Back to school...

Summer vacation is ending and I'm gearing up for another school year. I am definitely ready to go back to school. I am so tired of not having a reason to get up before noon everyday. All in all, it was a pretty great summer.



I began vacation by a two week party binge which ended a few days before I left for Europe.

I was in Europe for two weeks which was an amazing experience and then came home and was out of commission for a week because I had a severe sinus and upper respiratory infection.

I came home and shortly thereafter began dating a great guy.

I took up a new hobby - wakeboarding.

I had two FANTASTIC birthday celebrations - one with friends and the other with my family.

I fell on the wakeboard and found myself in the emergency room and with more pain killers.

Not too shabby for three months.

I definitely am getting antsy though. I'm ready to have something to do during the day. I feel that my self-esteem has kind of gone downhill in the past week and I'm not sure why. I think it's partly because I'm frustrated with hurting my back again. It took soooo long for my back to recover last time and now I have to go through all that again. And of course, I had to hurt it right before volleyball season. I feel so lazy because all I could do for the past four days is lay in bed with a heating pad on my back, watching tv and playing tetris on my phone. Sounds great? Not so much. It got old after a couple of days. I also think that I'm just bored. I don't feel like I'm really contributing to society at the moment. I don't have anything in my life right now that I can feel I am being successful at. Don't get me wrong, I know that in general, I am successful...but at the current moment, I'm not being very successful. I am definitely procrastinating. It's sad, but I'm tired of shopping (well, right now, shopping isn't so much fun because it takes a LOT of effort to get my clothes off - because of my back, you pervs) and I'm also tired of laying out by the pool - it's way to hot for that now.

It's Been Awhile

So....it's been awhile since I've last blogged and I think the reason is that I have actually been really happy for the past month. It's so easy to sit here and be upset or contemplative or depressed and write a whole long entry voicing my frustrations and complaints but when it comes to being happy and writing about it...it's a lot harder.

For those of you keeping score...if you guessed that my six month break would last three months - you win the prize.

At the beginning of July, I went out on a old guy friend's boat and we kind of fell into each other. He's smart, funny, attractive, ambitious and active. We have a great time together - whether it's out with friends, sitting around watching tv or at the lake. He makes me laugh. And he makes me feel good about myself (not that I need his compliments in order to boost my self esteem, but you know). He makes me want to be myself because that's the person that he's attracted to.

It all sounds so great, right?

Unfortunately, there's always a little snag and this time it's a big snag. He used to date one of my very close friends in high school and on and off after we graduated. I'm not going to get into the details of these relationships right now out of respect for my friend. But I would like her to know, if she's reading, that I'm sorry for the communication issues we had. You know that my intention was never to hurt you. I was scared to talk about him to you because I didn't want you to feel like I was rubbing in your face that we were dating. I understand that right now what you need is space, but I hope that in the future we can rebuild our friendship.

Yesterday was my birthday and I had a GREAT time. Friday, a friend of mine from high school and I celebrated our joint birthdays (his is July 28th) by going to dinner in FW and then to our reserved tables complete with bottle service at a chic bar downtown. It was a pretty great night, unfortunately because of our bill, I will NOT be buying any new school clothes. A lot of people gasped at the amount of money he and I layed down for this party....but the way I see it - this is my first real grown up party. I have worked hard for the past few years graduating college and getting a great paying job doing what I love. Why not celebrate my 24th birthday in style? It's not like I'm ever going to do this again...it's definitely not a weekly thing by any means. I felt like I was not only celebrating my 24th birthday but also the fact that I have reached a point in my life where I can look around and feel satisfied. I cleaned my apartment on my birthday - not exactly glamorous, but it needed to be done. When I was finished and I was getting ready to leave to eat dinner with my parents, brother and his crew, the boyfriend and my fairy godmother and her husband, I looked around my apartment and I was satisfied and proud. The bf and I talked about this the other night on the way home from a very successful trip to the lake for a little wakeboarding (I got outside and back inside the wake and rode the board while he did a turn with the boat!!!). I really have no reason to be upset or depressed about my situation in life. I've got a great family and equally wonderful friends. I found a relationship that I'm really excited about (and the feeling is mutual). I have a great job which provides with an ample salary to keep up a fabulous and spacious apartment, a car payment for my awesome Acura, and a closet full of clothes and shoes. What more could I really ask for?

So, as I stand at the edge of a new year of my life and a new school year....I'm satisfied and optimistic. I am feeling pretty confident that I'm going to be okay.

Crossroads

I had lunch with my brother today and the conversation fell upon an interesting topic.

What I want out of life.

Do I want to settle down right now, or am I enjoying having boy toys?
Ugh...that's a tough one. Of course, it's nice to have a man around to hang out with, to lean on and to spoon with. But at the same time, in order for that to happen...you have to be in a serious relationship with him, right? Or else, it just gets weird and complicated. I have a brothel of men in my life right now that are simply friends...I think. Some of them might have other intentions, but I'm pretending not to have knowledge of those intentions. I enjoy spending time with each of them - drinking, playing video games, going out to eat and shopping. I'm sure that I if I pursued any one of them actively, I could form somewhat of a relationship...but then, I'd be potentially losing a good drinking or shopping buddy. My relationships with men right now are, for the most part, uncomplicated and easy, requiring little emotional effort on my part.

Do I want to get married?
Yeah, probably. But marriage is so...final. I just don't see myself as someone's wife. And I know for sure that I don't want all the hullabaloo that goes along with getting married. We'll see.

Do I want to have kids?
Even more than the wife thing...I know I don't see myself as someone's mother. Not right now, and I don't know if ever.

The thing is...there are so many different paths that my life could still take. Do I want to have a quiet life in the suburbs, driving an SUV and raising my kids? I feel that I would get so utterly bored and disconnected from what makes me happy in life. I'm sure that I could put on the happy face and pretend like I enjoyed the way my life had turned out, but I would bet that on my 40th birthday, I would collapse into tears because I hadn't lived my life the way I wanted. That I had somehow given up on all the personal goals and boundaries that I had set and wanted in my twenties...

So, on the other hand, do I want to have that fast paced, jet setting lifestyle in the big city? As glamorous as a Dallas high rise, BMW's, posh restaurants, and vacations in Tahiti sound...would I eventually become alienated from the type of person that my parents raised me to be? Would I get so obsessed with money, success and keeping up appearances that I would forget to form a lasting relationship with the important people in my life?

I think the bottom line is that I need to figure out the type of person and lifestyle I want to be and to have in ten years. And right now, I don't think that I'm in a place where I want to think that far ahead. I am completely infatuated with the way that my life is running right now. I have a great group of different friends that I can chill at the lake with, or I can party in Uptown with. I am getting to live every different type of possible lifestyle that I could ever want or need. I guess eventually, I will figure out what I want for my future and when I've done that, I will look for someone who has a similar vision.

Fiddle-dee-dee

For some reason, one of my favorite memories from when I was a little girl is being at home alone with my mom, watching Gone With The Wind while she cleaned the house. Even then, there was something about Scarlett O'Hara that simply mesmorized me. At the beginning of the summer, I decided to embark on a rather ambitious task for someone who Cliff Noted her way through high school and college literature classes - I was going to read ALL of Gone With The Wind. Luckily, I had several hours stuck on airplanes to and from Europe to aid me in my quest.

I was pleasantly surprised to find that the book is not only fairly easy to read, but much of the original dialogue from the book was used in the big screen version. More than a relaxing and enjoyable read, I have found that I truly relate to Scarlett. There is something about her that I relate to and strive to be. Obviously, I do not plan on marrying a much older gentleman in the hopes of saving my family's plantation from the greedy hands of the carpetbaggers and scallawags...but there are some other similarities.

Scarlett learns at an early age that there are certain protocols that women of her generation must follow and strictly adhere to. Although she easily adopts the mannerisms which allow her to capture the heart of every beau in the county, there is something empty about the entire process to her. She views her world with skeptic eyes...never quite understanding the reasoning behind certain archaic traditions and eventually arriving at a stage in her life where she blatantly fouts all convention in order to save herself and Tara from poverty. I love her determination and the ferocity with which she attacks her situation in life. There's something about a heroine in a book that refuses to give up or act a certain way just because of what people think she should do that I relate to. And unfortunately, I definitely understand the act of playing the part in order to get men to do things for you. A shy, but genuine smile and the right tone of voice can get you far in life, as I have discovered. I also love how Rhett completely strikes through her "southern belle" facade and respects and loves her for defying the norm.

I only wish that she didn't spend her life wasting her efforts on that waif Ashley.

Now, if only I can find my own Rhett Butler...

I'm back!

Ugh...jet lag sucks.

Alright - here's the rundown on my trip to Europe. This is obviously a shortened version - there are some stories that can only be told in person because they are HILARIOUS.

Amsterdam:
- Saw the Anne Frank House, Van Gogh museum and the Heineken brewery.
- The Dutch men are BEAUTIFUL: tall, slim, great hair and high cheek bones. Sigh.
- Overnight train to Munich: met some other backpackers and sat up til 1 in the morning discussing American foreign politics and other such intellectual topics with them and two old German guys in the dining car.

Munich:
- Went to Dachau Concentration Camp on an incredibly beautiful day. It was insane to think that such disgusting and despicable events were carried out on the same rocks that I walked across. I found out that it is mandated by Germany that all German high school students tour a concentration camp. It was a very surreal experience.
- Went on a bike tour of the city with Mike's Bike Tours. Jumped in a freezing cold river in the middle of Englischer Gardens and then hung out with some guys we met on the tour at a couple of beer gardens. Beer came in LITER glasses. Yum.

Berlin:
- Walked along the East Wall Gallery of the Berlin Wall and went to the Checkpoint Charlie museum.
- Went on another bike tour with Fat Tire Bike Tours and saw the entire city. Most of the city is relatively modern because of the destruction wreaked on the city at the end of World War II.
- Went on a pub crawl with the Fat Tire guys. They took us to an Irish pub and I walked in and the song that was playing? David Hasselhoff's Looking for Freedom, which, ironically enough, was the song that he sang on top of the remains of the Berlin Wall on New Year's Eve in 1989. Those Germans - they LOVE the Hoff. We also went to this AWESOME bar in the former Communist East Berlin. It was five stories of concrete slab with all the walls spray painted. It really made me feel like I was in an illegal and underground bar in East Berlin in the early 1980s. It was so cool.

London:
- I traveled around London mostly by myself because Kristin was working, but I found that I really enjoyed being completely independent in a city that I had never been to.
- Toured Westminster Abbey, walked by the Parliament buildings and Buckingham Palace.
- Toured the Tower of London and St. Paul's Cathedral.
- On Tuesday night, when Kristin had a BP gala that I couldn't go to so I went and saw Les Miserables in the Soho Theater district. It was AMAZING. Definitely the highlight of London for me. I saw it when I was very young and I loved it...I had chills and tears in my eyes the entire time.

There is so much more to tell, but I'm too tired to write it all right now.

The main thing that I came away with from this trip is that I am okay on my own. When Kristin was at her conference, I toured the city and I would get hungry. And I had to sit at a cafe and eat all by myself. Strangely enough, I actually found it very relaxing and comforting. At the end of the trip, I told Kristin this: "I don't know what's waiting for me at home. I don't know what will happen in my love life, but I do know that no matter what, I'll be okay. I'm alright all on my own."

It was a pretty amazing trip. But I am VERY happy to be home. I cried when the plane touched down at DFW. But then again, I cried when the plane took off to London when I left. I cried a lot during the trip. But in a good way.

I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane...

but I do know when I'll be back again.

I'm leaving this afternoon for Europe and I'll be back on June 21st. If I get a chance to sit down at a computer while in Europe, I will try to update this blog. If I can't...then I'll give you all the details when I get home!

Love you all!

The Cheese's Least Wanted

Since I graduated college, I have been forming a little list in my head of people NOT to date. This list includes...

- Fraternity boys, or college guys in general
- Waiters
- Guys that never went to college, or didn't finish
- Anyone under 6'2, which limits my possibilities, but it is important to me

And now I can add another one to the list: BARTENDERS

Yes, yes, I know - this should be a given. But...I like to learn through experience.

Hot bartenders are like animals in the zoo - they're fun to look at and to flirt with, and in my case - a necessity for life, but ultimately, they need to stay in their cage, aka behind the bar.