Forgiveness

How do you forgive a stab to the heart? How do you knowingly stab someone that you "love" in the heart?

It is no secret that I've been hurt in love. After David I didn't form any long lasting relationships. I just dated freely because I couldn't bear the thought of giving my heart away to someone who could potentially rip it to shreds...again. My life was full of friends, late nights and lots of hazy memories. My dating life became a sort of joke - the punchline being my inability to commit for longer than three months.

But then, finally I met this guy. We formed a unique little friendship over beer and sports which gradually morphed into a loving relationship that lasted a whopping four months. I was happy - I was ecstatic even. More importantly, I felt loved for the person I truly am, and I was with someone whom I believed I could truly trust.

But...I was betrayed and got my heart stomped on by him - someone I believed would never hurt me. There's that cliche saying that girls tell other girls when boys make them cry...something about how no man is worth your tears and the one who is wonm't make you cry. Well, this morning, he made me cry. He made me sob. He made me feel as if the walls were closing in. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't speak. Apparently he's not that man over which I should be spilling my tears.

As everyone knows, I am a Sex and the City fan - not only because of the fabulous clothes and shoes, but also because of the frankness, the realness and the wittiness through which real life relationships are discussed and portrayed. There are dozens of episodes in which I can visualize myself having the exact same conversation with my own circle of girlfriends. I am not sure if it is art imitating life, or the opposite, but I have found my own personal Mr. Big. He's the guy that can take you everywhere and give you the world if you asked for it. But there is always that element of "do I really have him? Is he really mine?" Apparently, my Mr. Big was not mine. He is a loyal guy - to the fault actually. So loyal, in fact, that when an exgirlfriend is in need of a good friend...he takes her to Miami, less than 24 hours after he and I returned from Florida. Is that normal? I didn't think so. Should I be upset? Yes. Should I forgive him? Not sure yet. I just know that I feel like Carrie did in the SATC movie when Big doesn't show up for the wedding and then she sees him in the street. All her friends are so upset with him for hurting her, yet again. Right now, my friends and family are circling up the wagons and putting up the defenses. He's not going to get into my heart anymore to hurt me. He had his chance to be the man that I thought he was. He ruined it.