I a soccer player!

Our girl has made her first foray into the world of organized sports.

Yes.  They have soccer teams for kids under the age of three.

There has been a lot said about starting kids too young in organized sports - they say that kids need unstructured time to run and jump while using their imagination and developing their ideas about social constructs.  As an educator and at the very core, an advocate for the interests of children, I completely understand where people are coming from in this regard.

But...as with anything in life, there is no black and white answer, no overarching rule that applies to everyone, nor is there a one-size-fits-all approach.

We put Natalie in soccer because NATALIE wants to play.  She has lived her entire three years on this Earth going to basketball games, volleyball matches and watching endless hours of sports on the television.  She has wanted so badly to suit up in a uniform, put her hair in a ponytail and PLAY on on a team...just like the big girls she idolizes every Monday and Thursday night at Craig's basketball games.

Of course there are opportunities for girls to receive scholarships for athletics, but that cannot be the main reason we as parents enter our daughters into sports.  There are so many valuable lessons that can be learned on the volleyball or basketball court, soccer pitch, or softball field.  Natalie is learning about having fun, taking turns and working towards a goal...literally and figuratively.

As coaches and lifelong athletes, Craig and I would obviously be thrilled if Natalie's passion and joy in life has something to do with sports, but we aren't placing all our eggs in that basket right now.  We're following her lead - she asked for a team shirt and expressed the desire to play some sort of sport.  

And goodness gracious...she absolutely LOVES it. Nothing makes my heart happier than seeing the pride she has after scoring a goal and the determination on her face when someone else has the ball.  

And then what did we hear the whole way home?  

"I a soccer player.  I a BIG girl."

Thoughts on a Championship

So often in a marriage, you get tied up in the day-to-day survival of being an adult - cleaning up the house, paying bills, cooking meals, keeping track of a schedule and raising a child.  In a world where romantic comedies and Disney princesses tend to live "happily ever after," there seems to be a struggle for many people to rest and find contentment in the ordinary.  But for the most part, Craig and I are good with the "ordinary" because neither of us entered into this covenant with the idea that it would be a magical experience every day.  We both spent so much time in our personal chaos that we relish the calm in our life.  And in this ordinary life we are leading, there is plenty of continual love - the kind of love that is found in discussions while cooking a favorite meal, or by bringing home a surprise Sonic drink after a long day.  We move along from day to day, raising Natalie, doing our jobs and enjoying each other's company....and this is good.  We are good with this.

But then there are those moments in life that take your breath away with the magnitude of HOW.  MUCH.  you love your partner.  When you see them not as the guy who helps empty the dishwasher or reads bedtime stories...but as an amazing human being.

I had one of those overwhelming moments on Friday night.

Craig won another basketball championship this weekend.  And although we have been through several winning seasons together and even the occasional district championship together...there was something different about this win.  The 8th grade girls he coached this year will leave his school and his athletic program never having lost a basketball game in the two years as his players.  

It's not entirely unheard of to do this through a 7th grade year because sometimes a coach can just get a great group of athletes who have skills far beyond their peers.  But by 8th grade, the rest of the district has usually caught up and the girls have a much harder time staying on top than the year before.

Craig and his girls set their eyes on the goal of having an undefeated season ending in another district championship early on in the year...and from that point, the pressure was on.  Every team and coach in the district were gunning to beat them - to have the bragging rights of being THAT team to bit the undefeated district champs.  

And for the most part, no one got close...except for the district championship, of course.  It was a back and forth game, with seven three point shots made, several free throws missed and some terrible calls by the refs.  A tie at the end of the regulation time meant three minutes of overtime - three more minutes for me to stress, chew my fingernails, twirl my hair, yell at the refs and try to calm the butterflies in my stomach.  With ten seconds left, Craig's girls were down by one point but had possession under the basket.  The clock ticked slowly down and I knew this was it...my husband's greatest unspoken fear - that his girls would get all the way to the final game, only to have their goal destroyed by a single loss.  

And then his most talented post got the ball, tossed it up with one second on the clock...and swish...then the buzzer.  The opposing team collapsed in tears and Craig's girls dogpiled in cheers.  

And my husband finally stood up tall on the sidelines and took a deep breath.  It was over.  The girls had done it.  He hadn't let them down.

I teared up as my little girl raced across the court excitedly yelling, "Daddy, you win!  You win, Daddy!"  He swung her up off the ground and our eyes met across the gym.  That's when it hit me.  That surge of pride and admiration and love for the man I get to call my husband.  

All season, we sat every night at the dinner table and discussed the girls...the team...the STREAK...and most importantly, the PRESSURE that it was putting on him and his athletes.  In that moment, all those conversations, the worries, the sheer time and energy he put into crafting his team into back-to-back district champions had paid off.  But it wasn't just the win that got to me, it was the care and consideration he put into his season - he cares about those girls as if they were his own.  He called them on their poor behavior, and mentored them to better choices.  He gave high fives while doling out expectations and consequences.  He pushed them to be better, faster, and more skilled - any other coach would sit back and relax after such a long winning streak, but Craig never let them settle for allowing just "winning" the game to be enough.  Simply put...he is an amazing coach, not just because he understands the game of basketball, but because he understands the brain of a teenage girl and how to reach in there and pull out the highest potential an athlete has to give.

So after team pictures, a bus ride home and a quick change into comfortable clothes, we found ourselves at the local Chili's for a late dinner.  As we were walking in, we could hear his girls before we saw them...in a town like ours, there aren't many choices for an 8:00 dinner with a large group of people.  We got a table by ourselves, but of course he had to go around the restaurant greeting the players and families - only to be met with cheers and a round of applause.  Our dinner consisted of chips with queso, three meals, four adult beverages and one giant dessert - it was a celebration, after all!  

When it came time to pay for this monstrous meal we consumed, our sweet waitress (who knew what we were celebrating and why all those teenage girls had invaded the restaurant) informed us that our entire dinner had been paid for "by the team."  It was at this point that Craig and I teared up for the third time during the course of the evening.  The kindness and gratitude that his girls and their families have shown to Craig over the past two years has been incredible...I know this will be a difficult group to say good-bye to at the end of the year.

These are the moments that make our marriage stronger - when we are able to appreciate the talents of our partner and be proud of the title of husband or wife.  As I sat in the stands (or stood up and yelled at the refs) during the game, I felt the eyes of the crowd upon me.  After the win, I was congratulated on the win and thanked for the efforts of my husband.  I'm proud to have this recognition - win or lose, I am the wife to an amazing man.

Soldier on

Hey Momma in the aisle at Target,

Yeah, you...the one with the cute brunette bob and the round (but tired), blue eyes. The one with the oversized green sweatshirt, who I caught holding your hands to your forehead while speaking tersely to your husband as he tried to calm you down. 

You seemed stressed and a little overwhelmed. 

Your beautiful little girl, who inherited the round, blue beauty of your eyes, well, she was a little squirmy, a little fussy - as toddlers are apt to do during a Sunday afternoon shopping trip. Your handsome son with the Harry Potter glasses was obviously bored and unhelpful...also like young boys are apt to be during a Sunday afternoon shopping trip. 

Our shopping paths crossed several times as we meandered the aisles, both trying to cross things off our list while also wrangling our children...and our husbands. Our eyes met each other frequently and I tried to smile warmly...but I was awkward. That glimpse of the moment with your meltdown in aisle felt like I intruded on a private moment - one of those moments of frustration and weakness all us women try to keep hidden in public. 

I just want you to know that I didn't judge you. I didn't allow that one brief glimpse into your world to define who I thought you must be as a woman, a wife and a mother.  I didn't pity or shame you. I didn't think that I was superior because my daughter was better behaved (at that moment in time).  

What I did instead was say a little prayer. You looked tired, you looked worn out. You seemed frustrated as you rubbed your temples and your husband delicately held your elbows. I prayed that you would make it through the trip relatively unscathed and that you would be blessed with patience and strength to soldier on through the hell on Earth that is Sunday afternoon grocery shopping. Because I have been there. I have been frazzled and frustrated - just trying to survive something that feels like it should be so much simpler than it really is. 

So tired Momma with the bright blue eyes, I hope you're relaxing at home right now. Curled up at the couch with a good book and a fluffy animal keeping your feet warm and your heart full. I hope your little girl went down easily for a long nap, only to wake refreshed and full of delightful sweetness. I hope your young man unloaded groceries in the kitchen and then played quietly with his Skylander figures. I hope your husband continues to be gracious, understanding and supportive. 

I wish you the loveliest of peaceful Sunday afternoons....because God knows, we all need it. 

Soldier on, Momma.

Baby Clothes

Life is funny in the way it works sometimes. Or perhaps I should mention that it's funny how God leaves out little bread crumbs for us that lead us to bigger realizations. 

A few posts back I wrote about the clothes in the attic that were staring me in the face - a visual reminder of the second baby that probably wasn't going to happen. When I wrote those words, I pretty much knew that Craig and I were done having children, but saying that out loud is, for whatever reason, much tougher than silent acknowledgement between two parents. So even though I knew the direction our life was headed, I was still afraid to get rid of the clothes because those baby clothes hold intense memories of joy, frustration, exhaustion and of a pure miracle. 

The light pink sleeper that she wore her first night home. My mother and I swaddled her together, placed her in the bassinet and stared, both of us giddy and emotional from the presence of the next generation of women in our family. 

Her first pair of tennis shoes, given to her by one of my closest friends and my former coaching buddy. The first in a large collection that is filled with Converse and Nike - the kinds of shoes which also fill my closet as well. 

The coming home outfit I bought in 0-3 month size, thinking it would fit a newborn but in reality it was much too big. My abnormal and agitated reaction to dressing her in an ill-fitting coming home outfit was the first sign of darker things to come. I felt like a huge mothering failure for not picking the "right" coming home outfit. Three years later, this seems utterly ridiculous but at the time it was SO. DAMN. IMPORTANT. (And now, I'm just happy if she is dressed in semi-appropriate clothes.)

Birthing a baby and then making it through the first year was no small feat for me. There were day days and long nights. Lots of tears, fears, struggles and fights. So I can't just toss the clothes in a bag and take them to the Goodwill. Getting rid of this baby stuff, for me at least, has to be done in a way that is healing and peaceful.

So yesterday as I was standing in the hall, catching up with the new (pregnant) volleyball coach, I felt a sort of calm come over me and before I knew it, the words "I have a ton of baby stuff for you" came out of my mouth.  And it's true.  I've got loads of toys barely used and clothes hardly worn.  Clothes that need to go and snuggle another precious baby girl...just not one that I give birth to.  

But more than that, in the small moment where we stood in the hall discussing different aspects of pregnancy and motherhood, I felt at peace with our decision for only having our only. Having one child doesn't make me any less of a mother than my friends with four. It doesn't discount the hours I spent cuddling a sick little girl, worrying about her safety or praying for her future. I wanted to be a mother and have a family and I DO. A family doesn't have to match certain specs of size and numbers...a family is defined by the love shown and shared with one another. And sure, in our family two of the people sharing and showing love just happen to have four legs and a tail...but there is love between the five of us and just like there is grace and forgiveness, gratitude and faith. 

As I re-folded and packed all the baby clothes away in the container to haul up to school this morning, I smiled wistfully as I glanced at my own baby, so big and independent at almost-three. I prayed for the new little sweet girl who will inherit these clothes, prayed for a healthy pregnancy and smooth transition to motherhood for her momma. But mostly, I thanked God for the girl he gave me and the peace I have with our decision. 

A New Year, A New Room!

At this point in time, it seems like Craig and I are here in our current house, our current town and current job positions for the long haul.  And in making that decision, I decided awhile back that we need to maximize the space we have in our home.  By all standards, it is a pretty big house - we've got a very open plan in the downstairs with four large and very functional rooms.  Upstairs are two modestly sized bedrooms, our large master suite and a huge playroom for all of Natalie's adventures.

But for all the space we do have, we weren't using it properly.  I'm a firm believer in functionality and purpose - it's not the size of the space, but how you use it that makes the difference.

Having said that, I am probably IKEA's dream consumer.

So with this idea of functionality and purpose, I began crafting an idea for rearranging certain areas of the house so that the needs of our family were better served.  First of all, we do not throw enough parties or eat enough fancy dinners to necessitate three separate dining areas.  

Here is a rough sketch of our downstairs that I made through the free online program, Floorplanner.

Originally when we moved into our home, we had the front study, the formal dining room AND the breakfast area in the kitchen as potential eating places, complete with tables and chairs.  Over time we realized that three dining areas MIGHT be a little excessive for a family of two people, one small child and two lazy dogs.

So things got shifted around.  We sold off one of the tables and chairs, moved the dining set from the study into the formal dining room, bought a few new pieces of office furniture and I've been slowly (as in over the past eight months) putting together a functional, comfortable and overall useful study for us.

But before I really got too crazy with the furniture and design, I needed to think about what purpose this study really needed to serve:

1. Craig has really gotten into the buying, selling and trading of baseball cards and he needs space to store cards, print invoices and package cards to send to buyers.  He also is still scheduling games and referees for local basketball tournaments so he needs an organized space to do that kind of complicated work.

2. Over the years, Craig has collected lots of sports memorabilia, many items of which hold a lot of sentimental value.  I wanted a place to display these items in a manner that wasn't so obvious as a "trophy room" but instead as the backdrop to an area where work and relaxation take place.

3. There are two rooms in our house that we occupy the most - the open living room and kitchen area and our master bedroom.  Both of these spaces have large, flat screen televisions.  As much as I enjoy my DVR, I felt like we all need a space where there isn't a television.  An area where I can curl up with a book, Craig can work on schedules or baseball cards, and Natalie can color, play games or read books.

4. Eventually Natalie will be in school and will come home with homework.  She will need a space to do work on the computer, or a large floor area to create a project.  As one of our personal technology rules for her, there will never be a computer in her room so I felt like we needed to establish an area of the house where work (and eventually, her homework) is completed away from the distraction of toys and television.

So, without further ado...here is the progress on our study thus far:

View into the room through the archway from the foyer.

     

My reading and computer nook.  The general theme for the room is dark brown furniture accented with stark white, steel gray and soft turquoise.  I got the bird canvas on sale at Hobby Lobby and the candle pilaster was a Mother's Day gift from Craig and Natalie.  And of course...the puppy dogs MUST have their space in our new room.

Craig's desk and memorabilia wall.  We bought the desk last summer through Staples, the shelves were a Father's Day gift from IKEA and all the office supplies were either Christmas presents or stocking stuffers.  In the picture on the right, you can see all of Craig's special framed items - his second place medal and team picture from his his run in the state tournament way back when he first started coaching, there's also a piece of the net from when the Dallas Stars won the Stanley Cup, and most importantly, a signed football by Aikman and Staubach that Craig's father gave him before he passed away.

I tried to arrange the shelves in a way that filled up the space without being too cluttered or too "sporty."  There a painting that Natalie created last year, a picture from our trip to the beach last summer, as well as the yearbooks from the three years we worked together at the same school.  And of course...lots of signed sports stuff.

For Christmas we were gifted with some money from my parents and the first big purchase we made in the new year was this Hemnes bookshelf from IKEA.  I definitely wanted something that had doors - more of a cabinet than a true bookshelf - but even more than that, I really liked how only the top few shelves are exposed to the glass and the bottom is covered up.  This allows for a pretty display up above and major organization of baseball cards, family pictures, art supplies, etc. hidden down below.  On the top shelf is another signed football along with some baseballs of Craig's, on the second shelf, I emptied our upstairs bookshelf of some of my hardback books (I took the covers off because I think for display purposes, the naked books look better), a few childhood photos of Craig and myself and then finally signed team photos of Craig's current 7th and 8th graders along with a signed basketball from the University of Texas basketball players.  While we were at IKEA buying the bookshelf, I also stocked up on four gray storage boxes with lids for prettier organization.

And what's missing?  I'm still on the hunt for the perfect second hand side table that I can strip down, paint turquoise and plop a lamp on with a coaster next to my chair.  If I'm going to be reading and typing in this room...I'm going to need a place to put my wine glass.

Although the basic pieces of this room are in place and it is incredibly functional for all of us to use, there are still a few BIG things that we need to address...eventually:

1. Painting the walls a soft gray above the chair rail and a dark gray below.

2. Scraping the popcorn off the ceiling and then replacing the old air vents.

3. Replacing the light that screams "dining room" with a higher placed funky lighting fixture.

4. Pulling up the light colored flooring and replacing it with the same dark manufactured wood flooring that we have in our living room.

5. Finding and hanging curtains - the windows are HUGE and the curtains are going to be a lot of work but I'm thinking of something light, white and very airy.

6. I'd like to put a soft rug in the middle of the floor - something with a mixture of white, gray and a dash of turquoise.

Overall, I am VERY pleased with the progress that we have made in this room and it already has served its many purposes.  As much as I would love to have it all done and perfect RIGHT NOW, with our bank account the way it is right now with a child in day-care and two car payments...well, lets just go with the old saying - good things will come to those who wait.  I know that it this is all just a phase and eventually, we will have the disposable income to do the necessary repairs and updates to our home but in the meantime I will take joy in the little things that we accomplish along the way.

Purgatory

I am in baby purgatory.  Something must be done about this.

See...we have meticulously stored all of Natalie's baby items (clothes, toys, supplies, etc) in the attic build out that is off of the upstairs playroom.  All her clothes are folded in bins and stacked up against the wall.  There is a car seat, her jumper, a few walkers and the Bumbo just sitting in that room, taking space while simultaneously mocking me...tempting me...forcing me to sit in this purgatory, a limbo of sorts.

Craig is pretty firm on the "no more babies" idea for a myriad of reasons - a little bit financial (two years away from NO car payments and NO day-care!) and a lot bit just the overall comfort level of our life right now (no sleepless nights, easy to get up and go, no diapers or bottles).  And for the most part I am right there with him.

But then there is the stuff in our pseudo-attic.

If we keep it around then it signals the idea that we're not really sold on this only-child thing and there is space to change our mind in the future.  But if we get rid of the big ticket items and I cut down the amount of clothes from her babyhood that I save, then it is pretty final that we are done having children.

I can't make either decision.  I hate having all that stuff in that room taking up good, usable space, but I also don't feel like I'm ready, at thirty years old, to say that I will never bear another child.  Either decision is just too, too....final.

And so it all sits there and I just keep the door closed.

Prayers for My Daughter

Like any mother, I pray on a daily basis for my daughter. And like any mother, my gut prayer is for an all-encompassing protection of her life and safety. For some sort of promise from God that she will always be well cared for, well treated and well loved.  

But I know better 

I know that my God doesn't say IF you encounter trials, but instead...WHEN you encounter trials. He is guaranteeing that my beautiful, innocent daughter will someday grow up and experience the wrath, hatred, jealousy and evil this world has to offer. 

It is not a question of IF she will be hurt, mistreated and broken....but WHEN.  There will come a day when my daughter is down on her knees, broken from the weight of the world, from the devastation of life and the emptiness in her heart. And no amount of fervent prayers will protect her from those trials. 

So instead of setting myself up for disappointment and frustration with God (Why didn't you protect her? Were you not listening to me?), I must instead change my prayers. 

I have to pray for the inevitable. 

I must pray for her courage to walk head first into the unknown. I must pray for wisdom to guide her path and enlighten her heart...and even the wisdom to know when to walk away. I must pray for her strength - that she know the measure of her worth and the power of her voice. 

I must pray, not that she escapes the storms of life, but that she has the fortitude to withstand them. And more importantly, for her relationship with God so that she find sanctuary in his arms when the seas get rough. 

Halloween

My little Doc McStuffins ready to Trick or Treat.

She was fully engaged in the Halloween events this year - from the pumpkin patch with good friends to dressing up as her favorite Disney Junior character, Natalie totally GOT the whole concept this year.  And most importantly, I was there this year to experience the whole thing with her - not like last year when I was at a volleyball game.

We had a few of our coaching buddies and their kiddos come over for pizza before trick or treating around our neighborhood, which has quickly become a tradition in the past few years.  Our neighborhood has tons of young children and teenagers - it's the type of place where the parents sit out in the driveways with buckets of candy for the kids and an open cooler of beverages for the parents.

Following the big kids from house to house.

Digging into her candy haul at the end of the night.

Celebrating Halloween with her this year was just a glimpse into how much fun Christmas is going to be this year.

Perfection: A Series

The topic this week at Bible Study touched on a word that is near and dear to my heart. A word that encompasses both my greatest asset and my Achilles heel. Something that has created all my success but also catapulted me to the brink of self-destruction. 

Perfection....the pursuit of being perfect. 

Imagine my surprise as other members of my small group scoffed at the idea of striving for perfection. The idea of having everything in their life "just so" never occurred to me. 

It was like seeing a unicorn....a mystical creature I didn't think even existed. 

You mean, there are people in this world who don't feel the compulsion to straighten every tilted picture frame?  Or fold their underwear and keep their closets in impeccable (organized) order? Or who mentally flog themselves for the slightest imperfection on an email or assignment?

I was floored. I've lived this way for so long that up until a few years ago, I didn't know there was another option. 

The option to just be. 

To be messy, to be flustered, to enjoy the freedom of saying "I don't know exactly what I'm doing, but it's okay, I'll figure it out."  The peace that comes with rolling with life's experiences and chalking up a catastrophe to "a lesson learned."

In many coaching office chats with my dear friend, Shemika I discovered something about myself. My extreme and unwavering desire for perfection shut me off from the world. It created a persona that I was better than other people, that I had my act together and looked down upon those who didn't. And honestly, who would want to be friends with a person who seemed to be perfect, thus shedding light on your own obvious IMperfections? 

For all my painful self-examinations over the course of my life....I had never encountered that particular perspective. I had never had myself reflected back in such a way. 

When Shemika (kindly) pointed this persona out to me, my mouth hung open and I stuttered, "but you KNOW that I KNOW that I'm not perfect, right!" I desperately plead my case. "I have a terrible temper and I lose patience far too easily!  Sometimes I talk too much and can be self-centered!" 

Shemika smiled gently and began, "well, I know that, but..."

I didn't let her finish. "I'm not perfect! I CAN'T EVEN BAKE COOKIES OR KEEP A PLANT ALIVE!"

Then she laughed at me and gave me a hug while my shoulders fell in defeat. I knew she was right. I could see the reflection in the mirror she held up to me. 

For whatever reason, the face I show to the world isn't of gentle sweetness or kind gentility. It's cold and judgmental perfection.  And that is not the person I want to be. I want to display genuine and sincere authenticity. I want to celebrate my strengths through embracing weaknesses.

Lazy Weekend

It's been one of THOSE kinds of weekends. When everything seems to fall in place....the weather, the mood...the behavior of your toddler. 

It's just been a perfect two days. 

It all started on Friday night as Craig, Natalie and I headed up to the Varsity volleyball game and I was inundated with not one, or two but no less than 10 of my former students coming from across the gym to give hugs, sit down and catch up. This is when all the parent conferences, Saturday morning lesson planning and endless professional in-services pays off - when I can see and feel the impact I've had on kids....because they want to come back and see me. When they feel such a strong bond with me that they want to fill me in on their life since middle school. Forget the standardized testing, forget the school ratings....THIS is how I am judged ASAP teacher - by the lives I have touched and the students I have impacted. 

Saturday started out pretty lazy with some pancakes and cartoons, ending with my college roommate, Lauren and her husband and son coming over for appetizers, pizza, football and drinks. Although our evening ended at nine (instead of starting at 10:00!), there were great conversations, lots of laughs at two toddlers figuring each other out, and a certain coziness emanating through our home.  

Sunday has found us going grocery shopping, lazily decorating for Halloween, playing on the patio in the fabulous fall weather and now sitting on the couch, eating chips and dip while watching football.  

And although my lessons are ready to go, but my laundry is piling up...my soul is calm and satisfied. This is why I quit coaching...so that I could slow down my life and enjoy the littlest moments with my not-so-little girl.

"Momma!" She exclaimed, "We match!"

And speaking of that not-so-little girl, if you ask her, she is most certainly NOT a baby, but a BIG girl. She is a potty-trained, skinny jean wearing, imaginary playing, number counting....pre-schooler. 

And as I whispered in her ear last night as we prayed before bedtime, I am so glad she's mine. 

Safe and Sound

I spent Saturday morning holding my godson, watching my daughter play with his older sister while I chatted with their mother, Kate.  

In a moment of freedom, Kate ran downstairs to grab milk and oranges for the girls while I snuggled Sam on the couch.  

While she was gone, I realized what had just happened and I teared up.

I had taken care of a little boy who wasn't mine by blood, or even by marriage.  Just the very special baby of a very special friend.  

He was offered to me to hold by his momma who needed a physical break to sit on the floor and play with her daughter and goddaughter.  While Kate engaged the girls with blocks and kitchen toys...and then broke up disagreements regarding ownership of said blocks and kitchen toys, Sam and I cuddled up and got comfortable.  

Quickly he realized that I was NOT Momma.  That newborn little face started to wrinkle up and his pink lips began to quiver.  

Oh no.

Please, no.

Don't cry little guy.  Don't wail.  I can't calm you down.  I can't do it.  I can't take care of a baby.  It will be embarrassing.  I will have to hand you over while I suffer through my anxiety attack.  People will wonder why I ever had a child to begin with.

But then something clicked.  He cried and I shushed.  He wailed and I bounced.  He calmed and I soothed.

And then he snuggled and slept.

And I cried.

Thank you, my dear godson.  Thank you for being you and trusting that I am capable of comforting and safe enough to snuggle.  

And thank you, my dear Kate for allowing me the honor of calling this precious child my godson.

The Girl and the Chair

Dear Natalie,

This morning you balled up your fists tightly next to your skinny waist and yelled "NO" at me through a scrunched red face. As soon as your voice left your mouth, you got quiet and your eyes grew round. Stunned by the power of your own voice, the strength of your desires and the effect your words have on other people. 

I stood very still as I contemplated my next move. Discipline....yes. That needed to occur. But I had to steady my reeling emotions before I grasped you too hard or spoke too harshly. 

But within the anger and frustration that swelled in my throat, also resided a sense of accomplishment and pride. Because, you see, you were annoyed that I had foiled your plans by asking you to drag your chair back to the table in your playroom, when you were about to enact your clever scheme. 

I had placed the iPad just out of your reach on the bedroom bookshelf, in what surely must have appeared as an exciting challenge to you, instead of an impossible obstacle.  But you didn't just throw yourself on the ground in another toddler tantrum. No. You, my dear, saw the bigger picture and hatched a plan. You gathered your materials quietly and set your eyes on the prize. For this fact, I am deeply proud. 

I see a little girl emerging that has confidence in herself combined with cunning intelligence and little to no fear. This combination is wildly unpredictable, completely impossible to stop and sometimes even dangerous. 

I am more than okay with this. 

Because someday, honey, there will be a time when someone tells you, "you can't do that."  They will challenge your intelligence, doubt your capabilities and mistrust your intuition.  They will discourage you from grabbing that chair, they will insist that you will get hurt, or that they have a far superior plan.  

This is when I am begging you to ball up your fists and shout, "No!"  Give them that same determined glare you gave me this morning. The one that is frighteningly fierce and warns of impending doom if anyone were to get in your way. 

Then climb on the damn chair and leave them standing in your shadow. 

With love from your fellow chair climber, 

Momma

Teacher Style Week Three

Here we are at the end of the third week of school....which, if you're curious, has been the hardest one to date. Perhaps it was the end of the honeymoon period for the kids, or maybe it was the two tests I gave, but I am WIPED OUT. Our Friday night consisted of dinner at Chilis and taking in the varsity volleyball game. Craig is currently fighting the bedtime battle with Natalie and I'm not far behind. My DVR and cozy pillows are calling my name. 

But first, here is what I wore this week.  

Gray pants found on sale (buy one, get one free) at New York and Company outlet store. 

Purple ruffled tank bought a few years ago from Ann Taylor Loft outlet. 

Black sweater from Old Navy? Maybe? Not really sure...I've had it a LONG time. 

The shoes are chunky heeled, round toe patent leather with a fun stitched pattern - and actually fairly comfortable!

Necklace is from Charming Charlie's. 

Hair was down and straight. 

Ugh. Tuesday was rough. Natalie had been up and down all Monday night so this outfit was thrown together in a rush because I was dragging to get out of bed. 

White sweater from Ann Taylor outlet. 

Black pants bought full price (but totally worth it) from The Limited. 

The turquoise flats were actually my wedding shoes that I wore under my dress!

My necklace is from Charming Charlie's and my bangs were proofed and then pinned back. 

SPIRIT DAY!

Skinny jeans from Old Navy. 

A Rangers Napoli shirt (shout out to my Grandma) from Dick's Sporting Goods. 

Black leather sandals from Old Navy. 

Hair is in an easy wet bun. 

Fun, fun fun! I loved this outfit because it was a little out of my comfort zone, but at the same time...it made me feel pretty fabulous. 

Necklace from Charming Charlie's.

Pink shirt bought on sale at Ann Taylor Loft outlet. 

Skirt was $30 on clearance at White House,Black Market! And has pockets!

Spes bought two years ago at DSW. 

Hair was normal. 

I got three compliments on this shirt before the school day even officially got started!  Craig bought it for me for my birthday....from Anthropologie. I know. It was a splurge,but I absolutely adore it. It's a breezy material but with lots of fun designs and details. He did a great job picking it out. 

White camisole from Target, skinny jeans from Target and earrings from New York and Company. Instead of a boring old ponytail, I stole a look from my students and braided my bangs back and gathered them into my ponytail holder. It was easy but still something a little different from my normal look. 

So....I've realized that I have a minor addiction to Ann Taylor. And is it weird that I know exactly where I bout EVERY single item of my clothes?!

And do you like my designs on the photos? Check out the photo editing app called Rhonna Designs. It does cost a small amount, but it is GOOD. Better than Instagram and My Beautiful Mess. I bought it for free a few days ago through the Apps Gone Free app which features apps that normally cost something but are currently free through iTunes. Kind of like Groupon for apps. 

Alright. That's enough for tonight. It's 9:15, which is fifteen minutes past my bedtime. 

Three Weeks In

Looking through my recent posts....and even so at the endless list of unfinished drafts that have accumulated in my Blogger homepage, it's obvious to me that the school year is definitely upon us. 

I'm two days away from submitting my first progress reports as a full-time math and algebra teacher. Tomorrow marks the second volleyball game for my 8th graders. Open House has come and gone and today I finished up grading the first official math test of the new school year. 

Despite the warm temperatures, fall is in full swing and life is hitting the high gear. 

Here in our home, we are chugging along, all of us adjusting to the new schedule in our own way.  Here are just a few of the highlights.

We had to buy a new car seat (Graco Nautilus) for Natalie to use in my car so that her feet and knees wouldn't hit the back of my seat. Craig also needed a seat in his car for the days when I just can't leave work before five o'clock. 

Yes. I know that I quit coaching n order to be at home more and not spend so much time at school....but if I'm going to take on the responsibility of teaching 8th grade math and algebra, then I'm going to do it right. And sometimes, doing it right means staying late after school to plan lessons, grade papers or give tutorials. 

I started back up with Bible Study in my little town, which is led by the uber talented Jen Wilkin, who happens to be the sister-in-law of one of my dearest friends, Emily. It's two hours of fellowship and faith with similarly minded women every Tuesday night....and it is wonderful. My brain loves a good challenge and as challenging as planning curriculum and managing the education of 150+ students is....I need something that is both challenging AND spiritually fulfilling. 

Natalie has been having night terrors lately which basically consist of her waking us up around midnight with screaming sobs, only for us to find her out of bed and huddled on the floor behind her door, dripping in sweat and shaking. No wonder the little dear has such a fear of bedtime! We had a "come to Jesus" about her bedtime antics the other night (after we had battled her whack-a-mole routine for an hour) and all I can say is THANK GOODNESS for language skills! She was able to tell us that she gets scared at night because of dreams....and because Mommy and Daddy get mad at her for being out of bed. Ouch. Hearing that come out of the mouth of your precious, innocent child is a swift kick in the gut. Needless to say, our bedtime routine AND expectations have changed. No more frustration (at least visible to her), no more closed doors, no more raised voices. Just loving cuddles, lots of stories, a cracked door and the hall bathroom light left on. Hopefully this will help soothe her troubled sleeping pattern. 

All through the past three weeks of school, I've been asked by students, co-workers and parents.....DO I MISS COACHING?  And at the end of the first week, as I exited the building at 4:45 to go have a relaxing evening with my family while the volleyball team practiced until well past 5:30....the answer was and still is a resounding NO. The truth is, if I had to have coached this year, I would have done it to the best of my ability because that's the kind of team player that I am.  But as I sat in the stands last week watching the first game for my 8th graders, I felt relieved. I now have the fun job - I sit, I watch, I cheer and I congratulate. That's it. I can marvel in their talent and tell them how proud I am of their accomplishments. I don't have to worry about playing time or skill development, inter-team squabbles or outsmarting the opponent. I just get to be encouraging and supportive. THAT is a role that I can wholeheartedly sink my teeth into. 

So I guess life is pretty good right now. Sure there are the daily stresses of juggling laundry, meals, housework, child care and some semblance of a romantic marriage, but when I lay my head on my pillow at night....I'm content. 

Teacher Style Week 2

This week was all about repurposing items in my closet that I already had and combining them to make fun new outfits. The weather here in north Texas is still pretty warm (okay, HOT) so I'm sticking with capris and light fabrics for the time being. 

Tuesday

Blue faux denim tunic - bought last summer from Old Navy

White Capri pants - bought on sale from Ann Taylor last summer

Black rope sandals - Target

Hair - just straightened and normal

Wednesday - this outfit was probably the one I got complimented on the most and the hilarious thing is that I've had all these things FOREVER!

Cream flower shirt - found on sale at Ann Taylor a LONG time ago

Brown belt - bought at Kohl's two years ago

Black cotton skirt (with pockets!) - I have no idea where I got it but I know that I wore it while I was pregnant with Natalie because its soft and stretchy. 

Brown sandals - purchased a few years ago from Old Navy

Gold and pearl necklace - birthday present

Hair - parted down the middle and then pulled back and put half up. 

This outfit was a risk for me I wasn't sure how my breaking the "no black and brown together" would go, but I think because I neutralized them with the gold and cream...it turned out pretty cute! And even better than that....it was super comfortable!

Thursday

Pink pants - again, I found them on sale at Ann Taylor last year (apparently Ann Taylor is my go-to sport for cheap(er) Capri pants!)

Black striped shirt - um.....again, Ann Taylor outlet store at Grapevine Mills

Charcoal cropped jacket - found a few years ago at Kohl's

Black flats - bought last year from DSW

Turquoise necklace - Charming Charlie's 

Hair - "bangs" pulled up and pinned back in a mini-Snooki poof

Ahhhh Friday!  Jeans day means cropped skinny jeans (really just skinny jeans that shrunk but still fit everywhere else), my favorite FMS shirt (because it lists all the running awards we earned during my time coaching) and the comfiest of shoes - my blue canvas Toms. 

Hair - put up in a wet bun, straight out of the shower

Next week brings with it the highly anticipated start of middle school football...because it means an extra day of wind pants (disguised as Spirit Day) and/or a fun dress up day to show our support for the school. 

Teacher Style

School started this week and overall...it's been pretty good.  Of course, I've been a little stressed getting all my ducks in a row and making sure that I've covered all my bases for six different classes.  BUT.  I get to work at 7:45 and leave by 4:45.  Every single day.  This fact alone makes up for the fact that I now have to worry about Special Ed accommodations, preparing students for a state standardized test and having to manage the grades for over 150 students.  

Not once this week (even with volleyball try-outs going on) did I ever regret or second-guess my decision.  Nope.  There is no doubt in my mind or heart that I made the right decision, not just for my family but for ME.  

I love being in the classroom.  I love having my own space.  I love being a teacher.

But I also love wearing "real" clothes to work....and that's the most important thing, obviously.  So without further ado, let the teacher fashion show commence.

My teaser Instagram picture of my accessories for the first day of school.

Shoes: $40 at DSW

Bracelet: birthday gift

Earrings: birthday gift (from Francesca's boutique)

Necklace: surprise vacation gift from Craig

Here is my super professional outfit for the first day of school.

Deep royal blue dress from New York & Company for $15!  

(It was such a great deal that I bought it in black, naturally.)

Wednesday's outfit

Black dress capris from New York & Company - another great sale, they were two for one so I also have them in gray!

Shirt from The Limited

Necklace from Charming Charlie's

Heels....rescued from the depths of my closet and brought out of retirement.

Full disclaimer: No.  The heels did not last all day at school.  Here is the trick - heels in the hallway and slippers in the classroom.

All week long I got comments from students and teachers alike, all exclaiming how strange (but nice) it was to see me in "real" clothes and not athletic shorts and t-shirts.  And let's be honest - I still totally love my comfy clothes, but it's nice to pull out all my fabulous dresses, heels and jewelry from my closet and show them off.

I Do.

To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

These are the words that Craig and I spoke to each other three and a half years ago in front of family and friends, prompted by the husband of my best friend.  I have no problem admitting that at the time, these vows were just words - the things I had to say in order to sign my marriage license.  It wasn't that I didn't take them seriously, it's that I had the naivete and general blind confidence of a blushing bride and almost newlywed.  I walked down that aisle and said those vows with an air of "no big deal...we GOT this."  

I'm not sure what I thought marriage was going to be....an extension of the fairytale we lived in the months of dating that led up to our wedding?

But here I am.

It's three and a half years later and I'm trying to wrap my brain around that one little sentence we recited to each other on the day of our gorgeous outdoor wedding on a sunny day in March of 2010.

We've done the sickness and health bit.  I had an appendectomy, a c-section and a debilitating bout with Postpartum Depression.  Craig has had multiple knee scopes, a shoulder surgery and his gall bladder removed.  We have figured out how to nurse each other back to health pretty easy.

Then there is the better, worse, richer and poorer part.

That's where we are at right now.

I don't generally write about our marriage very much because, quite frankly...there's not a whole bunch to talk about.  We are generally agreeable with each other.  There aren't any major disagreements or outbursts.  We approach life as a team and rarely do we bicker or fight.

And we're definitely not bickering or fighting right now even though by all accounts, we certainly should be.

But we do have our backs against the wall.  We are the epitome of the old cliche, "between a rock and a hard place."  Tough decisions have been made and although it was the right choice...it was a difficult one.

One that affected my husband far more than it did me.

And that's where I'm learning about "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer" part of marriage.  This is where I'm learning about my realm of control - I can't fight his battles for him, nor is it my job to do so.  But I can be supportive and appreciative.  I can listen when he needs to vent and I can give advice when asked.  I can remind him of the reasons I love him - his loyalty, generosity, sense of humor and dedication.

And of course, those sparkly blue eyes and gorgeous blond curls.

As with everything, this is simply a season in life and it too shall pass.  We will hold steadfastly to each other through this storm and then someday when the seas are calm, we will look back and understand that the storm was instrumental in creating a solid marriage.

Tuesday Nights

This was the scene in my bed tonight as Natalie watched The Lion King with the requisite blankie and stuffed animals. 

At one point Craig was also on the bed, curled up with our little girl in between us. He looked over at me, smiled and wryly said, "did you ever imagine that this would be your Tuesday nights?"

I know what answer he expected me to give. Something about my younger (wilder) days. About happy hours and control of the remote. Times spent with fabulous dinners, delicious drinks and all my friends.  For me to wax poetic about coming home to a quiet, peaceful apartment where my only plans included a drink and a good book. 

But that wouldn't be the truth. 

I looked back at him, glancing past my two pups and the curly headed girl immersed in her "baby lion" movie and I said, "yes, this is actually exactly what I imagined."

It's certainly not glamorous or fancy....but it's home.

Our Last Day...

We spent the last day of our summer vacation....

in pajamas.

watching multiple movies.

swimming in a chilly pool.

taking a nap on the couch with Angie.

getting Chili's To-Go.

sipping on a cocktail.

not making beds and not doing laundry.

And it was perfect.

We are ready for the school year.......I think.

On the Eve of Thirty

So here I am on the edge of thirty...less than twelve hours away, actually.

I'm sitting in bed with a beautiful little girl who is curled up with her favorite stuffed animals under a blanket watching The Jungle Book.  My husband of three years is sitting on the computer downstairs, presumably working on something related to the sale of baseball cards on eBay.  I live in a spacious three bedroom, two and one half bath home that has an awesome playroom for my girl upstairs.  In the upcoming month I will enter my ninth year of teaching in the same district who hired me straight out of college.  Although not large, I have a wonderful group of friends with whom I share a unique bond with each and every one.

Ten years ago...

I was a single Pi Phi girl living in an apartment near the University of North Texas with my very good friend, Elaine.  There were lots of men in town, but none that were really worth keeping around for longer than a few months.  Elaine an I lived in a modestly furnished two bedroom, two bathroom apartment that was close enough to campus so that we could both walk to our classes.  I was about to start my junior year of college and was entering the true "education" portion of my college degree while also working as an after-school day care worker.  I knew the life I eventually wanted to live but I had absolutely no idea as to how I would get there.

But yet, ten years later...here I am.  With everything I ever envisioned I wanted...sitting in the palm of my hand.  It was my degree in education at North Texas that led me to student teaching in my current district which ended up in my hired position at my old school.  That's where I met Craig which turned into a marriage and a transfer to my current job as well as the beautiful girl that I have the pleasure to call my own.

Looking back it's amazing to me the amazing adventures (and misadventures) that took place in a mere ten years.

As I sit here tonight, I am far more emotional about my 30th birthday than I ever imagined I would be.  I'm not sad and I'm not depressed but instead I'm overwhelmed at the many different facets of love I have in my life.

There is the unconditional love I feel from my parents - a love I truly didn't understand until I gave birth to Natalie.

There is the day-to-day love I share with Craig as well as the I'm-with-you-until-your-dying-day passion that I have for him.

I have my close group of friends, with each of whom I share the most unique and intimate relationship - in a different way, they each fill my soul with so much laughter, support and joy.

And then even on top of the love I have for my friends, it's amazing to me how much I adore their children...I didn't give birth to any of them, but yet my heart swells with pride and love when I am with them just the same as with my Natalie.

Then there are the puppy dogs who show such love and devotion to me, but who have absolutely no idea how much peace and comfort they also provide.

And then with my students...I never knew that I could love and care for the children of strangers as much as I do.  If you are in my school then I care about your education and your overall well-being.

Which brings me to Natalie.  I look at her and I am absolutely amazed.  She is not only incredibly gorgeous and smart but funny and athletic as well.  And I helped to create her.  What in the hell did I do in my life that was so awesome as to deserve such an amazing creature for a daughter?!

Above all, there is a God that has given me the gift and grace of life here on Earth.  He alone has provided me the brains the the brawn to go after what I wanted, whether it was a husband or a job...and the sensibility to know when to stop looking and just be content with what I was given.

So I guess that's all I have to say about my 30th birthday.  Thanks for all the love I've been shown in my life - hopefully I can repay it in my next 30 years.