Running Scared

For much of this blog I have reiterated the fact that I wanted what I saw all my friends getting - a true love, a best friend, the stable life. I have hoped, prayed, dreamed and reassured myself that someday it would happen. But honestly, I'm not sure if I ever truly believed that it would happen. I think after living on my own for so long, I got used to being just that - alone. I relegated myself to the fact that being single and living on my own was just the way it was going to be. I knew what I wanted to have in the future - the house, the husband and the family - and it was exciting, but yet sad because all my friends had it and I didn't. But looking it straight in the eyes is an entirely different matter. Because now it's sitting in front of me - the true love, the best friend and a stable life, complete with a big house, mortgage and swimming pool. And I'm totally running away from it and he doesn't understand why.

He is an amazing person - not just successful, funny, kind and all those other wonderful attributes; but it's amazing that he puts up with me. He just takes me in stride and accepts who I am and loves me because and despite of everything. He is one of the most patient, even-tempered, logical and rational people I have ever met. Maybe that's why we work - I'm probably the opposite of all those things!

Last year, I wrote about how I wished Christmas had that magic again. I was in one of the lowest points in my life. Period. I remember sitting at my computer, bathed in the glow of the white Christmas lights from my carefully decorated turquoise tree, just praying for the magic to return. Not just the magic of Christmas, but the magic in my life. He brought that back to me without me even knowing it. I sit here now, on October 12th, listening to Christmas music...totally ready for the holiday festivities. Not just because of the presents, but because of the promise of spending it with him...my family. I'm not sitting here imagining a fairy tale life filled with lazy mornings and cozy cuddling in front of a fire every night. I'm picturing getting up in the morning, getting the paper for him (well, the sports section at least), drinking my coffee while reading a book as we relax in front of our own Christmas tree. I want that comforting feeling of "home" with him that you're supposed to have around the holidays.

And so, as I am sitting here again, in the dark peace of my apartment with only the dim glow from the parking lot lights illuminating my living room, I am praying again. Not for the magic to return, but for some sort of assurance or sign that he is the one. But then again, I think - do I really need anymore signs? Yes, he screwed up this summer...don't think I haven't forgotten! But, she isn't an issue - I know in my heart that he realizes what true friendship and companionship is about...and she never showed him that. I am content and secure in what we have between us to not be intimidated by her anymore. I still am damn curious to meet her though. He was there without question when I was in the hospital this summer, and when I went to the ER for my ankle last spring. And the weird thing is that when he would look me in the terror filled eyes in the ER when I had just found out that I was going to have to have surgery, I 100% believed him when he told me that I would be fine. And on several more occasions, if he tells me things will work out, or if he knows that it's going to be okay, or whatever he's giving his opinion on that I'm worried about...I feel so peaceful knowing that he is confident in the outcome. I trust his judgement without question and I look to him to give me the strength to persevere and be courageous. Not because I need him around in order to do things, but because I have to see myself through his eyes before I know I can do something. Does that make sense? I know that he sees me as I am, even when I doubt myself. Which is very often sadly. But if he believes that I can do something...I know that I can because he knows what I am capable of.

I know that I'm totally rambling, but I can't sleep until I get all this worry off my chest.

So, the bottom line is that there is a house hunt going on and I am petrified. Almost to the point of paralyzing fear. And I am really trying to figure out where the "fear" is coming from, or what it is aimed at.

- Am I afraid of making a commitment to him in the form of a house without a commitment on my hand? To a certain extent, yes I am. Because I see the world in black and white and it is hard for me to see any grey. I like definite answers, definite plans and rock solid evidence before I believe anything. But if I'm waiting for a handwritten letter from God stating that he is the one for me...I might never get married or move on to the next stage in my life. I have to trust him when he tells me that yes - he indeed wants to spend his life with me. I saw the look in his eyes when he told me that - it was open, honest, firm and unwavering. He meant his words and that's what I have to believe. Would I like a ring? Yes, of course. But I'd rather him have wait and have the time to save up for a really big one. Ha, ha, ha. But seriously, there is a sense of cart-before-horse during our house talks, but I also have to remember that every couple's path is different. We aren't going to be like any other couple. Not just because everyone is unique and all that crap. But because we are both very individualistic, independent and stubborn people - we do what we want and what makes us happy regardless of what the "norm" is.

- Am I afraid of losing my independence once we combine our lives? At first, I was having terrible nightmares about being chased by a figure of death, knowing that my life was about to be over and there was nothing I could do about it. I was honestly oblivious to the meaning of my night terrors, but being the man that he is - he laid it all out for me and explained my terrifying dreams. I was afraid of losing the independence that I have developed over the three years that I've lived on my own. Once I realized what my dreams meant, I dismissed that fear as silly. He's not the type of guy to ever want to clip my wings and not allow me my personal freedom. I think my fierce independence is one of the things that he truly loves about me. And plus - hopefully we'll get a house where we can "escape" each other and do our own independent thing.

- Am I afraid of failure? Always and forever will I be afraid to fail. It's been what has propelled me to be successful in my life. My goals were never to achieve great things...but to just NOT FAIL at anything. Probably not the most optimistic outlook on life, but it's worked so far. I think by living on my own I have established myself as a pseudo-adult in a certain extent. Sure, I have bills and rent and car payments and everything, but living in an apartment is still a sign of a certain "youthfulness" that screams "I'm not TOTALLY settled down yet like a 'real' adult." To me, a mortgage and a yard to mow would completely cement my feet in the real adult world. And I'm afraid I won't be any good at it. I have to trust myself...I am more capable than I give myself credit for.

I think the bottom line is that I'm afraid of the financial gravity of it all. It sure is nice to have a rather disposable income where spending money on frivolous things every once in awhile doesn't really throw my budget out of whack. But at the same time, even in this crazy financial situation the country is currently in, I know that both of our jobs are fairly stable...but more importantly...I believe in us. I believe that when the two of us are working together we accomplish some pretty great things. We are very similar in that aspect - if we have a goal, it's going to become a reality. We're both stubborn that way.

Generation Gap

I'm sitting in my bed, feeling a little bit under the weather, watching the VMA's...and I'm just a little bit confused.

What do young women find attractive in the Jonas Brothers? I just don't understand the skinny girl jeans, out of control and overly styled curly hair, and their slight traces of eyeliner. What is attractive about that?! They're so....androgynous...weird.

And then, what comes up next? A young man jumping around on the stage dancing half naked with his pants around his knees. I don't want to see his boxer-briefs! And then the worst part - half of his song had to be muted out because it was full of cursing. What's the point of even performing if your song is lost on all the viewers nationwide?

Yeah. I know, I know. It's not like the pop stars and performers of my generation did much better. Remember Britney and the snake?! Or Britney and Madonna?! Or Britney at all in the past few years?! I mean, maybe there was something a little ridiculous about five guys in a boy band dancing around in unison to slightly cheesy pop songs...but at least they were fully dressed and their lyrics could be enjoyed by everyone and not censored because of foul language.

In essence what I'm trying to say is...where's the wholesomeness?!

Okay. I know that I'm talking about MTV - not exactly breeding ground for the Conservative Christian Coalition, but I KNOW that my impressionable middle school students are sitting around watching the very same VMA's that I am and I must wonder - how is this affecting their idea of fashion and what they deem is acceptable behavior?

On a different topic, but somewhat related...I watched the new 90210 last week, as well as the season premiere of Gossip Girl. Not because I'm really "into" either show, but I had to see what all the hype was about. On the subject of 90210, I wasn't interested in watching it when it first came out because I was still mostly in the Full House age demographic. As I grew older, Brenda and Kelly became a staple in my Wednesday night television repetoire. I was wholly anticipating a completely crap version of an old classic. And I was not let down! I must admit - a little shiver of anticipation and nostalgia ran down my back when the signature "dun nuh nuh nuh...dun nuh nuh nuh" came on. But...the rest of the show - take it or leave it. The strangest thing is that the kids that are in middle or high school watching this version of the show have absolutely NO idea the impact that 90210 had on the older generation.

On a side note of the generation gap between me and my students...as far as they're concerned and according to one onry young man - Green Day has been around since 2000 or so. Oh. And they're from Ireland because of the "green" in the name. He looked throroughly confused when I corrected him and informed him of Green Day's birth in southern California in the late 1980s and fame in the early 1990s...as well as their musical journey from hard core West Coast punk to the more mainstream rock-punk breed.

So, then a few days later I watched the season premiere of Gossip Girl. Having never watched a single episode, I had to see what all those steamy ads are about. At the end of the hour, I was convinced I had seen this show somewhere before. After some thinking it came to me. Cruel Intentions + The OC!

So...basically the teenage drama has never gone away. 90210 (the original), Dawson's Creek, The OC and now Gossip Girl. And I also guess that

I know that I'm sounding conservative right now and I have to be clear on things. I work with kids and I see the negative effects of the advanced teen culture...some of them seem like little adults and not the 13 year olds that they are. I hate the fact that they have to grow up so fast - there are so many experiences that they will get to have...but in time and when they are old enough and have the maturity to truly handle it in the best way possible. I think back to what kids my age were doing when I was in middle and high school and all I can remember is how "old" we thought we were at 14 and 15 years old. We got into things that we didn't know how to handle and we didn't understand the future consequences of our actions. Not just the tangible and physical consequences...but the emotional impact it made. I became so cynical and jaded by the age of 20..that's ridiculous and unnecessary! I just want to shake some of them, especially the 8th grade girls, and wipe their pretty little faces of all the ill applied make-up, and put some better fitting and more covering clothing on them. I almost feel, well not sorry for them, but I do pity them in a way. Having to feel so much pressure at such a young age to live up to what society is shoving at them. I don't remember having that pressure from the media at that age. We didn't have the Miley's, the Serena's and the Demi's...yeah, there was N'Sync and Britney, but they were when I was a bit older - high school at least. I don't know. I just don't remember being like such a little adult while I was in middle school.

It kills me to admit that I'm feeling something soooo conservative when, for the past few years, I have prided myself on being an open-minded person and fairly liberal when it comes to my political views. But this goes beyond being left or right - it's about protecting children from things they don't understand or aren't ready for.

BUT, having said that about teenagers and their current culture, I don't believe that it's ALL bad news and influences...I must admit that I totally love the family friendly High School Musical. Plus. Who didn't wish their high school classmates would spontaneously burst into song?!

New Year, New Me?!

I'm beginning my 4th year of teaching this week and I must admit that it kind of tripped me out at first. I remember being the "baby" of the faculty...just kind of floating along and letting people take care of things for me. Coincidentally much like the same way I lived my life when I was younger and the "baby" of the family. In my first full year at the school I teach at, I was the bubbly, outgoing and eager young teacher - always up for a happy hour and trying to make everyone like me. To a certain extent, I still felt that same "youngness" last year even though it was my 3rd year teaching.

But something in the past year has switched. I've changed...no...I've evolved. Feel free to disagree, but I feel that I have gained a level of maturity about what is important in my life and where my priorities lie. My circle of friends at work has grown smaller, but closer. The number of evenings and nights out has diminished greatly, but yet the contentment and satisfaction in my life has flourished.

I look back on the girl who started teaching 3 years ago and I imagine her as a little girl dressed up in her mother's clothes. I was trying so desperately to figure out my place in the grownup world, but I ended up realizing that you can't "find" your place in the world - you have to create the person you want to be. I feel like I honestly had an awakening in the past year as to what is truly important...
- the fact that a person brought you your favorite meal from Taco Bueno because you sprained your ankle.
- giving kids the benefit of the doubt and showing compassion and concern.
- spending time with the family...thanks to my appendix I remembered how good it feels to just be in my parent's presence (and home cooking!).
- friends that know if you don't talk for awhile it's nothing personal...everybody's life is getting busier but that doesn't mean they don't come running when you need them.
- being myself.

I feel as if I've started another year at the school, but people expect me to be the same crazy girl that I used to be.

Case in point: it was my appendix - NOT a hangover!!! :)

To a certain extent, I'm embarrased of the person that I used to be - because she was completely out of control and incredibly immature. Not to say that I'm not still immature. I can't help but giggle everytime someone says the word "balls," which is unfortunate since I do coach volleyball...

Regardless, there has been a major shift in my outlook, my persona, my interactions with people, my level of commitment, and my priorities.

Wow, you must be thinking. Where did all this come from?

Let me tell you - he's a pretty inspiring person. He has inspired me to completely be myself and cherish who I am. He has challenged me to approach life's sticky and uncomfortable situations with maturity, dignity and grace...yet allowed me a safe place to be completely silly. I haven't CHANGED who I am or what I believe in by any means. I think he's just encouraged me to be my "adult" self.

Of course, there have been other contributors - I couldn't have done it without three very important co-workers. Women who have not too long ago been in my position. All three who have come from entirely different backgrounds, lifestyles and mindsets...yet are all incredibly successful and supportive of my personal growth. I have really looked to them as to how to not only handle the professional world, but find balance and contentment in my personal life as well. I hope that they have seen a growth in me...and I hope they know how grateful I am that they took the time to help me along the way.

It's almost as if I have women in my life showing me along the way of who I am at the present time, ten years down the road or so, and then the ultimate impact I want to leave on the world.

In the present, my personal friends - the ones with whom I shop, eat, drink and lean on. They cultivate the persona that I am right now...and as we get older, we will all mature at more or less the same rate. They almost serve as a mirror as to my position in life - the fears, frustrations, challenges and triumphs of being in your mid twenties. We experience everything together and find our way through this grown up world by leaning on each other.

Then there are my co-workers, most of whom are approximately 5 to 10 years older than me. Generally married and some starting families. They show me my nearest goals - what I want to be in ten years. Married, successful, confident, compassionate, fun....and content with who they are and their place in this world.

And then we come to my mother and grandma. Two women that have had several lifetimes of experience and learning. They embrace life and all it's challenges, quirkiness, irony, gloriousness and beauty. There is no experience that they do not learn and grow from...nor is there one that they haven't endured with grace, dignity and a wry sense of humor. I want to eventually be their age and look back at my life with a triumphant and satisfied smile at the life I have lead.

So...in conclusion...I have a lot of people to be grateful to in my life. More people than could actually fit in this blog at this point in time (I do have to get up early tomorrow!). I can't forget my patient and hard working father, nor my playful and protective big brothers. But those shout outs must come at a later time. I have the youth of America to raise at a VERY early time in the morning.

Love and Nutra System

I am a good girlfriend. I am a good girlfriend. I am a good girlfriend.

Just keep telling myself that...as I shove down another piece of salad, when what I really want is a big fat Taco Bueno burrito drenched in cheese and salsa.

The BF has started subscribing and eating the Nutra System diet plan this week. Coincidentally it is also the first week of school...therefore moderately stressful and a bit chaotic. The perfect emotional recipe for lots of dinners out, lunches from Chick Fil A, as well as beer and wings while watching the Cowboys play tonight.

But no. He decided that the first week of the new school year was the best time to turn over a new leaf and start leading a healthier lifestyle. Don't get me wrong - I am totally supporting him becoming healthier and therefore happier with himself.

But he's HUNGRY. And that makes him CRANKY.

Wish us luck while this whole lifestyle sets in...

My List

I turned 25 last week and while filling out a survey on myspace, I realized something...I'm going to be 30 in five years. Not that I'm afraid of turning 30 - but I see it as a sort of milestone and a slight turning point in my life.

So...on a recent flight home from my birthday celebration in Las Vegas, I began thinking about my place in life (very content with it currently) and where I want to be in five years. So, I began making a list of things that I wanted to do before I turn thirty and then...it just kept going.

Here it is...

Before I turn 30, I will...
- pay off my car and NOT immediately buy a new one!
- buy a house. I'm tired of renting!
- go back to Italy with just my mom and take it more leisurely.
- find a church where I can find faith and attend regularly.
- get a really awesome dog.
- buy and keep plants alive.
- take a cooking class and learn more than just pasta.
- learn to speak Italian.
- participate and volunteer in a non profit organization.
- VOTE! VOTE!! VOTE!!!
- make a list of places to go and start checking them off!

Before I die, I will...
- go on a really long mission trip to a third world country.
- write a book of my life and experiences for my children like my Grandma did.
- have a daughter and name her Elizabeth and raise her in my Grandma and mother's images.
- marry my best friend.
- make sure I've left the world a little better than it was when I entered.
- READ! READ!! READ!!!
- LEARN! LEARN!! LEARN!!!
- Go to the Olympics.

My summer vacation is coming to an end in the next couple of weeks and it has not gone exactly as planned, but I have grown up just a little bit more and learned more about myself and the life I want to lead.

I felt betrayal, but learned unconditional forgiveness.
I felt like throwing a fit, but learned to speak so that things got sorted out.
I felt excrutiating nausea and pain in my abdomen, but learned it's not ALWAYS a hangover.
(Those appendixes are tricky!!)
I can't stand not knowing, but learned being surprised is half the fun.
I have become my own adult, but remembered how good it feels to be taken care of by my mother.
I feel anxious and have cravings, but I realize for the happiness of my future - it's better to quit.

Awhile back, I blogged about how I wanted contentment. Not eternal happiness, but contentment. It might not last forever, but in this moment - I feel content. I look around my apartment, see my couches, my curtains, my furniture, my pitures, my bedding, my clothes, my mementos, my movies, my books - and I see myself reflected back. And I'm proud of the person that I am. I am proud of the people in those pictures. I'm proud of the relationships I have and even more proud of the unhealthy ones that I have either let go of, or stopped depending on.

The thing about growing up, is that it truly never is over. I remember my Senior year of high school, I reflected on my four years of high school and couldn't believe how far I had come in just 4 years. I did the same at the end of college...and then my first year of teaching...and now I'm just looking back 8 months. Although I know that I started this most recent growth process on my own, I couldn't have done and can't continue doing it without the loving support of that best friend turned boyfriend I talked about awhile back.

Yes...the very same one who royally screwed up at the beginning of the summer. We've moved past that incident - but no, even though it was forgiven, it has not been forgotten. On that note, a little explanation: I couldn't sleep one night because I was so ANGRY with him. I wanted to just love him the way that I used to, but because of his crappy judgment call, I couldn't. So...I prayed. A lot. I prayed to God and I prayed to my Grandma. Not just for everything to be okay, but for a real resolvement of the situation. Tears were shed and it was sometimes hard to breathe. But then I heard this clear voice...and believe me - it wasn't that little voice in my head. It was some other being, presumably my Grandma, and it told me this: I can't love him the way I want to until I truly forgive him. I realized I was going about things the wrong way and therefore in order to release the anger, I had to forgive first. So, against my more logical judgment, I did what the voice inside told me...and it worked. He and I talked. And talked. And talked. I asked questions and he gave answers. The situation is resolved and he knows the expectations that I have for the future. In short...we're back together and actually more connected and stronger as a couple. That's a big lesson for me fo sho.

Hate

I hate that in one weekend, you ruined two years of trust.
I hate that I can't believe you when you tell me where you are.
I hate that I question your feelings for me.
I hate when you mention her name.
I hate that you thrust me back into that dark place I thought I had left.
I hate how you made our relationship feel less than adequate.
I hate that I can't ever live up to the relationship you had with her.
I hate that you placed her needs above our relationship.
I hate that I can't look at you the same way.
I hate your dad for what he did to you.
I hate that you underestimated how badly your actions would hurt me.
I hate that you think that just because we talked about the situation, it's resolved.
I hate her for still relying on you.
I hate you for not seeing her unhealthy reliance on you.
I hate that I can't get over the anger.
I hate that I can't forgive you and move on.
I hate that I still want to punish you for what you did.

And I hate that I still love you.