Sunday, October 12, 2008

Running Scared

For much of this blog I have reiterated the fact that I wanted what I saw all my friends getting - a true love, a best friend, the stable life. I have hoped, prayed, dreamed and reassured myself that someday it would happen. But honestly, I'm not sure if I ever truly believed that it would happen. I think after living on my own for so long, I got used to being just that - alone. I relegated myself to the fact that being single and living on my own was just the way it was going to be. I knew what I wanted to have in the future - the house, the husband and the family - and it was exciting, but yet sad because all my friends had it and I didn't. But looking it straight in the eyes is an entirely different matter. Because now it's sitting in front of me - the true love, the best friend and a stable life, complete with a big house, mortgage and swimming pool. And I'm totally running away from it and he doesn't understand why.

He is an amazing person - not just successful, funny, kind and all those other wonderful attributes; but it's amazing that he puts up with me. He just takes me in stride and accepts who I am and loves me because and despite of everything. He is one of the most patient, even-tempered, logical and rational people I have ever met. Maybe that's why we work - I'm probably the opposite of all those things!

Last year, I wrote about how I wished Christmas had that magic again. I was in one of the lowest points in my life. Period. I remember sitting at my computer, bathed in the glow of the white Christmas lights from my carefully decorated turquoise tree, just praying for the magic to return. Not just the magic of Christmas, but the magic in my life. He brought that back to me without me even knowing it. I sit here now, on October 12th, listening to Christmas music...totally ready for the holiday festivities. Not just because of the presents, but because of the promise of spending it with family. I'm not sitting here imagining a fairy tale life filled with lazy mornings and cozy cuddling in front of a fire every night. I'm picturing getting up in the morning, getting the paper for him (well, the sports section at least), drinking my coffee while reading a book as we relax in front of our own Christmas tree. I want that comforting feeling of "home" with him that you're supposed to have around the holidays.

And so, as I am sitting here again, in the dark peace of my apartment with only the dim glow from the parking lot lights illuminating my living room, I am praying again. Not for the magic to return, but for some sort of assurance or sign that he is the one. But then again, I think - do I really need anymore signs? Yes, he screwed up this summer...don't think I haven't forgotten! But, she isn't an issue - I know in my heart that he realizes what true friendship and companionship is about...and she never showed him that. I am content and secure in what we have between us to not be intimidated by her anymore. I still am damn curious to meet her though. He was there without question when I was in the hospital this summer, and when I went to the ER for my ankle last spring. And the weird thing is that when he would look me in the terror filled eyes in the ER when I had just found out that I was going to have to have surgery, I 100% believed him when he told me that I would be fine. And on several more occasions, if he tells me things will work out, or if he knows that it's going to be okay, or whatever he's giving his opinion on that I'm worried about...I feel so peaceful knowing that he is confident in the outcome. I trust his judgement without question and I look to him to give me the strength to persevere and be courageous. Not because I need him around in order to do things, but because I have to see myself through his eyes before I know I can do something. Does that make sense? I know that he sees me as I am, even when I doubt myself. Which is very often sadly. But if he believes that I can do something...I know that I can because he knows what I am capable of.

I know that I'm totally rambling, but I can't sleep until I get all this worry off my chest.

So, the bottom line is that there is a house hunt going on and I am petrified. Almost to the point of paralyzing fear. And I am really trying to figure out where the "fear" is coming from, or what it is aimed at.

- Am I afraid of making a commitment to him in the form of a house without a commitment on my hand? To a certain extent, yes I am. Because I see the world in black and white and it is hard for me to see any grey. I like definite answers, definite plans and rock solid evidence before I believe anything. But if I'm waiting for a handwritten letter from God stating that he is the one for me...I might never get married or move on to the next stage in my life. I have to trust him when he tells me that yes - he indeed wants to spend his life with me. I saw the look in his eyes when he told me that - it was open, honest, firm and unwavering. He meant his words and that's what I have to believe. Would I like a ring? Yes, of course. But I'd rather him have wait and have the time to save up for a really big one. Ha, ha, ha. But seriously, there is a sense of cart-before-horse during our house talks, but I also have to remember that every couple's path is different. We aren't going to be like any other couple. Not just because everyone is unique and all that crap. But because we are both very individualistic, independent and stubborn people - we do what we want and what makes us happy regardless of what the "norm" is.

- Am I afraid of losing my independence once we combine our lives? At first, I was having terrible nightmares about being chased by a figure of death, knowing that my life was about to be over and there was nothing I could do about it. I was honestly oblivious to the meaning of my night terrors, but being the man that he is - he laid it all out for me and explained my terrifying dreams. I was afraid of losing the independence that I have developed over the three years that I've lived on my own. Once I realized what my dreams meant, I dismissed that fear as silly. He's not the type of guy to ever want to clip my wings and not allow me my personal freedom. I think my fierce independence is one of the things that he truly loves about me. And plus - hopefully we'll get a house where we can "escape" each other and do our own independent thing.

- Am I afraid of failure? Always and forever will I be afraid to fail. It's been what has propelled me to be successful in my life. My goals were never to achieve great things...but to just NOT FAIL at anything. Probably not the most optimistic outlook on life, but it's worked so far. I think by living on my own I have established myself as a pseudo-adult in a certain extent. Sure, I have bills and rent and car payments and everything, but living in an apartment is still a sign of a certain "youthfulness" that screams "I'm not TOTALLY settled down yet like a 'real' adult." To me, a mortgage and a yard to mow would completely cement my feet in the real adult world. And I'm afraid I won't be any good at it. I have to trust myself...I am more capable than I give myself credit for.

I think the bottom line is that I'm afraid of the financial gravity of it all. It sure is nice to have a rather disposable income where spending money on frivolous things every once in awhile doesn't really throw my budget out of whack. But at the same time, even in this crazy financial situation the country is currently in, I know that both of our jobs are fairly stable...but more importantly...I believe in us. I believe that when the two of us are working together we accomplish some pretty great things. We are very similar in that aspect - if we have a goal, it's going to become a reality. We're both stubborn that way.

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