Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Week 5

July 5 - July 11, 2010

How far along?
Four full weeks and two I'm starting the fifth week.

How big is baby?
According to my What To Expect app on my iPhone, at four weeks and two days, baby is as big as an orange seed.

What am I creating this week?
The circulatory system with the most basic of hearts - it will only be made up of two channels for the time being. The precursor to the brain and spinal cord is also forming.

How am I feeling?
Overall...pretty good. I know compared to a lot of the horror stories that I've read online I'm not doing that poorly at all. Or maybe the hormones really haven't had time to kick in. I haven't had any really intense sickness - but I have been waking up anywhere from 3:00 am to 6:00 am feeling a little nauseous so I keep rice cakes and water next to my bed as well as a good movie in the DVD player to keep me occupied while I wait for the nausea to pass. I've been tired...not that tired where I'm falling asleep all over the place, but the kind of tired that sits behind your eyes and everytime you blink you wish you could just leave your eyes closed for awhile. Whether it's from the shock of being pregnant or the baby consuming my thoughts are foggy. I'm having a hard time keeping up with conversations as well as remember where things are and what word I was about to use. I've had a pretty voracious appetite...but isn't that fairly normal? What's not normal is the tears. I cried at the thought of how this baby was going to affect Angie's life. Ridiculous. Hold on Craig...I think the crazy train is about to depart and take you on a pretty intense ride.

What's circulating in my brain?
Sweet Lord Jesus...what ISN'T circulating in my brain? Maybe part of the reason that I've been having problems sleeping is that my already overactive imagination has been in hyper drive covering all aspects of this pregnancy. I'll try to contain the clutter for you:
- Love: Obviously I love this baby already. I remember when I was younger how my mom said that she loved me before she knew me and I couldn't understand that concept. I've been praying for my babies since before Craig and I got married. I know they're up there just waiting to come into our lives and I can't believe that in eight short months I'm going to get to meet the first one.
- Anxiety: This is probably the most prevalent emotion that I feel during the day. I'm anxious at everything that I eat, how hot the water in the bathtub is, and how I move during a volleyball game. I almost burst into tears when I lunged for a pass and then thought "Oh no! Did I knock Baby loose? Should I take a pregnancy test when I get home just to make sure she's still in there?" Yes. These things are actually going through my head. And at the all seems so...rational. I was so anxious about getting pregnant (what if I was Charlotte from SATC and didn't know it all these years?) that I figured once I got pregnant things would be smooth sailing after that. Not even close. There's a whole new arsenal of anxieties waiting for you after you see that X on the pee stick. Now it's about KEEPING me pregnant and making sure that the baby doesn't grow an extra arm from the middle of it's forehead. These are the things that keep me up at night.
- Fear: Sure, a baby is all fun and games when it's a theoretical object and not something that is growing in your body. It's fun to toss around names and imagine taking kids to the zoo, but when there is a specific timeline associated with this baby that is looking you in the face, all those fun things turn into terrors. Are we really prepared for all this? I don't think we really thought this process through. I mean, we love our friends' kids and our nephews but we aren't responsible for turning those precious darlings into productive members of society.

How is Craig dealing with the crazy?
Craig and I had to have a pow wow. Just because I don't LOOK pregnant doesn't mean that I don't FEEL pregnant. I'm not taking a nap because I'm lazy, I'm taking a nap because there is a parasite in my body that is sucking the life out of me. I'm not asking you to go get me cheese and peanut butter crackers at 11:00 at night because I'm lazy and am taking advantage of you. I'm asking you because my above mentioned eyelids are throbbing with exhaustion, and as my friend Beri said...if I could eat and sleep at the same time, I would. So be a dear and fetch me my crackers so I can effectively accomplish my goal. No, his life hasn't changed that much because there isn't something tangible for him to focus on and it's hard to connect over this pregnancy at the moment because EVERYTHING has changed for me. Every decision I make as far as resting, activites, focused on what is best for Baby and because I have ovaries and he doesn't at this point in time I'm the only one that this has happened to. Now don't get me wrong, he is definitely thinking ahead - he has already mentioned setting up a savings account that will morph into a college fund. And his first words when we figured out that the due date would be mid-March? "Oh good. I'll have money from tournaments by then." So Baby will be paid for and will have a nice cozy room to come home to. But right now, as I told him, there really isn't anything we can buy for Baby and therefore he needs to provide for me emotionally for the time being.

What's Angie up to?
Angie got a t-shirt. It says "I'm going to be a BIG sister." It's how I'm announcing Baby to all my friends this summer that frequent my swimming pool. Funny story: My maid-of-honor and all around BFF Amy was on the treacherous journey of peeing on the stick the night of July 4th and when I got a "plus" and then two definitive PREGNANTs. She told her daughter, Emma the flower girl, that Laura was pregnant and Emma groaned "Oh no." Amy asked her why she said that and Emma replied "The dog." Yes, it's true Emma. I'm worried about her too. In fact I cried about it Monday night. How did I do this to my sweet baby girl? I've effectively pushed her to second fiddle thus ruining her life. How could I be so cruel? Again...looking back, are these thoughts rational? Absolutely not, but looking into her big, brown eyes I felt nothing but pure guilt.

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