Wednesday, January 11, 2012


It is a gorgeous day outside.  One of those deceptively gorgeous winter days.  The kind where you look out and see a clear blue sky with sunlight filtering down and think to yourself "I should be out there, soaking up the warmth." 

Wrong.  It's freezing outside.  It's windy and the chill is biting. 

If it's going to be cold, I want it to be dreary.  I want it to be raining and dark so that I can curl up in bed with a puppy dog and apple cider while watching the never ending tragedies featured on the ID channel.

Not sure what happened throughout the night but I woke up on the proverbial wrong side of the bed this morning.  I feel like it should be cold, wet, cloudy and miserable outside because that's what the weather is inside my brain.  As I was walking through the school I glanced outside at the weather and I was actually disappointed to see the sun. 

Maybe it was Natalie's reccurent waking up last night.  There might have even been a slamming door in my house at 2:45 this morning.

Maybe it was nightmares that I don't quite remember except for a distinct emotion of anger and frustration.

Maybe it's the anxiety of a situation that is worrying me, frustrating me; a story whose facts have not been discussed and whose outcome is completely out of my control.

And then there's also that pesky matter of the gray strand of hair that my coworker pulled from my head......

But today I'm an Eeyore. I'm trying to keep my mouth shut and my head down so that the day will pass quickly and I can get to tomorrow.

Sure.  That past month and a half since I "woke up" and began to see more clearly has been amazing.  I've been in control of myself and have let go of things out of my control.  I've enjoyed my family, my friends and being Natalie's mother.  But today I can feel myself slipping back into that fog.  I can feel those insecurities creeping up the back of my neck and the tentacles grabbing a hold of my brain and digging their claws in deep.  Most days those mean, nasty thoughts are like annoying mosquitoes that are easily squashed or swatted away.  But today they are vicious.  They are huge.  And they are refusing to be squashed or swatted away. 

So this is where I'm at today.  Aching to be anywhere but in my own mind and body.  A little frustrated because I feel like today is one of those "two steps back" kind of days.

I guess my point is......the difference between now and two months ago is that hopefully today will be the anomaly, the different day, the exception to the rule.  Hopefully I'll be able to go home, relax, play some volleyball in my Wednesday night league and then get up feeling a bit more productive, positive and capable tomorrow morning.

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