Is this it?

Sometimes I feel this deep desire to just fall apart and sob. Today is one of those days. Nothing is wrong. Life is good, Natalie is beautiful and Craig spoiled me yesterday with new clothes.

But yet, I'm unsettled. Something is not sitting well in my stomach and my brain.

Perhaps it's the world that I'm surrounded by right now. So much is in limbo....so much is undecided.

The austerity in Washington.

My course load of classes next year.

The successful integration of technology into the classroom next year.

The conclave to choose a new pope in Rome.

And always weighing on my mind is if or when we will add to our little family.

So much of this is out of my control and I can say that I have faith in God's plan for not just me, but our family, my school district, my church and my country.....but saying and truly believing can be miles apart from each other sometimes.

And on a more personal level....

I've been struggling with the idea of REALLY being a mother. The other day, Craig and I were walking through the mall and I was pushing Natalie in her stroller when I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection of a store window.

Worn and faded Converse.

Light wash, boot cut jeans from Old Navy.

Aggie shirt and black Under Armour wind jacket.

Wet hair pulled back into a messy bun....minimal make-up.

I shuddered and groaned. I looked like somebody's mother. With or without pushing Natalie through the mall, to the naked eye, I was obviously past my prime and hurtling towards the fashion point of no return which I believe includes yoga pants, my husband's over-sized t-shirt and a loss of personal dignity.

Seriously.

I fought back tears as we strolled past shiny clothes on svelte mannequins while skinny college girls skimmed through the racks.

I used to be that girl.  And sometimes I wish I still was.

But then I look at Craig and Natalie and feel such immense guilt.  Why are they not enough?  I have so much to be thankful for, so to feel jealous of a skinny girl with a seemingly disposable income who is shopping at the mall seems so.....shallow.

But as much as I love the two of them, they cannot consume me.  I cannot be strictly their doting wife and cherished mother.  They are exactly what I want in life, but not ALL that I need....and is that okay to even admit?  That my family isn't all that I desire for myself?

Is this a pre-thirties-life-crisis?  Quite frankly, I'm exactly where I thought I would be at thirty - I am married, with a child, a home and a career.  I worked hard for everything I have and now is the time I should be pushing the coast button so that I can enjoy the view.

But I know that's not me.  I won't be content just coasting.  I must have something to challenge me.  I'm not happy if I'm not scaling some sort of mountain.

So perhaps it's okay that I'm unsettled right now because that's part of THE plan.  Maybe there's something waiting in the wings that will break open for me to tackle.

Telling the girls...

Written on Thursday, January 17th......

Yesterday I told my seventh grade athletes about the big change.

There was a great big group hug and LOTS of tears.  Many more than I expected.

But enough to make me question myself and say "is this REALLY what I want to be doing?"

I held it together and tried to make my decision make sense to a group of teenagers who generally have no concept of doing what is best for other people.

They just know that I'm their "favorite" coach (on any given day....these are teenagers we're talking about) and they don't want me to leave.  They don't understand the conflict of motherhood, work and my desire to slow down life while soaking up my daughter's childhood.

Right now they sit in front of me coloring, listening to music, playing games and posting selfies to Instagram.  It's an exam day and I'm letting them relax.

Perhaps this is why I am their "favorite."

But in all seriousness, I told them about my prayers over the past few years.  I never bring up faith, God and spirituality with my girls because it's personal and I just don't feel comfortable injecting that into my coaching spiel.  Today though I put it out there so that they would have a greater understanding of where my heart is and why I made this decision.

I talked about my prayers for a new position but how when it didn't happen, I accepted the place God needed me to be in.  I told them how I put it in His hands and did His will until a new opportunity was presented to me.  I spoke of how heavy my heart has been for the past two weeks, carrying this knowledge around with me while they high five me in the hall and we joke in the locker room.

My voice cracked and I fought back tears while trying to help twelve-year-old children understand the very complicated issues of motherhood, career and finding the delicate balance between all of life's responsibilities and passions.  I wanted them to understand that this was both the easiest and most difficult decision that I have made in a very long time.  I wanted them to realize the impact they (and the six years of girls before them) as my athletes and students have had on my heart.  They taught me about motherhood before I gave birth.  They showed me how I can be compassionate, give grace and provide guidance without stifling individual freedom.

Making this change is infinitely harder than I ever expected it to be.

Week 14

September 6 - September 12

How far along?
13 weeks and 4 days along and baby is about the size of a lemon (or about 3 inches long). Apparently this week the baby is growing by leaps and bounds and is starting flowing, continuous movements...but none of which I can feel yet. What I can feel are the random aches in my abs that FEEL like I've been working out too much (which certainly is NOT the case) but are actually my abdominal muscles moving and stretching to accomodate my growing belly.

What's circulating in my brain?
Volleyball, volleyball, volleyball. I've been having dreams about volleyball and my girls this week. I have a group of very talented 8th graders, but for some reason I can't seem to get them to gel on the court and so we've lost our first two games. I had to bring out the "mean" coach today and we had a silent practice - no talking except for calling the ball and encouraging your teammates. There were also lots of pushups and running as consequences for dropped passes and missed serves. I don't really enjoy being the serious coach and pushing the girls in this manner, but they have to understand the importance of focus and discipline. Although they're a fairly athletic team, they can't just rely on their athletiscm and there has to be a focus on the technical aspects of passing, hitting and serving. And then there is the "trusting" each other on the court aspect - I got really tired of seeing two people trying (unsuccessfuly) to pass a ball last night. Hopefully I have gotten my point across and after a few more practices like this morning, they will have a greater understanding of what I expect and we can strike the delicate balance of having fun and maintaining our focus. After all, when we focus we can win and what is more fun than that?

I have been struggling with keeping track of my "real" emotions and my "baby induced" emotions. So many times I have had to check myself with other people - is what I'm frustrated about a valid reason to be a little peeved, or am I acting irrationally? I feel more frustrated at this point in the season than I did last year and I'm not sure if it is because of external reasons or the internal reason that is residing in my belly right now. No one wants to be labeled the "crazy pregnant lady" so I am trying very hard to distinguish between what I SHOULD be frustrated or upset about and what I am just overreacting about because of my hormones. I can't tell you how many people have had to answer the "am I crazy for feeling this way" question and to all of their great character, they all answer very calmly, respectfully and most of the time agree with me...that I'm NOT being irrational.

Or maybe they're just trying not to upset the crazy pregnant lady.

How is Craig dealing with the crazy?
I married a good man. He came to the games last night and agreed - my team did not play up to their potential and I think he knew that I was very frustrated. It was so great that when I got home after a VERY long day (for more reasons than just volleyball) I was greeted so enthusiastically by a tail wagging Angie and a hot dinner on the table from Craig. He is so patient in listening to me in the evenings these past few weeks when I've been dealing with some issues at work...and he doesn't pretend like he always has the answers but instead confirms that yes, this is something I need to address, or no...maybe I should let this thing slide. I'm probably driving him crazy with my obsessiveness on certain topics but I'm just the type of person that can't let go of a subject until there is some sort of internal or external resolution.

This week's weigh-in was a little disappointing for Craig as he didn't lose as much weight as he was hoping, but I think it inspired him to hit the gym everyday this week to speed up his metabolism so that he can continue to lose bigger chunks of weight from his total weight loss goal.

What's Angie up to?
Not really that much this week - she is definitely more settled into her routine. I'm hoping the weather cools down soon so that on the weekends and the nights that I'm home a little earlier from school Craig and I can start taking her for walks again around the neighborhood. I think it would do us all some good to get out of the house in the early evenings and get some light exercise.