Confusion

So...it's been awhile since I've blogged but it's mostly due to the fact that I haven't really had anything to blog about. I took a few weeks off from the bar scene and actually stayed at home on both Friday AND Saturday nights. This was good for a few reasons - first of all, when you're not at the bar with a guy by your side, a night out drinking costs a LOT more. And also...I'm learning to be alone, but more importantly - to be OKAY when I'm alone.

There has been something else running through my neurotic, slightly self-obsessed and very vain little brain lately. All through college and post college up until this point, I always had to be dating the IT guy. Maybe it started with the pressure from the sorority to date only the guys from the hottest fraternity, despite the fact that they were complete neaderthals or maybe I was trying to compensate for not ever feeling like I was considered pretty and "date-able" by the hot guys in middle and high school. Whatever the reason, I dated the beautiful men. The ones that should be on the cover of GQ although they didn't have two brain cells to rub together. Beautiful, but incredibly vapid. I always pictured myself marrying a beautiful man and having beautiful children living in a beautiful house driving beautiful cars and blah, blah, blah. Sadly, I was, well I still am, so concerned with what people from high school and college think of the guys that I date. I want them to see the pictures I post on myspace or facebook and think "Damn! She looks good - and look at her hot boyfriend." But, why do I have ANYTHING to prove to them? The people I truly care about don't care about the GQMP (GQ Model Potential) of a guy that I date. They just want to make sure that he treats me right and I'm happy in the relationship in general.

When I expressed this sentiment to my middle brother, Mike, who has always been the "screw 'em if they don't like it" kind of guy, he seemed relieved that I had finally come to this conclusion.

"Munchkin Butt (his affectionate nickname for me) you're finally growing up."

I personally think that it's more than just growing up. Everyone grows up because everyone has a birthday, but not everyone MATURES. And maybe that's the difference. Maybe I'm trying to mature in the type of people I date and the type of relationships that I form. I'm not looking for some amazingly beautiful guy that I can take out just to impress my friends. In truth, they'd be more impressed if he had a real job with a steady income and could hold a conversation at dinner.