Thursday, December 20, 2012

I'm sorry I'm not sorry

Last Thursday was just a tough day.

Something stupid set me off because it was a reminder of so many other times when boundaries have been crossed and disrespected.

I'm not perfect in any sense of the word.

I know that I have a temper.

I wield words like a shield and sword, putting up a defense while simultaneously aiming for the jugular.

Perhaps it comes from being the youngest of two brothers growing up - I knew that I was no match for them physically so I had to find a different kind of weapon.

Regardless of the reason or the source....when I purposely use my words to inflict pain and suffering, it's simply not right.

It would be easier to brush off my hurtful remarks and apologize if I truly said them in the heat of the moment and that they didn't come from my heart.

But I don't feel sorry because I meant what I said, it came from straight from my heart.....and I think that is what scares me the most.

I am capable of loving so deeply and whole-heartedly. I give selflessly to Craig, Natalie, friends, students and my family. But on this subject and with these people I am hardened and unforgiving.

A friend of mine used to joke about my love of justice, which stems from my strong sense of right and wrong.  And although it was a "joke," as with any teasing, there was some semblance of truth in her statement.

I might not *love* justice, but I do hold grudges.  I do struggle with unencumbered forgiveness.  If I am going to truly forgive someone I want an apology first.  I want the offending party to understand what they have done wrong and then to acknowledge it to me.

How self-righteous I am.  How self-important I feel.

Ugh.  How ugly this characteristic of mine seems when printed in black and white.

Who I am to believe that I am a true judge of other people's flaws, mistakes or intentions?

I need to learn to forgive like God forgives.

No comments: