I sent an email today that is going to get a reaction.....and not a good one. It is something that I have been meaning to send for a long time but never had the courage. I was full of fear and weak in spirit. I didn't have confidence in myself as a person, as a wife or as a mother. It is not full of anger or accusations, but it is full of my truth....OUR truth because the feelings expressed are shared and supported by my husband.
As I sit here at my computer anticipating the response, I am a bit nervous. There are butterflies in my stomach and I am a bit light headed. But I also am confident that the world will not collapse if I express my point of view. My marriage will not fall apart if I stand up for myself. Sure, there will be some awkwardness, some tears and some lashing out in response.
But I am strong because God knows my heart. He knows my struggles and he knows my pain. I've prayed to him many times over the past nine months for the courage, strength and wisdom to speak what is in my heart. I prayed as I wrote the email for the words and feelings in my heart to stay pure and not come from anger. But even having said that, I am not in control of how the email is interpreted. I understand that and I will dutifully read and try to comprehend the response that is sent. I will pray for the wisdom to look past the hurtful words and self-serving attitude and see the heart of the matter.
But whatever is sent back to me it will not change the strength and love in my marriage and it will not change the fierce love and attachment I have with my child. And as long as I have those two things in my life, I will survive.
This is a big deal for me. Huge. I hate confrontation. I hate people being upset with me. But I have a right to express how I feel and people have the right to either accept it or become angry and lash out. And you know what? I'm okay with either response. I'm not afraid to "get in trouble" because I am confident in the emotions and feelings that I (and Craig as well) have regarding this particular situation.
Things will be uncomfortable for awhile and that's okay. Life isn't always easy and it's not always comfortable. Eventually it will end. Everything in life comes in seasons. A very dark season of my life has ended and I'm not going to allow anyone to take away from the sunshine that I am experiencing.