Are you there God? It's me...Laura.

It's no secret that God and I have been very distant in the past few years - since my Senior year of high school, really. I was super involved in the church for most of my high school years, but for some reason...more exposure to the real world, I suppose...I became disenfranchised with the whole "God will save all" idea. Probably because I realized first hand that bad things did happen and I questioned where God was at those times.

Anyways. I went through college basically a faithless neaderthal who, at times, was worshipping the porcelain god more than the God I had been taught through years of Catholic religious education. I was in that in-between stage of having been taken care of by my parents and being completely self-sufficient. For some reason, I believed that I could and had to take care of everything on my own...pull myself up by my bootstraps one might say. I looked at people who relied on "God" and "faith" to help them through a difficult time as weak individuals who weren't emotionally strong enough to do it on their own. I truly did not believe that there was any higher power looking out for me.

Or maybe, deep down inside, I knew that what I was doing wasn't something particularly "sanctioned" by God...and I was ashamed. Kind of that "I'll break up with you before you can break up with me" thing.

I started praying to God for an answer to my "why is everyone else falling in love and getting married and not me" dilemma when I started writing this blog...and for a year and a half, I didn't get an answer. The answer was sitting right in front of my face the entire time but I think that I was praying not just for a man to stand at the end of an altar, but for a real life-long-best-friend-soul-mate person. And I know now, looking back, that God knew what I truly wanted, but yet he also knew that both myself and my LLBFSM person needed time to get things straight in our own minds before we could be happy together.

So then he was there and I thought to myself that all my prayers had been answered...I hadn't been forgotten by God, although I frequently forgot about him. Oops. But then he screwed up and again, I had to rely on what little faith remained from my years of disillusionment and believe that he was telling the truth. And everything turned out very well...which has led to me thinking this God character might be a pretty important person to invest more time, energy and emotion into.

I've just started praying little prayers here and there:

Prayer: "Please God, give me the patience to encourage my volleyball team this year to do their very best."
Outcome: My team was in the top 4 of the district at the end of season tournament.

Prayer: "Please God, give me the strength to fight these cravings."
Outcome: I quit smoking this summer. Applause is welcome.

Prayer: "I know that God has the right house out there for us."
Outcome: We're moving into the most beautiful first home on Thursday!

Prayer: "Please God, don't let him go to deep. I know he's hurting and there's nothing I can do to change it. Please....show him that he's okay..."
Outcome: It's a daily prayer and it always will be...but so far - he's doing very well.

Those are just a few of the ones that I can truly remember at this point in time. But the moral of the story is that I'm coming around on the God thing. Still not to the point of an actual church attendance...but the spirituality is returning.

Bittersweet

All the pictures are off the walls leaving the faint outline of an apartment once lived in. The bookshelves have been emptied and now resemble a toothless grin. The sound of doors and cabinets shutting echo a bit more off the blank walls, adding a shuddering, melancholy soundtrack to the finality of what path my life is about to take.

I look around and my apartment is filled with memories. Memories of Girl's Night with Meggie and Jennifer and a round of Taco Bueno for everyone. Singing Les Miserables and High School Musical with Jenn, enhanced by a bottle of wine of course. Quiet and lazy Sunday mornings spent on the porch with a book and a cup of coffee. Writing this blog while desperately praying for inner peace. The sense of accomplishment when my new couches arrived. Curled up on the couch with my ankle the size of a softball while my coworkers made sure I had food and water within reach. My mother painting the letters "LAUGH" with me, while she was praying that I too, would someday laugh again. Hot summer days, cold winter nights, and throughout the storm season that ravages North Texas in the spring...I've been here for two and a half years.

I feel as if I grew up in this apartment. I learned how to pay bills and how to save up money for big purchases. I took off the training wheels and became an adult here. I stopped spending my money on drinks at the bar, and instead on books that quench my inner thirst. I have opened the blinds and let the sun shine in on my joy and closed up the curtains in an effort to shut out the world.

Although great joy and contentment await me in the new house and new life, it will be bittersweet to say good-bye to this little home I have created.

Extreme Blog Makeover!

After perusing some of my friends blogs, I realized that I was way behind on the "make your blog cute" bandwagon, so I have updated this blog and come clean on who I am...as the giant picture of me shows. So...there you have it. I like the new look - enjoy!

Election Day!

I'm not a patriotic person. I don't wear red, white and blue on the 4th of July and I don't get misty-eyed at the playing of The Star Spangled Banner. I think that...to a certain extent...patriotism can at times become commercial, much like Christmas. Anyone can put on a stars and stripes shirt and wave a flag...but I believe that our true patriotism can be found in the voting lines wrapped around thousands of buildings scattered across the United States. I find patriotism in the idea of people passionately caring about what is happening in the country and taking advantage of the freedoms we have here. I'm not that super "patriotic" of a person, but that doesn't mean that I don't love and appreciate my country and the choices I have.

It's Not About the Ring

We went looking at rings a few weeks ago after a particularly depressing Stars hockey game. I must admit, as exciting as it was to imagine him proposing to me...it was incredibly nervewracking. Not because of the prospect of spending the rest of my life with one person, but because of the pressure placed on you by the salesmen at the jewelry store.

Upon placing a certain ring with diamond on my finger, the impeccably dressed saleswoman breathlessly asked me "Do you love it?"

Upon hearing these words, I was immediately hurtled back in time to a certain shopping trip with two of my good friends to David's Bridal. In my world, David's Bridal is synonomous with hell. During this particular trip, we were accosted by an overeager, but yet under educated "bridal professional" who made it her personal mission in life to find my friend Meggie the PERFECT wedding dress that she was going to LOVE. Needless to say, this woman...appropriately named "Alexis"...made me absolutely nauseous. The idea of the "dress" or the "jewelry" creating the perfect life together really bothered me.

In response to her obviously perfectly practiced pitch, I looked her straight in the eyes and told her:

"I love him...I like the ring."

And that's what this whole experience is about...the house, the ring, the future wedding and honeymoon. It's about being with him. End of story.

Running Scared

For much of this blog I have reiterated the fact that I wanted what I saw all my friends getting - a true love, a best friend, the stable life. I have hoped, prayed, dreamed and reassured myself that someday it would happen. But honestly, I'm not sure if I ever truly believed that it would happen. I think after living on my own for so long, I got used to being just that - alone. I relegated myself to the fact that being single and living on my own was just the way it was going to be. I knew what I wanted to have in the future - the house, the husband and the family - and it was exciting, but yet sad because all my friends had it and I didn't. But looking it straight in the eyes is an entirely different matter. Because now it's sitting in front of me - the true love, the best friend and a stable life, complete with a big house, mortgage and swimming pool. And I'm totally running away from it and he doesn't understand why.

He is an amazing person - not just successful, funny, kind and all those other wonderful attributes; but it's amazing that he puts up with me. He just takes me in stride and accepts who I am and loves me because and despite of everything. He is one of the most patient, even-tempered, logical and rational people I have ever met. Maybe that's why we work - I'm probably the opposite of all those things!

Last year, I wrote about how I wished Christmas had that magic again. I was in one of the lowest points in my life. Period. I remember sitting at my computer, bathed in the glow of the white Christmas lights from my carefully decorated turquoise tree, just praying for the magic to return. Not just the magic of Christmas, but the magic in my life. He brought that back to me without me even knowing it. I sit here now, on October 12th, listening to Christmas music...totally ready for the holiday festivities. Not just because of the presents, but because of the promise of spending it with him...my family. I'm not sitting here imagining a fairy tale life filled with lazy mornings and cozy cuddling in front of a fire every night. I'm picturing getting up in the morning, getting the paper for him (well, the sports section at least), drinking my coffee while reading a book as we relax in front of our own Christmas tree. I want that comforting feeling of "home" with him that you're supposed to have around the holidays.

And so, as I am sitting here again, in the dark peace of my apartment with only the dim glow from the parking lot lights illuminating my living room, I am praying again. Not for the magic to return, but for some sort of assurance or sign that he is the one. But then again, I think - do I really need anymore signs? Yes, he screwed up this summer...don't think I haven't forgotten! But, she isn't an issue - I know in my heart that he realizes what true friendship and companionship is about...and she never showed him that. I am content and secure in what we have between us to not be intimidated by her anymore. I still am damn curious to meet her though. He was there without question when I was in the hospital this summer, and when I went to the ER for my ankle last spring. And the weird thing is that when he would look me in the terror filled eyes in the ER when I had just found out that I was going to have to have surgery, I 100% believed him when he told me that I would be fine. And on several more occasions, if he tells me things will work out, or if he knows that it's going to be okay, or whatever he's giving his opinion on that I'm worried about...I feel so peaceful knowing that he is confident in the outcome. I trust his judgement without question and I look to him to give me the strength to persevere and be courageous. Not because I need him around in order to do things, but because I have to see myself through his eyes before I know I can do something. Does that make sense? I know that he sees me as I am, even when I doubt myself. Which is very often sadly. But if he believes that I can do something...I know that I can because he knows what I am capable of.

I know that I'm totally rambling, but I can't sleep until I get all this worry off my chest.

So, the bottom line is that there is a house hunt going on and I am petrified. Almost to the point of paralyzing fear. And I am really trying to figure out where the "fear" is coming from, or what it is aimed at.

- Am I afraid of making a commitment to him in the form of a house without a commitment on my hand? To a certain extent, yes I am. Because I see the world in black and white and it is hard for me to see any grey. I like definite answers, definite plans and rock solid evidence before I believe anything. But if I'm waiting for a handwritten letter from God stating that he is the one for me...I might never get married or move on to the next stage in my life. I have to trust him when he tells me that yes - he indeed wants to spend his life with me. I saw the look in his eyes when he told me that - it was open, honest, firm and unwavering. He meant his words and that's what I have to believe. Would I like a ring? Yes, of course. But I'd rather him have wait and have the time to save up for a really big one. Ha, ha, ha. But seriously, there is a sense of cart-before-horse during our house talks, but I also have to remember that every couple's path is different. We aren't going to be like any other couple. Not just because everyone is unique and all that crap. But because we are both very individualistic, independent and stubborn people - we do what we want and what makes us happy regardless of what the "norm" is.

- Am I afraid of losing my independence once we combine our lives? At first, I was having terrible nightmares about being chased by a figure of death, knowing that my life was about to be over and there was nothing I could do about it. I was honestly oblivious to the meaning of my night terrors, but being the man that he is - he laid it all out for me and explained my terrifying dreams. I was afraid of losing the independence that I have developed over the three years that I've lived on my own. Once I realized what my dreams meant, I dismissed that fear as silly. He's not the type of guy to ever want to clip my wings and not allow me my personal freedom. I think my fierce independence is one of the things that he truly loves about me. And plus - hopefully we'll get a house where we can "escape" each other and do our own independent thing.

- Am I afraid of failure? Always and forever will I be afraid to fail. It's been what has propelled me to be successful in my life. My goals were never to achieve great things...but to just NOT FAIL at anything. Probably not the most optimistic outlook on life, but it's worked so far. I think by living on my own I have established myself as a pseudo-adult in a certain extent. Sure, I have bills and rent and car payments and everything, but living in an apartment is still a sign of a certain "youthfulness" that screams "I'm not TOTALLY settled down yet like a 'real' adult." To me, a mortgage and a yard to mow would completely cement my feet in the real adult world. And I'm afraid I won't be any good at it. I have to trust myself...I am more capable than I give myself credit for.

I think the bottom line is that I'm afraid of the financial gravity of it all. It sure is nice to have a rather disposable income where spending money on frivolous things every once in awhile doesn't really throw my budget out of whack. But at the same time, even in this crazy financial situation the country is currently in, I know that both of our jobs are fairly stable...but more importantly...I believe in us. I believe that when the two of us are working together we accomplish some pretty great things. We are very similar in that aspect - if we have a goal, it's going to become a reality. We're both stubborn that way.

Generation Gap

I'm sitting in my bed, feeling a little bit under the weather, watching the VMA's...and I'm just a little bit confused.

What do young women find attractive in the Jonas Brothers? I just don't understand the skinny girl jeans, out of control and overly styled curly hair, and their slight traces of eyeliner. What is attractive about that?! They're so....androgynous...weird.

And then, what comes up next? A young man jumping around on the stage dancing half naked with his pants around his knees. I don't want to see his boxer-briefs! And then the worst part - half of his song had to be muted out because it was full of cursing. What's the point of even performing if your song is lost on all the viewers nationwide?

Yeah. I know, I know. It's not like the pop stars and performers of my generation did much better. Remember Britney and the snake?! Or Britney and Madonna?! Or Britney at all in the past few years?! I mean, maybe there was something a little ridiculous about five guys in a boy band dancing around in unison to slightly cheesy pop songs...but at least they were fully dressed and their lyrics could be enjoyed by everyone and not censored because of foul language.

In essence what I'm trying to say is...where's the wholesomeness?!

Okay. I know that I'm talking about MTV - not exactly breeding ground for the Conservative Christian Coalition, but I KNOW that my impressionable middle school students are sitting around watching the very same VMA's that I am and I must wonder - how is this affecting their idea of fashion and what they deem is acceptable behavior?

On a different topic, but somewhat related...I watched the new 90210 last week, as well as the season premiere of Gossip Girl. Not because I'm really "into" either show, but I had to see what all the hype was about. On the subject of 90210, I wasn't interested in watching it when it first came out because I was still mostly in the Full House age demographic. As I grew older, Brenda and Kelly became a staple in my Wednesday night television repetoire. I was wholly anticipating a completely crap version of an old classic. And I was not let down! I must admit - a little shiver of anticipation and nostalgia ran down my back when the signature "dun nuh nuh nuh...dun nuh nuh nuh" came on. But...the rest of the show - take it or leave it. The strangest thing is that the kids that are in middle or high school watching this version of the show have absolutely NO idea the impact that 90210 had on the older generation.

On a side note of the generation gap between me and my students...as far as they're concerned and according to one onry young man - Green Day has been around since 2000 or so. Oh. And they're from Ireland because of the "green" in the name. He looked throroughly confused when I corrected him and informed him of Green Day's birth in southern California in the late 1980s and fame in the early 1990s...as well as their musical journey from hard core West Coast punk to the more mainstream rock-punk breed.

So, then a few days later I watched the season premiere of Gossip Girl. Having never watched a single episode, I had to see what all those steamy ads are about. At the end of the hour, I was convinced I had seen this show somewhere before. After some thinking it came to me. Cruel Intentions + The OC!

So...basically the teenage drama has never gone away. 90210 (the original), Dawson's Creek, The OC and now Gossip Girl. And I also guess that

I know that I'm sounding conservative right now and I have to be clear on things. I work with kids and I see the negative effects of the advanced teen culture...some of them seem like little adults and not the 13 year olds that they are. I hate the fact that they have to grow up so fast - there are so many experiences that they will get to have...but in time and when they are old enough and have the maturity to truly handle it in the best way possible. I think back to what kids my age were doing when I was in middle and high school and all I can remember is how "old" we thought we were at 14 and 15 years old. We got into things that we didn't know how to handle and we didn't understand the future consequences of our actions. Not just the tangible and physical consequences...but the emotional impact it made. I became so cynical and jaded by the age of 20..that's ridiculous and unnecessary! I just want to shake some of them, especially the 8th grade girls, and wipe their pretty little faces of all the ill applied make-up, and put some better fitting and more covering clothing on them. I almost feel, well not sorry for them, but I do pity them in a way. Having to feel so much pressure at such a young age to live up to what society is shoving at them. I don't remember having that pressure from the media at that age. We didn't have the Miley's, the Serena's and the Demi's...yeah, there was N'Sync and Britney, but they were when I was a bit older - high school at least. I don't know. I just don't remember being like such a little adult while I was in middle school.

It kills me to admit that I'm feeling something soooo conservative when, for the past few years, I have prided myself on being an open-minded person and fairly liberal when it comes to my political views. But this goes beyond being left or right - it's about protecting children from things they don't understand or aren't ready for.

BUT, having said that about teenagers and their current culture, I don't believe that it's ALL bad news and influences...I must admit that I totally love the family friendly High School Musical. Plus. Who didn't wish their high school classmates would spontaneously burst into song?!