Sunday, March 17, 2013

Is this it?

Sometimes I feel this deep desire to just fall apart and sob. Today is one of those days. Nothing is wrong. Life is good, Natalie is beautiful and Craig spoiled me yesterday with new clothes.

But yet, I'm unsettled. Something is not sitting well in my stomach and my brain.

Perhaps it's the world that I'm surrounded by right now. So much is in much is undecided.

The austerity in Washington.

My course load of classes next year.

The successful integration of technology into the classroom next year.

The conclave to choose a new pope in Rome.

And always weighing on my mind is if or when we will add to our little family.

So much of this is out of my control and I can say that I have faith in God's plan for not just me, but our family, my school district, my church and my country.....but saying and truly believing can be miles apart from each other sometimes.

And on a more personal level....

I've been struggling with the idea of REALLY being a mother. The other day, Craig and I were walking through the mall and I was pushing Natalie in her stroller when I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection of a store window.

Worn and faded Converse.

Light wash, boot cut jeans from Old Navy.

Aggie shirt and black Under Armour wind jacket.

Wet hair pulled back into a messy bun....minimal make-up.

I shuddered and groaned. I looked like somebody's mother. With or without pushing Natalie through the mall, to the naked eye, I was obviously past my prime and hurtling towards the fashion point of no return which I believe includes yoga pants, my husband's over-sized t-shirt and a loss of personal dignity.


I fought back tears as we strolled past shiny clothes on svelte mannequins while skinny college girls skimmed through the racks.

I used to be that girl.  And sometimes I wish I still was.

But then I look at Craig and Natalie and feel such immense guilt.  Why are they not enough?  I have so much to be thankful for, so to feel jealous of a skinny girl with a seemingly disposable income who is shopping at the mall seems so.....shallow.

But as much as I love the two of them, they cannot consume me.  I cannot be strictly their doting wife and cherished mother.  They are exactly what I want in life, but not ALL that I need....and is that okay to even admit?  That my family isn't all that I desire for myself?

Is this a pre-thirties-life-crisis?  Quite frankly, I'm exactly where I thought I would be at thirty - I am married, with a child, a home and a career.  I worked hard for everything I have and now is the time I should be pushing the coast button so that I can enjoy the view.

But I know that's not me.  I won't be content just coasting.  I must have something to challenge me.  I'm not happy if I'm not scaling some sort of mountain.

So perhaps it's okay that I'm unsettled right now because that's part of THE plan.  Maybe there's something waiting in the wings that will break open for me to tackle.

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