The other day I posted THIS regarding the death of my husband's father. I kindly asked Craig to read it while simultaneously preparing myself to retract it - I wasn't sure if I had delved too deep into his personal space on my little blog. That night while lying in bed I casually asked him what he thought about my words and he proudly replied that he was going to respond to it....in writing.
Huh.
Okay.
So this is what he posted last night on my "September 19th" blog post.
Sit down, buckle up and grab a tissue.
I have never been more proud of my husband.
This could possible be the most anticipated response to "Life in La La's Land" in the history of her blog. I have always discussed her entries with her in person, not wanting to respond on a blog. After reading her last blog, which mostly pertained to me, I figured I at least owed her a response.
September 19th is one of those days that will live with me like September 11th will with all of those lost on that awful day. It is just something that you never forget, you constantly think about, wonder why it happened, ask if it could of it be avoided, could I of done something different to change the outcome of that day.
For many years I had always thought that I could of changed the course of history in the Nelson Family. That I could of made a difference in my father's life to change what would of happened so that he would still be here with us. But then I realized that my father had an illness that he could not overcome and it eventually took his life. Suicide is like cancer, it slowly pulls at you and pulls at you until it finally beats you down that you can not take it anymore and you are gone. That is what happened with my father.
So for all of those who have always wondered, would of liked to known, yes, my father did kill himself.
There is nothing worse than getting that call from your mother and sister saying that your father is dead and he has killed himself. No matter what anyone tells you, there are NO thoughts or feelings that can describe that moment. You are just in complete shock and horror. There is not a day that I do not think about that night, the hospital, identifying the body, being with family, watching the horror unravel in front of our faces. It is easily the longest day of my life and it is something that I would never want to relive or wish onto anyone else.
With all of that being said, I have begun to come to grips with everything and began to move on with that situation and live my life. Two big things happened in my life that really caused me to really see my life coming back into shape. One was marrying Laura and the other was having our first child, Natalie. Both of them being huge positives in my life and really showing me how great life can be.
All of that gets us to Laura's post! She is right. I have began to see what all both Natalie and my father is missing by them not being able to be a part of each other lives. He would think that she is the most precious, smart, beautiful little child he has ever seen and I know that Natalie would love to play with my father. They would play forever and he would spoiled her rotten.
How do you replace that?
What a question that really does not have a response. You can tell Natalie about my father, what he did, show her pictures of him, explain things about him. But does that really let her have the full experience of knowing him.
Do you tell her about the suicide eventually? Do you be honest with your children eventually and tell them the truth or do you hide all the negatives and tell them only the positivies?
I guess that will be up to Laura and I to decide and how we want Natalie to remember my father and the consequences of how he died.
I can tell you this, she will get to know my father as if he loved her with so much love and he was actually here on earth with her. How you ask? Because she will be getting it through me.
Not sure how this blog will rate on the bloggers rating system, but I did the best I could.
I Love You Laura and Natalie.
Craig
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