Friday, October 14, 2011

A few things...

- Something momentous happened yesterday morning.  Craig slept in the spare bedroom last night because we've all been struggling with sinus congestion (poor little baby girl has an ear infection from it) and so he was booted from our bed for his snoring.  I knew he had gotten up with Natalie around 2:30 or so and given her a bottle and put her back to bed so when she woke up at 4:00 I knew it wasn't because she was hungry but because she didn't feel good.  I went into her room and picked her up and brought her to the big bed to cuddle and snooze with me.  To be honest, she hasn't really "cuddled" with me in bed in a long time - not since the beginning of the summer when we were working to get her to sleep in her own bed and I was still nursing.  Usually when I bring her into our bed she thinks it's playtime and instead of resting she plays footsie and tries to kick the covers off....or puts the sheets in her mouth.  But this morning I knew her little body was weary because within minutes of being snuggled up in the crook of my arm she was fast asleep complete with a wheezy little snore (much cuter and more tolerable than Craig's) and the occassional cough.  By 7:00 she and I were both awake and ready to start our day so we went to the spare bedroom to wake up Craig and he joined us in the big bed in our bedroom.  Around 7:15 I left her in Daddy's arms in the bed so I could start my shower and a cup of coffee but as soon as I placed her with Craig she began to cry and when I was just about to step into the bathroom I heard her cry out "Ma Ma!"  I turned around and looked at Craig, "did you hear what I just heard?"  And he answered with "she's calling for you."  Well.  Of course I quickly decided that my shower and coffee could wait and I settled back into bed for a few more minutes of cuddling with my baby girl.  I'm not sure if she really understands what she said but I don't care.  It's down in the record books - my baby said "Ma Ma" at seven months old.

- A friend of mine wrote a blog post the other day about bitterness.  This is where I've been this week.  Bitter.  Angry.  Frustrated.  Furious.  Vindictive.  And then mad at myself for having all those feelings towards other people.  I'm stuck and I can't quite see the way out of it right now.  I'm not even sure I can really accurately pinpoint the source of all the anger - is it residual from PPD or is it just a part of my personality?  I know that I'm putting Craig through the ringer.  I'm not myself.  I haven't been myself since Natalie was born.  There are glimpses of me but as I told Craig the other night - this child has thrown me for a loop....I'm 28 years old and sometimes have absolutely NO idea of who I am supposed to be.  It seems like everytime I get my "role" figured out my life moves on and shifts and I'm forced to change.  And I hate change.  My early twenties I was the party girl on the outside but completely tortured on the inside and desperate to have stability and the normal family life.  Then Craig and I were dating and getting married and it was just us hanging out, going to games, traveling and living large.  And then she was born and threw such an enormous wrench into my soul.  I guess I just get overwhelmed with the number of hats that I wear - mother, daughter, wife, friend, teacher, coach, mentor....and somewhere in I just get to wear the hat that says "Laura?"  I want to get rid of the anger and the frustration because as with any emotion that I have, I feel it to the fullest extent, like a tidal wave washing over my body I am consumed by it.  Okay.  Enough tears.  Enough whining.  Enough complaining.  As so many of my dear friends say, this is a season of our lives.  It's a tough season for me personally and I know that the strain of taking care of a baby, the dog and a sometimes emotionally ridiculous wife is getting to Craig. 

- My girls played our big rival last night and they played beautifully.  My goodness.  I was so proud.  Everything clicked - we passed, we set and we hit but above everything else, they played together as a team and they played SMART and they played with HEART and HUSTLE.  I love watching them play a game they love to play with their friends.  And maybe that's why our loss by three points is so hard.  I see these girls everyday and I know their spirits and their hearts - they are GOOD girls and they deserve the glory of a game well played and a victory to celebrate.  Yes, I know that as a coach and as an adult that wins aren't everything and the lessons they are learning together as a team and individually as players are FAR more important than your winning percentage.  But they're 13.  They don't understand that yet.  What they see is that they're the underdogs.  They're the ones nobody expects to win.  They see themselves as not good enough.  Never good enough.  And if there is one thing I could ingrain in their brains and on their hearts is that there is so much more to being "great" than just your skills.  These girls' hearts is what makes them great.  It's their enthusiasm, their joy and their love for one another.  I have coached great athletes and I have played with great athletes.  And sometimes the greatest of athletes are the rudest, the most selfish and the least genuine.  I would take 100 of my kiddos over one great athlete.

- Maybe it's time for something a little more lighthearted?  Natalie fell asleep in her bouncer tonight.  Passed out cold in the seat with her head leaned back and her hand still grasping one of the hanging toys.  Yes.  Pictures were taken and no they're not uploaded yet but there was a tense moment when I thought my bladder would surely bust from the giggles that erupted from my body when I saw her slack jawed and passed out.  Poor little thing was so fussy at Ms. Rebecca's house today and wouldn't take a nap so once she was bathed and lotioned up she couldn't help but just sack out at the first opportunity.

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