It's 3:00AM and I just woke up sweating and shivering.
I have them all the time. Not weird and improbable dreams. Realistic, can't wake up from it, crying in my sleep nightmares.
Last week it was Natalie committing suicide. In my dream, I saw the whole thing. It was violent, gruesome and vivid. I couldn't save her.
Tonight I was being held hostage and only escaped with my life by paying the man who brandished the gun $400. I took one person with me. A teenage girl wide round blue eyes. Once we were in the alley, the teenager turned into Natalie and I couldn't calm her down.
As a general practice, I try to avoid the news. Not because I don't want to be informed but because I don't want to be saturated. Saturation of events like this morning soak and settle into the crevices of my subconscious. It sits there and waits until I'm vulnerable to begin manipulating my darkest fears. It's that little niggling feeling that makes me distrust other people and encourages me to be a hermit. It dances on my insecurities and feeds my anxiety.
Today on my Facebook feed I saw someone's grumblings about the tragedy in Wisconsin and how disgusting it was that no one was talking about it. I assume this was a vague reference to the ethnicity of the victims and how we're all racist for not immediately jumping to social media to grieve todays events?! The responses he got were apologetic - full of reasons for not knowing...making sure it was clear THEY were not the ignorant racists.
This is why I hate Facebook.
Perhaps it was quiet in his news feed because people are speechless. People magazine just printed its weekly issue which is about the victims in Colorado. To turn around and face another horrific event is perhaps too much for many folks to process.
Obviously it is for me.
But what do you do?
At three o'clock in the morning there is only one thing...pray.
I want nothing more than to sneak into Natalie's room, pick her up and stroke her hair, breathe in her scent and feel her weight in my arms. I want to hold my baby close forever to protect her and know that she is safe.
But I can't. So I pray.
I pray myself out of anxiety, fear and overwhelming sadness and back to sleep.
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