The Seven Year Itch

The last few weeks of work and teaching has been by far the most difficult of my entire seven year career.

Tougher than juggling coaching, teaching 6th grade geography and 8th grade math without a true classroom of my own the first year I taught.

Tougher than dealing with hyper-helicopter parents that emailed me regarding a grade the minute I hit "save" in the online gradebook.

Tougher than leaving my friends and comfort zone when I switched schools because Craig and I were getting married.

Tougher than piecing together a volleyball program that the girls would be proud to be a part of.

Tougher than last fall when I had a volleyball game on Halloween and missed Natalie trick or treating as the most adorable zebra.

Nothing major happened to make it difficult....life in the school is just plugging away.  Lessons are created, written and put into action.  Students are taking notes, socializing with friends and forgetting to turn in homework.

But something in my soul is restless.  Frustrated.  Annoyed.

I couldn't put my finger on why I was losing my temper or having trouble finding academic inspiration for lessons and my students but then a co-worker said this to me after hearing my complaints - "but you're young, you can go do something else if you want; there is still time."

But I'm not and there isn't.

I've invested seven years of my life to the educational system in Texas and four and a half more than that if you count the years I spent studying to become a teacher.  I'm at the point where I'm too far in to even consider a career change.  And plus....what else am I qualified to do?  In what other career would I have the luxury of summer vacations and two weeks off at Christmas?  Craig and I had a child because we were settled down in our careers - going back to school isn't an option, both in terms of time management and finances.

So here I am.  Struggling to find inspiration.  Frustrated with what seems to be a smear campaign of the public education system by political figures.  Annoyed with students who don't seem to care as much as I do about their success in school or in the athletic arena.  Angry at parents who believe that the school I love so much isn't good enough for their child to attend.

Even writing this post is sapping me of energy.  It's being pieced together sentence by sentence, a little bit written here.....a little bit added over there.  Almost as if I'm trying to siphon out my feelings a tiny piece at a time or else the whole dam might burst and I will be a complete emotional mess sitting alone in my classroom.

Maybe I'm tired right now because I know what awaits me next year - a whole new path in my teaching career.  Or maybe this is a good thing - to become bored with the coaching regime so that I am better prepared to say good-bye to this part of my life when the end of the school year comes.

I guess I'm stuck in limbo.....the perpetual state of waiting - a purgatory of sorts.  Biding my time until the year ends and I start fresh next year with a whole new host of challenges and problems to conquer.  I've just never, EVER had to push myself this hard to be interested and excited about my job.

And now I sit here listening to "Awake My Soul" by Mumford & Sons and they're right.  I need my soul to be awakened and rejuvenated.  I need a change and a challenge.  I need something to kick me into gear so that I can approach my job with fresh eyes and an open heart.

This and That

I have roughly ten drafts sitting in my post folder right now.  It's not that I've been terribly busy lately....just relatively uninspired, I suppose.  

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About three weeks ago, Craig was officially diagnosed as a Type II Diabetic which I think isn't really as scary as it sounds.  He's already got a genetic disposition for it and then combine that with his penchant for unhealthy hamburgers and there you go.  It's upended our eating habits a bit - there are more fresh foods in our fridge and I haven't had pasta in three weeks but for the most part, we're surviving.  I got a Diabetic cookbook and have been working my way through the recipes, usually picking out three to make during the week for dinner and then leftovers.  We are still eating out about once or twice a week but Craig is sticking with fish and steamed veggies and so far he has dropped twelve pounds!

Meal planning is relatively easy for me because I've really made it a part of our weekly routine and I'm not afraid to try new stuff in the kitchen.  At the beginning of the school year I bought one of those big "floating" style frame where it's just clear glass and placed five big squares of paper inside, each labeled with a day of the week.  Every Sunday morning Craig and I sit down at the table and figure out when we'll be home to eat and what we would like to have for dinner.  Then from there I write down the specific ingredients I'll need to buy as well as what household and other food items we are almost out of.  Then we go grocery shopping and are generally set for the week.  It has really cut down on us eating out because there is fresh food in our fridge that HAS to be eaten.

And hopefully as a by-product of Craig HAVING to eat healthier and lose weight....maybe I will too?!

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Sunday night Natalie fought the good fight during bedtime.  Craig put her down in the crib around 8:30 and then we didn't really hear from her much after that....just a THUD from upstairs around 9:15 or so which we assumed was her plopping down and going to sleep.

Nope.

At 10:00 when Craig and I were crawling into bed, girlfriend was doing SOMERSAULTS back and forth in her crib.

And she continued her battle with sleep for the next thirty minutes....blankets were thrown out and her giraffe lovey was tossed around angrily while her feet pounded on the side of her crib.

It was a mixture of hilarity and frustration for me - just go the eff to sleep little darling!  Craig went back into battle around 10:30 and patted her back for awhile until she finally gave it up and passed out.

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This morning I was down in the kitchen putting together lunches while Natalie sat at the table eating Cheerios and blueberries.  She was babbling about what I was doing ("Momma lunch!  Momma bag!") while I puttered around bagging up chips, fruit and other lunchtime essentials.  

After I zipped my lunch bag closed and moved on to rinsing out her pink lunch box in order to fill it with her sandwich, goldfish and fruit, she straightened up at the table, raised her arms in the air and cheered "YAY MOMMA!!!" 

Smile.

She then followed this up by climbing down from her chair and sprinting across the kitchen to cling to my leg.  

Apparently she was super excited that I was allowing her to eat lunch today.  No problem my hungry little hippo.  If that's all I have to do to make you happy for the rest of your life....

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My lovely little town has been caught up in the drama of REZONING parts of our elementary schools in an effort to balance out the number of students at each middle school.  Craig's school has over 1,000 students with nine portable classrooms while my school is under 700 and we have the largest middle school building in the district.

Something needs to be done and as with anything....there isn't an easy answer.

But I do know that dividing the community into pieces and pitting one side of the road against the other isn't it.

In my little liberally-bleeding, do-gooder, actively-involved-citizen heart I KNOW that I should go to the public meetings and voice my opinion.....but I just don't have the energy.  

I know myself.  

This is a personal issue that I hold close to my chest and I don't want to put myself out there only to hear terrible things said about my school and the staff and children I love so much that fill the halls and classrooms.

So Craig and I are going to stay home tonight, cook a good dinner and play with an adorable little girl.

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Telling the girls...

Written on Thursday, January 17th......

Yesterday I told my seventh grade athletes about the big change.

There was a great big group hug and LOTS of tears.  Many more than I expected.

But enough to make me question myself and say "is this REALLY what I want to be doing?"

I held it together and tried to make my decision make sense to a group of teenagers who generally have no concept of doing what is best for other people.

They just know that I'm their "favorite" coach (on any given day....these are teenagers we're talking about) and they don't want me to leave.  They don't understand the conflict of motherhood, work and my desire to slow down life while soaking up my daughter's childhood.

Right now they sit in front of me coloring, listening to music, playing games and posting selfies to Instagram.  It's an exam day and I'm letting them relax.

Perhaps this is why I am their "favorite."

But in all seriousness, I told them about my prayers over the past few years.  I never bring up faith, God and spirituality with my girls because it's personal and I just don't feel comfortable injecting that into my coaching spiel.  Today though I put it out there so that they would have a greater understanding of where my heart is and why I made this decision.

I talked about my prayers for a new position but how when it didn't happen, I accepted the place God needed me to be in.  I told them how I put it in His hands and did His will until a new opportunity was presented to me.  I spoke of how heavy my heart has been for the past two weeks, carrying this knowledge around with me while they high five me in the hall and we joke in the locker room.

My voice cracked and I fought back tears while trying to help twelve-year-old children understand the very complicated issues of motherhood, career and finding the delicate balance between all of life's responsibilities and passions.  I wanted them to understand that this was both the easiest and most difficult decision that I have made in a very long time.  I wanted them to realize the impact they (and the six years of girls before them) as my athletes and students have had on my heart.  They taught me about motherhood before I gave birth.  They showed me how I can be compassionate, give grace and provide guidance without stifling individual freedom.

Making this change is infinitely harder than I ever expected it to be.

The Force

Last night at Book Club a woman who I've known through teaching and social events around town mentioned how much she loves seeing Natalie pictures and stories on my Facebook feed.

"Thank you," I replied.  "She really is starting to get fun."

And then she said something that made me stop.

"You can just tell that she is a force.  Just a FORCE.  But with you and Craig as her parents, I expect nothing less."

A force.  May the force be with you.  A force to be reckoned with.

FORCE:
- The capacity to do work or cause physical change; energy, strength, or active power
- A person or group capable of influential action
- A capacity for affecting the mind or behavior; efficacy....and one that possesses such capacity

Yes.  I want my daughter to be a force.  I want her to be a leader, to fight for what is right and to change people's perception of the world.  Whether that is on a national stage or just within her local community....I want her to be a force for what is good, right and just.  But I want her to do all that with passion, COMpassion, grace and dignity.

I want her to be so much greater than me.  Stronger, braver and more confident.  I want to raise her in such a way that when she goes to college, it's more like I'm freeing her so that she can go and conquer the world.

Bread Crumbs

It's the little things.....

........being wait-listed at A&M and making the choice to attend UNT........

........the change from early education to mid-level education........

........student teaching in my current district and at my former school........

........having lunch everyday with a coach who was on her way out........

........the tragic circumstances of Craig's father's death and his subsequent move home........

........being placed in the same coaching office........

All along this path, I questioned and yelled at God.  I was angry because I saw (what felt like) ALL my friends pairing off, finding love and starting their happily ever after.  

But God was like Gretel....placing little bread crumbs along the path and even though I didn't quite understand the path, I followed along unsuspecting of who was REALLY in charge all the while hoping to find my fairy tale ending.

For the past few years as I have looked to get out of coaching and while Craig and I have debated the "second child" conundrum, I found myself once again following along that path of bread crumbs but this time I was ready and willing.

People kept asking me if I was disappointed or upset when a door would close on a certain opportunity to get out of coaching.  And when I answered that I wasn't because I had faith the right position would come along, they seemed surprised.

But it was the truth.

Whether it was true faith in God's plan, or my own personal survival instincts, I had to believe that I was kept in the coaching arena for a certain amount of time because that's where God needed me.  For whatever reason, I was supposed to be here and coaching these specific girls and putting my desire for a second child on hold for the time being.  

And now it's time to move on.  I feel it in my gut.  This is the right decision for me, for my family, the athletes and the school.

God kept me here and told my heart to be still.  And so I put it in His hands and waited patiently....repeating the mantra that whatever will be....WILL BE.  I was going to be teaching wherever He felt my gifts were most needed....and apparently it is time for those gifts to leave the athletic arena and re-enter the classroom.

I cried when my principal offered me this position because I saw the pieces of God's plan coming together right in front of my eyes.

Taco Soup

Today I'm linking up with Kelly's Korner to share some soup recipes.  

Even though I live in Texas and could conceivably wear flip-flops for at least ten months out of the year without looking strange....it does sometimes get cold enough to warrant a hot bowl of soup.  

You know....when it hits 50 degrees or so.

But in all honesty, my family's favorite soup is definitely Taco Soup and I love it because it is easy, filling and makes for some great leftovers.

If you Pinterest "taco soup" there are all sorts of crock-pot versions but if you are like me, I'm lucky to leave the house having finished off a full cup of coffee let alone preparing a crock-pot for dinner.

TACO SOUP

1 lb. lean ground beef (or turkey)

1 onion, choped

1 pkg taco seasonings 

1 pkg dry Ranch seasonings

2 large cans diced tomatoes, undrained

1 can Rotel tomatoes (medium), undrained

1 can black beans

1 can pinto beans

1 can whole kernel corn

Brown meat and onion.  Drain and add seasonings.  Let simmer for awhile until meat is fully coated and seasonings are absorbed.

Drain beans and corn, combine with tomatoes in a large pot and simmer while the meat is finishing up.

Once meat is ready, pour into large pot and stir well to combine all ingredients.  

I usually let everything simmer together for a good ten minutes while the cornbread is cooking.  We top it with cheese and sour cream....and for a little bit thicker soup I toss some cornbread into my bowl.  I shared this recipe with a friend and he actually drained the tomatoes and made it less of a soup and more of a tortilla filling, which could be good option for leftovers as well!

Moving On...

As of June 6th and if the current circumstances remain, my coaching career will cease to exist.

Next year I will forge ahead as a full-time 8th grade Math and Algebra teacher, my days filled with lessons, reviews, tests, tutoring and grading papers.  

This means no more early morning practices, late night games and weekend tournaments.

In general....this is a good thing.

I think.

I mean, when I graduated college coaching middle school volleyball was probably the furthest thing from my mind.  I was going to be a MATH TEACHER and that was that.  But the universe led me in a completely different direction and I found myself coaching middle school volleyball and cross country for what has ended up being the past seven years.  And for the most part, it has suited me well - I stayed involved in the age of athletics (middle school) that I loved the most, I got to mentor girls and hopefully helped them become strong young women.....and I even won a few championships along the way.

My life has been divided into sporting seasons since I was in third grade - the first year my parents signed me up for the city basketball league after a year of gymnastics didn't pan out.  Four years of city league led to three years of A team middle school ball and then finally onto the Varsity team in high school.  I headed up the intramurals athletics teams in my college sorority which culminated with a flag football league victory my senior year.  And then I moved on from playing to coaching....

But what now?

I always joke with my co-workers that sometimes I really get tired of hearing my name.

"Coach!  Look at this!"

"Hey Coach?  What time are we leaving?"

"I don't know what to do Coach!?"

"Coach, I need to call my mom!  I forgot my jersey!"

"Can I go to the bathroom, Coach?"

"Coach, do you like unicorns or narwhals better?" 

(Yes.  An ACTUAL question from an ACTUAL athlete.)

There might have even been a time when I told my volleyball players that the next person to say my name had to do ten push-ups because I was THAT tired of hearing my name attached to a question.

Coach.....Coach.....Coach.

If I'm not COACH, am I now going to be a MRS.?  Yikes.

I think the title change is scarier than the actual JOB switch.

Things will be different.  Life will different.  I will have the luxury of leaving school if Natalie has a doctor's appointment, if there are errands that must be ran....or if I am flat out tired and ready to go home.

So why am I sitting here with tears in my eyes?  This is what I have wanted for several years - my principal coming into my room and presenting me with this opportunity was a the big signal from God as to where my life should be heading.  A slowed down life, spending time with Natalie and the even possibility of having a second child.

Yes.  Another baby.....not now, but sometime in the next year.

I had more or less resigned myself to the idea of Natalie being an only child because I didn't see an end to my coaching career given the economic and employment atmosphere in my district.  But this opportunity has presented itself and with Craig voicing his desire for a second child....I'm allowing myself to become excited, nervous and even a little starry-eyed about this next step in our life.

But back to those tears in my eyes.  I love coaching in the sense of....I love seeing the girls work hard, improve and then that MOMENT when it all clicks for them and they are successful.  I love the close relationships that I form from hours spent in gyms, locker rooms and on a bus together.  Those are the moments that I'm going to miss and those are the memories that I'm going to cherish forever.

I haven't told my girls yet and I am dreading the day when they find out.  The 8th graders will be sad....but they will be moving onto the high school shortly.  It's the 7th graders I worry about.  I don't want them to feel like I am abandoning them....like coaching them just wasn't good enough for me.

Because coaching them WAS good enough for me....until it just wasn't.

And this little curly headed girl is definitely a good enough reason to say good-bye.