You can't take it all with you...

I'm not a light packer. I take a huge duffel bag for a weekend trip. I am the girl with the overflowing purse that could fit a small child. I carried a 50 pound bag around Europe for 12 days and still thought I hadn't brought enough clothes. The phrase "Don't leave home without it" applies to me. I don't leave home without EVERYTHING. My packing philosophy is borrowed from the Boy Scouts. I am always prepared for every possible clothing situation. I like options.

Luckily, I have worked hard to unpack the baggage in my emotional life. I was carrying the weight of David and all that drama around with me for so long, until a good friend in college told me some very wise advice. I tried not to take TOO much relationship advice from her since she had been married two or three times and had yet to blow out the candles on her 30th birthday cake, but that's besides the point. She gave me a real gem on this particular subject.

Emotional baggage shouldn't be something that you carry around with you on a daily basis. It's something like an old trunk of stuff that you keep up in the attic and never think about. Once in awhile, you go up to the attic, rummage around in the trunk, throw out some stuff and reorganize. You shut the trunk up and don't go back there for awhile.

Baggage is not a bad thing. It's a necessary evil of life. Like bridesmaids and groomsmen hooking up after weddings. It's not always what you wanted to happen, but who doesn't get a little pleasure out of being accosted in an elevator?

Everyone has baggage and when entering a relationship, you have to be aware that your potential partner will have some. And it's not always pretty.

Baggage can come in many forms from "Mommy and Daddy Didn't Love Me Enough" to "I Gave Her My Heart and She Stomped On It." Anyway you shake it, if the person doesn't have their baggage locked up in their attic storage, run far away.

When I was little and we would return from a trip, it was always my job to unpack my suitcase and sort the clothes out for washing. I could never convince any other member of my family to do it for me. Same goes with emotional baggage. It's not anybody else's job to sift through your baggage. It wasn't my job to solve or cure David's Daddy baggage, his I'm Not Good Enough baggage, or his It's All My Parent's Divorce's Fault baggage. He was carrying the Louis Vuitton of luggage - the complete set. And, as is in real life, the cost was way to high for me to invest in that type of luggage.

I don't want to have to help any more guys to get to a better place in their life - whether it be emotionally, economically or job wise. I'm where I want to be and I deserve a guy that is in the same place. I've packed away my baggage from David, but it doesn't mean that I'll ever forget what he did or how he made me feel. It's that knowledge that has and will (hopefully) prevent me from falling into the same trap. The more I live on my own, the more I get over the "Desperately Seeking Parent's Approval" baggage. I live my life to make ME happy and satisfied. I still have the "Be Number One or Be Nothing" baggage - but I think that's just part of who I am and not necessarily something to be "dealt" with as the other two were.

Bottom line: I am relatively baggage free and I deserve the same from the person I'm in a relationship with.

Words of Wisdom from SATC

Since being introduced to Sex and the City by my former roommate, I have fallen in love with the show. I can see myself and relate to every episode, but by far, my favorite is the last episode because of the following quotes made by Carrie.

At the end of an emotionally unfufilling relationship with the Russian:
"I am someone who is looking for love. REAL love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't live without each other love."

At the end of the final episode; regarding relationships.
"There are those who open you to something new and exotic. There are those that are old and familiar. There are those that bring up lots of questions. There are those that bring you somewhere unexpected. There are those that bring you far from where you started. There are those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone who loves the you you love, well that's fabulous."

I couldn't have put it any better myself.

Break Up Still On!

In every relationship there's always that awkward "here's your stuff back" meeting. I had that with my ex tonight. I went over there nervous and determined to set this relationship back on course...but then I was harshly reminded of why it ended.

And I left with a proud and satisfied smile on my face.

Let me give you the rundown...

The ex...let's call him "Girl Scout" or GS for short. (KLK will remember that one.) Right now, I just need to list out some grievances I had with him, since he so obviously did NOT want to listen to me talk about how he upset me...EVER.

- It was always about him: HIS friends, HIS time, HIS apartment. I would stay at HIS house and then get up and DRIVE 45 minutes to get to work at 7:30...fair? I think not. I compromised but he always came over to my place - grudgingly.

- He was sooo hard to commit to dates. Me: "Hey, let's hang out this week - what's your schedule like? I would really rather not wait until this weekend to see you." Him: "I don't know what my days are going to be like. I'll let you know." No. If you are with me and you WANT to be with me, then you will make the time to see me. Lesson numero uno that I learned from "He's Just Not That Into You" but that lesson is so much easier to see when it's in black and white print then when you're living it.

- If I got upset with some way that he treated me (most of the time, condescendingly) he would turn every grievance that I had towards him into some way that I had mistreated or not listened to him. I understand that he might not have always agreed with the way that I felt but that is never a reason to be rude to me and put me down. A little message to GS: grow up and realize that boys and girls are different for more reasons than whats in their pants. I deal with stuff differently, none of which is reason to make me feel terrible and bad about myself. You made me begin to doubt my own feelings and feel bad about being ME. Grandma would be so disappointed. And she wouldn't have liked you for it - even if you are an Aggie.

- The age difference between GS and myself? About two years calendar wise and one year in school. I am not a child. I do not deserve to be talked to like one. And no, you can't justify your actions by telling me that you're frustrated because you have to always repeat yourself to me. If you would make sense in the FIRST place, then there would be no communication problems.

- Hypocrite, hypocrite, hypocrite. Before you EVER begin talking about how self-centered I am, please...take a good LONG look in the mirror. It was always about how YOU felt and how I somehow should have changed my actions to more anticipate your ever changing needs. And on that note - you say you are a SIMPLE person? HA! A week alone in the Dr. Phil House with Dr. Phil himself couldn't get you figured out.

- Appreciate me. Don't put me down. I'm always up for a laugh at someone else's or my own expense. But there are times when I need to be validated. You wouldn't kick a dog when it's down so don't make me feel even crappier about my day then I already did. When a dog poops on the carpet and you yell at the dog - it knows what it did wrong. You don't need to rub the dog's nose in it. I am not a dog. Stop rubbing my nose in how I messed up during the day.

- You say I changed once school started. Are you seriously retarded?!? Of COURSE my personality is going to change - I went from sleeping in until 11:00 every day and the most difficult decision I made each day was which swimsuit to wear to the pool or lake. And you knocked me for not doing anything each day, but I think it's really because you were jealous. And don't remind me of the time that you said it did bother you that I was in a career path that wouldn't make much money...ever. Oh excuse me for being CONTENT with my purpose in life. I don't know what you have to prove with your fancy boat, big truck and even bigger ego - but it was all trying to cover up something you so desperately did NOT want people to see. And I have a feeling it was the personality that I witnessed. I love my job and you should have been proud of me for that.

- I got a tattoo on my hip: Passione, which is passion in Italian. It reminds me never to become what I became with you - a YES woman who tried so desperately to keep her man happy, when the truth was - you aren't man enough to recognize your own flaws. Or maybe I just didn't mean enough to you for you to try and compromise with me. And for that, I'm angry at you for letting things drag on to the point of me writing an entire blog about how there's something so WRONG with me that no one can love me. I will NEVER again allow someone to take my passion away from me. It's one of the things that I treasure the most about my Grandma and my mother and now that it's tatted on my body, I will never be without it.

I know that he's probably sitting there thinking about how I'll never change and what a controlling not-nice-person I am or whatever. I'd like to think that I think and see things pretty clearly. I would also like to think that I know myself better than he does. As do my friends.

And they all think you're not good enough for me.

And I agree.

Pound Puppy

I have decided to get a dog. After the demise of my last relationship, I have decided that I need something to love. I have a lot to give and I think that I'm good at it?! Maybe? Eh. Well, that's probably debatable.

Anyways.

I remember watching the almost straight to video "28 Days" with Sandra Bullock a long time ago. In it, she went to rehab and when she was about to be released they talked about healthy relationships. The people at rehab said that if recovering addicts shouldn't be in intimate relationships with other people for awhile after they leave. Addicts should get a houseplant and keep it alive for a year, and then, if they are successful, move on to a pet. And after a year of keeping a pet alive for a year, then they would be ready for an intimate relationship with a human.

This got me thinking.

Maybe I should get a pet and see if I can keep it alive for a year. And then maybe I'll be ready for a relationship? Who knows?

The truth of the matter is that my apartment is lonely at night and I would like something alive to snuggle up with. I think that a small dog would do the trick.

Once I decided on a dog, I got started looking on Petfinder.com for my new best friend. Scrolling through page after page of little puppies with that sad look in their eye started to get to me. In front of a coworker, I broke down in tears. I mean TEARS. The sobbing from the chest, whole body shaking, mascara smearing TEARS. My coworker responded to my cries of "Why doesn't anybody love them?" with a kind "It's not that nobody loves them, maybe they just couldn't take care of them."

It was then that I realized - I wasn't crying because of the dogs. I was crying because I felt like one OF those dogs. I feel like a puppy that no one could take care of or tame. And instead of investing the time and energy in working with the puppy, just dropped it off at the pound. I feel like the puppy that no one loved.

Is that not the most depressing thing ever?

And the funny thing is...I saw the boy on Tuesday evening at the big key exchange and you know what? NO TEARS. Our meeting was like something out of a very dramatic episode of Laguna Beach or The Hills or something. I half expected to hear an All American Rejects song or something like it playing in the background. But unfortunately, there were no cameras around and no one yelling "Cut!" It was all real life - a little TOO real. I didn't tell anyone at work that we had broken up. I think that I felt like if I didn't talk about it - it meant that it didn't really happen and it was all a dream. Thursday was the first time that I actually cried about the whole situation and I hated it for myself. I have spent too many wasted hours crying over stupid boys. But I truly had hoped that this boy wasn't going to turn out to be stupid. I really hoped that I wouldn't sabotage another relationship. And, yes, I know - it's not all my fault...but he always made me feel like it was. Like he could never do any wrong and I was always the one that was messing up. I guess, in the end, I really didn't like the condescending manner in which he spoke to me or how if he didn't feel like I should be upset about something then I was stupid or immature for being upset. I didn't expect him to always agree with my feelings, but I think that he should have at least understood that regardless of his opinion, my feelings were still valid. I feel like I'm going around and around in circles and completely losing the point.

Anyways...I'm getting a dog as soon as volleyball season is over. If it's a girl - she will be named Katie Scarlett after Scarlett O'Hara from Gone With The Wind --- my personal literary and film heroine. If it is a boy - he will be named Maverick after Tom Cruise's character in Top Gun --- my first love.

I'll keep you posted.

Another one bites the dust...

Against my better judgment, I got involved in a relationship at the beginning of July. It was against my better judgment for several reasons:

- My 6 months wasn't over and I wasn't sure if I was REALLY ready to get involved with someone again.

- He was my best friend's ex boyfriend from high school.

But, I forged ahead because we had such a good time together - always laughing and making fun of stuff. We went to the lake - he taught me how to wakeboard and then took me to the emergency room when I tore the muscle in my back. We watched a lot of movies and looked forward to Sunday nights because of Rock Of Love on VH1. He made me laugh and made me feel funny, smart and like a good person. He is tall, smart, athletic and funny. He has a big truck with a boat and a sense of adventure and fun.

So...why am I not with him anymore you ask?

As always - it's the attack of the three month curse. I can't seem to date anyone past 3 months. My longest relationship is a year and a half. That was in college with David. Out of all the people that I have dated, my longest, most involved relationship was also the most dysfunctional. I have dated great, nice guys (Justin and now Greg) but for some reason I can't make it work. I am really beginning to think that there is something seriously wrong with me. It's almost a joke with other people in my life. I'm tired of getting all excited about a guy only to have my hopes dashed in three months. Or maybe, it's like my friend Kate told me - every relationship goes through that re-evaluating time at 3 months in the beginning. Maybe I just haven't found someone who is worth keeping around past those three months. Maybe I haven't found someone that is worth the work to keep them past three months. But I truly thought that he could be that person. I bent over backward to try to make him happy, but for some reason I never felt like I was doing anything right. And maybe that's a sign that we shouldn't be together. Or maybe I was just trying to keep it altogether because I don't want to hear the "I told you so" from my friend. Maybe I felt like I had sacrificed so much (a 10 year long friendship) that I couldn't bear to know that I ruined that friendship for a guy that only lasted 3 months.

I really liked him. Well, I guess it's not really past tense yet - I still DO like him but I don't think it's going to work out.

I need someone to feel passionate about me. I want someone to love me like my friends and family love me. Yes, sometimes I can be a little crazy and neurotic and maybe even needy - but they look past it and see that I'm funny, smart, creative and fiercly loyal. And just love me for that. Once again, I am left with the overwhelming and devastating feeling that there is simply SO unlovable about me that I will never find true love. I want that type of love that's in the movies. I want that "Notebook" romance - I don't do anything in my life halfway and I refuse to be in a relationship where I feel that I'm being treated and felt about only halfway.

I just want to be loved, but I don't think I'll ever meet someone who is capable of loving me in the way that I feel I need to be loved.

Maybe I'll just get a dog - they provide unconditional love, right?

Back to school...

Summer vacation is ending and I'm gearing up for another school year. I am definitely ready to go back to school. I am so tired of not having a reason to get up before noon everyday. All in all, it was a pretty great summer.



I began vacation by a two week party binge which ended a few days before I left for Europe.

I was in Europe for two weeks which was an amazing experience and then came home and was out of commission for a week because I had a severe sinus and upper respiratory infection.

I came home and shortly thereafter began dating a great guy.

I took up a new hobby - wakeboarding.

I had two FANTASTIC birthday celebrations - one with friends and the other with my family.

I fell on the wakeboard and found myself in the emergency room and with more pain killers.

Not too shabby for three months.

I definitely am getting antsy though. I'm ready to have something to do during the day. I feel that my self-esteem has kind of gone downhill in the past week and I'm not sure why. I think it's partly because I'm frustrated with hurting my back again. It took soooo long for my back to recover last time and now I have to go through all that again. And of course, I had to hurt it right before volleyball season. I feel so lazy because all I could do for the past four days is lay in bed with a heating pad on my back, watching tv and playing tetris on my phone. Sounds great? Not so much. It got old after a couple of days. I also think that I'm just bored. I don't feel like I'm really contributing to society at the moment. I don't have anything in my life right now that I can feel I am being successful at. Don't get me wrong, I know that in general, I am successful...but at the current moment, I'm not being very successful. I am definitely procrastinating. It's sad, but I'm tired of shopping (well, right now, shopping isn't so much fun because it takes a LOT of effort to get my clothes off - because of my back, you pervs) and I'm also tired of laying out by the pool - it's way to hot for that now.

It's Been Awhile

So....it's been awhile since I've last blogged and I think the reason is that I have actually been really happy for the past month. It's so easy to sit here and be upset or contemplative or depressed and write a whole long entry voicing my frustrations and complaints but when it comes to being happy and writing about it...it's a lot harder.

For those of you keeping score...if you guessed that my six month break would last three months - you win the prize.

At the beginning of July, I went out on a old guy friend's boat and we kind of fell into each other. He's smart, funny, attractive, ambitious and active. We have a great time together - whether it's out with friends, sitting around watching tv or at the lake. He makes me laugh. And he makes me feel good about myself (not that I need his compliments in order to boost my self esteem, but you know). He makes me want to be myself because that's the person that he's attracted to.

It all sounds so great, right?

Unfortunately, there's always a little snag and this time it's a big snag. He used to date one of my very close friends in high school and on and off after we graduated. I'm not going to get into the details of these relationships right now out of respect for my friend. But I would like her to know, if she's reading, that I'm sorry for the communication issues we had. You know that my intention was never to hurt you. I was scared to talk about him to you because I didn't want you to feel like I was rubbing in your face that we were dating. I understand that right now what you need is space, but I hope that in the future we can rebuild our friendship.

Yesterday was my birthday and I had a GREAT time. Friday, a friend of mine from high school and I celebrated our joint birthdays (his is July 28th) by going to dinner in FW and then to our reserved tables complete with bottle service at a chic bar downtown. It was a pretty great night, unfortunately because of our bill, I will NOT be buying any new school clothes. A lot of people gasped at the amount of money he and I layed down for this party....but the way I see it - this is my first real grown up party. I have worked hard for the past few years graduating college and getting a great paying job doing what I love. Why not celebrate my 24th birthday in style? It's not like I'm ever going to do this again...it's definitely not a weekly thing by any means. I felt like I was not only celebrating my 24th birthday but also the fact that I have reached a point in my life where I can look around and feel satisfied. I cleaned my apartment on my birthday - not exactly glamorous, but it needed to be done. When I was finished and I was getting ready to leave to eat dinner with my parents, brother and his crew, the boyfriend and my fairy godmother and her husband, I looked around my apartment and I was satisfied and proud. The bf and I talked about this the other night on the way home from a very successful trip to the lake for a little wakeboarding (I got outside and back inside the wake and rode the board while he did a turn with the boat!!!). I really have no reason to be upset or depressed about my situation in life. I've got a great family and equally wonderful friends. I found a relationship that I'm really excited about (and the feeling is mutual). I have a great job which provides with an ample salary to keep up a fabulous and spacious apartment, a car payment for my awesome Acura, and a closet full of clothes and shoes. What more could I really ask for?

So, as I stand at the edge of a new year of my life and a new school year....I'm satisfied and optimistic. I am feeling pretty confident that I'm going to be okay.