I'm Still Alive

It's been awhile since I've been on here.  Christmas break has been happening and it's been an interesting mix of pure magic and indescribable joy while watching Natalie soak up the traditions of the holiday season, but also incredibly frustrating with bouts of anxiety and anger tossed in there as well.

And it's really only been a week and a few days.

There's a lot floating around in my brain regarding the requisite "old year vs. new year" stuff along with a general update on the growth and development of the littlest member of our family.

But that's all for another day.

Right now I am seated on the creamy shag bathroom rug in front of the bathtub whose ledge is full of hair ties, bows and brushes so that Natalie can play with "Momma hair."

It's my own personal hair salon.......try to contain your jealousy.

Last night she packed all the essentials (cell phone, sunglasses, keys and Sesame Street music player) into her handmade Beatles purse and took her babies for a stroll around the house.

This also occurred.

Who is she talking to? Always her Nonna.

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Down the Tube

Friday morning started with the alarm going off at 5:30 so that Craig and I could Natalie up to the children's surgery center by 6:20 for her tubes to be inserted into her ears.

And did you know that in my little town, there is still a line at Starbucks at 5:55 in the morning?!

And did you also know that there are people in this world that are completely made up with high heel boots, make-up and curled hair at 6:20?!

Regardless...we had a pretty uneventful morning.  I suppose things went according to plan - we checked in, were admitted, she drank her goofy juice and off she went.  The procedure took less than ten minutes and she was back in our arms and ANGRY.  And wanting ONLY Daddy and definitely NOT Momma

Reading FOX in the waiting room before the procedure.....in her new Santa pajamas.

Friday night was rough - the antibiotic ear drops that are required for the next few days burn her ears and she has a hard time calming down from receiving them.  She wasn't asleep in bed for much more than an hour before she was up and crying in her crib for "Dada."  I figured it was the start of a pattern so I just pulled her into bed with me and I slept on six inches of the mattress while she had the rest of our king size bed. Ajax taking good care of his patient. And now on Sunday afternoon she is more or less back to normal.  Still not a big fan of the ear drops, but she is running around the house, eating big meals and not crying over the littlest of frustrations. And she slept through the night last night.   Here's to hoping it continues.

Dodgeball

There's a reason I love my job.

I get to put on a bandanna and matching team shirt and play dodgeball like a boss.

When you wear the same shirt as your bestie you gotta bust out the duck face and peace signs bro.

Today was my "Friday" because tomorrow we are at the hospital getting tubes for Natalie. 

Today I lovingly annihilated punk 8th grade boys with dodgeballs and high-fived my girls after we routed the other team. 

I got to show my co-workers the value coaches can have in a child's life.

Today was a good day.

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I'm sorry I'm not sorry

Last Thursday was just a tough day.

Something stupid set me off because it was a reminder of so many other times when boundaries have been crossed and disrespected.

I'm not perfect in any sense of the word.

I know that I have a temper.

I wield words like a shield and sword, putting up a defense while simultaneously aiming for the jugular.

Perhaps it comes from being the youngest of two brothers growing up - I knew that I was no match for them physically so I had to find a different kind of weapon.

Regardless of the reason or the source....when I purposely use my words to inflict pain and suffering, it's simply not right.

It would be easier to brush off my hurtful remarks and apologize if I truly said them in the heat of the moment and that they didn't come from my heart.

But I don't feel sorry because I meant what I said, it came from straight from my heart.....and I think that is what scares me the most.

I am capable of loving so deeply and whole-heartedly. I give selflessly to Craig, Natalie, friends, students and my family. But on this subject and with these people I am hardened and unforgiving.

A friend of mine used to joke about my love of justice, which stems from my strong sense of right and wrong.  And although it was a "joke," as with any teasing, there was some semblance of truth in her statement.

I might not *love* justice, but I do hold grudges.  I do struggle with unencumbered forgiveness.  If I am going to truly forgive someone I want an apology first.  I want the offending party to understand what they have done wrong and then to acknowledge it to me.

How self-righteous I am.  How self-important I feel.

Ugh.  How ugly this characteristic of mine seems when printed in black and white.

Who I am to believe that I am a true judge of other people's flaws, mistakes or intentions?

I need to learn to forgive like God forgives.

God is still GOOD

Where do you start praying after a day like today?

For the families who suffered a loss so great that there isn't a word to define a parent who has grieved a child?

For the children whose nights will be filled with dreams of gunshots and fallen classmates?

Or perhaps for the men who have the job of entering that classroom and picking up the littlest of bodies?

Maybe a prayer for the new principal and teachers who will continue on at the school while fighting the horror that will surely permeate the mind, heart and soul of all who enter?

I just don't know where to begin and how to get the words just right.....because there is so much to pray for.

But I do know this.

God is still GOOD and RIGHTEOUS.

It pains me to read commentary reflecting on an apparently "obvious" absence of God when this maniac fought his way into an elementary school and murdered a classroom full of first graders.

"Where was God?"

"Why didn't He stop this from happening?"

From my years of religious education.....human beings are not puppets.  We have been given a body, brain and soul to use here on Earth in addition to free will AND the Bible.  I have the choice to follow the word of God or to engage in sinful behavior.

God never said that life here on Earth would be free from unspeakable tragedy or heart-wrenching pain and suffering.  In fact, he pretty much assures us that just by the very nature of being human there is no doubt that we WILL encounter those things but then in the same breath He reminds us that through all the bad, He is still GOOD.

My faith has not been shaken.  My belief is still strong.

On Friday night I hugged my baby girl on the couch and sobbed for those mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers who will spend the rest of their lives with a piece of their family puzzle missing.  The first responders who had to uncover the carnage and the children who ran fearfully from their school building.  The family of the shooter because their grief is the loneliest of all.

God is still GOOD and RIGHTEOUS.  Humans are fallible and sinful.

The horrific events that unfolded on Friday were an act of an evil human, not of a vengeful or spiteful God.

Daybooking

Tuesday, December 11th - 2:18 pm

Outside my window.....winter has finally arrived and it is chilly with a bright blue sky.  

I am thinking.....of Christmas break and all the rest and relaxation that my family so desperately needs.

I am thankful.....that we have a date on our calendar for Natalie's tubes to be put in her ears which will hopefully clear up all the infections and cranky nights we've had over the past year.

In the kitchen.....last night I whipped up a quick taco dinner because Craig had basketball games and tonight is Poppyseed Chicken which is terrible for the waistline but amazing for the soul.

I am wearing.....black Nike windpants, a Team Texas hoodie and my Aggie Cotton Bowl shirt.

I am creating.....the rest of my Christmas list. I have one more gift left to get for Craig and none for Natalie BUT I have nothing for my parents and friends.

I am going.....to try and get a full night sleep with Natalie at my mother-in-law's house.

I am wondering.....how to get of my mind-numbing migraines.

I am reading.....lots of information on Sam Houston and Mirabeau Lamar in preparation for a Texas Presidential Debate in my class this week!

I am hoping.....all my hopes right now are centered around the health of my family - Craig, myself and Natalie. This includes our physical, mental and emotional well being.

I am looking forward to.....a fun get together with a friend and her daughter Saturday afternoon.

I am learning.....patience.

Around the house.....laundry. Always laundry.

I am pondering.....what my next step should be career-wise.  There might be the possibility for me to get out of coaching at the end of the school year which would be great for our family planning.....but my 8th grade volleyball players will be GOOD next year.  I have several girls that are playing club outside of school and I could definitely put together a very talented little team.  Whatever will be, will be though.  It's not really in my hands - God will move me out of coaching and into full time teaching when he sees fit.

One of my favorite things.....seeing my family devour the yummy Poppyseed Chicken I cooked last night.

A few plans for the rest of the week:  Cross Country meet this afternoon (brr!), Craig's basketball games tomorrow night, 8th grade basketball tournament Friday and Saturday and a little Christmas get together with a dear friend and her daughter on Saturday afternoon.

A peek into my day.....this is what Natalie was wearing yesterday to Craig's basketball games.

When did she become such a big little girl?

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"Ear" We Are...

There is an epidemic of pregnancy hitting my Facebook feed. It's attacking with more fury than "wedding fever," which of course makes it harder to resist.

It looks like so much fun...charting how big the baby is getting and taking belly pictures every week. I should get on the bandwagon and give Natalie a sibling, right?!

Nope.

Not after the last four weeks.

Craig and I have not slept through the night since before Thanksgiving.

Things are getting desperate up in here y'all.

I know, I know. I've had a newborn on the every three hours feeding schedule. This nighttime song and dance should be old hat by now.

But the thing is...we've come so damn far from her newborn days. September and October were filled with full nights and late mornings. I could stay up and watch Jon Stewart and not go to sleep with a sense of dread filling up my body because I KNOW that I will be up in just a few short hours. It's almost like we've tasted the parental promise land but now we have been shoved back into exhaustion exile.

Help is hopefully on the way though.

Natalie has an appointment with a pediatric ENT in the morning. The little miss has the propensity for ear infections and we have been battling the same one for close to a full month. After a few rounds with that antibiotic and this antibiotic we are looking at the long-term solution of getting tubes in her ears.

According to others, I should be a nervous wreck because it's SURGERY and ANESTHESIA and it's my BABY.

But I'm not nervous or scared or even very worried.

Because quite frankly, I just want to sleep.

And I trust doctors, modern medicine and above all....I trust in God. Freaking out will not do me or Natalie any good. She takes her social cues from me and Craig, so if I act like it ain't no big thang, she will hopefully stay calm and be brave.

Wish us luck!

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