August 2011

The next few posts I'm going to be linking up with Robin at Farewell Stranger who writes a beautifully personal PPD blog.  She's doing a series of blog posts which look back at the wonderful moments of the past year despite struggling through motherhood and PPD.  I'm doing this series along with her because I desperately want to remember the first year of Natalie's life as something positive and beautiful instead of full of pain, frustration, anger, anxiety and darkness.

VEGAS BABY!

Craig and I absolutely love Vegas - it's where we go to relax.  Yes.  Relax.  We aren't the people trashed at the roulette table at 4:00 in the morning.  We spent the three days and two nights that we were there eating delicious dinners and getting pampered at the spa.  He might not seem like the type....but Craig loves getting massages.  Who knew?!  

Going out to dinner on the last night - my birthday present from Craig was getting my hair and make-up done professionally!

The view of the strip from our hotel room at the Encore.

Inside the Venetian along the shopping mall.

Oh hey there Matthew.

And a hello to you too Justin T.

Craig and his favorite athlete, the incomparable Michael Jordan.

Yeah right.  Nice try Craig.

OTHER STUFF HAPPENED TOO....

My middle brother Mike came and visited and spent time with Natalie.

Craig and I went back to school and Natalie went full-time to Ms. Rebecca's house during the day.

Natalie learned how to sit up on her own - this was such a relief because I could sit her down and give her toys to play with and that made for a much happier baby girl.

See?!  Playing with her dolls in bed.

My third nephew was born on August 22nd - Ian Andrew.  Here are my parents with all four of their grandchildren - Alexander, now 8; Ford, now almost 5; Natalie, now almost 10 months and Ian, now 4 months.

Playing on her four wheeler at Granddaddy and Nonna's house.

Sadly, I think that going back to work full-time helped me to feel more like myself and I was excited about seeing Natalie at the end of the day and I was absolutely a better mother to her in the evenings and on weekends.  There's a lot of disagreement behind some mothers that are firmly in the "stay at home with the children otherwise why did you even decide to have children if you're going to allow someone else to raise them" camp and those mothers that work because they have to for financial reasons ore even because *gasp* they enjoy their career.  I work for a little of both - Craig and I are definitely more financially stable on two incomes and I chose to become a teacher because I enjoy working with students.  I knew that I wasn't cut out for staying at home with Natalie full-time - it's just not how God made me.  For the longest time, I thought that because I wasn't "made" to stay home with her that he had made a mistake by even giving me a child to begin with.  But that's just not the case - God created me to be so much more than just one child's mother.  I am a friend, a sister, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a teacher, a coach, a co-worker....and most importantly, I'm ME.

July 2011

The next few posts I'm going to be linking up with Robin at Farewell Stranger who writes a beautifully personal PPD blog.  She's doing a series of blog posts which look back at the wonderful moments of the past year despite struggling through motherhood and PPD.  I'm doing this series along with her because I desperately want to remember the first year of Natalie's life as something positive and beautiful instead of full of pain, frustration, anger, anxiety and darkness.

A TOUGH MONTH

Natalie and her oldest cousin Alexander.  I love all three of my nephews, but there will always be a special spot in my heart for Alex.  I was around him a lot when he was a baby since I went to college in the same town where he, my brother and my sister-in-law lived.  He was the first person that I would really know for their whole life and I was just enamored with him.  Now as an eight year old in second grade, he is incredibly intelligent and such an amazing big cousin to Natalie.  He is gentle, nurturing and shows such love for her.  I can't believe that it's been eight years since I first held him when he was only a few hours old.

One of the weekends that Craig was away at the basketball tournament, I went and stayed the night at my parent's house.  This was partially due to the fact that I was terrified of being alone with Natalie for long periods of time - for whatever reason, I didn't trust myself to take care of her properly.  My parents and I went to church on Sunday and Natalie was of course a perfect angel and fell asleep mid-mass.  You can't see them here, but she is wearing shoes from when I was a baby.

Cuddling with Angie, Andy and Annabelle at my parent's house in the back bedroom.  Angie is such a good big sister to Natalie.  

First time eating rice cereal!  This was such a relief - I was obsessed all summer with the fact that Natalie wasn't sleeping through the night and I thought that it was because I wasn't feeding her enough.  I figured that if we fed her some rice cereal that it would fill up her belly and she (and we) would sleep through the night.  Unfortunately that wasn't the case but the good news is....Natalie is a great little eater.

After Craig came home from the tournament he wanted to buy something special for Natalie and we went and purchased her jumper.  It was so great to be able to place her in the jumper and then sit down at the dinner table the two of us and actually eat a proper meal without having to jump up and take care of the baby.  This little piece of plastic helped to save my sanity.

One of my all-time favorite photos of her.  Those big blue eyes with the slightest hint of a grin.

July was a tough month because it was the time in which I figured out that the grace period for having just the "baby blues" was over and that something more serious was going on inside my body.  I honestly believed that once school was out and Craig was home with me that I would feel better.  But I never did....at least not genuinely.  I would have great days but I didn't trust them - I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop and for me to retreat back to my foggy island, which always happened.  One of the weekends that Craig was gone and I was home alone just so happened to be the time of my worst moments....I had such an emotional breakdown and he wasn't there.  He was up at the tournament and said he couldn't leave.  Still to this day, that's a point of contention between the two of us because in my mind, if I knew that the safety and well-being of my partner and child were at stake, I could leave a basketball tournament in the hands of my two business partners and come home.  I guess I'm still a little hurt at the fact that he "chose" basketball over me at the point when I needed him the most.  But then again, maybe it was for the best - I was forced to pick myself up off the ground (figuratively and literally) and figure out how to get through the evening.  This was the month that I finally accepted what was going on and I sought help through the guidance of a close friend of mine.  I guess July was a turning point - the point in time where I decided to fight back and try to crawl my way out of the deep hole I had dug for myself.

June 2011

The next few posts I'm going to be linking up with Robin at Farewell Stranger who writes a beautifully personal PPD blog.  She's doing a series of blog posts which look back at the wonderful moments of the past year despite struggling through motherhood and PPD.  I'm doing this series along with her because I desperately want to remember the first year of Natalie's life as something positive and beautiful instead of full of pain, frustration, anger, anxiety and darkness.

SUMMERTIME!

After the longest school year EVER, it was finally time for a much needed break from work.....but this time with help at home since Craig wouldn't be working either.

Craig was so excited to take Natalie to her first basketball camp (ran by his sister of course) and I was just excited to dress her up cute.  So what if I bought the Under Armour onesie in the boys department?  I dressed it up with a bow and her super awesome pink Converse.

This might be my favorite picture of Craig and Natalie to date.  He and I were just hanging out in our bedroom on the blanket with her.....just playing and interacting as a family.  I love the look on her face, like she's saying "Mom?  Is THIS the guy you chose to be my daddy?"  I love her little heart shaped chin and wide eyes.  She might have her Daddy's blue eyes, but she's already got her Momma's attitude.

Happy girl.  By June we were starting to see more and more of her personality with lots of little grins and almost giggles.  Even so young, she was shy at first with new people and didn't give up a grin easily.

Craig's first Father's Day.....the first Father's Day he's been able to celebrate in nine years.  I made sure that we made it all about him and Natalie and I even ran a special errand to get him the baseball cards that he really likes.  I love this moment - he is explaining the cards to her and she is just listening intently.  And those little toes just kill me!

One of my favorite things about having a daughter is definitely the clothes and the bows.  Craig and I received so many outfits throughout all our showers and she was completely set with clothes for the first six months of her life.  

And then there were these afternoons....lazy, warm, perfect for a nap....summertime afternoons.

June was easier because Craig was home more and I didn't feel as "trapped" in the house with her but a new feeling was sinking in - the perpetual feeling of "not good enough" that has plagued me since I was young.  I knew the type of precious gift I had been given and I just wanted to do everything perfectly for her so that I gave her the best start in life.  I take all the jobs in my life very seriously.....I guess it's that perfectionism that has made me somewhat successful.....but this job was the ultimate - I put so much pressure on myself to be the perfect mother, wife, daughter, daughter-in-law, friend, sister, teacher....everything.  It was so exhausting.

May 2011

The next few posts I'm going to be linking up with Robin at Farewell Stranger who writes a beautifully personal PPD blog.  She's doing a series of blog posts which look back at the wonderful moments of the past year despite struggling through motherhood and PPD.  I'm doing this series along with her because I desperately want to remember the first year of Natalie's life as something positive and beautiful instead of full of pain, frustration, anger, anxiety and darkness.

BACK TO WORK!

The month of May ushered in the end of my maternity leave and the move to Washington state of my best friend Amy.  I had mixed feelings about going back to work - I was happy to return to my job and see my kids and coworkers, but at the same time I felt guilty for being happy about going back to work because essentially, didn't that mean by default I was HAPPY to be away from my child for eight hours a day?

Sometime in May Natalie started giving us big grins which made her seem like more of a "real" person.

This was taken on one of the countless days that my mother and father came over to help out with tasks around the house.  At this point in time, my child did not look anything like me and was still a carbon copy of her daddy.  As she has grown her face shape and facial expressions are much more like momma's than daddy's.  Oh.  And there's that whole "top 97th percentile for height" thing that resembles me too.

I was a complete and total water baby (and still am) and my mother first put me in the water when I was about nine months old (I'm an August baby).  Some of the best memories I have of summers in Texas while growing up were of my mother, my grandma and myself all spending hours swimming around in the pool as well as playing Little Mermaid with my friend Kate.  Unfortunately due to Kate's natural red hair, she ALWAYS got to be Ariel but not to be left out, I was her equally beautiful sister.  Craig and I put Natalie into the pool over Memorial Day weekend and she seemed to really like the water!  Bath time is a favorite of hers because she loves to splash around so I'm hoping that she'll be a little fish just like me, her Nonna and her Great Grandma.

One of the best things about May was sending Natalie to her baby-sitter Ms. Rebecca and her doing wonderfully while I was at work.  I didn't want to be the mother of the child who screamed and cried the entire time that I was away from her so I was very pleased when Natalie was adaptable to all different types of caretakers.  Plus, at Ms. Rebecca's house there are lots of older boys to be her "big brothers" during the day who will teach her all sorts of neat (and some not so neat) things.

I think it was around this time that Craig was starting to sense that something was not right with his wife but he never said much of anything about it....he just kept on living life and trying to take care of things around the house the best he could.  Sometimes I got frustrated with him because I felt like my lashing out at him was the only way I could get him to understand that something was wrong with me.....and maybe he would do something to save me.  I know now that he was just trying to survive the day-to-day but he was also coming from a place of (sorta) understanding PPD and knew that it had to be me to drag myself out of the pit - he couldn't do it for me.  I see now that what I perceived as "apathy" towards how I was feeling was more just him trying to be strong and do everything in his power to remain calm (despite my roller coaster emotions) and keep the house together and all three of his women (me, Natalie and Angie) safe and relatively satisfied.

Christmas Present

It's obviously been a rough year in the Nelson household.  Awhile back Craig and I were talking about the year and I told him that it made me so sad to think that even though something absolutely wonderful happened this year with the birth of Natalie, all I was going to remember were the difficult times afterwards.  Those aren't the memories I want to have surrounding my daughter's birth.  Craig being the thoughtful and creative husband that he is, enlisted the help of his photographer uncle and together they put together this montage of Natalie's first year so that I could remember all the good times we had during Natalie's first year.

The first song that is played is "Beautiful Day" by U2 and it has special significance to Craig and I because it was the recessional song at our wedding.  

April 2011

he next few posts I'm going to be linking up with Robin at Farewell Strangerwho writes a beautifully personal PPD blog.  She's doing a series of blog posts which look back at the wonderful moments of the past year despite struggling through motherhood and PPD.  I'm doing this series along with her because I desperately want to remember the first year of Natalie's life as something positive and beautiful instead of full of pain, frustration, anger, anxiety and darkness.

FAMILY AND EASTER

Craig's father passed away several years ago but Craig and his family still keep in touch with his father's younger brother, Tim.  In April Tim and his wife Sheryl met us in Fort Worth for a delicious dinner at Texas de Brazil.  It was a special moment for our family because it was the closest Craig will ever get to his father holding his child.  

Craig and his Uncle Tim have the exact same body type - from the back it's hard to tell them apart!

Natalie's special Easter outfit made for her by my friend Amy.  On the back of the overalls was a fluffy bunny tail and a carrot sticking out of the pocket.

All dressed up for Easter mass at my parent's church.  I loved Natalie's dress for Easter - found it on sale at Gap!

This must might have been my absolute favorite outfit of hers from when she was this little.  I love the turquoise, the bright colors and the pink Converse.  I actually did cry when I packed this outfit away into storage.

In April the PPD craziness had only just started to become a problem.  Up until this point I had really thought that it was just normal new mommy jitters, anxieties and frustrations.  I was trying desperately to put on the show that I was the perfect new mother that had her act together and who was able to make the transition to motherhood easy and beautifully.  The laundry was always done, bottles were sanitized and Natalie never had a dirty outfit on....but the exhaustion was settling in and the PPD fog was slowly creeping in and beginning to take over my brain and my soul.

March 2011

The next few posts I'm going to be linking up with Robin at Farewell Stranger who writes a beautifully personal PPD blog.  She's doing a series of blog posts which look back at the wonderful moments of the past year despite struggling through motherhood and PPD.  I'm doing this series along with her because I desperately want to remember the first year of Natalie's life as something positive and beautiful instead of full of pain, frustration, anger, anxiety and darkness.

THE BIG DAY

I was induced early on a Tuesday morning in March and Natalie was born at 1:43 that afternoon!  I expected her to be a seven pound baby just because neither Craig nor myself were large babies and my belly just wasn't THAT big even on the day of delivery at 39 weeks pregnant.  I'm six feet tall with long legs and a long torso - maybe she just had a lot of room to spread out....whatever the reason, she totally surprised everyone by being an eight pound, six ounce baby that was 21.5 inches long.  Her basketball coach Daddy was pretty proud of his big girl.  Natalie's birth was traumatic at the time and obviously didn't go as planned but at the end of the day....she and I were healthy and alive which is all that mattered.  It took me awhile to realize it, but just because I had a c-section doesn't make me any "less" of a mother nor was it a sign that my body wasn't "made" for childbearing thus a sign that I shouldn't have been a mother.  These were both constant spiraling thoughts that I had running through my brain in the weeks (okay...MONTHS) after Natalie's birth.

Craig and I before I was rolled into the OR for delivery.

First time holding her - I'm smiling, but I'm thinking "how in the hell am I supposed to get her to be quiet."  

She looked JUST like her Daddy when she was first born.

Craig was (and IS) still so proud of his beautiful baby girl.

My dad and his first granddaughter.  He is absolutely smitten with her.

Three generations of women - my mother (Nonna to Natalie), me and Natalie.

My two brothers Stephen and Michael holding Natalie for the first time.  Stephen and Michael are 11 and 8 years older than me and I know that they both vividly remember holding me as a baby.  I think it was pretty emotional for them both to see and hold their baby sister's......baby girl.

Now the reminiscing is going to get difficult because up until March things were pretty good - I was nervous about having a baby but I had no idea the roller coaster I was about to get on.  The hard work of staying positive and not being drawn into the memories of those harrowing moments is beginning with the next post. This is where I have to start reprogramming my brain to remember the bits and pieces of the good stuff that has happened.....it wasn't all bad, it wasn't all dark.  There were moments, hours and even DAYS that I spent in the sunshine despite the fog all around me and I have to access those memories and put them in forefront of my brain.  Wish me luck.

February 2011

The next few posts I'm going to be linking up with Robin at Farewell Stranger who writes a beautifully personal PPD blog.  She's doing a series of blog posts which look back at the wonderful moments of the past year despite struggling through motherhood and PPD.  I'm doing this series along with her because I desperately want to remember the first year of Natalie's life as something positive and beautiful instead of full of pain, frustration, anger, anxiety and darkness.

FINISHING UP THE NURSERY!

I grew up in the same house, in the same neighborhood, in the same house from birth until I graduated high school and moved into the dorms at UNT.  Needless to say, this might have contributed to the fact that I am most definitely a creature of habit.  But in all honesty, I love that there are people in my contacts list that I remember chasing after and away from on the playgrounds of the neighborhood elementary school.  Two of my closest friends growing up were Heather and Amy - the three of us got into trouble together in middle school, cheered each other on during high school whether on the basketball court or the half-time show during the football game on Friday night and most recently through life's tragedies of losing a parent or a cross country move as well as the joyous events of marriages and children.  Amy just so happened to be living in town during the course of my pregnancy due to her husbands deployment overseas and she was very instrumental in much of the baby planning...well, not THAT part....but all the fun stuff afterwards!  One wonderful Saturday in February both Heather and Amy trekked out to my house and helped me to put the final decorative touches on Natalie's room.  We had so much fun cruising through Target, eating a yummy Mexican dinner and putting away teeny tiny baby girl shoes!

Here is the belly in all it's glory.  Looking at Natalie as an ACTIVE and curious nine month old - it's hard to believe that she was once able to fit in there!

The requisite "mommy and nursery" photo.

Her crib and the hand painted canvas that I created for her.

My baby shoes, her turtle.....and my favorite children's book - Olivia.

My favorite nook in her room - the glider, the footrest, her nightstand (repainted from black to bright lime green by me and Amy) and her lamp.

A corner full of special handmade items.  Amy made the pillow, the blanket, the lampshade, the hairbow holder and drew a family portrait in the picture frame.

Natalie's spiritual corner - the crucifix I bought for her at the Vatican in Rome and the Footsteps poem that my brother (her godfather) gave me for my Confirmation.

Oh!  Hello Ellie!  My favorite doll growing up had to help out - a nursery isn't complete without a baby, right?!  Okay.  Yeah.  I know it's a little weird, but she was my constant companion and security object growing up.  She sits on a shelf in my closet....maybe someday she'll come out and play with one of Natalie's favorite dollies.

I'll be honest - this is where I sat for the majority of the evening while Heather and Amy ran around the room (and my house) putting things away while I directed and put my feet up.  They are very....very....very good friends.

Me and Heather showing off Amy's sewing skills.

Oh Angelina.  My precious pup.  I love you dearly.

Angie.  That's not your chair.  That's for Momma and the baby.

Um.  You want to bet?

You'll always be my best four-legged fur-baby.

So that's February.  There were other wonderful baby showers that took place, but there was something special about this warm Saturday spent with my two good friends.  So many years have passed since we first met and our lives have taken some interesting twists and turns, but the personality traits and the bond that we had way back when that made us such great friends has stayed the same.  Heather is the jewelry-loving, cake-making boss, the pragmatist, the book smarts one who likes the have the right answer and loves learning.  Amy is the free-spirit, the seasoned Momma and a creative spirit who has a sarcastic sense of humor that will always put a smile on your face.  And me?  I am the competitive, perfectionist athlete who wears her heart on her sleeve while trying to change the world through teaching middle schoolers.  We are a funny little trio but for whatever reason.....it works and I'm grateful for the time I had with all three of us living so close together.