It's 1:07 am on Wednesday, November 25th and I can't sleep. There were a few blissful hours when pain medication was able to dull my senses and my brain enough so that I could get some sleep, but unfortunately the medicine wore off at precisely 12:46 and my eyes snapped open.
Why might I be taking strong pain medication you ask? Same stuff, different day...my right knee that I spoke of so long ago has not gotten any better but instead gotten progressively more and more painful since October. I have been in Physical Therapy for a month with a wonderful and highly knowledgeable therapist...so knowledgeable in fact, that she knows when the pain and problem is outside her realm of help. She advised me last week that if my pain was still persisting and more importantly, intensifying that it might be a good idea to schedule another appointment with my doctor. Craig and I talked about it over dinner at my favorite Italian restaurant down the road from us last Tuesday night...his special treat since I was so frustrated...and we decided that we would both be more comfortable taking my knee to be seen by his long-time surgeon in Dallas. So tomorrow we are off to Dr. Moore, armed with my previous doctor's paperwork and the list of things I've been doing in Physical Therapy.
I 100% trust Craig's opinion and therefore I trust Dr. Moore...but I'm still nervous. But not nervous about what you THINK I'm nervous about. I'm nervous that he will look at the reports, take an MRI and tell me that nothing is wrong and that it must be all in my head. Because then I will feel stupid - like I've been faking it all along, or maybe that I'm a wimp who is just complaining over something small. But I know that my pain is real - I feel the grinding, the sharp pains, the dull ache and the throbbing down my shin. I am a healthy and active 26 year old woman - this is probably the healthiest I have been in my life since I was playing basketball in high school! I should be able to take my dog for walk/runs, ride my bike and play a little volleyball once a week with my adult league. I'm too young to fall apart and right now this knee is severely impacting my activity level, and therefore impacting my mood and the quality of my life.
Other than those thoughts, what else is running through my mind at now 1:17 am?
- I saw New Moon twice this weekend and I'm definitely a wolf...more importantly, an ALPHA wolf. I'm more inclined to snarl and growl when I'm mad than write intense poetry, or even speak eloquently for that matter.
- Craig and I started putting up Christmas lights on the house tonight at 8:00 in the dark. It was his idea and not really the time I would have liked to do it, but the childlike look of excitement on his face was too hard to turn down. So now we have lights.
- I've been reading Marley and Me by John Grogan lately in order to gain some perspective on my needy, emotional and stubborn dog. My favorite portion:
"In a dog's life, some plaster would fall, some cushions would open, some rugs would shred. Like any relationship, this one had its costs. They were costs we came to accept and balance against the joy and amusement and protection and companionship he gave us. We could have bought a small yacht with what we spent on our dog and all the things he destroyed. Then again, how many yacths wait by the door all day for your return? How many live for the moment they can clim in your lap or ride down the hill with you on a toboggan, licking your face? Marley had earned his place in our family. Like a quirky but beloved uncle, he was what he was. He would never be Lassie or Benji or Old Yeller; he would never reach Westminster or even the county fair. We knew that now. We accepted him for the dog he was, and loved him all the more for it." Angie isn't perfect and she'll always have her issues, but I know that she is appreciative of everything we've given her and she loves us more than anything. I couldn't imagine not coming home and opening the back door to have her come barreling in, jumping on my legs while whining impatiently about how much she missed me.
- The wedding nightmares are starting...first there was one about changing my hairstyle last minute and then it was the day of the wedding and I forgot my bridesmaids presents...and those were in the same night! I'm still feeling like I should be more stressed...maybe I'm forgetting something major, I'm not sure...but the OMG feeling definitely was ratcheted up a notch since we passed the "four months away" mark on November 13th...