Kairos

Awhile back I came across a blog post by Glennon Melton over at Momastery about not feeling the need to CHERISH EVERY SINGLE MOMENT with our children because honestly, who "cherishes" a temper tantrum or a 4:00am feeding?  But instead to savor and soak in the kairos moments - those sweet moments where time slows down and your vision becomes clear and you can fully see and appreciate the beauty that you have in your life.

This week has been tough.  Not only is our calender completely jam packed full of commitments like basketball games, Bible Study, volleyball league and one awesome Kelly Clarkson concert but this also happens to be the week that Natalie has decided she would prefer all night parties with Mom and Dad over sleeping through the night in her cozy crib.  

Needless to say, Craig and I are wiped out.  There have been multiple prayers sent out into the universe for patience and sleep.  But even still, I'm having a hard time seeing the kairos through the chronos.

I started a new Bible Study last night that will delve into the book of Peter.  It's a women only study that is lead by the uber talented sister-in-law of my friend Emily and meets every Tuesday night from 7:00 - 8:45.  I was grateful to get out of the house for a few hours and go to a place where I could turn off my cell phone and just immerse myself in something far greater, wider and deeper than the frustrating week I've been having.  When I returned home, Craig had THAT look on his face.  Crap.  My heart dropped to my stomach and my chest began tightening up - what had happened while I was gone that I should have been home for?

"Angie and Ajax got in a little bit of trouble tonight," Craig started.

I squinted my eyes and cocked my head.  "Trouble.  The dogs."  What on God's green Earth could these two dogs have done while I was gone, I thought.

"Well.........it seems like there is some.......um.......sexual tension between them."

Excuse me?  Please keep in mind that our animals are spayed and neutered and therefore devoid of any "animalistic" tendencies.

I raised an eyebrow.

"Angie humped Ajax.........a few times..........and he snapped at her."  Craig looked slightly sheepish and definitely mildly embarrassed.

I had to grab onto the back of the couch to keep myself from falling down.  I always knew that Angie was quite the Alpha dog, likes to be in charge of the pack and assert her authority but I didn't expect her to you know....hump her brother.

From an animal point of view, I understand why she did that - she was just making sure that Ajax understood his place in our family, well, at least where SHE thinks his place is, but just because I understand the reason doesn't make it any less funny.

I needed that gut-busting laugh.  I needed that KAIROS moment to remind me of the sheer absurdity life throws at us sometimes.

And then there was the kairos moment I had this morning at 4:30.  Craig had already done his nighttime duty with Natalie and she wasn't settling down in her crib.  I pulled her into bed with me around 4:00 and desperately tried to get her to calm down and settle into something resembling sleep.  She was cradled up under my arm with her head on my shoulder and she was not happy.  This girl is a mover and a shaker and rarely likes to be held or comforted.  

I turned on my iPod and flipped to the "chill" playlist I created a few days ago.  I shh'd her, hummed along with John Mayer and Jeff Buckley and patted her back.  

Slowly, ever so slowly she calmed.  She stopped writhing.  Her eyes closed and her breathing evened out.  I dared not move an inch.  Somewhere after 5:00, I too drifted off to an uneasy and shallow sleep.  

The alarm roused me at 6:30 to which I promptly hit snooze and checked on my girl who was flailed out beside me, her hair sticky and wild from the heat of being tucked under my chin.  She was still asleep.

And while she slept, I kairosed.  I soaked in the moment.  Her quiet and cuddly.  My satisfaction at being able to comfort her during a rough night.  My pride at not losing control or being overcome by anxiety.  Those flushed and round cheeks centered around her slightly puckered pink lips.

This is motherhood.  The good, the great, the bad and the ugly.  You cannot appreciate the kairos without trudging through the chronos.

December 2011

The next few posts I'm going to be linking up with Robin at Farewell Stranger who writes a beautifully personal PPD blog. She's doing a series of blog posts which look back at the wonderful moments of the past year despite struggling through motherhood and PPD. I'm doing this series along with her because I desperately want to remember the first year of Natalie's life as something positive and beautiful instead of full of pain, frustration, anger, anxiety and darkness.

HOLIDAY FUN

This is the month that I was looking forward to the most because it's the month of the year where I was most PRESENT with my family.  I had a massive revelation at the beginning of the month where I "woke up" and shook off the fog and found my strength.

When Natalie was first born everyone's first words about her always had to do something with the fact that she looked exactly like her father.  As she has grown up throughout the year, although in her eyes she is most definitely CRAIG, her facial expressions have grown to be more like mine - especially when she smiles....or is angry.  Ha.

And thus begins her love affair with Santa Claus.  Seriously.  She was enamoured.  Maybe it was the beard.....I don't know.  But she wouldn't take her eyes off of him.

In the month of December she definitely got more mobile and braver as she scooted around our house trying to test her boundaries and see what she could get into.  A box of diapers?  Go for it.

Christmas trees sure are magical, aren't they?  At my parent's house the Christmas tree was always in the front formal living room and I can remember being in awe of it as a small child. 

Eek!  Santa is coming soon and I'm wearing a tutu!  Life is so exciting when you're almost ten months old!!!  I love her excitement in this photo and I'm so glad you can't hear the crazy voices I was making to get her this wound up for a photograph.

On the first full day of our Christmas vacation Natalie and I met up with a very good friend and her two kiddos and we explored the Dallas Zoo together.  Although I'm sure Natalie had fun cruising in her stroller and gazing at the different animals, this trip was more fun for me and Beri because it gave us a much needed chance to hang out and catch up.

What good is having a little girl if you can't dress her up once in awhile and put an enormously PINK hairbow in her hair?  Seriously.  This kid lives in jeans, tennis shoes and hoodies most of the time.  I absolutely reserve the right to "girly" her up for special occasions like a ladies tea with my mother.

Speaking of which - here are the two most important women in my life with some of the women that laid the foundation for the tradition of strong women in my family.  These paintings are of my mother's grandmother and her sister.  My mother can remember them hanging in her grandmother and mother's homes and now they are in hers.  I can remember them in my grandmother and now my mother's home and someday they will reside in mine as well. 

Craig's favorite time of the day with Natalie is bedtime - he rocks her to sleep every single night (at least when he doesn't have basketball games) and it's their special time together.  Christmas Eve was no different.....with the addition of Twas the Night Before Christmas of course.

Riding her pony.  Our house is now overflowing with toys and it's been so fun watching her figure out how to "play" with all the wonderful things she was given for Christmas.

WHAT.  A.  YEAR.

I don't really even know what to say now that I haven't said before.  On most days....I enjoy my daughter and I enjoy being her mother.  I still have my moments of anxiety, frustration, anger, depression and all that other junk but the good news is that they're just that.  MOMENTS.  Not hours, not days, not weeks.  Just little blips on my radar.  Craig knows the signals....hell even ANGIE knows the signals and they do their best to take care of business so I can get through the moment in one piece. 

There you have it.  My year.  Now onto planning a very important first birthday party.  Holy cow.  Are we really already here?!

November 2011

The next few posts I'm going to be linking up with Robin at Farewell Stranger who writes a beautifully personal PPD blog. She's doing a series of blog posts which look back at the wonderful moments of the past year despite struggling through motherhood and PPD. I'm doing this series along with her because I desperately want to remember the first year of Natalie's life as something positive and beautiful instead of full of pain, frustration, anger, anxiety and darkness.

THANKFUL

Showing a little bit more of her personality.

Natalie's two older boy cousins sure do enjoy spending time with her - I have a feeling they will be teaching her all sorts of FUN things. 

My dad pushing Natalie on the refurbished Barbie Jeep he found for her.

Thanksgiving was rough.  It was stressful.  It was busy.  It was chaotic.  I was angry for the majority of the week.  That's all I remember from November.  That week was a major setback for me and I promised Craig that if things didn't get drastically better by the time the new year started then I would be rethinking my treatment options and looking into new methods of getting better.  I don't have much to say about this month except that I was pretty miserable.  There were good moments but more than anything, I was locked in that fog.

Today

Today I refuse to be a victim.

Today I am not allowing myself to be bullied, guilted or shamed.

Today I am confident and strong but still compassionate and understanding.

Today I know that I am a good mother and that Natalie adores me.

Today I am proud of the mother, wife, daughter and human being that I am.

Today is a good day.

A Great Saturday

Today was a good day.  Just one of those perfect Saturdays when there are no time constraints but instead just a general idea of things to get accomplished with plenty of room for naps and watching football.  Craig, Natalie and I started our day with lunch at Red Robin and Natalie was just delightful.  Even though she didn't get a very good night sleep due to the congestion she's been struggling with, she was giggly and smiling throughout lunch and thoroughly enjoyed her bits of hamburger bun and french fries that we indulged her in.  Afterwards we had to do some grocery shopping at Walmart as well as get some more stuff for Christmas.  She absolutely loves going to the store because there are so many things for her to look at.  She was such a good little girl sitting in the seat and staying quiet but attentive and she even managed to keep her hands to herself, her shoes on her feet AND her mouth off the shopping cart handle!  We came home and all of us took much needed afternoon naps which were followed up by a delicious dinner of homemade "fried" chicken tenders, mashed potatoes, and peas for me and carrots for Craig.  The only bummer is that Natalie's croup is still giving her coughing fits which makes it difficult for her to fall asleep.  Hopefully the humidifier, the ibuprofen and baby vicks on her chest and feet will help her to feel better fast.

Tomorrow is shaping up to be a day like today - we've got to get some laundry done and we're going to try to put away the Halloween decor and I'd like to stroll down to the park for a bit with Natalie and Angie but nothing is set in stone and that feels really great.

And a few things I just want to remember from this week....

- Natalie on the floor of the bathroom playing with the brown fabric laundry basket and all of a sudden....it's flipping over and covering her completely!  Silence and stillness.  And then a whimper.

- A sick baby girl cuddled up on my chest under a blanket with a puppy dog lying at my feet on the couch while we watch Alabama versus LSU on a chilly Saturday night.

- Buying a four foot Christmas tree for the living room (our big tree will be moved to the dining room out of the reach of little chubby baby hands) on the fifth day of November and my husband insisting that we get in the holiday spirit by putting the tree up....THAT VERY SAME AFTERNOON.