Wasted Energy

I've spent my life wasting energy on being angry. Angry at the kids who tormented me for being tall in elementary school, angry at my mother for not being what I thought I wanted her to be in middle school, angry at God for making me the way I am, angry at the superficial girls in my sorority for making me feel less than them because I didn't have the right clothes, boyfriend or car, angry at David for leaving my life in such shambles, angry at so many guys for tossing me aside.....but mostly, I've always been angry at myself for everything I am and everything that I'm not.

I have spent a lot of time moving forward along in life, but yet at the same time, looking back at events in my life and how they have created the person I am today. Retrospection can be a good thing - learning from past mistakes, such as bad haircuts, too much alcohol on an empty somach and not studying for tests. But blaming the way I am on things that have happenend in my past? I can't blame my insecurities on other people any more.

I've been angry at myself for not being "perfect." For not always knowing exactly what to say, when to say it and how to deliver it without stepping on any toes. For not always looking perfectly put together. For not having this adult life totally figured out. For not keeping everyone around me happy with me. An entire doctorate thesis could probably be writeen on my self-anger. But what has it led to? At certain points in my life it has shown itself in the form of self destructive behaviors like drinking excessively. At others it surfaced as devastating anxiety attacks. Most recently it was a deep and debilitating bout with eating disorders. Were any of these healthy? Obviously not. So therefore, one could logically conclude that the self-anger isn't working out for me anymore. Well, it was never really working out for me, but it has definitely taken a turn for the worse recently.

It's time for a new life plan - a mental adjustment you might say.

I can't be angry at myself for any of those things anymore. The only thing that I can be angry about is that I haven't noticed this sooner, which is again - counterproductive.

I've doubted myself every step of the way - was I wearing the right clothes, did I say the right thing, am I making the right choice? I always looked to other people for the answers because I never trusted myself enought to come to the right conclusion. And, if things didn't work out the way they were supposed to, I didn't have to take any of the blame - I could just pass the buck on to someone else's poor decision making. But why shouldn't I trust myself? Look at my parents - they are responsible, well adjusted adults. They have provided me with more than enough tools to become a functioning adult on my own. But more than a functioning adult (anyone can pay the bills on time) but an acutal functioning human that learns to adequately cope with day to day events.

Life is short. At the end of a person's life, they don't look back and regret not staying angry at themselves or other people for longer amounts of time.

This anger takes up so much of my time and energy. And it's pushing people away.

I remember the moment when I woke up one morning and I was tired of being angry at David. I realized that he wasn't a part of my life anymore and therefore blaming him for me having a crappy Tuesday afternoon wasn't working. I refused to give him anymore power over my feelings.

Therefore, today I am refusing to give the power to that little voice inside my head that tells me I'm not good enough because I'm not perfect. I was made exactly the way God intended me to be.

I must come to reconcile the fact that I'm going to make mistakes. People will get angry with me. I will have to deal with the consequenes of bad decision making. I can't go through life desperately trying to tip toe around anything and everything that might cause me failure. In my head, I always was of the notion that failure wasn't an option. Growing up as an athlete, it was a phrase ingrained into my head. Of course failure isn't an option, because if it was, everyone would obviously choose success. Failure is an inevitbale event. It will happen in my life and I can't keep avoiding situations in which I could possibly fail. If I do that, nothing exceptional will ever happen. I will never have the life I truly want; more importantly, I will never have the love that I desire.

I have been so decided determine din my life not to screw up in relationships, that I think I actually end up being my own worst enemy because I lose who I am by turning myself into a pretzel trying to be the "perfect" girlfriend. And now I think I might have someone in my life who sees me not through rose-colored glasses, but with a clear view of who I am and what I'm about. And my own insecurities are getting in the way of allowing him to love me in his own unique manner. As much as I realize that I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be, I must come to the logical conclusion that he is not perfect either, nor should I expect him to be. He will make me mad sometimes. And I will most certainly piss him off as well. Is this the end of the world? It shouldn't be. I should have the confidence that I'm a pretty spectacular person and even though he might not want to be around me because of his frustration, that in no certain terms mean that he's throwing me away. I guess I have to trust him and trust his feelings for me. But at the same time, that pesky self-anger issue sneaks up again. In retrospect, I look at how I behaved and I agree with him - he should be angry at me, which in turn makes me angry at myself for my actions. Then the evil self-deprecating cycle begins and before you know it, I am in a very bad and dark place.

So what's a girl to do? How exactly does on banish that nasty little voice in her head? Grab an old priest and a young priest and hope one doesn't end up head first down the stairs? I think the voice will respond best a big fat dose of "SHUT THE HELL UP."

What's Love Got To Do With It?

All throught this blog, which has spanned the course of one year of my life, I have discussed my relationships and issues with men. I've talked about what I want in a man, the trouble I had finding one that matches my needs and wants, and I have touched upon my stormy past with certain young men. But never once have I truly broached the subject of love.

There have been great sonnets and renowned literature written about love. If not for the concept of love, Hollywood and the music industry would not have made millions. Real people have lived for love and died from it. The word is tossed around so carelessly in our culture. "I love that shirt!" "Have you heard the new Madonna song? I totally love it!" (Yes, I have heard it. And yes, I totally love it.)

But what does love truly mean and what form will it take in my life? What form do I want it to take? What do I expect when I hear those words or feel that emotion from someone?

I suppose each individual's first impression of love is that of their own parent's relationship. I got lucky. My parents were college sweethearts and were married after only nine months of courtship. They are currently approaching their 40th wedding anniversary. When asked how they got married so quickly, my mom just answers "I just knew." I can't decide if I like a hair color enough to keep it for nine months, much less the rest of my life...

I want a marriage like my parents': supportive, understanding, compassionate, passionate and stable.

My parent's relationship reminds me of that story of the two swans on the farm. A grandfather is telling his grandson about how swans mate for life. One day, the female swan is found dead in the pond and the male swan is visibly upset. The grandson says that the male will find someone else - he'll be okay. The gradnfather predicts that the male swan will soon die from grief over his partner. A few days later, the male swan is found dead in the same spot as the female swan. Soon after, the grandmother passes away, followed a few months later by the grandfather. My parents are like that. It's not that they physically can't live without each other in some sick, addictive, co-dependent relationship...it's that they don't WANT to live without the other one.

Their love has transcended the passionate infatuation and graduated to this state of complete connectedness and partnership. They aren't just a married couple - they're best friends. I want to marry someone who is my best friend because one day the initial passion will face and I will have to have something left over. Unfortunately...statutes set by the state of Texas and because she ran off with a Mexican sailor...I can't marry my best friend Amy. Just kidding. But weirdly enough...she did marry someone exactly my height and with a similar personality. :)

Have I ever been in love? I've been infatuated. I've been filled to the brim with lust. I've been co-dependent. I've worn the blinders. But the type of love that my parent's have? Even the prospect of that love? Nope. Never even close.

I know that someday I will have that love. Will it happen like in my favorite love indulgences The Notebook, Love Actually or Gone With The Wind? Will I be awoken by my true love's kiss after biting a poisoned apple? Will I get a letter from God telling me the plans he has for meeting my true love? Probably not. But I have faith. I will have that love in my life eventually because I want it. And I always get what I want.

I know what I do have though. I have a best friend. A drinking and watching sports buddy. An "I'm having a horrible day and need a hug" support system. A conversation-just-by-a-look psychic partner.

I have seen this person at his absolute worst and it terrified me. It was so frustrating - being able to so clearly see all the amazing things I loved about him; the reasons I was his friend. But he couldn't see it for himself. Because I was his friend, I didn't fix him...for once...I allowed him the space and time he needed to do it for himself. Like I told him "I will support you 110% as long as you're doing something positive to change you life." And he has come through a completely amazing person - which is even more reason for me to be proud of him and love him. He supported me through a devastatingly depressing time in my own life through which I was repeatedly hurting both myself and the people around me. But he didn't abandon me despite my constant pushing away. I hated myself so much and I didn't want anyone in my life to be a part of it. But he was persistant. He loved me when I couldn't love myself.

But everything about our friendship hasn't been doom and gloom. We've laughed at inane and ridiculous things, we've celebrated each others victories and talked shit about our defeats. We've high fived at Mav's games and grumbled about the Cowboys' playoff loss.

Our friendship hasn't reached the point when I could say that I know everything about him - because even my mother quotes that she doesn't know all of the recesses of my father's mind. But, I can anticipate what he is and isn't going to say, how he will feel about something and most importantly...I know when to just walk away and let him be.

I once asked him "What do you like about me?" And he, being the enormous wordsmith that he isn't, just shrugged his shoulders and said "I just like who you are." At first I was completely frustrated with his lack of response. I delve into topics, entirely dissceting it to the nth degree. I could be that person writing the sonnet about what I like about him becasue I am never at a lack for words. How his eyes twinkle when he knows he did or said something that made me laugh. His total and unwavering loyalty to the people he cares about in his life. The way he truly doesn't care about what people think of him. The list could go on.. But he just summed it up in six words for me. I pressed for more specific information, but there was none forthcoming. I had to be content with what he said. So, after chewing on the words for awhile, I came to a conclusion: I am who I am and he likes that. It's that simple. I don't have to put on pretenses about who I am. I don't have to change myself in order to be more appeasing to him. I just have to be myself. Which has proved repeatedly to be one of the more challenging tasks in my life. He has provided me with a reason to be okay with myself - he accepts my slight craziness, my occasional outburst, all of it. He wipes away the previous notion that I held about being completely unlovable. Sure, I know there are things about me that he gets frustrated with - I have a hard time making decisions at times, I overreact about small issues and stress myself out, you know - I act like a girl sometimes. He just takes it all in and rolls with it.

But, is this love? I can look in his eyes and be moved. I am comforted by his presence. I am so filled with contentment at the sight of his personal happiness. I worry about him overworking himself. We can sit in silence together and it's not awkward.

I don't know if it's that lifetime love, but I know that he's my best friend and I don't want to not have him around in my life.

Graduation doesn't mean education...

The WE network on television (yes I do watch it...even better - I ENJOY it!) has an interesting show on Monday nights called High School Confidential which chronicles the lives of several teenage girls throughout the four years of high school. In watching this show, I am in somewhat of a purgatorial position. Although I graduated high school almost 7 years ago, I don't feel much older than I did at 18 when I graduated. In some ways, I feel much younger. Graduating high school, I felt on top of the world. I had completed my mandatory 12 years of public education. Technically, I had learned everything the state felt was necessary to produce a functioning human being, and I did it quite well; graduating with honors while escaping minimal reputation tarnsh and with a fair amount of trust and respect from my parents. I had everything figured out - relationships, finances, friendships, religion and politics...nothing was going to change. I was ready to take on the world and I had every confidence that my life was going to be charmed and special.

I was a tad bit naive.

The premise of the show is to follow these girls throughout their high school years and document the different experiences the girls have navigating a large high school, which is eerily similar to the one I attended. There are some girls on the show that I would have been friends with - the girls that were involved and moderately popular in school, but struggled with the battle of good and poor life decisions. There are some girls on the show that, unfortunately, I would never have known existed in my school. Looking through my senior yearbook at all the names and faces that are utterly unrecognizable are a testament to this fact.

I entered the 10th grade with the facade of a hopeless gooy-two-shoes involved in every activity and a head full of possibilities. I graduated my senior year a little bit more cynical and a lot more cautious. In the years that have followed, I have realized that while everyone might grow older, not everyone truly matures. And maturity means a significant more than suppressing giggles during sex scenes and being able to sufficiently hold your liquor.

How have I changed since high school? And have these changes produced a mature adult?

I guess I'll have to start with my definition of an "adult."

Being an adult means...
- resisiting the urge to audition for the Real World because you realize these kids stay up way past your bedtime.
- flipping past the Top 40 and hip hop radio stations because as an evolving woman and human being "apple bottom jeans and boots with the fur" are no longer an acceptable part of my wardrobe.
- finally understanding what my parents meant when they said "nothing good ever happens after midnight." Except for Conan O'Brien of course.

In all honesty, when I graduated high school I defined "adulthood" as having a real job and paying bills...on time. Adulthood isn't a checklist you can evaluate a year after graduating high school or college. It's not a gold starred diploma that arrives in the mail once you've secured your first IRA. You won't find a clause on your marriage or child's birth certificate stating that in signing these papers you have earned the title of "ADULT."

So, am I an adult yet? Well, I've certainly grown in the seven years since I graduated high school. I redefined what I need and want in friendships. I don't have nearly the circle of friends I had in high school and college, but yet the few people that are in my Circle of Trust are incredibly supportive and fulfilling relationships. I am slowly learning that a person's worth cannot be measured by the amount of clothes in a closet, but instead by the positive impact made on the surrounding environment and people. I know now that life isn't a competition to win at EVERYTHING...because that person who is always stressed about being the best and having everything first will most likely reach the ultimate finish line earliest...and have nothing memorable to show for it. I am learning to see the forest and not the individual trees. I am learning that I am my own person and I must live my life to make only myself happy. If I am confident that I am making the best life decision for myself, then that's all that matters.

And yes, I have also learned to pay the bills on time.

Blank Horizon

I have always had a plan.

- Go to college. Check.
- Graduate with honors. Check.
- Get job at great school. Check.
- Buy new car and live on my own. Check.
- Be New Teacher of the Year. Almost check. I got close enough.
- Travel through Europe. Check.

I always knew what came next. It was always about the next adventure - whether it was graduating high school and going on to college. Or graduating college and getting a job. I was always obsessed with getting to that next level and doing it better than anyone else.

Well, I'm here. I'm in my second full year of teaching. I've got the job, I've got the accolades (new teacher of the year nomination and district championship), I've got the totally decorated apartment, I've got the decked out car, I've got the wardrobe full of clothes and shoes. And now that I've accomplished all my goals I think I'm bored. I don't have a new challenge on the horizon and it's frustrating. I am a competitive, ambitious and driven person. I don't know how to operate without climbing to the top of some new goal in my life.

But for all the good that attributes like being ambitious can be in one's life, why do I feel like I continually have to prove something? Why can't I just sit back, bask in the fact that I've accomplished so much at 24 and relax for a bit? What demons am I running from that I feel I always have to be accomplishing something in order to be a worthwhile human being?

New Year's Eve

I'm not a big fan of New Year's Eves. I think that most of the time there is a big build up to the big night which never turns out as fantastically or fabulously as previously desired or thought. That's why, this year, I am going to have a low key night out with my friends Kate and Karl. They're one of my favorite married couples who I have spent countless Saturday nights recently drinking on the couches at The Flying Saucer contemplating and discussing the important things in life - like Kate being a "meddler," poor decision making between members of a wedding party, as well as how I really need to find a man in order to have a child at the same time as Kate (which is in approximately 3.5 years).

Anyways. You can currently turn on any channel and there will be some sort of year end countdown, my personal favorite being VH1's The Best Year Ever. I'll do my own personal countdown of highlights and things I'd rather forget.

Highlights:
1. Planning and going on my EuroTrip. It really taught me to rely on myself and my instincts. Plus, the beer was really good.
2. Learning to wakeboard. Finally - something physically challenging combined with a chance to drink beer and get a tan all at the same time!
3. My 24th birthday party at the Aqua Lounge. Even though it put me back 650 dollars, it was definitely worth it to feel like one of those girls on My Super Sweet Sixteen for a night.
4. Jennifer and Zach's wedding in North Carolina. A getaway weekend spent in a beautiful part of the country rekindling friendships with people that I have missed very much for too long.
5. Being nominated and a finalist for my school district's New Teacher of the Year. I didn't win, so maybe this should be something that I'd rather forget, but I"m going to go ahead and put it on this list. After all, it's been more than 6 months since I lost the title - it's time to move on.
6. My brother coming home from Maine for a weekend. He stopped by my apartment and got to see his grown-up little sister.
7. Winning the district volleyball championship with the Feister (her nickname now). We make a great coaching team because our personalities compliment each other and we're very good friends. I'm really blessed with the people that I work with.
8. Buying brand new couches for my apartment, even though they won't be in until January 16th and I ordered them before Thanksgiving. Ugh. Oh well. I have worked hard in the past year to really make my apartment into more of a home than just a building that I live in. The couches are the final touch.
9. Kate moving back to Texas. She and I haven't lived in the same area since we were in 4th grade, but since she's moved back, it's like she never left in the first place!
10. This blog. It started off as a little joke and a semi-experiment and it's really turned into a way for me to get things off my chest as well as forced me to examine the relationship patterns in my life. I'm not sure if it has helped change anything....but there's always next year!

Things I'd Rather Forget:
1. All the random and worthless guys I dated or hung out with at the beginning of the year, which ultimately forced me to begin this blog.
2. The morning after Kate and Karl's wedding - pain pills and wine do NOT mix well!!!
3. The $650 I actually did have to pay Travis in cash for my portion of our birthday party bill.
4. Thanksgiving Break. It wasn't a good week for me personally and I made the holiday miserable for my family.
5. Tearing a muscle in my back wakeboarding. Not only did it put me out of service physically for a month, but it was the beginning of me seeing the very ugly and self-absorbed side of The Salesman.
6. On that note, let's discuss The Salesman in general. Was it a bad idea to date him? Eh...I'm not sure I would go that far. Was it a bad idea to date him sooo quickly? Probably. Did it end the 10 year friendship I had with his high school girlfriend and best friend of mine? Yes, it did. And to tell you the truth, I'm really not sure if that was such a bad thing after all. At the time, I was devastated - I truly didn't want to hurt her. But now, looking back, maybe there were things about our friendship that really bothered me and made me feel bad about myself. And if it took that whole episode with The Salesman to get our honest and true feelings towards each other out in the open, then so be it.

I guess that's it for the Things I'd Like To Forget. Only 6 items. Not too shabby. I guess it wasn't that bad of a year after all.

And I do feel like I'm in a place in my life to make 2008 even better. Happy New Year everyone!!!

I haven't blogged in awhile because things have been kind of rough since Thanksgiving and as much as I have put myself out there on this blog, I feel like there are still some things that I can't have posted for everyone to read and know about. I think that maybe if I were to write what I've been struggling with on this blog, it would all of a sudden make everything real and I'm not sure if I'm ready to admit some very obvious truths to myself. And to a certain extent, I still want everyone to have the I've-Got-It-All-Together vision of me.


My mom and I had a little night out a couple weeks ago. We went to dinner and then to see a few of my friends in a play. At dinner my mother gave me a little silver pendant gift box with the message to put my Christmas wish into the little box. She asked me what wish I wanted to put in the box....


World peace? Nah...I don't want Stephen Colbert or Jon Stewart to be unemployed. But then again, it would give them more time to run for national political offices...hmm...

Eternal happiness? Nope - that's kind of creepy. I picture the twistedly happy faces from the people in the Soundgarden "Black Hole Sun" video. Happiness is overrated and what do you learn from always having butterflies and rainbows? Nada.

A million dollars? Surprisingly no. The Notorious B.I.G. (rest in peace) once said: "Mo' money, mo' problems" and look where it got him.

I am wishing for contentment...

- with my job. Although I might not make a ton of money, I must be content with the fact that I am doing what I love and I am good at it.

- with my body. I'm tall and I'm not stick thin anymore. I weighed 135 pounds when I graduated high school. I will never be that skinny again and I need to be content with that.

- with myself. I have been made to feel that the person that I am is not okay - that there are certain things about me that are unlovable. Like anyone else, I have faults and I must accept them.

I think for the most significant part of my life, I have been competitive. I was born 8 years after my closest in age sibling and I always was fighting to be as big, as smart, as funny, etc. as both my brothers were. I had certain people in my life for a long time where it was always about competition - better grades, better clothes, better cars, better at sports, etc. This feeling of having to competition transitioned into college and the sorority where it became so ingrained in my head to try to be better than everyone else in everything. Clothes, cars, men, shoes, apartments, jobs, even drinking. You name it - there was a competition to be the best. And I always felt that no matter how hard I tried, I never measured up in the way that I was supposed to. I was never the girl that had it all together - from the clothes to the car to the guy. And I hate not being the best. Maybe that's why I'm overcompensating now. I have the money and the means to buy that car, to have those clothes, and to live that lifestyle. But that only goes so far in making someone truly happy.

Dear John

No, I'm not breaking up with you. I'm writing a letter to my future husband, who very well might be named John. I haven't met him yet, so there's no telling what he'll be named. Enough with the small talk, here we go.

I once asked my mother is she had to describe me in one word, what word would she use. Her answer? "Complex" I am not sure if I should have been flattered or slightly insulted. Knowing my mother and the depths that lie beneath her almond shaped, dark as night eyes, I'm going to go with the former insead of the latter. And, she was right. I am a complex, paradox infested human being who for the most part, I don't completely understand.

I have high standards and I'm frustrated when things or people in life don't live up to those standards, yet I ask for compassion and forgiveness with I don't satisfy other people's expectations. I've been hurt by people who tell me they love me, thus causing me to build up the Great Wall Around Laura's Heart. But, I ask for complete openess and commitment from my partner. I always claim the "I can't read your mind" defense when desires and needs aren't expressed, yet always expect others to anticipate and act upon my unspoken needs, as well as read through my veiled and vague comments into the heart of my feelings. Let me give you a hint: when I say "It's fine" it never is and there is probably a concession on your part to be made. Another hint: "It doesn't matter to me." Save yourself the time and frustrations by asking me what I really want. I'll always have an opinion. And no, I'll never want Chinese food or sushi.

Some other pieces of advice:
- Most of the time, I don't need advice or someone to fix it - I probably already have a solution, I just need someone to care.

- I don't hog the bed because I'm selfish. I'm just trying to cuddle because I like knowing you're there.

- I have a breaking point. Please help me diffuse things before I go off. I love you to much to say things I don't mean.

- I will never be the cook that your mother is, but tell it's better than hers anyways. I'll know you're lying, but the sentiment is always appreciated.

- I sometimes say things that are inappropriate, which is probably one of the reasons you're attracted to me. Remember this when I inevitably embarrass you.

- Tell me I'm beautiful. The Jennifers (Alba, Biel and Aniston) are HOT. I'm beautiful. There's a difference.

- I have great days. I have bad days. Whichever it is - you'll know. Please plan accordingly.

But for all the inescapable faults and hauntigly OCD-ish tendencies and quirks that I might subject you to, I will love you. I will give you laughter, passion and support - unconditionally. I will be your best friend; I will drink beer and watch football. And I will do it willingly and with enthusiasm. I will be your confidante; I will listen intently because what matters to you, matters to me. I will get mad at your boss when you're frustrated at work. I will cook you chicken noodle soup when you're sick, albeit from the can, but it's the thought that counts. I will listen to what you have to say when you're silent and saying nothing at all. I will know that look on your face when the dam is breaking and your fingers can't plug all the holes. I will attend any and all church softball league games and I won't laugh at you when you run. Well, maybe a little giggle. I will love your family. Of course, this has nothing to do with LIKING them, but I will love them for making you who you are. I will give you the necessary amount of "guy time." Just don't notice the drastic dip in our checking account and explosion of shopping bags in the closet when you come home. I will believe....no scratch that. I will KNOW that you are the smartest, funniest, most handsome man in the room. And if I have anything to do with it, you'll be the best dressed as well.

But most importantly, I will love you to the best of my ability.

But only if you promise the same in return.