. We just didn't have the time nor the energy to be able to celebrate and enjoy each other's company the way we should.
So shortly after we got engaged and began looking at the upcoming months and our crazy packed schedules, I convinced Craig to take a weekend off from everything so that we could go away together and celebrate everything that we had neglected in the past few months.
After my first full basketball game in several years on Friday night, we woke up early on Saturday morning and finished a few loads of laundry and packed for our weekend adventures. We started off checking into the Crescent Hotel in downtown Dallas, which is one of the most recognizable and famous hotels in Dallas. I was a little intimidated - I'm not really an upscale Dallas girl. I'm more comfortable in sneakers and windshorts than stilettos and skinny jeans. Regardless...I knew that with Craig by my side it wasn't about impressing anybody else or making them be envious of me. All that mattered was that we were going to have a relaxing and quiet weekend together.
After checking out our room we braved the hurricane-like winds that whipped through the towers of Victory Plaza and headed into the AAC for the Stars vs. Ducks hockey game. We have season tickets to the Stars which we have thoroughly enjoyed, despite their tendency to come out of games outscored this season. Saturday was no disappointment with the Stars losing their point advantage in the third period to lost 4-2, but the loss was quickly remedied with a fantastic fight between two Ducks and #29, Steve Ott.
We once again braved the winds and headed back to our hotel where we shut the black out curtains and both agreed to the same activity...napping. We slept for about an hour and woke up slowly and watched the end of Ricky Bobby - not my first choice of movie, but it's on Craig's level as far as comedy goes. We then got freshened up a bit, put on our nice clothes and heavy coats and headed out to Nick and Sam's, which is a very nice and well known steak house in the nicer area of Dallas. Although we had reservations for the restaurant at 8:30, being Dallas on a Saturday night we did not sit down to eat until closer to 9:00. Despite the time delay, we still had a delicious meal in a quieter section of the restaurant. It was so nice to just sit and enjoy a full meal without worrying about running into students, or keeping a running list of things to do upon arrival at home in my head.
We were just able to sit...and talk...and enjoy each other's company. Which is part of the reason I am marrying him - I just love to be in his presence and hear his thoughts, his ideas, and his perspective on things. After dinner we headed back to the hotel and shared our presents with each other. I was delighted to find out an 11:00 massage appointment had been arranged for me, along with breakfast delivered to our room at some point in the morning.
All in all, we had a simply delightful weekend. We both turned off or silenced our phones and were able to just relax and enjoy being in each other's company, which is something that rarely happens in our busy schedules.
Oftentimes the only time we got to talk and debrief was late at night while trying to fall asleep. I missed lazy and playful mornings spent in bed, cruising the internet and channel surfing. In fact, three major milestones and events passed us by these past few months without any proper celebration: our engagement, our first "official" Valentine's Day and our year anniversary. We just didn't have the time nor the energy to be able to celebrate and enjoy each other's company the way we should.
So shortly after we got engaged and began looking at the upcoming months and our crazy packed schedules, I convinced Craig to take a weekend off from everything so that we could go away together and celebrate everything that we had neglected in the past few months.
After my first full basketball game in several years on Friday night, we woke up early on Saturday morning and finished a few loads of laundry and packed for our weekend adventures. We started off checking into the Crescent Hotel in downtown Dallas, which is one of the most recognizable and famous hotels in Dallas. I was a little intimidated - I'm not really an upscale Dallas girl. I'm more comfortable in sneakers and windshorts than stilettos and skinny jeans. Regardless...I knew that with Craig by my side it wasn't about impressing anybody else or making them be envious of me. All that mattered was that we were going to have a relaxing and quiet weekend together.
After checking out our room we braved the hurricane-like winds that whipped through the towers of Victory Plaza and headed into the AAC for the Stars vs. Ducks hockey game. We have season tickets to the Stars which we have thoroughly enjoyed, despite their tendency to come out of games outscored this season. Saturday was no disappointment with the Stars losing their point advantage in the third period to lost 4-2, but the loss was quickly remedied with a fantastic fight between two Ducks and #29, Steve Ott.
We once again braved the winds and headed back to our hotel where we shut the black out curtains and both agreed to the same activity...napping. We slept for about an hour and woke up slowly and watched the end of Ricky Bobby - not my first choice of movie, but it's on Craig's level as far as comedy goes. We then got freshened up a bit, put on our nice clothes and heavy coats and headed out to Nick and Sam's, which is a very nice and well known steak house in the nicer area of Dallas. Although we had reservations for the restaurant at 8:30, being Dallas on a Saturday night we did not sit down to eat until closer to 9:00. Despite the time delay, we still had a delicious meal in a quieter section of the restaurant. It was so nice to just sit and enjoy a full meal without worrying about running into students, or keeping a running list of things to do upon arrival at home in my head.
We were just able to sit...and talk...and enjoy each other's company. Which is part of the reason I am marrying him - I just love to be in his presence and hear his thoughts, his ideas, and his perspective on things. After dinner we headed back to the hotel and shared our presents with each other. I was delighted to find out an 11:00 massage appointment had been arranged for me, along with breakfast delivered to our room at some point in the morning.
All in all, we had a simply delightful weekend. We both turned off or silenced our phones and were able to just relax and enjoy being in each other's company, which is something that rarely happens in our busy schedules.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Lately...
Things in my head have been a little...rough. I think the fact that I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders has finally caught up with me and is affecting my sleeping patterns. And when I'm tired...I'm a little cranky and off kilter emotionally. And my sleep patterns definitely have changed. I usually wake up two to three times a night; most likely after an extremely vivid and disturbing nightmares and dreams. And if I don't wake up several times a night? I wake up in the morning just after one of those vivid dreams and if feels like I never went to sleep.
What happens is that I shove everything back in the far recesses of my mind and try to just move on. I'm not sure where I learned this mentality but I have a feeling it stems somewhere from the "tough it out" or "shake it off" comments I heard so many times throughout my athletic career. Either way, I ignore everything for as long as I can until eventually I become a boiling pot that is unwatched...everything starts boiling over and out uncontrollably and it's a mess. And the uninhibited emotions that explode are never aimed at anyone else - it's all directed towards myself. I irrationally blame and beat myself up over every little thing that I might have done wrong. Like I told my mother - I forget about the forest and instead focus on the individual trees. I could go the whole day being a fantastic teacher and coach, but at the end of the day I will focus on the fact that maybe I made an insensitive comment at lunch or that a parent's email expressed frustration with my teaching or the way I run my class. I completely ignore the fact that it was ONE event out of a whole day.
Needless to say...Craig's patience has been infinitely tested this week and I must admit - he has passed with flying colors. Each night this week when I have come home increasingly more upset, he has continued to surprise me with his compassion, reassurance, and tolerance. I even asked him why he put up with me - his answer? Because he loves me. Duh Laura. But it's hard for me to understand why he would want to deal with me like that when I can't deal with me. And then I start feeling guilty for always being the one that has to lean on him for support and then the cycle starts all over again. Do you see the vicious circle I create for myself? Being on the other side of all the emotion, I can look back and see the sheer ridiculousness of it all, but at the time...it was rough.
As far as wedding planning progress that has been made - we have a date, a site, our wedding party, our colors, the honeymoon and my wedding dress picked out and payments have begun to be made. For those of you who are interested:
- Date: March 13, 2010
- Site: A golf resort hotel by Texas Speedway
- Wedding Party: My bridesmaids are Amy Z. (Matron of Honor - BFF from elementary), Jennifer F. (BFF from adulthood), Kate W. (BFF from diapers) and Beri D. (BFF from work). Craig's groomsmen are Ron G. (Best Man - Basketball buddy), Ricky T. (Basketball buddy), Doug W. (Work buddy), Zach F. (The ORIGINAL "buddy").
- Colors: Light green and chocolate brown
- Honeymoon: The Sandals resort in Antigua for a week!
- Dress: Very me...I can't show you on the rare chance that Craig checks this site, but google Maggie Sottero Pressley and you'll see it.
Other than that, we're just ready for tournament season to start so we can really start planning and paying for our wedding. More than that though, I'm ready for our Spring Break vacation to Vegas!!!
What happens is that I shove everything back in the far recesses of my mind and try to just move on. I'm not sure where I learned this mentality but I have a feeling it stems somewhere from the "tough it out" or "shake it off" comments I heard so many times throughout my athletic career. Either way, I ignore everything for as long as I can until eventually I become a boiling pot that is unwatched...everything starts boiling over and out uncontrollably and it's a mess. And the uninhibited emotions that explode are never aimed at anyone else - it's all directed towards myself. I irrationally blame and beat myself up over every little thing that I might have done wrong. Like I told my mother - I forget about the forest and instead focus on the individual trees. I could go the whole day being a fantastic teacher and coach, but at the end of the day I will focus on the fact that maybe I made an insensitive comment at lunch or that a parent's email expressed frustration with my teaching or the way I run my class. I completely ignore the fact that it was ONE event out of a whole day.
Needless to say...Craig's patience has been infinitely tested this week and I must admit - he has passed with flying colors. Each night this week when I have come home increasingly more upset, he has continued to surprise me with his compassion, reassurance, and tolerance. I even asked him why he put up with me - his answer? Because he loves me. Duh Laura. But it's hard for me to understand why he would want to deal with me like that when I can't deal with me. And then I start feeling guilty for always being the one that has to lean on him for support and then the cycle starts all over again. Do you see the vicious circle I create for myself? Being on the other side of all the emotion, I can look back and see the sheer ridiculousness of it all, but at the time...it was rough.
As far as wedding planning progress that has been made - we have a date, a site, our wedding party, our colors, the honeymoon and my wedding dress picked out and payments have begun to be made. For those of you who are interested:
- Date: March 13, 2010
- Site: A golf resort hotel by Texas Speedway
- Wedding Party: My bridesmaids are Amy Z. (Matron of Honor - BFF from elementary), Jennifer F. (BFF from adulthood), Kate W. (BFF from diapers) and Beri D. (BFF from work). Craig's groomsmen are Ron G. (Best Man - Basketball buddy), Ricky T. (Basketball buddy), Doug W. (Work buddy), Zach F. (The ORIGINAL "buddy").
- Colors: Light green and chocolate brown
- Honeymoon: The Sandals resort in Antigua for a week!
- Dress: Very me...I can't show you on the rare chance that Craig checks this site, but google Maggie Sottero Pressley and you'll see it.
Other than that, we're just ready for tournament season to start so we can really start planning and paying for our wedding. More than that though, I'm ready for our Spring Break vacation to Vegas!!!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
It costs WHAT?!?!
Craig and I have started pricing different items to get a better view of what we should expect to spend, how many people we can afford to invite and what type of wedding we would like to have in general. My suggestions of Tahiti or Fiji for the honeymoon have both been shot down, as well as my frustrated decree of us getting married in Vegas over Spring Break.
The first few places that we have looked at, combined with the generalized quotes from friends and family have sent me into quite a tailspin. Not that I'm a cheapskate...I just like spending money on things that I can have right in front of me - like all those clothes in my closet and the several pairs of Nikes, Adidas and Pumas strewn across the floor.
But on a wedding?! I just can't wrap my head around it. I don't care how long we have to pay for everything and I don't care how much anybody's parents will contribute nor do I care how much of it Craig can take care of with his earning's from basketball. It's the principle of the matter.
I want to have a beautiful wedding with all our close friends and family, and I'm not trying to sound outrageously stingy or anything...it's just that since I acquired a mortgage, I'm having a little bit harder time parting with my hard earned money. I have never been in debt and I don't plan on staying in it for very long. We've got a little bit right now but it's just from stuff for the house and I've already made the decision that once these are paid off - that's it! No more debt.
So therefore, I'm not willing to stretch ourselves thin over one day. I just think about all the money that we're going to spend and all I can see is our air conditioner breaking and us having to suffer through the hot Texas summer because we can't pay to get it fixed!
Drastic and dramatic, I know...but I just like to imagine EVERY SINGLE possibility of what can happen. That way, I'm prepared for everything - good or bad. ;) My constant and irrational worrying drives Craig absolutely crazy. But I just don't like being caught off guard because that's when there's a possibility that I could lose control of the situation. And when you lose control of the situation or yourself...bad things happen. I guess if there's anything that Craig could really complain about me and my personality - it would be my constant cautiousness and worrying. And for those of you who knew me back in college...this might sound like a complete different person from the carefree girl that you knew. I sure did enjoy being young and not at all worried about the outcome of my decisions. But I don't think that I was really imagining that there were any bad outcomes to my decisions. I just did what I wanted and I got lucky that nothing bad ever happened. I think that it's only since then - since I've looked back in hindsight and seen the infinite possibilities of what COULD have happened to me during that time. I am damn lucky that I made it out of college alive with only a few bumps, bruises and scrapes - no major damage done.
Maybe it's my job. Maybe it was David. Maybe it's just the way my brain is wired. But whatever the reason - I'm a cautious person. It is really hard for me to revert back to that girl in college. I'm not the party girl anymore and I think sometimes Craig wishes that I would let my hair down and just.....relax...and not worry about the early morning meeting or what might happen if I lose control. Maybe I need to remind myself that he's my safe haven. He's the place that I can be myself and not worry about anything. He's the person that I know will always have my best interest at heart...he won't let anything bad happen. If there is anyone in this world that I can unwind and relax with, it should be with him.
The first few places that we have looked at, combined with the generalized quotes from friends and family have sent me into quite a tailspin. Not that I'm a cheapskate...I just like spending money on things that I can have right in front of me - like all those clothes in my closet and the several pairs of Nikes, Adidas and Pumas strewn across the floor.
But on a wedding?! I just can't wrap my head around it. I don't care how long we have to pay for everything and I don't care how much anybody's parents will contribute nor do I care how much of it Craig can take care of with his earning's from basketball. It's the principle of the matter.
I want to have a beautiful wedding with all our close friends and family, and I'm not trying to sound outrageously stingy or anything...it's just that since I acquired a mortgage, I'm having a little bit harder time parting with my hard earned money. I have never been in debt and I don't plan on staying in it for very long. We've got a little bit right now but it's just from stuff for the house and I've already made the decision that once these are paid off - that's it! No more debt.
So therefore, I'm not willing to stretch ourselves thin over one day. I just think about all the money that we're going to spend and all I can see is our air conditioner breaking and us having to suffer through the hot Texas summer because we can't pay to get it fixed!
Drastic and dramatic, I know...but I just like to imagine EVERY SINGLE possibility of what can happen. That way, I'm prepared for everything - good or bad. ;) My constant and irrational worrying drives Craig absolutely crazy. But I just don't like being caught off guard because that's when there's a possibility that I could lose control of the situation. And when you lose control of the situation or yourself...bad things happen. I guess if there's anything that Craig could really complain about me and my personality - it would be my constant cautiousness and worrying. And for those of you who knew me back in college...this might sound like a complete different person from the carefree girl that you knew. I sure did enjoy being young and not at all worried about the outcome of my decisions. But I don't think that I was really imagining that there were any bad outcomes to my decisions. I just did what I wanted and I got lucky that nothing bad ever happened. I think that it's only since then - since I've looked back in hindsight and seen the infinite possibilities of what COULD have happened to me during that time. I am damn lucky that I made it out of college alive with only a few bumps, bruises and scrapes - no major damage done.
Maybe it's my job. Maybe it was David. Maybe it's just the way my brain is wired. But whatever the reason - I'm a cautious person. It is really hard for me to revert back to that girl in college. I'm not the party girl anymore and I think sometimes Craig wishes that I would let my hair down and just.....relax...and not worry about the early morning meeting or what might happen if I lose control. Maybe I need to remind myself that he's my safe haven. He's the place that I can be myself and not worry about anything. He's the person that I know will always have my best interest at heart...he won't let anything bad happen. If there is anyone in this world that I can unwind and relax with, it should be with him.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Teamwork
Three days into being engaged, I'm a little overwhelmed at the thought of putting together the perfect wedding for Craig and myself. In the words of my brother, I get stressed because I just see the BIG picture, while forgetting that the BIG picture is just a bunch of little pictures put together. I focus so much on the entirety of the day, and I forget that it's just a bunch of little things put together and more importantly...I have a lot of friends and family that are more than willing to help me out.
I like choices broken down for me. If there are too many things for me to choose from I get overwhelmed and shut down. For example, when deciding on dinner Craig will ask me where I want to eat. This question is and always has been really hard for me to answer because there are so many choices out there and its hard for me to narrow down the field. BUT...if you give me three names of restaurants, I can definitely choose. That's why I have to make lists - otherwise I just get frustrated and confused in the grocery store. Craig says I have ADD...I think my brain is just so advanced that I process everything in sight very quickly, therefore the wires get a little "fried" sometimes. ;) Along these lines I think is part of the reason that I'm so terrified of starting to plan the wedding. Knowing that there are so many different decisions to make and so many choices to choose from. Google the word "wedding" on the internet and a million sites come up, each offering the "best" wedding experience available. It's enough to make me turn off the computer and take a nap because my brain is overloaded.
BUT the good thing about getting married is the fact that there are TWO people doing the work. And if there is anything that Craig and I are good at - it's working together to accomplish something. We both played a lot of sports growing up and know what it takes to have truly great teamwork. We know each other's strengths and weaknesses and allow the other person to take the lead when it's their strength. At the same time, I know that when I get frustrated and overwhelmed, he will have no problem jumping in and taking care of things for me. He truly is my partner and my teammate and with that mindset, we will be able to make everything come together.
Besides - he's already pretty excited...his latest idea? A U2 cover band for the reception. We shall see...
I like choices broken down for me. If there are too many things for me to choose from I get overwhelmed and shut down. For example, when deciding on dinner Craig will ask me where I want to eat. This question is and always has been really hard for me to answer because there are so many choices out there and its hard for me to narrow down the field. BUT...if you give me three names of restaurants, I can definitely choose. That's why I have to make lists - otherwise I just get frustrated and confused in the grocery store. Craig says I have ADD...I think my brain is just so advanced that I process everything in sight very quickly, therefore the wires get a little "fried" sometimes. ;) Along these lines I think is part of the reason that I'm so terrified of starting to plan the wedding. Knowing that there are so many different decisions to make and so many choices to choose from. Google the word "wedding" on the internet and a million sites come up, each offering the "best" wedding experience available. It's enough to make me turn off the computer and take a nap because my brain is overloaded.
BUT the good thing about getting married is the fact that there are TWO people doing the work. And if there is anything that Craig and I are good at - it's working together to accomplish something. We both played a lot of sports growing up and know what it takes to have truly great teamwork. We know each other's strengths and weaknesses and allow the other person to take the lead when it's their strength. At the same time, I know that when I get frustrated and overwhelmed, he will have no problem jumping in and taking care of things for me. He truly is my partner and my teammate and with that mindset, we will be able to make everything come together.
Besides - he's already pretty excited...his latest idea? A U2 cover band for the reception. We shall see...
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Love and Nutra System
I am a good girlfriend. I am a good girlfriend. I am a good girlfriend.
Just keep telling myself that...as I shove down another piece of salad, when what I really want is a big fat Taco Bueno burrito drenched in cheese and salsa.
The BF has started subscribing and eating the Nutra System diet plan this week. Coincidentally it is also the first week of school...therefore moderately stressful and a bit chaotic. The perfect emotional recipe for lots of dinners out, lunches from Chick Fil A, as well as beer and wings while watching the Cowboys play tonight.
But no. He decided that the first week of the new school year was the best time to turn over a new leaf and start leading a healthier lifestyle. Don't get me wrong - I am totally supporting him becoming healthier and therefore happier with himself.
But he's HUNGRY. And that makes him CRANKY.
Wish us luck while this whole lifestyle sets in...
Just keep telling myself that...as I shove down another piece of salad, when what I really want is a big fat Taco Bueno burrito drenched in cheese and salsa.
The BF has started subscribing and eating the Nutra System diet plan this week. Coincidentally it is also the first week of school...therefore moderately stressful and a bit chaotic. The perfect emotional recipe for lots of dinners out, lunches from Chick Fil A, as well as beer and wings while watching the Cowboys play tonight.
But no. He decided that the first week of the new school year was the best time to turn over a new leaf and start leading a healthier lifestyle. Don't get me wrong - I am totally supporting him becoming healthier and therefore happier with himself.
But he's HUNGRY. And that makes him CRANKY.
Wish us luck while this whole lifestyle sets in...
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Clusterf*ck
Yesterday sucked. Finding out my boyfriend had lied to me and jetted off to Miami with his ex-girlfriend? Definitely a day for the record books. After some liquid therapy, lunch and a pedicure, I was feeling better. I visited with my friend Kate and my mom in person, as well as with others over the telephone. The hardest part was wrapping my head around the fact that he had gone round my back to do something that he knew would upset me. It was deception pure and simple. I was and still am very hurt. And the hurt was particularly deep because I didn't expect this from him - I thought that he had respect for my feelings and for our relationship. I had so many emotions running through my head at once, I honestly thought I might explode. The funny thing is...I was laughing throughout the whole day. Because 1) I didn't want to cry and 2) the whole situation was so absurd. It was truly a clusterf*ck of emotions.
But, I did talk to him last night for about an hour. I didn't necessarily "let him have it" but I expressed every emotion and feeling that I had throughout the day. I'm not sure if he still really understands the depths to which he hurt me. I think I'll have to see his face when he looks me in the eye to know for sure.
So....where are things with us right now? I'm not particularly sure. We made a step last night towards reconciliation because he did listen to me and he admitted both guilt and remorse. He knows that I don't trust him. I flat out told him that there was no way that he was going to be able to talk his way out of this one. What he did was wrong and that's that. No getting around that fact. His relationship with her needs to be remodeled. There are a few of my exes that I'm still in contact with, but my main priority is always the person that I am currently involved with. You have to have that boundary and know where your priorities lie. His priority should lie with me. I didn't feel that yesterday.
I felt small, duped, insignificant, a "Trophy" girlfriend, dumb, naive and used. I want to have sympathy for this woman because what she has and is going through is quite tragic. But when her problems cause problems in my relationship, that's where my sympathy stops. Where in his thought process did he think "How is this going to affect 'The Cheese?'" I hate being that girl that screams "What about me!" But seriously...what about how I was going to feel about this little vaca to Florida? He deliberately didn't tell me he was going because he knew it would upset me. To that, I responded - then you shouldn't have gone. It makes sense to me, that if I know something I was going to do was going to deeply upset and hurt my significant other - I wouldn't do it! Yes. This point was reiterated over and over and over. I shot down my exes innocent invitation for wakeboarding sessions on the the lake this summer because I knew it would upset the bf. I mean, seriously. That doesn't even COMPARE to him buying plane tickets, reserving a hotel and jetting off to Miami with HER.
I was the one that was there when she broke his heart. I was the one that patiently helped him pick up the pieces. I drove to Fox and the Hound at 11:00 one cold Sunday January night. I am loyal to and protective of his heart because I have seen what happened when she broke his heart. How could he turn around and do that to me? With HER of all people? Seriously?
I know that I'm still angry. He can't expect me to get over this one in 24 hours. Trust is broken. When I found out where he really was, I immediately ran my brain through all the times when he was going to stay at his "mom's" house, or the times he was texting for "business." I am doubting everything I heard or saw him do...or more importantly, the things I DIDN'T hear or see him do. This is going to take a lot of time and work on his part. He has to show me that he is worth my trust again. That he is fully, 100% committed to me. I also have a lot of work to do as well. I have to maturely discuss my frustrations and anger with him. Unfortunately, I don't think that involves the swift kick to the nuts that he really deserves. Once I vent my fellings...that's it. I have let him know how I feel and the ball is in his court as to whether or not he would like to truly be with me.
But once I vent...I have to let him be about it. I can't keep shoving his nose in what he did wrong. That's only going to create a division between the two of us. Me, holding this hurt over his head while only torturing myself by keeping the anger around. Him, cowering in the fact that I have this power over him while only making him resent the fact that I'm not letting him out of the shackles.
But just because I let go of the anger doesn't mean that I automatically forgive him. Forgiveness is earned and I can't just forgive him because I'm tired of the work and effort that will have to go into rebuilding our relationship. But once I forgive him...I can't keep punishing him. Like in SATC when Carrie keeps punishing herself for cheating on Aidan with Mr. Big. If I tell the bf that I forgive him, I can't use this situation as a trump card in a disagreement six months into the future. If I forgive him...I must truly mean it.
Will I forget what he did? Never. It's going to take me a long time until I'm not suspicious about text messages and what he's doing when he's not with me. Although I'm confident that nothing physical occurred between them...it's emotional cheating. There will be parameters set with their relationship. If he wants to be with me, he has to let go of her. I hate to be the girlfriend that declares an ultimatum...but come on. He flew to Miami with her.
Ugh. Why is he so retarded? He has a brain - why didn't he use it?
But, I did talk to him last night for about an hour. I didn't necessarily "let him have it" but I expressed every emotion and feeling that I had throughout the day. I'm not sure if he still really understands the depths to which he hurt me. I think I'll have to see his face when he looks me in the eye to know for sure.
So....where are things with us right now? I'm not particularly sure. We made a step last night towards reconciliation because he did listen to me and he admitted both guilt and remorse. He knows that I don't trust him. I flat out told him that there was no way that he was going to be able to talk his way out of this one. What he did was wrong and that's that. No getting around that fact. His relationship with her needs to be remodeled. There are a few of my exes that I'm still in contact with, but my main priority is always the person that I am currently involved with. You have to have that boundary and know where your priorities lie. His priority should lie with me. I didn't feel that yesterday.
I felt small, duped, insignificant, a "Trophy" girlfriend, dumb, naive and used. I want to have sympathy for this woman because what she has and is going through is quite tragic. But when her problems cause problems in my relationship, that's where my sympathy stops. Where in his thought process did he think "How is this going to affect 'The Cheese?'" I hate being that girl that screams "What about me!" But seriously...what about how I was going to feel about this little vaca to Florida? He deliberately didn't tell me he was going because he knew it would upset me. To that, I responded - then you shouldn't have gone. It makes sense to me, that if I know something I was going to do was going to deeply upset and hurt my significant other - I wouldn't do it! Yes. This point was reiterated over and over and over. I shot down my exes innocent invitation for wakeboarding sessions on the the lake this summer because I knew it would upset the bf. I mean, seriously. That doesn't even COMPARE to him buying plane tickets, reserving a hotel and jetting off to Miami with HER.
I was the one that was there when she broke his heart. I was the one that patiently helped him pick up the pieces. I drove to Fox and the Hound at 11:00 one cold Sunday January night. I am loyal to and protective of his heart because I have seen what happened when she broke his heart. How could he turn around and do that to me? With HER of all people? Seriously?
I know that I'm still angry. He can't expect me to get over this one in 24 hours. Trust is broken. When I found out where he really was, I immediately ran my brain through all the times when he was going to stay at his "mom's" house, or the times he was texting for "business." I am doubting everything I heard or saw him do...or more importantly, the things I DIDN'T hear or see him do. This is going to take a lot of time and work on his part. He has to show me that he is worth my trust again. That he is fully, 100% committed to me. I also have a lot of work to do as well. I have to maturely discuss my frustrations and anger with him. Unfortunately, I don't think that involves the swift kick to the nuts that he really deserves. Once I vent my fellings...that's it. I have let him know how I feel and the ball is in his court as to whether or not he would like to truly be with me.
But once I vent...I have to let him be about it. I can't keep shoving his nose in what he did wrong. That's only going to create a division between the two of us. Me, holding this hurt over his head while only torturing myself by keeping the anger around. Him, cowering in the fact that I have this power over him while only making him resent the fact that I'm not letting him out of the shackles.
But just because I let go of the anger doesn't mean that I automatically forgive him. Forgiveness is earned and I can't just forgive him because I'm tired of the work and effort that will have to go into rebuilding our relationship. But once I forgive him...I can't keep punishing him. Like in SATC when Carrie keeps punishing herself for cheating on Aidan with Mr. Big. If I tell the bf that I forgive him, I can't use this situation as a trump card in a disagreement six months into the future. If I forgive him...I must truly mean it.
Will I forget what he did? Never. It's going to take me a long time until I'm not suspicious about text messages and what he's doing when he's not with me. Although I'm confident that nothing physical occurred between them...it's emotional cheating. There will be parameters set with their relationship. If he wants to be with me, he has to let go of her. I hate to be the girlfriend that declares an ultimatum...but come on. He flew to Miami with her.
Ugh. Why is he so retarded? He has a brain - why didn't he use it?
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Forgiveness
How do you forgive a stab to the heart? How do you knowingly stab someone that you "love" in the heart?
It is no secret that I've been hurt in love. After David I didn't form any long lasting relationships. I just dated freely because I couldn't bear the thought of giving my heart away to someone who could potentially rip it to shreds...again. My life was full of friends, late nights and lots of hazy memories. My dating life became a sort of joke - the punchline being my inability to commit for longer than three months.
But then, finally I met this guy. We formed a unique little friendship over beer and sports which gradually morphed into a loving relationship that lasted a whopping four months. I was happy - I was ecstatic even. More importantly, I felt loved for the person I truly am, and I was with someone whom I believed I could truly trust.
But...I was betrayed and got my heart stomped on by him - someone I believed would never hurt me. There's that cliche saying that girls tell other girls when boys make them cry...something about how no man is worth your tears and the one who is wonm't make you cry. Well, this morning, he made me cry. He made me sob. He made me feel as if the walls were closing in. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't speak. Apparently he's not that man over which I should be spilling my tears.
As everyone knows, I am a Sex and the City fan - not only because of the fabulous clothes and shoes, but also because of the frankness, the realness and the wittiness through which real life relationships are discussed and portrayed. There are dozens of episodes in which I can visualize myself having the exact same conversation with my own circle of girlfriends. I am not sure if it is art imitating life, or the opposite, but I have found my own personal Mr. Big. He's the guy that can take you everywhere and give you the world if you asked for it. But there is always that element of "do I really have him? Is he really mine?" Apparently, my Mr. Big was not mine. He is a loyal guy - to the fault actually. So loyal, in fact, that when an exgirlfriend is in need of a good friend...he takes her to Miami, less than 24 hours after he and I returned from Florida. Is that normal? I didn't think so. Should I be upset? Yes. Should I forgive him? Not sure yet. I just know that I feel like Carrie did in the SATC movie when Big doesn't show up for the wedding and then she sees him in the street. All her friends are so upset with him for hurting her, yet again. Right now, my friends and family are circling up the wagons and putting up the defenses. He's not going to get into my heart anymore to hurt me. He had his chance to be the man that I thought he was. He ruined it.
It is no secret that I've been hurt in love. After David I didn't form any long lasting relationships. I just dated freely because I couldn't bear the thought of giving my heart away to someone who could potentially rip it to shreds...again. My life was full of friends, late nights and lots of hazy memories. My dating life became a sort of joke - the punchline being my inability to commit for longer than three months.
But then, finally I met this guy. We formed a unique little friendship over beer and sports which gradually morphed into a loving relationship that lasted a whopping four months. I was happy - I was ecstatic even. More importantly, I felt loved for the person I truly am, and I was with someone whom I believed I could truly trust.
But...I was betrayed and got my heart stomped on by him - someone I believed would never hurt me. There's that cliche saying that girls tell other girls when boys make them cry...something about how no man is worth your tears and the one who is wonm't make you cry. Well, this morning, he made me cry. He made me sob. He made me feel as if the walls were closing in. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't speak. Apparently he's not that man over which I should be spilling my tears.
As everyone knows, I am a Sex and the City fan - not only because of the fabulous clothes and shoes, but also because of the frankness, the realness and the wittiness through which real life relationships are discussed and portrayed. There are dozens of episodes in which I can visualize myself having the exact same conversation with my own circle of girlfriends. I am not sure if it is art imitating life, or the opposite, but I have found my own personal Mr. Big. He's the guy that can take you everywhere and give you the world if you asked for it. But there is always that element of "do I really have him? Is he really mine?" Apparently, my Mr. Big was not mine. He is a loyal guy - to the fault actually. So loyal, in fact, that when an exgirlfriend is in need of a good friend...he takes her to Miami, less than 24 hours after he and I returned from Florida. Is that normal? I didn't think so. Should I be upset? Yes. Should I forgive him? Not sure yet. I just know that I feel like Carrie did in the SATC movie when Big doesn't show up for the wedding and then she sees him in the street. All her friends are so upset with him for hurting her, yet again. Right now, my friends and family are circling up the wagons and putting up the defenses. He's not going to get into my heart anymore to hurt me. He had his chance to be the man that I thought he was. He ruined it.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
What's Love Got To Do With It?
All throught this blog, which has spanned the course of one year of my life, I have discussed my relationships and issues with men. I've talked about what I want in a man, the trouble I had finding one that matches my needs and wants, and I have touched upon my stormy past with certain young men. But never once have I truly broached the subject of love.
There have been great sonnets and renowned literature written about love. If not for the concept of love, Hollywood and the music industry would not have made millions. Real people have lived for love and died from it. The word is tossed around so carelessly in our culture. "I love that shirt!" "Have you heard the new Madonna song? I totally love it!" (Yes, I have heard it. And yes, I totally love it.)
But what does love truly mean and what form will it take in my life? What form do I want it to take? What do I expect when I hear those words or feel that emotion from someone?
I suppose each individual's first impression of love is that of their own parent's relationship. I got lucky. My parents were college sweethearts and were married after only nine months of courtship. They are currently approaching their 40th wedding anniversary. When asked how they got married so quickly, my mom just answers "I just knew." I can't decide if I like a hair color enough to keep it for nine months, much less the rest of my life...
I want a marriage like my parents': supportive, understanding, compassionate, passionate and stable.
My parent's relationship reminds me of that story of the two swans on the farm. A grandfather is telling his grandson about how swans mate for life. One day, the female swan is found dead in the pond and the male swan is visibly upset. The grandson says that the male will find someone else - he'll be okay. The gradnfather predicts that the male swan will soon die from grief over his partner. A few days later, the male swan is found dead in the same spot as the female swan. Soon after, the grandmother passes away, followed a few months later by the grandfather. My parents are like that. It's not that they physically can't live without each other in some sick, addictive, co-dependent relationship...it's that they don't WANT to live without the other one.
Their love has transcended the passionate infatuation and graduated to this state of complete connectedness and partnership. They aren't just a married couple - they're best friends. I want to marry someone who is my best friend because one day the initial passion will face and I will have to have something left over. Unfortunately...statutes set by the state of Texas and because she ran off with a Mexican sailor...I can't marry my best friend Amy. Just kidding. But weirdly enough...she did marry someone exactly my height and with a similar personality. :)
Have I ever been in love? I've been infatuated. I've been filled to the brim with lust. I've been co-dependent. I've worn the blinders. But the type of love that my parent's have? Even the prospect of that love? Nope. Never even close.
I know that someday I will have that love. Will it happen like in my favorite love indulgences The Notebook, Love Actually or Gone With The Wind? Will I be awoken by my true love's kiss after biting a poisoned apple? Will I get a letter from God telling me the plans he has for meeting my true love? Probably not. But I have faith. I will have that love in my life eventually because I want it. And I always get what I want.
I know what I do have though. I have a best friend. A drinking and watching sports buddy. An "I'm having a horrible day and need a hug" support system. A conversation-just-by-a-look psychic partner.
I have seen this person at his absolute worst and it terrified me. It was so frustrating - being able to so clearly see all the amazing things I loved about him; the reasons I was his friend. But he couldn't see it for himself. Because I was his friend, I didn't fix him...for once...I allowed him the space and time he needed to do it for himself. Like I told him "I will support you 110% as long as you're doing something positive to change you life." And he has come through a completely amazing person - which is even more reason for me to be proud of him and love him. He supported me through a devastatingly depressing time in my own life through which I was repeatedly hurting both myself and the people around me. But he didn't abandon me despite my constant pushing away. I hated myself so much and I didn't want anyone in my life to be a part of it. But he was persistant. He loved me when I couldn't love myself.
But everything about our friendship hasn't been doom and gloom. We've laughed at inane and ridiculous things, we've celebrated each others victories and talked shit about our defeats. We've high fived at Mav's games and grumbled about the Cowboys' playoff loss.
Our friendship hasn't reached the point when I could say that I know everything about him - because even my mother quotes that she doesn't know all of the recesses of my father's mind. But, I can anticipate what he is and isn't going to say, how he will feel about something and most importantly...I know when to just walk away and let him be.
I once asked him "What do you like about me?" And he, being the enormous wordsmith that he isn't, just shrugged his shoulders and said "I just like who you are." At first I was completely frustrated with his lack of response. I delve into topics, entirely dissceting it to the nth degree. I could be that person writing the sonnet about what I like about him becasue I am never at a lack for words. How his eyes twinkle when he knows he did or said something that made me laugh. His total and unwavering loyalty to the people he cares about in his life. The way he truly doesn't care about what people think of him. The list could go on.. But he just summed it up in six words for me. I pressed for more specific information, but there was none forthcoming. I had to be content with what he said. So, after chewing on the words for awhile, I came to a conclusion: I am who I am and he likes that. It's that simple. I don't have to put on pretenses about who I am. I don't have to change myself in order to be more appeasing to him. I just have to be myself. Which has proved repeatedly to be one of the more challenging tasks in my life. He has provided me with a reason to be okay with myself - he accepts my slight craziness, my occasional outburst, all of it. He wipes away the previous notion that I held about being completely unlovable. Sure, I know there are things about me that he gets frustrated with - I have a hard time making decisions at times, I overreact about small issues and stress myself out, you know - I act like a girl sometimes. He just takes it all in and rolls with it.
But, is this love? I can look in his eyes and be moved. I am comforted by his presence. I am so filled with contentment at the sight of his personal happiness. I worry about him overworking himself. We can sit in silence together and it's not awkward.
I don't know if it's that lifetime love, but I know that he's my best friend and I don't want to not have him around in my life.
There have been great sonnets and renowned literature written about love. If not for the concept of love, Hollywood and the music industry would not have made millions. Real people have lived for love and died from it. The word is tossed around so carelessly in our culture. "I love that shirt!" "Have you heard the new Madonna song? I totally love it!" (Yes, I have heard it. And yes, I totally love it.)
But what does love truly mean and what form will it take in my life? What form do I want it to take? What do I expect when I hear those words or feel that emotion from someone?
I suppose each individual's first impression of love is that of their own parent's relationship. I got lucky. My parents were college sweethearts and were married after only nine months of courtship. They are currently approaching their 40th wedding anniversary. When asked how they got married so quickly, my mom just answers "I just knew." I can't decide if I like a hair color enough to keep it for nine months, much less the rest of my life...
I want a marriage like my parents': supportive, understanding, compassionate, passionate and stable.
My parent's relationship reminds me of that story of the two swans on the farm. A grandfather is telling his grandson about how swans mate for life. One day, the female swan is found dead in the pond and the male swan is visibly upset. The grandson says that the male will find someone else - he'll be okay. The gradnfather predicts that the male swan will soon die from grief over his partner. A few days later, the male swan is found dead in the same spot as the female swan. Soon after, the grandmother passes away, followed a few months later by the grandfather. My parents are like that. It's not that they physically can't live without each other in some sick, addictive, co-dependent relationship...it's that they don't WANT to live without the other one.
Their love has transcended the passionate infatuation and graduated to this state of complete connectedness and partnership. They aren't just a married couple - they're best friends. I want to marry someone who is my best friend because one day the initial passion will face and I will have to have something left over. Unfortunately...statutes set by the state of Texas and because she ran off with a Mexican sailor...I can't marry my best friend Amy. Just kidding. But weirdly enough...she did marry someone exactly my height and with a similar personality. :)
Have I ever been in love? I've been infatuated. I've been filled to the brim with lust. I've been co-dependent. I've worn the blinders. But the type of love that my parent's have? Even the prospect of that love? Nope. Never even close.
I know that someday I will have that love. Will it happen like in my favorite love indulgences The Notebook, Love Actually or Gone With The Wind? Will I be awoken by my true love's kiss after biting a poisoned apple? Will I get a letter from God telling me the plans he has for meeting my true love? Probably not. But I have faith. I will have that love in my life eventually because I want it. And I always get what I want.
I know what I do have though. I have a best friend. A drinking and watching sports buddy. An "I'm having a horrible day and need a hug" support system. A conversation-just-by-a-look psychic partner.
I have seen this person at his absolute worst and it terrified me. It was so frustrating - being able to so clearly see all the amazing things I loved about him; the reasons I was his friend. But he couldn't see it for himself. Because I was his friend, I didn't fix him...for once...I allowed him the space and time he needed to do it for himself. Like I told him "I will support you 110% as long as you're doing something positive to change you life." And he has come through a completely amazing person - which is even more reason for me to be proud of him and love him. He supported me through a devastatingly depressing time in my own life through which I was repeatedly hurting both myself and the people around me. But he didn't abandon me despite my constant pushing away. I hated myself so much and I didn't want anyone in my life to be a part of it. But he was persistant. He loved me when I couldn't love myself.
But everything about our friendship hasn't been doom and gloom. We've laughed at inane and ridiculous things, we've celebrated each others victories and talked shit about our defeats. We've high fived at Mav's games and grumbled about the Cowboys' playoff loss.
Our friendship hasn't reached the point when I could say that I know everything about him - because even my mother quotes that she doesn't know all of the recesses of my father's mind. But, I can anticipate what he is and isn't going to say, how he will feel about something and most importantly...I know when to just walk away and let him be.
I once asked him "What do you like about me?" And he, being the enormous wordsmith that he isn't, just shrugged his shoulders and said "I just like who you are." At first I was completely frustrated with his lack of response. I delve into topics, entirely dissceting it to the nth degree. I could be that person writing the sonnet about what I like about him becasue I am never at a lack for words. How his eyes twinkle when he knows he did or said something that made me laugh. His total and unwavering loyalty to the people he cares about in his life. The way he truly doesn't care about what people think of him. The list could go on.. But he just summed it up in six words for me. I pressed for more specific information, but there was none forthcoming. I had to be content with what he said. So, after chewing on the words for awhile, I came to a conclusion: I am who I am and he likes that. It's that simple. I don't have to put on pretenses about who I am. I don't have to change myself in order to be more appeasing to him. I just have to be myself. Which has proved repeatedly to be one of the more challenging tasks in my life. He has provided me with a reason to be okay with myself - he accepts my slight craziness, my occasional outburst, all of it. He wipes away the previous notion that I held about being completely unlovable. Sure, I know there are things about me that he gets frustrated with - I have a hard time making decisions at times, I overreact about small issues and stress myself out, you know - I act like a girl sometimes. He just takes it all in and rolls with it.
But, is this love? I can look in his eyes and be moved. I am comforted by his presence. I am so filled with contentment at the sight of his personal happiness. I worry about him overworking himself. We can sit in silence together and it's not awkward.
I don't know if it's that lifetime love, but I know that he's my best friend and I don't want to not have him around in my life.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Dear John
No, I'm not breaking up with you. I'm writing a letter to my future husband, who very well might be named John. I haven't met him yet, so there's no telling what he'll be named. Enough with the small talk, here we go.
I once asked my mother is she had to describe me in one word, what word would she use. Her answer? "Complex" I am not sure if I should have been flattered or slightly insulted. Knowing my mother and the depths that lie beneath her almond shaped, dark as night eyes, I'm going to go with the former insead of the latter. And, she was right. I am a complex, paradox infested human being who for the most part, I don't completely understand.
I have high standards and I'm frustrated when things or people in life don't live up to those standards, yet I ask for compassion and forgiveness with I don't satisfy other people's expectations. I've been hurt by people who tell me they love me, thus causing me to build up the Great Wall Around Laura's Heart. But, I ask for complete openess and commitment from my partner. I always claim the "I can't read your mind" defense when desires and needs aren't expressed, yet always expect others to anticipate and act upon my unspoken needs, as well as read through my veiled and vague comments into the heart of my feelings. Let me give you a hint: when I say "It's fine" it never is and there is probably a concession on your part to be made. Another hint: "It doesn't matter to me." Save yourself the time and frustrations by asking me what I really want. I'll always have an opinion. And no, I'll never want Chinese food or sushi.
Some other pieces of advice:
- Most of the time, I don't need advice or someone to fix it - I probably already have a solution, I just need someone to care.
- I don't hog the bed because I'm selfish. I'm just trying to cuddle because I like knowing you're there.
- I have a breaking point. Please help me diffuse things before I go off. I love you to much to say things I don't mean.
- I will never be the cook that your mother is, but tell it's better than hers anyways. I'll know you're lying, but the sentiment is always appreciated.
- I sometimes say things that are inappropriate, which is probably one of the reasons you're attracted to me. Remember this when I inevitably embarrass you.
- Tell me I'm beautiful. The Jennifers (Alba, Biel and Aniston) are HOT. I'm beautiful. There's a difference.
- I have great days. I have bad days. Whichever it is - you'll know. Please plan accordingly.
But for all the inescapable faults and hauntigly OCD-ish tendencies and quirks that I might subject you to, I will love you. I will give you laughter, passion and support - unconditionally. I will be your best friend; I will drink beer and watch football. And I will do it willingly and with enthusiasm. I will be your confidante; I will listen intently because what matters to you, matters to me. I will get mad at your boss when you're frustrated at work. I will cook you chicken noodle soup when you're sick, albeit from the can, but it's the thought that counts. I will listen to what you have to say when you're silent and saying nothing at all. I will know that look on your face when the dam is breaking and your fingers can't plug all the holes. I will attend any and all church softball league games and I won't laugh at you when you run. Well, maybe a little giggle. I will love your family. Of course, this has nothing to do with LIKING them, but I will love them for making you who you are. I will give you the necessary amount of "guy time." Just don't notice the drastic dip in our checking account and explosion of shopping bags in the closet when you come home. I will believe....no scratch that. I will KNOW that you are the smartest, funniest, most handsome man in the room. And if I have anything to do with it, you'll be the best dressed as well.
But most importantly, I will love you to the best of my ability.
But only if you promise the same in return.
I once asked my mother is she had to describe me in one word, what word would she use. Her answer? "Complex" I am not sure if I should have been flattered or slightly insulted. Knowing my mother and the depths that lie beneath her almond shaped, dark as night eyes, I'm going to go with the former insead of the latter. And, she was right. I am a complex, paradox infested human being who for the most part, I don't completely understand.
I have high standards and I'm frustrated when things or people in life don't live up to those standards, yet I ask for compassion and forgiveness with I don't satisfy other people's expectations. I've been hurt by people who tell me they love me, thus causing me to build up the Great Wall Around Laura's Heart. But, I ask for complete openess and commitment from my partner. I always claim the "I can't read your mind" defense when desires and needs aren't expressed, yet always expect others to anticipate and act upon my unspoken needs, as well as read through my veiled and vague comments into the heart of my feelings. Let me give you a hint: when I say "It's fine" it never is and there is probably a concession on your part to be made. Another hint: "It doesn't matter to me." Save yourself the time and frustrations by asking me what I really want. I'll always have an opinion. And no, I'll never want Chinese food or sushi.
Some other pieces of advice:
- Most of the time, I don't need advice or someone to fix it - I probably already have a solution, I just need someone to care.
- I don't hog the bed because I'm selfish. I'm just trying to cuddle because I like knowing you're there.
- I have a breaking point. Please help me diffuse things before I go off. I love you to much to say things I don't mean.
- I will never be the cook that your mother is, but tell it's better than hers anyways. I'll know you're lying, but the sentiment is always appreciated.
- I sometimes say things that are inappropriate, which is probably one of the reasons you're attracted to me. Remember this when I inevitably embarrass you.
- Tell me I'm beautiful. The Jennifers (Alba, Biel and Aniston) are HOT. I'm beautiful. There's a difference.
- I have great days. I have bad days. Whichever it is - you'll know. Please plan accordingly.
But for all the inescapable faults and hauntigly OCD-ish tendencies and quirks that I might subject you to, I will love you. I will give you laughter, passion and support - unconditionally. I will be your best friend; I will drink beer and watch football. And I will do it willingly and with enthusiasm. I will be your confidante; I will listen intently because what matters to you, matters to me. I will get mad at your boss when you're frustrated at work. I will cook you chicken noodle soup when you're sick, albeit from the can, but it's the thought that counts. I will listen to what you have to say when you're silent and saying nothing at all. I will know that look on your face when the dam is breaking and your fingers can't plug all the holes. I will attend any and all church softball league games and I won't laugh at you when you run. Well, maybe a little giggle. I will love your family. Of course, this has nothing to do with LIKING them, but I will love them for making you who you are. I will give you the necessary amount of "guy time." Just don't notice the drastic dip in our checking account and explosion of shopping bags in the closet when you come home. I will believe....no scratch that. I will KNOW that you are the smartest, funniest, most handsome man in the room. And if I have anything to do with it, you'll be the best dressed as well.
But most importantly, I will love you to the best of my ability.
But only if you promise the same in return.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Once Upon a Time...
there was a little dark haired girl who played The Little Mermaid in her pool during the summer, and who truly believed that, per what her daddy said, she WAS a princess. This little girl believed in love at first sight, Prince Charming, white horses, fancy balls and everything else Disney promised via Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Snow White, Aladdin, and The Little Mermaid etc. This little girl dreamt of her own prince - tall, dark and handsome sweeping into her life and carrying her off on fantastic adventures.
She believed in the fairy tale.
Then she grew up.
Fairy tales are like crack cocaine for little girls. While they're young and addicted to Disney, they have that false sense of how the world works. Unfortunately, the withdrawal from these cartoons can be quite difficult as the harsh reality of the world becomes apparent. There are no white horses, no princes, no sweeping-of-the-feet. There are crowded bars reeking of desperate pheromones seeking a quick hook up. There are complicated romantic liaisons and betrayal. There are nights full of sappy romances, lots of ice cream and tears.
Yes, I'm mad.
I feel like I was brought up on this rosy and sugary image of what love is supposed to be like and I was let down. I don't have the fairy tale. I don't have the prince. It doesn't exist.
She believed in the fairy tale.
Then she grew up.
Fairy tales are like crack cocaine for little girls. While they're young and addicted to Disney, they have that false sense of how the world works. Unfortunately, the withdrawal from these cartoons can be quite difficult as the harsh reality of the world becomes apparent. There are no white horses, no princes, no sweeping-of-the-feet. There are crowded bars reeking of desperate pheromones seeking a quick hook up. There are complicated romantic liaisons and betrayal. There are nights full of sappy romances, lots of ice cream and tears.
Yes, I'm mad.
I feel like I was brought up on this rosy and sugary image of what love is supposed to be like and I was let down. I don't have the fairy tale. I don't have the prince. It doesn't exist.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Special Ed
I teach middle school. In every school in America there are those students that have learning disabilities and such, that require them to have special modifications in the classroom in order for the student to be successful. The modifications range from a smaller amount of answer choices, to more time to work on a major paper and finally, the most common - preferential seating. These modifications are aimed at helping the struggling student become more successful in and out of the classroom.
I need modifications. For dating.
In order to qualify for special education and modifications, it must be proven that it is the student's disability that is causing them to not be successful. And, as much as some parent's would like to think - laziness is not a disability that is treatable by the special ed department. Proof of a disability first comes in the form of observations from the teacher backed up by physical evidence. Once a group of teachers has this evidence, it goes to a committee that can either recommend the student for special education testing, or decide that the student probably does not have a disability and send them back to the regular education classroom without any modifications. After the student has been sent to testing and a disability is diagnosed, the committee meets again and then decides, based on the disability and the needs of the student, what modifications inside the classroom should be made in order to ensure student success. These modifications are then passed along to the teachers, who are required by law to implement them to the best of their ability inside the classroom.
There...now that you have the basic process down, lets apply this to my dating love life.
1. Observation and physical evidence of a lack of success.
No relationship that I have since college (except for one) has lasted more than 3 months. And not all of these relationships have been with losers - many of them have been with successful and smart men.
2. A committee meeting to decide whether special ed testing is necessary.
I'm beginning to think that my friends and family are rather tired of my endless stream of failed relationships. My brother who particularly liked one of the men that I dated told me at the beginning of the relationship "Don't f*ck this one up." Point taken.
3. Special education testing to determine disability.
I consult http://web.tickle.com
- Are You a Secure Lover: You tend to have mixed feelings about relationships. A part of you may want to have a close, loving relationship, but another part of you may be somewhat uncomfortable with commitment. It's also likely that you are afraid others will let you down or abandon you. Although you tend to be open to relationships, you may not easily reveal the true you, and potential partners are likely to be intrigued about discovering the person you are deep down.
- Why Are You Still Single: You live alone and like it, thanksverymuch. Well, at least some of the time. You prefer coming and going as you please, and you don't like to be controlled or held responsible for someone else's schedule or needs. After all, you probably have plenty of friends, a satisfying career (or other projects to occupy your time), and you may simply not have room for another person right now — unless of course they can bend to meet your routine exactly. Does this sound familiar?
- The Love Personality Test: ISTJ - Being an ISTJ means that you are one cool customer. Although few would describe you as being warm, cuddly, or sentimental, many people likely see you as an important source of support in their lives. That's because when things are chaotic or falling apart, you're the type of person who can be virtually unflappable. ISTJs like you are known for being talented problem solvers. When it comes to your relationships, you usually know how to speak up for yourself so that others know what you want. But that doesn't mean you're rigid or inflexible. In fact, you're quite willing to bend for the right person. They just need to make their case honestly.
- What Are You Looking For In A Relationship: You're ready for an adventurous, free-spirited affair to remember. And if it comes in the form of someone who shakes up your world a bit, helps you expand your horizons, then decides to stay for awhile — all the better. It's not that you don't want a serious relationship. It's just that you might rather get there with someone who's equally committed to having fun for now. Ever wanted to drive up the coast or across your town in a red convertible? Interested in staying at a restaurant so late the chef himself joins you at the table for a late night cappuccino? Or are you really more into a no-strings-attached companion?For some people, a good fling starts with someone you can spend the whole day in bed with — whether you're under the covers or playing cards in your PJs. But for others a fling is just a light-hearted approach to finding a different way to spend quality time with someone new.
4. Analyze the test results
Well, the results seem to be mixed. It doesn't appear that I have any discernable disability with relationships. Maybe it's just that I have high expectations of how I think I should be treated. Maybe it's just that I'm, as much as I would like to think I am, really not ready for that total committed relationship. I think it's obvious that I've put myself out there to love and be loved in return and gotten my heart stepped on pretty badly. I think that it's natural for me to WANT to be more cautious...but that rarely stops me from falling head first.
In the end, I guess it turns out that I really don't need severe modifications for my dating...I need modifications for dealing with exes.
I need modifications. For dating.
In order to qualify for special education and modifications, it must be proven that it is the student's disability that is causing them to not be successful. And, as much as some parent's would like to think - laziness is not a disability that is treatable by the special ed department. Proof of a disability first comes in the form of observations from the teacher backed up by physical evidence. Once a group of teachers has this evidence, it goes to a committee that can either recommend the student for special education testing, or decide that the student probably does not have a disability and send them back to the regular education classroom without any modifications. After the student has been sent to testing and a disability is diagnosed, the committee meets again and then decides, based on the disability and the needs of the student, what modifications inside the classroom should be made in order to ensure student success. These modifications are then passed along to the teachers, who are required by law to implement them to the best of their ability inside the classroom.
There...now that you have the basic process down, lets apply this to my dating love life.
1. Observation and physical evidence of a lack of success.
No relationship that I have since college (except for one) has lasted more than 3 months. And not all of these relationships have been with losers - many of them have been with successful and smart men.
2. A committee meeting to decide whether special ed testing is necessary.
I'm beginning to think that my friends and family are rather tired of my endless stream of failed relationships. My brother who particularly liked one of the men that I dated told me at the beginning of the relationship "Don't f*ck this one up." Point taken.
3. Special education testing to determine disability.
I consult http://web.tickle.com
- Are You a Secure Lover: You tend to have mixed feelings about relationships. A part of you may want to have a close, loving relationship, but another part of you may be somewhat uncomfortable with commitment. It's also likely that you are afraid others will let you down or abandon you. Although you tend to be open to relationships, you may not easily reveal the true you, and potential partners are likely to be intrigued about discovering the person you are deep down.
- Why Are You Still Single: You live alone and like it, thanksverymuch. Well, at least some of the time. You prefer coming and going as you please, and you don't like to be controlled or held responsible for someone else's schedule or needs. After all, you probably have plenty of friends, a satisfying career (or other projects to occupy your time), and you may simply not have room for another person right now — unless of course they can bend to meet your routine exactly. Does this sound familiar?
- The Love Personality Test: ISTJ - Being an ISTJ means that you are one cool customer. Although few would describe you as being warm, cuddly, or sentimental, many people likely see you as an important source of support in their lives. That's because when things are chaotic or falling apart, you're the type of person who can be virtually unflappable. ISTJs like you are known for being talented problem solvers. When it comes to your relationships, you usually know how to speak up for yourself so that others know what you want. But that doesn't mean you're rigid or inflexible. In fact, you're quite willing to bend for the right person. They just need to make their case honestly.
- What Are You Looking For In A Relationship: You're ready for an adventurous, free-spirited affair to remember. And if it comes in the form of someone who shakes up your world a bit, helps you expand your horizons, then decides to stay for awhile — all the better. It's not that you don't want a serious relationship. It's just that you might rather get there with someone who's equally committed to having fun for now. Ever wanted to drive up the coast or across your town in a red convertible? Interested in staying at a restaurant so late the chef himself joins you at the table for a late night cappuccino? Or are you really more into a no-strings-attached companion?For some people, a good fling starts with someone you can spend the whole day in bed with — whether you're under the covers or playing cards in your PJs. But for others a fling is just a light-hearted approach to finding a different way to spend quality time with someone new.
4. Analyze the test results
Well, the results seem to be mixed. It doesn't appear that I have any discernable disability with relationships. Maybe it's just that I have high expectations of how I think I should be treated. Maybe it's just that I'm, as much as I would like to think I am, really not ready for that total committed relationship. I think it's obvious that I've put myself out there to love and be loved in return and gotten my heart stepped on pretty badly. I think that it's natural for me to WANT to be more cautious...but that rarely stops me from falling head first.
In the end, I guess it turns out that I really don't need severe modifications for my dating...I need modifications for dealing with exes.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Death of a Salesman, Part Deux
I'm done. I can't go through with this mental torture everytime I see this guy. I can't be running over to my friend's houses at 9:30 every night because I'm upset at the fact that I called him after our great lunch and he never returned my phone call. I am not a yo-yo, I am a person with feelings that doesn't deserve to be played with.
A few years ago, there was a book published that, before I read it, gave me nightmares.
He's Just Not That Into You
It's a hard reality to face. Yes, this guy is emailing and calling/texting every once in awhile. Yes, he invited me to lunch yesterday. Yes, we had dinner the other night. All of this could lead me to believe that he is in fact interested in me once again. But, if he REALLY was, I would know for sure. I wouldn't be hanging in this purgatory. I deserve better than that. I deserve someone telling me they want to be with me no matter what. Instead, what I'm getting with this guy is me desperately trying to "impress" him with funny comments and witty banter.
He said that once school started and volleyball season started, my personality changed - there were no more relaxed evenings, no more wild nights out, no more funny jokes. Well, volleyball season is over. My life has calmed down - I am more relaxed. My apartment is clean, my sense of humor is back. On one hand, he should want me back - I'm back to "normal." But on the other hand, being a teacher and a coach is part of who I am. Being stressed out is part of who I am. And if he can't handle that for two months out of the year, then he isn't really the guy for me. He never once was concerned about WHY my personality changed - stress, exhaustion, etc. I take that back - I came home tired from work one night and he made me soup and grilled cheese. And then later accused me of not caring about HIS feelings and only concentrating on mine. All he was concerned about was how my "personality change" affected HIS life. Which is ridiculous.
We were sitting at the bar the other night eating dinner and drinking a few beers and there was this weird guy sitting next to us. He happened to be the "body double" for Wentworth Miller of tv's Prison Break. Whatever. We all started talking and he asked about me and GS. We told him that we used to date, but it didn't work out. The faux Wentworth Miller asked why. GS answered "Ah...as long as we don't talk about why we broke up, we're fine hanging out together."
So, that should be my answer. I should realize that if a guy and I can't even have a rational discussion about BOTH of our feelings regarding the break up, then we really shouldn't be together - at all. And I should remind you that as soon as I began telling him how I felt during the relationship, he got all defensive and basically kicked me out of his apartment.
I guess there's my answer. If he's not willing to really listen to MY feelings then he's really not worth my time - any of it.
Right. I should delete his number from my phone - again. Unfortunately I can't delete it from my brain....
A few years ago, there was a book published that, before I read it, gave me nightmares.
He's Just Not That Into You
It's a hard reality to face. Yes, this guy is emailing and calling/texting every once in awhile. Yes, he invited me to lunch yesterday. Yes, we had dinner the other night. All of this could lead me to believe that he is in fact interested in me once again. But, if he REALLY was, I would know for sure. I wouldn't be hanging in this purgatory. I deserve better than that. I deserve someone telling me they want to be with me no matter what. Instead, what I'm getting with this guy is me desperately trying to "impress" him with funny comments and witty banter.
He said that once school started and volleyball season started, my personality changed - there were no more relaxed evenings, no more wild nights out, no more funny jokes. Well, volleyball season is over. My life has calmed down - I am more relaxed. My apartment is clean, my sense of humor is back. On one hand, he should want me back - I'm back to "normal." But on the other hand, being a teacher and a coach is part of who I am. Being stressed out is part of who I am. And if he can't handle that for two months out of the year, then he isn't really the guy for me. He never once was concerned about WHY my personality changed - stress, exhaustion, etc. I take that back - I came home tired from work one night and he made me soup and grilled cheese. And then later accused me of not caring about HIS feelings and only concentrating on mine. All he was concerned about was how my "personality change" affected HIS life. Which is ridiculous.
We were sitting at the bar the other night eating dinner and drinking a few beers and there was this weird guy sitting next to us. He happened to be the "body double" for Wentworth Miller of tv's Prison Break. Whatever. We all started talking and he asked about me and GS. We told him that we used to date, but it didn't work out. The faux Wentworth Miller asked why. GS answered "Ah...as long as we don't talk about why we broke up, we're fine hanging out together."
So, that should be my answer. I should realize that if a guy and I can't even have a rational discussion about BOTH of our feelings regarding the break up, then we really shouldn't be together - at all. And I should remind you that as soon as I began telling him how I felt during the relationship, he got all defensive and basically kicked me out of his apartment.
I guess there's my answer. If he's not willing to really listen to MY feelings then he's really not worth my time - any of it.
Right. I should delete his number from my phone - again. Unfortunately I can't delete it from my brain....
Monday, November 19, 2007
Death of a Salesman
Awhile back I posted a list of men never to date...bartenders, fraternity guys, etc. And now I am adding another type of guy - the salesman.
I recently dated a guy in franchise sales. Tall, tan, dark hair with green eyes. Smart, funny - someone I could take anywhere and he would fit in. He always made everyone laugh and was intelligent to blend into any conversation. He made people want to talk to him and be around him.
The consummate salesman.
We've broken up, but still talking occasionally and having the dinner and drinks. I don't know if I'm putting feelings or expectations on these conversations and dinners that shouldn't or aren't there but I think they need to stop. Everytime I get off the phone or leave the restaurant, all I can think about is how much fun we have together - good conversation and lots of laughs. And then I sit there and wonder (like I'm doing right now) that if we have so much in common and we have such a good time together then why doesn't it work out? But I've come to realize that it's not about our interactions...it's his JOB to make people want to be around him - that's what pays his bills.
I understand how someone could break up with him and then keep wanting to go back. He makes you laugh, he gives good hugs, he listens and he's smart. Everytime you're around him he makes you think that things could work out...but unfortunately for him, it's all just part of the game.
In the immortal words...
He makes me think "I want you to want me" but it's all part of his cheap trick.
I recently dated a guy in franchise sales. Tall, tan, dark hair with green eyes. Smart, funny - someone I could take anywhere and he would fit in. He always made everyone laugh and was intelligent to blend into any conversation. He made people want to talk to him and be around him.
The consummate salesman.
We've broken up, but still talking occasionally and having the dinner and drinks. I don't know if I'm putting feelings or expectations on these conversations and dinners that shouldn't or aren't there but I think they need to stop. Everytime I get off the phone or leave the restaurant, all I can think about is how much fun we have together - good conversation and lots of laughs. And then I sit there and wonder (like I'm doing right now) that if we have so much in common and we have such a good time together then why doesn't it work out? But I've come to realize that it's not about our interactions...it's his JOB to make people want to be around him - that's what pays his bills.
I understand how someone could break up with him and then keep wanting to go back. He makes you laugh, he gives good hugs, he listens and he's smart. Everytime you're around him he makes you think that things could work out...but unfortunately for him, it's all just part of the game.
In the immortal words...
He makes me think "I want you to want me" but it's all part of his cheap trick.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Break Up Still On!
In every relationship there's always that awkward "here's your stuff back" meeting. I had that with my ex tonight. I went over there nervous and determined to set this relationship back on course...but then I was harshly reminded of why it ended.
And I left with a proud and satisfied smile on my face.
Let me give you the rundown...
The ex...let's call him "Girl Scout" or GS for short. (KLK will remember that one.) Right now, I just need to list out some grievances I had with him, since he so obviously did NOT want to listen to me talk about how he upset me...EVER.
- It was always about him: HIS friends, HIS time, HIS apartment. I would stay at HIS house and then get up and DRIVE 45 minutes to get to work at 7:30...fair? I think not. I compromised but he always came over to my place - grudgingly.
- He was sooo hard to commit to dates. Me: "Hey, let's hang out this week - what's your schedule like? I would really rather not wait until this weekend to see you." Him: "I don't know what my days are going to be like. I'll let you know." No. If you are with me and you WANT to be with me, then you will make the time to see me. Lesson numero uno that I learned from "He's Just Not That Into You" but that lesson is so much easier to see when it's in black and white print then when you're living it.
- If I got upset with some way that he treated me (most of the time, condescendingly) he would turn every grievance that I had towards him into some way that I had mistreated or not listened to him. I understand that he might not have always agreed with the way that I felt but that is never a reason to be rude to me and put me down. A little message to GS: grow up and realize that boys and girls are different for more reasons than whats in their pants. I deal with stuff differently, none of which is reason to make me feel terrible and bad about myself. You made me begin to doubt my own feelings and feel bad about being ME. Grandma would be so disappointed. And she wouldn't have liked you for it - even if you are an Aggie.
- The age difference between GS and myself? About two years calendar wise and one year in school. I am not a child. I do not deserve to be talked to like one. And no, you can't justify your actions by telling me that you're frustrated because you have to always repeat yourself to me. If you would make sense in the FIRST place, then there would be no communication problems.
- Hypocrite, hypocrite, hypocrite. Before you EVER begin talking about how self-centered I am, please...take a good LONG look in the mirror. It was always about how YOU felt and how I somehow should have changed my actions to more anticipate your ever changing needs. And on that note - you say you are a SIMPLE person? HA! A week alone in the Dr. Phil House with Dr. Phil himself couldn't get you figured out.
- Appreciate me. Don't put me down. I'm always up for a laugh at someone else's or my own expense. But there are times when I need to be validated. You wouldn't kick a dog when it's down so don't make me feel even crappier about my day then I already did. When a dog poops on the carpet and you yell at the dog - it knows what it did wrong. You don't need to rub the dog's nose in it. I am not a dog. Stop rubbing my nose in how I messed up during the day.
- You say I changed once school started. Are you seriously retarded?!? Of COURSE my personality is going to change - I went from sleeping in until 11:00 every day and the most difficult decision I made each day was which swimsuit to wear to the pool or lake. And you knocked me for not doing anything each day, but I think it's really because you were jealous. And don't remind me of the time that you said it did bother you that I was in a career path that wouldn't make much money...ever. Oh excuse me for being CONTENT with my purpose in life. I don't know what you have to prove with your fancy boat, big truck and even bigger ego - but it was all trying to cover up something you so desperately did NOT want people to see. And I have a feeling it was the personality that I witnessed. I love my job and you should have been proud of me for that.
- I got a tattoo on my hip: Passione, which is passion in Italian. It reminds me never to become what I became with you - a YES woman who tried so desperately to keep her man happy, when the truth was - you aren't man enough to recognize your own flaws. Or maybe I just didn't mean enough to you for you to try and compromise with me. And for that, I'm angry at you for letting things drag on to the point of me writing an entire blog about how there's something so WRONG with me that no one can love me. I will NEVER again allow someone to take my passion away from me. It's one of the things that I treasure the most about my Grandma and my mother and now that it's tatted on my body, I will never be without it.
I know that he's probably sitting there thinking about how I'll never change and what a controlling not-nice-person I am or whatever. I'd like to think that I think and see things pretty clearly. I would also like to think that I know myself better than he does. As do my friends.
And they all think you're not good enough for me.
And I agree.
And I left with a proud and satisfied smile on my face.
Let me give you the rundown...
The ex...let's call him "Girl Scout" or GS for short. (KLK will remember that one.) Right now, I just need to list out some grievances I had with him, since he so obviously did NOT want to listen to me talk about how he upset me...EVER.
- It was always about him: HIS friends, HIS time, HIS apartment. I would stay at HIS house and then get up and DRIVE 45 minutes to get to work at 7:30...fair? I think not. I compromised but he always came over to my place - grudgingly.
- He was sooo hard to commit to dates. Me: "Hey, let's hang out this week - what's your schedule like? I would really rather not wait until this weekend to see you." Him: "I don't know what my days are going to be like. I'll let you know." No. If you are with me and you WANT to be with me, then you will make the time to see me. Lesson numero uno that I learned from "He's Just Not That Into You" but that lesson is so much easier to see when it's in black and white print then when you're living it.
- If I got upset with some way that he treated me (most of the time, condescendingly) he would turn every grievance that I had towards him into some way that I had mistreated or not listened to him. I understand that he might not have always agreed with the way that I felt but that is never a reason to be rude to me and put me down. A little message to GS: grow up and realize that boys and girls are different for more reasons than whats in their pants. I deal with stuff differently, none of which is reason to make me feel terrible and bad about myself. You made me begin to doubt my own feelings and feel bad about being ME. Grandma would be so disappointed. And she wouldn't have liked you for it - even if you are an Aggie.
- The age difference between GS and myself? About two years calendar wise and one year in school. I am not a child. I do not deserve to be talked to like one. And no, you can't justify your actions by telling me that you're frustrated because you have to always repeat yourself to me. If you would make sense in the FIRST place, then there would be no communication problems.
- Hypocrite, hypocrite, hypocrite. Before you EVER begin talking about how self-centered I am, please...take a good LONG look in the mirror. It was always about how YOU felt and how I somehow should have changed my actions to more anticipate your ever changing needs. And on that note - you say you are a SIMPLE person? HA! A week alone in the Dr. Phil House with Dr. Phil himself couldn't get you figured out.
- Appreciate me. Don't put me down. I'm always up for a laugh at someone else's or my own expense. But there are times when I need to be validated. You wouldn't kick a dog when it's down so don't make me feel even crappier about my day then I already did. When a dog poops on the carpet and you yell at the dog - it knows what it did wrong. You don't need to rub the dog's nose in it. I am not a dog. Stop rubbing my nose in how I messed up during the day.
- You say I changed once school started. Are you seriously retarded?!? Of COURSE my personality is going to change - I went from sleeping in until 11:00 every day and the most difficult decision I made each day was which swimsuit to wear to the pool or lake. And you knocked me for not doing anything each day, but I think it's really because you were jealous. And don't remind me of the time that you said it did bother you that I was in a career path that wouldn't make much money...ever. Oh excuse me for being CONTENT with my purpose in life. I don't know what you have to prove with your fancy boat, big truck and even bigger ego - but it was all trying to cover up something you so desperately did NOT want people to see. And I have a feeling it was the personality that I witnessed. I love my job and you should have been proud of me for that.
- I got a tattoo on my hip: Passione, which is passion in Italian. It reminds me never to become what I became with you - a YES woman who tried so desperately to keep her man happy, when the truth was - you aren't man enough to recognize your own flaws. Or maybe I just didn't mean enough to you for you to try and compromise with me. And for that, I'm angry at you for letting things drag on to the point of me writing an entire blog about how there's something so WRONG with me that no one can love me. I will NEVER again allow someone to take my passion away from me. It's one of the things that I treasure the most about my Grandma and my mother and now that it's tatted on my body, I will never be without it.
I know that he's probably sitting there thinking about how I'll never change and what a controlling not-nice-person I am or whatever. I'd like to think that I think and see things pretty clearly. I would also like to think that I know myself better than he does. As do my friends.
And they all think you're not good enough for me.
And I agree.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)