Things in my head have been a little...rough. I think the fact that I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders has finally caught up with me and is affecting my sleeping patterns. And when I'm tired...I'm a little cranky and off kilter emotionally. And my sleep patterns definitely have changed. I usually wake up two to three times a night; most likely after an extremely vivid and disturbing nightmares and dreams. And if I don't wake up several times a night? I wake up in the morning just after one of those vivid dreams and if feels like I never went to sleep.
What happens is that I shove everything back in the far recesses of my mind and try to just move on. I'm not sure where I learned this mentality but I have a feeling it stems somewhere from the "tough it out" or "shake it off" comments I heard so many times throughout my athletic career. Either way, I ignore everything for as long as I can until eventually I become a boiling pot that is unwatched...everything starts boiling over and out uncontrollably and it's a mess. And the uninhibited emotions that explode are never aimed at anyone else - it's all directed towards myself. I irrationally blame and beat myself up over every little thing that I might have done wrong. Like I told my mother - I forget about the forest and instead focus on the individual trees. I could go the whole day being a fantastic teacher and coach, but at the end of the day I will focus on the fact that maybe I made an insensitive comment at lunch or that a parent's email expressed frustration with my teaching or the way I run my class. I completely ignore the fact that it was ONE event out of a whole day.
Needless to say...Craig's patience has been infinitely tested this week and I must admit - he has passed with flying colors. Each night this week when I have come home increasingly more upset, he has continued to surprise me with his compassion, reassurance, and tolerance. I even asked him why he put up with me - his answer? Because he loves me. Duh Laura. But it's hard for me to understand why he would want to deal with me like that when I can't deal with me. And then I start feeling guilty for always being the one that has to lean on him for support and then the cycle starts all over again. Do you see the vicious circle I create for myself? Being on the other side of all the emotion, I can look back and see the sheer ridiculousness of it all, but at the time...it was rough.
As far as wedding planning progress that has been made - we have a date, a site, our wedding party, our colors, the honeymoon and my wedding dress picked out and payments have begun to be made. For those of you who are interested:
- Date: March 13, 2010
- Site: A golf resort hotel by Texas Speedway
- Wedding Party: My bridesmaids are Amy Z. (Matron of Honor - BFF from elementary), Jennifer F. (BFF from adulthood), Kate W. (BFF from diapers) and Beri D. (BFF from work). Craig's groomsmen are Ron G. (Best Man - Basketball buddy), Ricky T. (Basketball buddy), Doug W. (Work buddy), Zach F. (The ORIGINAL "buddy").
- Colors: Light green and chocolate brown
- Honeymoon: The Sandals resort in Antigua for a week!
- Dress: Very me...I can't show you on the rare chance that Craig checks this site, but google Maggie Sottero Pressley and you'll see it.
Other than that, we're just ready for tournament season to start so we can really start planning and paying for our wedding. More than that though, I'm ready for our Spring Break vacation to Vegas!!!