Clusterf*ck

Yesterday sucked. Finding out my boyfriend had lied to me and jetted off to Miami with his ex-girlfriend? Definitely a day for the record books. After some liquid therapy, lunch and a pedicure, I was feeling better. I visited with my friend Kate and my mom in person, as well as with others over the telephone. The hardest part was wrapping my head around the fact that he had gone round my back to do something that he knew would upset me. It was deception pure and simple. I was and still am very hurt. And the hurt was particularly deep because I didn't expect this from him - I thought that he had respect for my feelings and for our relationship. I had so many emotions running through my head at once, I honestly thought I might explode. The funny thing is...I was laughing throughout the whole day. Because 1) I didn't want to cry and 2) the whole situation was so absurd. It was truly a clusterf*ck of emotions.

But, I did talk to him last night for about an hour. I didn't necessarily "let him have it" but I expressed every emotion and feeling that I had throughout the day. I'm not sure if he still really understands the depths to which he hurt me. I think I'll have to see his face when he looks me in the eye to know for sure.

So....where are things with us right now? I'm not particularly sure. We made a step last night towards reconciliation because he did listen to me and he admitted both guilt and remorse. He knows that I don't trust him. I flat out told him that there was no way that he was going to be able to talk his way out of this one. What he did was wrong and that's that. No getting around that fact. His relationship with her needs to be remodeled. There are a few of my exes that I'm still in contact with, but my main priority is always the person that I am currently involved with. You have to have that boundary and know where your priorities lie. His priority should lie with me. I didn't feel that yesterday.

I felt small, duped, insignificant, a "Trophy" girlfriend, dumb, naive and used. I want to have sympathy for this woman because what she has and is going through is quite tragic. But when her problems cause problems in my relationship, that's where my sympathy stops. Where in his thought process did he think "How is this going to affect 'The Cheese?'" I hate being that girl that screams "What about me!" But seriously...what about how I was going to feel about this little vaca to Florida? He deliberately didn't tell me he was going because he knew it would upset me. To that, I responded - then you shouldn't have gone. It makes sense to me, that if I know something I was going to do was going to deeply upset and hurt my significant other - I wouldn't do it! Yes. This point was reiterated over and over and over. I shot down my exes innocent invitation for wakeboarding sessions on the the lake this summer because I knew it would upset the bf. I mean, seriously. That doesn't even COMPARE to him buying plane tickets, reserving a hotel and jetting off to Miami with HER.

I was the one that was there when she broke his heart. I was the one that patiently helped him pick up the pieces. I drove to Fox and the Hound at 11:00 one cold Sunday January night. I am loyal to and protective of his heart because I have seen what happened when she broke his heart. How could he turn around and do that to me? With HER of all people? Seriously?

I know that I'm still angry. He can't expect me to get over this one in 24 hours. Trust is broken. When I found out where he really was, I immediately ran my brain through all the times when he was going to stay at his "mom's" house, or the times he was texting for "business." I am doubting everything I heard or saw him do...or more importantly, the things I DIDN'T hear or see him do. This is going to take a lot of time and work on his part. He has to show me that he is worth my trust again. That he is fully, 100% committed to me. I also have a lot of work to do as well. I have to maturely discuss my frustrations and anger with him. Unfortunately, I don't think that involves the swift kick to the nuts that he really deserves. Once I vent my fellings...that's it. I have let him know how I feel and the ball is in his court as to whether or not he would like to truly be with me.

But once I vent...I have to let him be about it. I can't keep shoving his nose in what he did wrong. That's only going to create a division between the two of us. Me, holding this hurt over his head while only torturing myself by keeping the anger around. Him, cowering in the fact that I have this power over him while only making him resent the fact that I'm not letting him out of the shackles.

But just because I let go of the anger doesn't mean that I automatically forgive him. Forgiveness is earned and I can't just forgive him because I'm tired of the work and effort that will have to go into rebuilding our relationship. But once I forgive him...I can't keep punishing him. Like in SATC when Carrie keeps punishing herself for cheating on Aidan with Mr. Big. If I tell the bf that I forgive him, I can't use this situation as a trump card in a disagreement six months into the future. If I forgive him...I must truly mean it.

Will I forget what he did? Never. It's going to take me a long time until I'm not suspicious about text messages and what he's doing when he's not with me. Although I'm confident that nothing physical occurred between them...it's emotional cheating. There will be parameters set with their relationship. If he wants to be with me, he has to let go of her. I hate to be the girlfriend that declares an ultimatum...but come on. He flew to Miami with her.

Ugh. Why is he so retarded? He has a brain - why didn't he use it?