It's 12:38 in the morning and I am awake.
Exhausted and my eyes are thick and heavy but my brain is going 100 miles a minute.
I can't shut it off.
I've done all my usual "tricks" and nothing is working.
So I'm here. I'm going to list out all my thoughts and my worries in the hope that physically sending them out into the universe will help quiet my head.
1. Family issues are stressing me out. I take things too personally and look for the negative in every statement. After being so hurt for so long, I am automatically defensive regardless of the situation. It's not right and it's not healthy but it's where I'm at right now.
2. The if and when of a second child. Craig and I talked about this last night over beverages and dessert. Why do I want another child? Is it just to have a second chance at a "good" pregnancy and postpartum period....because that's certainly a selfish reason to bring a child into the world. I want Natalie to have a sibling and Craig and I most definitely have the capability to love and cherish another child. But another child is expensive and there just never seems to be enough money....we're still dealing with his medical bills and then of course the prospect of another (unpaid) maternity leave is overwhelming.
3. The backyard is a hot mess. Neither of us seem to have found the time, energy or inspiration to get out there and take care of the weeds and overgrowth that has arisen since the end of summer. It's atrocious and ugly and embarrassing but yet I haven't done anything about it. And then that little voice in the back of my head says "your parents NEVER had such a terrible looking backyard - you certainly aren't as good a homeowner as THEY are."
4. Speaking of which, I still have two loads of laundry in the washer and dryer that have been waiting to be finished, folded and put away since Wednesday.
5. Christmas, Christmas, Christmas. I honestly try to put a lot of thought and effort into buying presents for people. I want to purchase gifts that are significant and personal to the recipient but possibly because I DO put so much thought into the process....it often is a huge source of stress. I want to make sure that my gifts are well received and enjoyed. And then there's that awkward moment when you buy a present for someone and they haven't gotten one for you or the other way around. I know that the Christmas spirit isn't about keeping score, but it bothers me. And causes me anxiety.
6. We go back to school on Monday and I'm absolutely dreading it. I have Cross Country practice every day after school until 4:45 and Craig is starting up basketball games next week. Back to the grind, I suppose. We've had a lovely week off work and have truly enjoyed being around each other and spending time as a family. It's going to be very difficult to get back into our hectic schedule.
7. Before Christmas hits I have to get Natalie's toys sorted into keep, donate and box up piles as well as clean out Craig's closet. His family is very.....ahem......generous when it comes to gift-giving at Christmas and I know that I will be having to find room for lots of new items once the end of December comes about.
8. Church. I miss having a home in which to practice my faith. My family has been going to the same church since I was born and there just isn't any other parish that I've visited that feels like HOME the way St. Mike's does. I get nervous going into new situations where I'm the "outsider" who doesn't know people and that's how I feel at a new church.
9. Yikes. When I list out all my worries it seems that I might have a General Anxiety Disorder of some sort. Which, of course, makes me even more anxious.
10. Both Craig and I have big birthdays coming up in the new year - I will turn thirty in August and he will be forty come December. He has his heart set on a big vacation away to a beach for just the two of us. I am assuming this means leaving the country and being very far away from Natalie. This makes me nervous - both the prospect of being away from her AND paying for such an extravagant luxury.
11. Obviously, I'm stressed about money, too. Isn't EVERYONE stressed about money during the holidays?
I feel a little bit better, I suppose. It's now 1:00 and I promised myself that I would vent all the frustrations and worries that I could in a span of twenty-two minutes.
Hopefully this late night (early morning?) brain dump will do the trick and I'll be able to drift off easily into a very deep sleep.