Against my better judgment, I got involved in a relationship at the beginning of July. It was against my better judgment for several reasons:
- My 6 months wasn't over and I wasn't sure if I was REALLY ready to get involved with someone again.
- He was my best friend's ex boyfriend from high school.
But, I forged ahead because we had such a good time together - always laughing and making fun of stuff. We went to the lake - he taught me how to wakeboard and then took me to the emergency room when I tore the muscle in my back. We watched a lot of movies and looked forward to Sunday nights because of Rock Of Love on VH1. He made me laugh and made me feel funny, smart and like a good person. He is tall, smart, athletic and funny. He has a big truck with a boat and a sense of adventure and fun.
So...why am I not with him anymore you ask?
As always - it's the attack of the three month curse. I can't seem to date anyone past 3 months. My longest relationship is a year and a half. That was in college with David. Out of all the people that I have dated, my longest, most involved relationship was also the most dysfunctional. I have dated great, nice guys (Justin and now Greg) but for some reason I can't make it work. I am really beginning to think that there is something seriously wrong with me. It's almost a joke with other people in my life. I'm tired of getting all excited about a guy only to have my hopes dashed in three months. Or maybe, it's like my friend Kate told me - every relationship goes through that re-evaluating time at 3 months in the beginning. Maybe I just haven't found someone who is worth keeping around past those three months. Maybe I haven't found someone that is worth the work to keep them past three months. But I truly thought that he could be that person. I bent over backward to try to make him happy, but for some reason I never felt like I was doing anything right. And maybe that's a sign that we shouldn't be together. Or maybe I was just trying to keep it altogether because I don't want to hear the "I told you so" from my friend. Maybe I felt like I had sacrificed so much (a 10 year long friendship) that I couldn't bear to know that I ruined that friendship for a guy that only lasted 3 months.
I really liked him. Well, I guess it's not really past tense yet - I still DO like him but I don't think it's going to work out.
I need someone to feel passionate about me. I want someone to love me like my friends and family love me. Yes, sometimes I can be a little crazy and neurotic and maybe even needy - but they look past it and see that I'm funny, smart, creative and fiercly loyal. And just love me for that. Once again, I am left with the overwhelming and devastating feeling that there is simply SO unlovable about me that I will never find true love. I want that type of love that's in the movies. I want that "Notebook" romance - I don't do anything in my life halfway and I refuse to be in a relationship where I feel that I'm being treated and felt about only halfway.
I just want to be loved, but I don't think I'll ever meet someone who is capable of loving me in the way that I feel I need to be loved.
Maybe I'll just get a dog - they provide unconditional love, right?