I usually do a pretty good job of heading off that awful dragon in the back of my head that roars "not good enough!" But this week has been rough.
It's all innocent stuff.
A trip to the pumpkin patch with her beloved baby-sitter complete with adorable pictures.
A painting of a pumpkin that she created with her Grandmama.
The fact that when she throws a fit at dinner, I'm the one that takes her to time-out on the stairs where she has already perfected the "I'm mad at you" glare and huff with her arms crossed.
The first words out of her mouth when I pick her up out of the crib in the morning - Da Da.
Next week is Halloween and I have a volleyball game that night - she'll go Trick or Treating with Craig and our friends that have a daughter Natalie's age.
But it's all the little stuff that is piling up and weighing on my heart.
I feel guilty that I'm missing out on all the fun fall activities - the pumpkin patch and Trick or Treating. I feel guilty that I haven't done any fall crafts with her - no painting and I didn't even make her costume.
And then I Mommy-shame myself. I work too much and so she's forgotten about me. I sacrifice my time with her to go to a Book Club. Our family time is spent at a high school volleyball game and not at home making crafts and playing with stuffed animals.
That little dragon is roaring at me that I'm not good enough and that Natalie would be much better off in the hands of those other people that love her.
Craig tells me I'm being ridiculous and that Natalie doesn't hate me. He tells me that I'm about to be spending tons of time with her and we'll reestablish our bond.
But right now in this moment I just can't believe him. That little dragon is just too loud for me to ignore.