Monday, March 19, 2012

Looking forward

I've written so many beginnings of blogs lately and each and every one seem so............forced and uninspiring.

Which is probably why they all have beginnings but no endings.

I guess it's just an average case of writer's block.  Or maybe it's just that life right now is pretty uninspiring. Not in a bad way..........but we're just existing - happily - but still.........just floating along.

Glennon Melton of Momastery reposted a blog awhile back about what depression is like and how she could always feel the fog creeping back in - and how she didn't always want to fight that fog because it helped her to become a better writer.  Aren't the best writers always the tortured ones?

I guess that's where I'm at right now.  No fog.  Just sunshine.  On the brightside there isn't anything gnawing at my soul making me feel the need to spill my guts on this little blog, but on the other hand, I'm not really producing anything of real substance.

But that's the theme for this year.

Just exist.

In the past three years Craig and I have bought a house, gotten engaged, married, become pregnant, had a baby and struggled through PPD.  Whew.

This year we're just going to enjoy watching Natalie grow, play with the pups and be a family.  No major life changes.  Just live.

I feel like my mood has turned a corner since Natalie hit her first birthday.  I feel free of the "baby" stage in her life.  She eats real food, is sleeping through the night and plays contentedly on her own.  There is less dependence on me to sustain her life and now more dependence on me to teach and guide her through her life.  That is what I'm good at - setting boundaries, playing games, redirecting, taking advantage of teachable moments......all stuff that I do as a teacher, I suppose.

I read an article today on Huffington Post giving parents hope about reaching the end of their child's first year of life.  About how the sleepless nights and the constant laundry will slowly fade.  The first year is tough - but not for the child.  It's not a milestone for the baby - it's an accomplishment for the parents.  Hurray!  You kept a human being alive for an entire year and for the most part - you're still standing.

Now, Craig and I weren't standing at her birthday party completely the same people that had welcomed a beautiful baby girl into our arms the year before.  No.  Things have changed.  Life has changed.  WE.  Have.  Changed.  Six months ago I never thought that I would find the girl that I used to be.  I never thought I would dance around the house to Jay-Z and Kanye again.  I never thought I would want to indulge in that second (or third) glass of wine when out to dinner with the hubs.  I never though that I would give a rat's ass about the cute clothes in my closet and the make-up in my drawers.  In short, I felt like I had to live such a controlled life in order to be the perfect mother that I thought that the girl my husband fell in love with (wild, crazy, passionate, determined, ambitious, goofy) was gone forever.

I mourned her death and hated the woman that took her place.

But that girl is like a weed - she has found a way to grow through in the most unlikely of places and she is slowly spreading across the desert like wildfire.  More and more everyday I feel HER presence.  I feel more at ease in my skin.  I can take deeper breaths.  Those deeper breaths lead to bigger laughs.  And then there's the dancing.  And a glass of wine............and then another glass if it's a special dinner.

So here I am standing at the beginning of the next year in Natalie's life.  I am determined to do the best job at being her mother that I can and that doesn't involve listening to anyone else's expectations on what I need to be.  Natalie doesn't worry about the global ramifications of the way that I parent her.  She doesn't worry that I'm doing it all wrong and she's going to suffer.  All she needs is hugs and kisses, cuddles and playtime, love and compassion, boundaries and expectations.  All she needs is everything that I already am.

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