Clusterf*ck

Yesterday sucked. Finding out my boyfriend had lied to me and jetted off to Miami with his ex-girlfriend? Definitely a day for the record books. After some liquid therapy, lunch and a pedicure, I was feeling better. I visited with my friend Kate and my mom in person, as well as with others over the telephone. The hardest part was wrapping my head around the fact that he had gone round my back to do something that he knew would upset me. It was deception pure and simple. I was and still am very hurt. And the hurt was particularly deep because I didn't expect this from him - I thought that he had respect for my feelings and for our relationship. I had so many emotions running through my head at once, I honestly thought I might explode. The funny thing is...I was laughing throughout the whole day. Because 1) I didn't want to cry and 2) the whole situation was so absurd. It was truly a clusterf*ck of emotions.

But, I did talk to him last night for about an hour. I didn't necessarily "let him have it" but I expressed every emotion and feeling that I had throughout the day. I'm not sure if he still really understands the depths to which he hurt me. I think I'll have to see his face when he looks me in the eye to know for sure.

So....where are things with us right now? I'm not particularly sure. We made a step last night towards reconciliation because he did listen to me and he admitted both guilt and remorse. He knows that I don't trust him. I flat out told him that there was no way that he was going to be able to talk his way out of this one. What he did was wrong and that's that. No getting around that fact. His relationship with her needs to be remodeled. There are a few of my exes that I'm still in contact with, but my main priority is always the person that I am currently involved with. You have to have that boundary and know where your priorities lie. His priority should lie with me. I didn't feel that yesterday.

I felt small, duped, insignificant, a "Trophy" girlfriend, dumb, naive and used. I want to have sympathy for this woman because what she has and is going through is quite tragic. But when her problems cause problems in my relationship, that's where my sympathy stops. Where in his thought process did he think "How is this going to affect 'The Cheese?'" I hate being that girl that screams "What about me!" But seriously...what about how I was going to feel about this little vaca to Florida? He deliberately didn't tell me he was going because he knew it would upset me. To that, I responded - then you shouldn't have gone. It makes sense to me, that if I know something I was going to do was going to deeply upset and hurt my significant other - I wouldn't do it! Yes. This point was reiterated over and over and over. I shot down my exes innocent invitation for wakeboarding sessions on the the lake this summer because I knew it would upset the bf. I mean, seriously. That doesn't even COMPARE to him buying plane tickets, reserving a hotel and jetting off to Miami with HER.

I was the one that was there when she broke his heart. I was the one that patiently helped him pick up the pieces. I drove to Fox and the Hound at 11:00 one cold Sunday January night. I am loyal to and protective of his heart because I have seen what happened when she broke his heart. How could he turn around and do that to me? With HER of all people? Seriously?

I know that I'm still angry. He can't expect me to get over this one in 24 hours. Trust is broken. When I found out where he really was, I immediately ran my brain through all the times when he was going to stay at his "mom's" house, or the times he was texting for "business." I am doubting everything I heard or saw him do...or more importantly, the things I DIDN'T hear or see him do. This is going to take a lot of time and work on his part. He has to show me that he is worth my trust again. That he is fully, 100% committed to me. I also have a lot of work to do as well. I have to maturely discuss my frustrations and anger with him. Unfortunately, I don't think that involves the swift kick to the nuts that he really deserves. Once I vent my fellings...that's it. I have let him know how I feel and the ball is in his court as to whether or not he would like to truly be with me.

But once I vent...I have to let him be about it. I can't keep shoving his nose in what he did wrong. That's only going to create a division between the two of us. Me, holding this hurt over his head while only torturing myself by keeping the anger around. Him, cowering in the fact that I have this power over him while only making him resent the fact that I'm not letting him out of the shackles.

But just because I let go of the anger doesn't mean that I automatically forgive him. Forgiveness is earned and I can't just forgive him because I'm tired of the work and effort that will have to go into rebuilding our relationship. But once I forgive him...I can't keep punishing him. Like in SATC when Carrie keeps punishing herself for cheating on Aidan with Mr. Big. If I tell the bf that I forgive him, I can't use this situation as a trump card in a disagreement six months into the future. If I forgive him...I must truly mean it.

Will I forget what he did? Never. It's going to take me a long time until I'm not suspicious about text messages and what he's doing when he's not with me. Although I'm confident that nothing physical occurred between them...it's emotional cheating. There will be parameters set with their relationship. If he wants to be with me, he has to let go of her. I hate to be the girlfriend that declares an ultimatum...but come on. He flew to Miami with her.

Ugh. Why is he so retarded? He has a brain - why didn't he use it?

One More Thing...

To my friends and family...

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying, "Lord, I just don't care"
But you've got the love I need to see me through
Sometimes I see that the boy is just too rough
And things go wrong no matter what I do
Now it feels like life is just too much
You've got the love I need to see me through
Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying, "Lord, I just don't care"
But you've got the love I need to see me through
Time after time I say, "Oh Lord what's the use?"
Time after time I say, "This just won't do"
But sooner or later in life the things you love you lose
Just like before, I know I call you
I can't believe my palms, degrading friends of you
I can't believe my fire, oh Lord, what must I do
I can't believe what I caught up, master made me new
But you've got the love I need to see me through
Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying, "Lord, I just don't care"
But you've got the love I need to see me through
You've got the love
I need to see me through
You've got the love, yov've got the love, you've got the love
You've got the love, you've got the love, you've got the love

Nothing Left To Say...

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you
Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you
With or without you
With or without you
Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And Im waiting for you
With or without you
With or without you
I cant live
With or without you
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
My hands are tied
My body bruised, shes got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
With or without you
With or without you
I cant live
With or without you
With or without you
With or without you
I cant live
With or without you
With or without you

Forgiveness

How do you forgive a stab to the heart? How do you knowingly stab someone that you "love" in the heart?

It is no secret that I've been hurt in love. After David I didn't form any long lasting relationships. I just dated freely because I couldn't bear the thought of giving my heart away to someone who could potentially rip it to shreds...again. My life was full of friends, late nights and lots of hazy memories. My dating life became a sort of joke - the punchline being my inability to commit for longer than three months.

But then, finally I met this guy. We formed a unique little friendship over beer and sports which gradually morphed into a loving relationship that lasted a whopping four months. I was happy - I was ecstatic even. More importantly, I felt loved for the person I truly am, and I was with someone whom I believed I could truly trust.

But...I was betrayed and got my heart stomped on by him - someone I believed would never hurt me. There's that cliche saying that girls tell other girls when boys make them cry...something about how no man is worth your tears and the one who is wonm't make you cry. Well, this morning, he made me cry. He made me sob. He made me feel as if the walls were closing in. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't speak. Apparently he's not that man over which I should be spilling my tears.

As everyone knows, I am a Sex and the City fan - not only because of the fabulous clothes and shoes, but also because of the frankness, the realness and the wittiness through which real life relationships are discussed and portrayed. There are dozens of episodes in which I can visualize myself having the exact same conversation with my own circle of girlfriends. I am not sure if it is art imitating life, or the opposite, but I have found my own personal Mr. Big. He's the guy that can take you everywhere and give you the world if you asked for it. But there is always that element of "do I really have him? Is he really mine?" Apparently, my Mr. Big was not mine. He is a loyal guy - to the fault actually. So loyal, in fact, that when an exgirlfriend is in need of a good friend...he takes her to Miami, less than 24 hours after he and I returned from Florida. Is that normal? I didn't think so. Should I be upset? Yes. Should I forgive him? Not sure yet. I just know that I feel like Carrie did in the SATC movie when Big doesn't show up for the wedding and then she sees him in the street. All her friends are so upset with him for hurting her, yet again. Right now, my friends and family are circling up the wagons and putting up the defenses. He's not going to get into my heart anymore to hurt me. He had his chance to be the man that I thought he was. He ruined it.

Living in the NOW

First of all, I've got big news. HUGE NEWS!!!

I finally got internet, cable and DVR at my apartment!!! I know, I know. Like the ATT guy told me at the store - shouldn't I be part of the generation that is always connected and really into technology? Well, I probably should be but I could never really get into it - getting it set up just seemed like a lot of confusing work for me. But, in the effort of becoming a real grown up, I bit the bullet and signed my life away to the internet company. I now have a laptop (earned through work, but a computer nonetheless) and wireless internet! I must admit, after it all got set up and my computer was sitting on my desk quietly humming away, I had visions of Carrie Bradshaw-esqe writing. You know, sitting at my desk in a quiet and serene apartment, looking out the window at the busy New York (okay maybe not that part) landscape contemplating life, love and relationships.

As those of you who know me, the last few weeks of teaching this year were rather rough. Just the stress of making kids study for exams who REALLY would rather not be studying combined with the monotony of actually monitoring kids studying and taking exams was exhausting enough. Factor that in with a boyfriend (yes - a real boyfriend for more than three months, more on that later) who in addition to his teaching position also has a hectic and demanding outside job...it was just plain rough. But summer vacation has come and settled in. I have made a resolution each day to leave my apartment for some substantial amount of time. Whether it's going down to the pool to get some sun or running errands, I must leave my apartment so that I don't turn into a complete mushpot. It has worked out pretty well for me so far. My apartment is staying clean and the laundry is getting done. And I'm going to Florida next week for a little relaxation. Everything is pretty good.

Okay. This guy. We've been together since late February, and by my calculations that's almost four months. It feels like a lot longer, but not in the bad way. We've been very good friends for over a year and for a lot of it there were these strange back and forth flirtations and feelings...very much a yo yo. I knew I loved him as a friend, but could I love him in a romantical sense of the word? Could we actually form a functioning adult relationship without ruining our well built friendship?

I hemmed and hawed. I put off his advances and his confrontations about how he knew that we could be good together - why wouldn't I just give him a chance? For some reason, I still had those hesitations - I was stuck back in the college mindset. What would people think? He's ten years older than me and has a Rebel Without A Cause attitude when it comes to what other people think of him. He can be rough around the edges if you don't know him. He lives in Adidas t-shirts and gym shorts. But I knew there was something about him. The way he could make me laugh and that slighty cocky sparkle in his eyes when he worked a giggle out of me (most of the time, against my better judgment). The way he would cut through the crap that sometimes spews out of my mouth and force me to see the clear picture. Ordinarily, I would balk at someone calling me out like he can...but from him, I somehow appreciate it and rise to the challenge of being completely honest and true to myself and with myself. The way he is passionate about his work, his friends and his family. It was all there for me to take---I just had to get over my own insecurities.

So I worked on it. I saw myself separate from that girl I was in college. I realized that I shouldn't care about what those "Mean Girls" thought of me or my life, because I didn't want any part of their lifestyle either. I wanted realness. I wanted to be the type of woman Oprah preaches about. So I quit worrying about living my life to make everyone else happy and started doing things that made me happy. I gave up drinking for awhile and I hung out with him. As my best friend. Went to sporting events, saw movies...just hung out. And yet, I couldn't break that friendship barrier. Instead of worrying about what other people thought, I began wondering - would I be ruining another friendship with trying to make it fit into a relationship? I tried that with Justin and it took over a year to rekindle a basic friendship with him....

On February 20th, I was still contemplating these thoughts and flitting around in my brain were all the possible outcomes of a full blown relationship with this guy. And then I fell. And sprained my ankle. Like my knight in shining white Nike's, he took care of me, despite my pleas of "I can take care of myself." Have you ever tried to get up three flights of stairs on crutches? Yeah...I needed help. And without ever asking for anything in return, he jumped in head first to take care of me. Fixing my couch pillows, bringing me dinner and making sure I made it into bed okay. It was those moments that I knew. He truly loved me and cared about my overall sense of well being. Plus...he thinks I'm pretty funny (but he won't admit it). I guess the rest is history.

Yeah, the past four months haven't all been roses and sunshine...we're both pretty stubborn and hard headed. But I want him in my life because he makes me laugh. Not that girly little giggle, but the head back, mouth open, full on belly roar. He makes me want to be the best ME I can be. So, I'm learning to compromise. I'm learning to understand him, despite his lack of using words. I'm learning to stand up for what I want and need in a relationship without being...well...demanding and needy. I'm learning to relax and just enjoy sitting next to him on the couch watching tv. Not thinking about the future and not worrying about the past - but just enjoying being with him in the present.